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The Internet and You

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This article is not a part of the Scott The Woz series canon. It is not included on the Scott The Woz timeline despite being on the Scott The Woz YouTube channel.


This article is about the original video, for the VHS release of the video see The Internet and You VHS and for the original unaired version of the video, see The Internet and You/original

The Internet and You is the first episode of Originals and the first video on the Scott The Woz YouTube channel, the video was uploaded on July 21, 2016, by Scott Wozniak on Scott The Woz.

Description[]

What's pipin' dudes and dudettes? I found this totally lame/tubular video cassette lurking in my attic and if you're completely incompetent at surfing the cyber monsoon known as the net, you really need to take a gander bro!

Characters[]

Credits[]

Plot[]

The video starts out as if it was playing from a VHS, before going to a title card. After showing the names of the two main characters (at least for now), the plot kicks off with Abe telling Net-Meister that he's not feeling well. He clarifies (after a remark from Net-Meister) that it's because of the trip to the Internet that they took earlier.

A flashback begins, where Abe sees Net-Meister about to leave with a briefcase. He asks him where he's headed off to, and Net-Meister tells him that he's taking a vacation to the Internet. Abe agrees to join in, and the two are shown abruptly at a computer, with Net-Meister (most likely) teaching Abe how to use a browser. When Net-Meister gives Abe instructions to click on "new tab", Abe remarks that he can't see it, and can only see "new window". The two get increasingly frustrated at each other, before the flashback ends.

Net-Meister asks Abe if their "audience" knows what they've been talking about. Abe remarks that they've been using too much Internet lingo, and that the audience might be confused. They agree to take the audience on a journey through the Internet. Net-Meister asks Abe if there's anyone who doesn't love the Internet, and Abe says that there's nobody that couldn't. Then, Net-Meister begins listing a brief history about the Internet, and some of the inventions that progressed it to its "current" state in the 90's. Abe asks Net-Meister what the difference between the worldwide web and the Internet is, and Net-Meister answers that it's just "a part of the greater scope of the Internet". Abe screams at the top of his lungs. Net-Meister tells Abe that he's going to show him around to get him familiar with everything on the web.

Eventually, the two meet Dr. USB, who Net-Meister says is their old colleague. Abe takes a USB out of Dr. USB's pocket, angering him. He then asks him how knowledgeable he is about USB devices. Dr. USB begins a deranged rant towards them, revealing his tragic backstory where he was stabbed every night with a spear by his drunk father. At the end of his rant, he mispronounces gyros as "GUY-ros", which prompts Net-Meister to correct him. Dr. USB calls him stupid, saying that he was in honors literature throughout high school. Net-Meister repeats the initial question that Abe asked him earlier, which makes Dr. USB start his entire rant over, word-for-word. Over him, Abe tells Net-Meister that the Internet is overwhelming and scaring him. Net-Meister compares Abe feeling lost in the Internet to how Kevin felt in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. He says that it's easy to get lost in, and Abe agrees to follow Net-Meister somewhere else.

The two find themselves in a vast, empty realm, where the Internet resides. After questioning its size, they hear the clicking of a mouse, which alerts them of CPR's presence. Net-Meister asks CPR about his name, and CPR proudly presents his creator, Larry Tesler. Larry clarifies what the terms "copy" and "paste" originate from. CPR excitedly asks the two what part of copy or pasting he should demonstrate, and is unable to choose for himself. Net-Meister tells him that they have to leave, saying that they have a lot of Internet to explore, and not much time.

The two find themselves in an outdoorsy area, though the exact location isn't specified. Out there, they see a "dangerous specimen", known as eGrope. Abe asks if he should report him, and when Net-Meister affirms to do so, Abe kicks eGrope away and into the air. eGrope is then seen flying away from the Internet and into the Deep Web.

Next, in a Seinfeld-like segment, the two find themselves inside of a house. Net-Meister explains to Abe about how that are many technologies that have advanced the Internet, including firewire. As soon as firewire is mentioned, Fire Wire Yom Kippur appears from a box. Net-Meister greets him, and states to Abe that he was imprisoned for arson. Fire Wire Yom Kippur confirms that he burnt down an orphanage. Abe asks Fire Wire Yom Kippur how he relates to the Internet, but CPR barges in, awkwardly explaining tips on how to copy and paste better. The pair annoyingly stare at him, and CPR makes a less-than-graceful exit after planning to meet up with them later. Fire Wire Yom Kippur then answers Abe's question, saying that he used to be useful, but other technologies eventually made him useless, so he's resorted to kayaking and arson, and that he's "busy with the prospect of watching the Earth burn".

Next, the two are seen walking in another outdoorsy area, and Abe asks Net-Meister where they are. Net-Meister tells him that they're on social media. Abe asks about human trafficking, and Net-Meister tells him that they'll get to that later, before explaining more about what social media is. However, the two are cut off by Lieutenant JPEG, who attacks them. Surrounded by bombs and gunfire, the two courageously fight back, before being severely wounded, particularly Net-Meister. Abe runs up to him, telling him that he's going to make it through the fight, despite Net-Meister's extreme pain. He then proceeds to amputate Net-Meister's leg, despite the wounds not being there.

As if the previous scene never happened at all, the two find themselves in a library. Abe complains about the lack of smokin' hot babes, and Net-Meister calls him a "disgusting cornucopia of communism", explaining that the library is actually pretty sick. Abe proceeds to curse Net-Meister's bloodline. Net-Meister offers that Abe can go to his house to get Internet access, and Abe's cheerful mood returns as quickly as it went. He attempts to get onto the Internet with a laptop, but fails, and drops it on the floor. Net-Meister smells the presence of Captain Dial Up, who has arrived to save the day. He explains to Captain Dial Up that Abe can't quite comprehend the Internet. Captain Dial Up says that the dangers of the web are a "common misconception", but "aren't wrong". Net-Meister reassures Abe, and then asks Captain Dial Up to bring some Internet over. Captain Dial Up flies up into the air, traveling to East Korea and bringing it over. When he does, Dr. USB rushes into the room, alerting everyone to come quickly.

Everyone is brought to a hospital room, with Bluetooth hooked up to a heart-rate monitor. Dr. USB diagnoses him with mumps diabetes, before explaining that he tried to connect to too many USB devices. Net-Meister says that he deserved to die, because only a moron would do something as stupid as that. Dr. USB says that Bluetooth should've looked up if it was possible on the Internet, holding his thumbs up and smiling as the heart-rate monitor flatlines. The room shakes, and an explosion is heard. Bluetooth briefly comes back to life, mumbling that it smells of illegal things, before going back to being dead.

The group returns to the room that Net-Meister and Abe were in during the earlier flashback. Abe asks Net-Meister what's wrong, and Net-Meister explains that the Deep Web is taking over the Surface Web. Captain Dial Up asks if anyone bought contraband, and Dr. USB admits to it. Net-Meister, shaking Abe's shoulders, explains that the Deep Web is incredibly dangerous and powerful, and could infect the Surface Web beyond repair. Abe asks if they can defeat the Deep Web from the inside, and Net-Meister agrees to the plan, as does everyone else. A montage begins, of everyone grabbing weapons and equipment. Then, they huddle themselves in front of the computer. Net-Meister explains that the group will have to use Tor to access the Deep Web, but because they need to be anonymous, they can't say anyone's real name, or they'll be in danger. After the group readies themselves for the Deep Web, everyone is transported away.

In a vast tunnel connecting the Surface Web to the Deep Web, the group watches an instructional video about how to stay safe. The video stars Trent, who explains the differences between certain things on the Surface Web versus on the Deep Web. He also interviews someone about what good things are on the Deep Web, only getting the answer of "it's good". When the video ends, everyone finds themselves in the Deep Web, and in a panic, scatter and separate from each other.

Dr. USB and Net-Meister find themselves in a dingier part of the Deep Web, and after questioning where they are, they go to look for some food to eat. They enter a suspicious-looking egg store, only to find that it's a weapon store, run by Barack and Ronaldo.

CPR pastes himself inside of a prison, and discovers that Larry is inside.

Abe finds that he's stumbled upon an underfunded school, and approaches it to learn about human trafficking.

Captain Dial Up explores a forest area, desperate to find shelter before he's trafficked.

Back at the prison, CPR asks Larry how he wound up there. Larry explains that the Deep Web didn't appreciate his inventions, and a brief flashback is shown of Larry in several different settings, explaining who he is. He then says that it's bad to reveal your identity, but not to be a fraud.

Back at the "egg store", Net-Meister and Dr. USB engage in conversation with Barack and Ronaldo. Ronaldo explains that the cops would never suspect an egg store for illegal activity, and Barack says that they had to change the name of the store because of the FDA. Net-Meister wonders how the FDA know about the store, but not the FBI. Barack and Ronaldo explain that you have to give up a lot to be on the Deep Web, including your identity. Barack accidentally lets Ronaldo's name slip, which alerts the FBI to their location. With sirens wailing, the two grab firearms and begin firing at the police.

Captain Dial Up finds a farm, and he bangs on the door in a panic to enter. As he's let in, he finds Earl, who is seen on a laptop. Earl agrees to let Captain Dial Up stay, and says that his remote farm has many things, and is good enough to call home. However, he warns Captain Dial Up not to touch his son.

Abe is seen walking by the side of the school, throwing a paper in a trash can. The paper in question is an essay on the history of hentai.

Back at the farm, Captain Dial Up and Earl have a conversation while enjoying a meal. Captain Dial Up tells Earl his name, and Earl warns him that it's forbidden in the Deep Web to say your identity. Captain Dial Up lies about his name just being an alias, before dropping under the table to destroy his birth certificate. When he seats himself, Earl's son greets him, and Earl leers at Captain Dial Up upon returning the greeting. In the night, Captain Dial Up and Earl's son have a brief goodnight interaction, and from an outside perspective of the farm, Earl tells Captain Dial Up to scram, and that he's going to alert the police.

Back at the "egg store", Net-Meister and Dr. USB are hiding under a table from the fighting, but they gain the courage to reveal themselves, telling everyone to stop shooting before they ready their own firearms and join in on the violence. However, they are abruptly warped away by some unknown force.

The group is transported inside of the Deep Web Capital Building, and are greeted by Mr. Bandwidth, who immediately begins boasting his power over the Deep Web, calling the group "cyberpunks". Net-Meister explains that they're here to stop his evil plans of taking over the Surface Web. Mr. Bandwidth reveals that he has eGrope in his possession, using him as a source of power for his router, which aids him in his evil schemes to overrun the Surface Web with his dark markets and narcotics. He explains his entire plan to the group, and Dr. USB asks to join the sales team, betraying everyone. The group goes up in arms about it, and Dr. USB "justifies" his actions by saying that he owes Barack something after he donated to Kony 2012. Mr. Bandwidth, seeing that he has the advantage, declares that his plan will go into action tomorrow. When questioned, he says that he came up with this whole plan just six days ago. Net-Meister begs Mr. Bandwidth to let the Surface Web exist in peace, saying that the two sides of the Internet are separate, and that the Deep Web can do as they please as long as they leave the Surface alone. Mr. Bandwidth refuses, questioning the continuity of everyone's outfits, before Captain Dial Up uses his power to manifest a phone and annoy Mr. Bandwidth with the classic dial up noises. Aggravated, Mr. Bandwidth transports Abe, Net-Meister, and Captain Dial Up to the place where eGrope was initially found via Wayback Machine.

Captain Dial Up is shot, and dies almost instantly. After an emotional montage, Mr. Bandwidth sics Dr. USB on Net-Meister and Abe, swinging around a VHS rewinder while shooting at them repeatedly. Mr. Bandwidth decides to add to the torture by destroying a router, causing buffering to happen mid-shooting. The two are transferred back to the capital building, and Abe, in a fit of pain, asks Mr. Bandwidth his name. He reveals his identity, which immediately gets the police on his tail. In an act of desperation, he activates eGrope's emotional self-destruct button, killing eGrope and himself, before blowing up the rest of the Internet. Dr. USB immediately dies, CPR refuses to leave Larry behind and dies too, and Net-Meister and Abe are unable to outrun the explosion. The entire Internet is destroyed, and the only thing that remains is Abe's hat, floating in a white void.

A status update is given on every character, including their names, Internet knowledge, and status. All (shown) characters are labeled as dead. Then, the credits roll.

Music[]

WIP

Cards[]

N/A

Gallery[]

WIP

Transcript[]

The following non-essential section is long, and may make scrolling and or performance worse.

[The short opens with a 4:3 blue screen with VCR static plastered to set the 90's aesthetic. Several text boxes in the right-hand corner flash for several seconds; in the start, "REW" (abbreviation for "rewind") and two arrows pointing to the left appear for a split second; "STOP" then appears after a short while, before being replaced with "PLAY" and an arrow pointing to the right; this makes the screen flash to a black screen for several seconds before cutting to a white-blue gradient background. At this point, the Siskel & Ebert intro theme cues in and the title makes an entrance by spinning to the screen. A wipe transition occurs and text saying "STARRING" and "ABRAHAM ETHERNET" pop in and disappear, after this the same thing happens to the text "and" and "NET-MEISTER 4089"]

Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089: Woooooaaah!

Abraham Ethernet: Ugh, Net-Meister, I'm not feeling too hot!

Net-Meister 4089: Maybe it's from the incompetencies of your radical glands!

Abraham Ethernet: ...At least I'm not a complete shill.

Abraham Ethernet: No, Net-Meister! I might be feeling too bad because of the jet lag from the trip we just took, remember?!

Net-Meister 4089: Oh yeah!

[A harp sound effect plays, and a flashback begins, showing Abe playing with an N64 controller]

Abraham Ethernet: Hey, Net-Meister, where do you think you're going?!

[The shot cuts to Net-Meister in a Hawaiian shirt, holding a briefcase]

Net-Meister 4089: Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm taking a vacation to... the Interneeeeeeee-

Abraham Ethernet: Tubular! I'm in!

[The camera cuts to Abe in front of a Mac with Net-Meister behind him]

Net-Meister 4089: Alright, you uh, have to click on the file.

[Abe clicks the file, making a hum of acknowledgement]

Net-Meister 4089: Okay, hit new tab right there.

Abraham Ethernet: I don't see new tab.

Net-Meister 4089: What do you mean, it's right there, it's the second option-

Abraham Ethernet: That-That says new window. I only see new window.

Net-Meister 4089: How do you not see it, it's right there!

Abraham Ethernet: I, I-I don't see it. I only see new window!

Net-Meister 4089: Well that seems like a 'you' problem.

Abraham Ethernet: Maybe- Maybe it's actually a 'you' problem and you're just pushing it off to me.

Net-Meister 4089: Nope. I think it's still a 'you' problem.

Abraham Ethernet: M-Me's don't have problems, only you's.

[The camera cuts back to Abe and Net-Meister's position before the flashback]

Net-Meister 4089: Wait a minute. Does our audience even know what we've been talking about?

Abraham Ethernet: I don't know! We've been using Internet lingo, like... bookmarks, pedophilia, and firewalls!

Abraham Ethernet: I wouldn't blame our audience for being completely lost by now, and frankly, I expected it.

Net-Meister 4089: That's why we're going to be sending you off on a journey through the cyber monsoon we like to call...

Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089: The Internet!

Net-Meister 4089: Woo, woo, woo woo!

[the screen flips]

Net-Meister 4089: Who doesn't love a big, thick, honking heap of the Internet?

Abraham Ethernet: Oh, oh, I know Net-Meister!

Abraham Ethernet: Nobody.

Net-Meister 4089: That's right. The modern Internet's history dates back all the way to the 1950's with the invention of the first personal computer.

Net-Meister 4089: The Internet greatly expanded in the 1980's with the invention of ethernet and a dotcom domain.

Net-Meister 4089: Which brings us to the 1990's: The age of the Net.

Abraham Ethernet: Hold your horses Net-Meister!

Net-Meister 4089: Okay.

Abraham Ethernet: What's the difference between the worldwide web and the Internet?!

Net-Meister 4089: Well, it's a little embarrassing you don't know, but, the worldwide web is just a part of the greater scope of the Internet.

Abraham Ethernet: ...AAAHHHHH-

Abraham Ethernet: So resourceful! But how do I get the most out of my time on the Internet?

Net-Meister 4089: Mazel Tov, Abe, you ignorant sack of marbles! Basically, I'm gonna show you around the Internet and show you all the cool things, people, and places that make it radicaaaaal.

[The camera zooms in on Abe preforming the O face before transitioning to the next scene]

Net-Meister 4089: Oh, look, if it isn't our old colleague, Dr. USB!

[Dr. USB is shown]

Abraham Ethernet: So Dr. USB, huh? Like, one of these?

[Abe takes out a USB drive from Dr. USB's shirt pocket]

Dr. USB: What, are you DOING?!

[The camera cuts to Abe and Net-Meister]

Abraham Ethernet: So according to your name, you must be very knowledgeable about USB.

Dr. USB: You are stupid, naive, pessimistic, evil, and dumb.

Dr. USB: All of those things just amalgamates into what is the creation of you. You guys don't even know what a USB is. I've devoted my life to these things.

Dr. USB: These God-forsaken things. I don't-

[Breathing heavily, Dr. USB takes off his coat and puts it to his mouth]

Dr. USB: I didn't wanna- I didn't wanna be like this, man. My parents, they... they tortured me.

Dr. USB: Every day my Dad would get home from work, he'd be drunker than the night before, and he'd just whip out the f**kin' Mohican Tahitian spear, and then he f**kin' stabbed it in my throat. I don't know how the hell I'm alive, man.

Dr. USB: I don't know! All I know, is I get off at night, by putting those two-for-six gyros in my throat.

Dr. USB: My throat hole, man, my throat hole!

[The camera cuts to Net-Meister and Abe]

Net-Meister 4089: You mean 'yee-rohs', bro?

[The camera cuts back to Dr. USB]

Dr. USB: Are you stupid or are you just an idiot?

Dr. USB: Okay? I was in honors literature all five years of high school, bro.

Dr. USB: Just, you don't even know. You're just some patronizing, pessimistic, pervious little ponundrum!

[The camera cuts back to Net-Meister and Abe]

Net-Meister 4089: But like, what does your PhD revolve around, concerning, you know, USB, hehah?

[The camera cuts back to Dr. USB]

Dr. USB: You are stupid, naive, pessimistic, evil, and dumb.

Dr. USB: All of those things, just amalgamates-

[As Dr. USB's speech fades out in the background, Abe and Net-Meister move away from him.]

Abraham Ethernet: Say Net-Meister, Dr. USB is very much overwhelming me.

Abraham Ethernet: The Internet is starting to seem super spooktastic.

Net-Meister 4089: Well, yeah, let me give you an analogy.

Net-Meister 4089: Have you ever seen Home Alone 2: Lost in New York?

Abraham Ethernet: Every Sabbath!

Net-Meister 4089: Well imagine you as Kevin... and New York as the Internet!

[The camera zooms in on Abe's face]

Abraham Ethernet: My God.

Net-Meister 4089: Well you know, the Internet's a big place, Abe. It's easy to get lost! Just as Kevin McCallister got lost in the 1992 hit Christmas classic Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, which raked in over 350 million at the box office.

Abraham Ethernet: That's a deal-breaker Net-Meister. I'll go! Show me the waaaaaa-

[The scene cuts to a blue background with a keyboard mouse coming over the screen, revealing the text "THE INTERNET Genghis Kahn's Last Gift to Humanity". The Windows 95 startup sound plays during this. It then cuts to Abe and Net-Meister standing in another blue background with the text "INTERNET" in the top right corner.]

Net-Meister 4089: The Internet sure is big.

[Net-Meister's voice echoes]

Abraham Ethernet: I heard the Internet is so big, you can fit over seven football fields in it.

[Abe's voice echoes]

Net-Meister 4089: You're not wrong.

[A mouse clicking sound is heard]

Abraham Ethernet: Wait, that sounds like the sound of...

Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089: Copy Paste Repeeeeeaaaaaaaaat!

Net-Meister 4089: Pew, pew, pew, pew!

[The screen flickers]

Net-Meister 4089: Listen Mr. Repeat, we just got out of an emotionally abusive conversation with Dr. USB about the origins of his name.

Net-Meister 4089: Can you reassure us that your name has no such emotional connotation?

[The camera cuts to CPR]

Copy Paste Repeat: I've been waiting all day for you guys for that.

Copy Paste Repeat: Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to the household legend, will Mr. Larry Tesler- come on down!

[CPR starts clapping, and The Price Is Right theme music begins playing]

[Larry Tesler walks into the shot with text under him reading "Larry Tesler Creators of Copy/Paste"]

Larry Tesler: Oh, hey.

[The camera cuts to CPR]

Copy Paste Repeat: So uh Larry, you wanna... tell them the origins of my name?

[The camera cuts back to Larry Tesler]

Larry Tesler: Well, uh, you see, the term 'Copy' comes from the medieval term... uh, 'Facere Describendi', and Paste, uh... you ever heard of Elmer's glue? Yup, that's the stuff, and don't even get me started on Cut.

[The camera cuts back to CPR]

Copy Paste Repeat: So uh, are you guys wanna know how to do my Copy? Oh, oh wait, I should paste that part if you like that better?

Copy Paste Repeat: No, no copy. We'll do copy. No, wait, paste. Oh no. You guys choose.

[The camera cuts back to Abe and Net-Meister]

Net-Meister 4089: Well, that's interesting and all, but we've got a lot of Internet to explore and not much time, as-as you know all human lives are fleeting and meaningless in the greater existence of the universe.

Net-Meister 4089: Anyway, I'm gonna make like a hard drive and eject outta here!

[Net-Meister begins walking backwards, pushing Abe before the screen abruptly cuts to another blue screen with a computer mouse going across the screen revealing the text "DANGER ON THE NET It's a Myth!". The Windows 95 startup sound plays during this. The camera then cuts to an outdoors area, where Abe and Net-Meister are walking.]

Abraham Ethernet: Net-Meister, where are we? I'm scared and aroused.

Net-Meister 4089: Well, we're in one of the most dangerous parts of the surface web right now. Look over there! There's a specimen in this part of the net right now!

[the camera shows eGrope]

Net-Meister 4089: It looks like his... screen name is... eGrope.

Abraham Ethernet: ...AAAAAAHHHHHHH-

Abraham Ethernet: Should I report him?

Net-Meister 4089: Well, I'd be insulted if you didn't.

[Abe runs off to eGrope and kicks him. eGrope gets launched into the sky]

Abraham Ethernet: Phew, all those weeks of golf have finally paid off.

[The camera then shows eGrope flying from the Surface Web to the Deep Web before another segment card appears saying "TECHNOLOGY What Powers Your Gun and the Internet". The Windows 95 startup sound plays during this. Then, the camera shows a close-up of a window with the Seinfeld theme playing. The camera then shows the inside of the house, showing Net-Meister and Abe.]

Net-Meister 4089: You know, Abe, there's been a lot of technologies that have gotten the Internet, from over there, all the way to over here, where it is today.

[A laugh track plays]

Net-Meister 4089: One of those such technologies is FireWire!

[The camera cuts to Firewire Yom Kippur jumping out a box with confetti on him. Applaud sound effects play]

Net-Meister 4089: Oooh!

[The camera cuts back to Net-Meister and Abe]

Net-Meister 4089: Well if it isn't my good colleague, FireWire Yom Kippur. Long time no see, buddy.

Net-Meister 4089: You know, ironically, he was in prison for arson.

[The camera cuts back to Firewire Yom Kippur. He is now standing upright and the box is nowhere to be seen]

Fire Wire Yom Kippur: Ha, ha, ha, that was a nice orphanage.

[The camera cuts back to Net-Meister and Abe]

Abraham Ethernet: So FireWire Yom Kippur, tell me a bit about yourself!

[Door knocking and opening sounds are heard in the background as Abe talks]

Abraham Ethernet: How do you relate... to... the Internet?

[The camera abruptly cuts to CPR]

Copy Paste Repeat: Hey guys, did-did not see you all here. What a- What a coincidence. This is weird, huh?

Copy Paste Repeat: Cause I was like over there, now I'm ov— Ha ha! Hahaha- D- You guys wanna know a trick? How to copy and paste better?

Copy Paste Repeat: It's- Comma-Command C Command V, i-it's kind of confusing 'cause... print starts with P, it's V.

Copy Paste Repeat: But- Its- It's- it's, it's whatever. You-You want to see it? No?

[The camera cuts to Net-Meister and Abe, who look incredibly annoyed and deadpan]

Copy Paste Repeat: N-No?

[The camera cuts back to CPR]

Copy Paste Repeat: O-Okay. That's fine.

Copy Paste Repeat: We c- ...You guys free tonight, or uh? No? O-Okay. I'll find you- I'll find you.

Copy Paste Repeat: Yeah. Yep. B... B-Bye.

[CPR leaves the room, feet stomping. The camera then cuts to Firewire Yom Kippur]

Fire Wire Yom Kippur: Well, you see FireWire could have been used for the Internet, but ever since people switched over to the whole WiFi scam and USB trash and Thunderbolt garbage and all that, I've been out of work late. So I've taken up many hobbies, such as kayaking and arson.

[Another laugh track plays, and the camera cuts back to Net-Meister and Abe]

Net-Meister 4089: At least you're keeping busy.

[The camera cuts back to Firewire Yom Kippur]

Fire Wire Yom Kippur: Busy with the prospect of watching the Earth burn.

[Text comes up saying "Executive Producer Irrelevancy" accompanied with the Seinfeld theme and a laugh track before another segment card appears saying "SOCIAL MEDIA The Safe Way to Meet Strangers On the Net". The shot then cuts to a forest near a river]

Abraham Ethernet: Cowabunga mulatto, where are we at now?

Net-Meister 4089: Well, if you'd stop being such a g*ddamn damn loud moron and look at our itinerary once every 10 minutes, you'd know that we're on... social media.

Abraham Ethernet: Ah hah! Is this what they like to refer to as 'human trafficking'?

Net-Meister 4089: No.

Abraham Ethernet: Ah hah!

Net-Meister 4089: We'll get to that later. Nah, this is where everyone hangs out, shares their feelings with their peers... and get stalked by the government.

Abraham Ethernet: Bodacious! I can't wait to hook up with some hot new peer-

Abraham Ethernet: Wait, who is that over there?

Net-Meister 4089: It's Lieutenant JPEG, hit the deck!

[An explosion occurs followed by a war-style montage of Abe and Net-Meister attempting to get away from Lieutenant JPEG. Multiple gunshots are heard during the entire sequence.]

Net-Meister 4089: Kraut's in the open! Let 'em have it!

[Net-Meister's voice is slowed down during this line]

[The camera then goes to Net-Meister, who's hurt, while sitting down next to a bush until Abe finds him]

Abraham Ethernet: Oh god!

Net-Meister 4089: Get down!

Abraham Ethernet: Oh... Oh God, are you okay Net-Meister?!

Net-Meister 4089: I don't think I'm gonna make it.

Abraham Ethernet: Oh God! You're a fighter, damn you! You're a fighter!

Net-Meister 4089: Oh!

Abraham Ethernet: You're gonna make it!

Net-Meister 4089: My whole body feels like it's on fire!

Abraham Ethernet: I'm gonna have to amputate your leg!

Net-Meister 4089: What? The wound's in my chest!

Abraham Ethernet: Alright, here we go!

Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089: AAAAAHHHHHH!

[Another segment card appears saying "THE LIBRARY Your Friend in Disguise" followed by Abe and Net-Meister in a library, as if the previous scene never happened.]

Abraham Ethernet: Where are we, Net-Meister?! This place looks totally lame!

Abraham Ethernet: There aren't any smokin' hot babes here!

Net-Meister 4089: Well Abe, you disgusting cornucopia of communism, this is the sickest net café of them all, the library. Wee!

Abraham Ethernet: I wish a plague upon your house, and your women be barren for generations to come.

[The camera zooms in on Abe's face during this line]

Net-Meister 4089: Well Abe, if you don't have Internet at Casa de Abraham, you can always crash at my place to get your Internet... the poor man's way. Haha.

Abraham Ethernet: ALRIIII-

[The camera cuts to Abe holding a laptop in the same library]

Abraham Ethernet: The Internet's standing me up, babe!

[Abe drops his laptop, and it falls to the floor]

Abraham Ethernet: What do I doooooooooo?!

[Net-Meister sniffs]

Net-Meister 4089: Wait, do you smell that? Well, if it is my old colleague, cell mate, and occasional lover, Captain Dial Up!

Abraham Ethernet: Ah hah!

Net-Meister 4089: Woo woo!

[The camera cuts to Captain Dial Up walking into the library holding a suitcase, before cutting back to Net-Meister and Abe]

Net-Meister 4089: Well Colonel Dial Up, my friend Abraham here is having a little trouble comprehending what the net's really all about.

[Abe slaps the computer loudly, but is abruptly cut off by the focus change]

Captain Dial Up: Common misconception is the Internet is just a place for porn addicts and psychopaths... and they aren't wrong.

[The camera cuts back to Net-Meister and Abe. Abe is punching the top of the laptop]

Net-Meister 4089: See Abe? I told you I was right.

Abraham Ethernet: I'll never doubt you again, Meist.

Net-Meister 4089: Hah hah.

Abraham Ethernet: Hah!

Net-Meister 4089: Alright, Commander Dial Up, we need some Internet, stat. Do your thing.

[Captain Dial Up flies away from the library in the United States and goes over to "East Korea" where he picks up text saying "Internet" and then takes it back to the library. Dr. USB then runs into the room]

Dr. USB: High skies!

[Dr. USB scares Abraham Ethernet, causing him to throw his laptop backwards behind him]

Net-Meister 4089: Doc, what the hell is the problem?!

Dr. USB: You guys gotta come quick, and stat!

[Another segment card appears reading "MORTALITY Please Take This Seriously" before Dr. USB, Abe, and Net-Meister are all in front of Bluetooth on his death bed. A heart-rate monitor is heard. The camera focuses on Dr. USB]

Dr. USB: Mumps diabetes.

[The camera cuts to Abe and Net-Meister]

Abraham Ethernet: D-Diabetes in his mumps?!

[The camera cuts back to Dr. USB]

Dr. USB: I mean it seems like it's a common problem this day and age. Feel like everybody's just jumping on that bandwagon.

[The camera cuts back to Abe and Net-Meister]

Net-Meister 4089: What was his diagnostic, Doc?

[The camera cuts back to Dr. USB]

Dr. USB: Well, Bluetooth over here tried to activate seven USB devices at once.

Dr. USB: You just— you can't do that.

[The camera cuts back to Abe and Net-Meister. The heart-rate monitor starts beeping erratically]

Net-Meister 4089: Well, he deserves to die if he did that. Only a moron would do something stupid like that.

[The camera cuts back to Dr. USB]

Dr. USB: Well, in my PhD-riddled opinion, he should've looked it up... on the Internet.

[Dr. USB looks straight in the camera holding both his thumbs up as the heart-rate monitor flatlines]

Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089: Wooooahhhhh!

[The camera shakes, and an explosion is heard, alerting Abe, Net-Meister, and Captain Dial Up]

Captain Dial Up: What was that?

[Bluetooth rises from the dead]

Bluetooth: Smells like child porn and narcotics.

[Bluetooth goes back to being dead. The camera then cuts to Net-Meister, who now is wearing 3D glasses. He takes them off and screams as the camera zooms in on his mouth.]

Net-Meister 4089: Oh noooooooooo-

[Net-Meister, Abe, Dr. USB, and Captain Dial Up run up to the desk seen when Abe and Net-Meister were first discussing new tab vs. new window.]

Abraham Ethernet: Net-Meister, what's the hubbub?

Net-Meister 4089: The deep web is taking over the surface web! But how?

[The doorbell to the house rings. Captain Dial Up turns around to shout at the door]

Captain Dial Up: Alright, which one of you little stinkers bought contraband on the deep web?

[Dr. USB opens the door to the room everyone is in]

Dr. USB: It-it was me.

[Net-Meister is seen shaking Abe]

Net-Meister 4089: Listen Abe, the deep web is more powerful than you can ever imagine!

Net-Meister 4089: Only 1% of the web we see is the surface web. The other 99% is Internet rapists!

[Abe performs the O face]

Net-Meister 4089: If the deep web keeps growing at this pace, the entire Internet will turn into a monsoon of foot fetish and testosterone.

Abraham Ethernet: Oh God, what can we do about it? Can we go inside the deep web and take it out?

Net-Meister 4089: It's our only shot.

Abraham Ethernet: Yeah... Yeah! Yeah!

[Abe and Net-Meister hi-five, but Abe completely misses his hand and slaps his wrist instead]

Abraham Ethernet: I'm in. Who-Who else is in?!

[The camera shows Net-Meister]

Net-Meister 4089: I'm in.

[The camera shows Captain Dial Up]

Captain Dial Up: Me too.

[The camera pans to Dr. USB]

Dr. USB: Yeah.

[The camera cuts to CPR and Captain Dial Up. Dr. USB shoves his face into the camera]

Copy Paste Repeat: Hey guys, what are we talking about here?

[The scene takes on a montage style. Three guns are thrown into a pile. Net-Meister hands a gun to Dr. USB]

Net-Meister 4089: Here Dr. USB, take this loaded firearm. You seem mentally stable.

[Dr. USB looks at the camera and smiles]

Dr. USB: Daddy's coming home.

[The camera then goes over to Net-Meister, who is putting on his 3D glasses. Dr. USB then points his gun against Net-Meister's head.]

Net-Meister 4089: Let's rock.

[The camera cuts to everyone attempting to huddle up to the computer desk]

Net-Meister 4089: Stop here. Stop here.

Abraham Ethernet: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I need to make-

[Everyone goes up to the desk, some bumping into it, dropping things on the floor. However Abe picks it all up]

Net-Meister 4089: Okay, you guys good?

Net-Meister 4089: Alright, everyone... alright.

[Abe climbs over the desk. As he does, some members of the group mumble things to each other in annoyance]

Net-Meister 4089: We gotta install Tor for maximum sketchiness.

Abraham Ethernet: They don't call you not- Net-Meister for nothin', Net-Meister.

Abraham Ethernet: ...Wha-What's Tor?

Net-Meister 4089: Well, I'm glad you asked. Basically, it's a program that allows us to be anonymous on the dark web.

[Equipment crashes]

Net-Meister 4089: So, we-we have to be anonymous. We can't say anyone's name.

Net-Meister 4089: If we do say anyone's real name while we're in the deep web, we're scripped!

Abraham Ethernet: Radical! I—

[Dr. USB knocks over something on the desk, interrupting Abe]

Abraham Ethernet: Gnarly, Net-Mei— I mean, my anonymous friend Net-Meister.

Net-Meister 4089: Did you hear that, Mr. Dial-Up?

[Captain Dial Up looks at the camera with a smile. The camera cuts to Net-Meister, Dr. USB, and CPR]

Net-Meister 4089: Alright, who's ready for the deep web?

Dr. USB: I eat the deep web for breakfast!

Copy Paste Repeat: Oh yeah, well, they call me Mr. Breakfast.

[The camera cuts to the whole group at the desk]

Net-Meister 4089: Alright, who's ready for the deep web?

[The whole group exclaims in excitement and screams before static appears, and they all vanish from the desk. After this, the scene shows a vast glowing tunnel, labeled "NOW ENTERING DEEP WEB". A scene flashes briefly before cutting to back. Thunder is heard, and the video's aspect ratio goes from 4:3 to 16:9. The group is seen falling in a mysterious multicolored void as the camera shakes.]

Captain Dial Up: Are we there yet?

Net-Meister 4089: We just have to watch this video and then we'll be there.

[An old-timey cinematic-style opening into a VHS-looking video appears. It counts down from 3, and then shows a title card, "THE DEEP WEB WELCOME TO YOUR SECOND LIFE" ("¡Con subtítulos en español!"). Foreign language subtitles are shown under every sentence during this video. After the title card, Trent is shown. As he talks, his voice cuts as multiple shots of him continuing his sentences are shown.]

Trent: Hi - I'm - Trent. I see - you're - tempted - to - access - the deep web. Welcome to the family.

[Trent is now standing next to an illegal pornographer who doubles as a hitman]

Trent: I'm about to enchant you with all the hit men for hire, and illegal pornography-

[The hitman takes down his shirt, revealing some of his chest hair]

Trent: ...Yeah.

Trent: Now I'm just going to attempt to prove my worth to you by showing you all the dangers of the deep web so that you can stay safe and cool.

[a map is shown]

Trent: This is the Internet.

[a bear is shown]

Trent: This is a bear on the Internet.

[A censored naked woman is shown]

Trent: This is... pornography... on the Internet.

[The same map is shown again, but fully censored]

Trent: This is the Internet on the deep web.

[The same bear is shown, with its snout censored]

Trent: This is a bear on the deep web.

[The same naked picture is shown, with a censor bar in front of the face]

Trent: This is Eric... on the deep we-

[The camera cuts back to Trent]

Trent: Oh, hi. I didn't see you there.

Trent: My name's Trent.

Trent: And let's see what other people have to say about the deep web.

[Trent goes up to an unnamed person wearing a mask]

Trent: You have anything to say about the deep web? Wha-

Unnamed man: It's good.

[The camera cuts back to Trent]

Trent: Oh, hi. I didn't see you there.

Trent: My name's Trent.

Trent: Well, that's it for the deep web today.

Trent: Happy cannibalisming.

[Text on the screen appears saying "HAPPY CANNIBALISMING". A credits screen appears, briefly flashing "Jennifer this is Greg I really think we can make this work please return my calls we really need to talk" before showing just "Fin". The camera flashes around many shots of a green neighborhood, before everyone going into the deep web appears in a flash of blue light and starts running around while screaming.]

Abraham Ethernet: Whoa!

Dr. USB: Where are we? Where are we?!

[After a while, Captain Dial Up shoves his face into the camera from the right and screams]

[The camera cuts to Dr. USB and Net-Meister on the outside of the Egg Store]

Net-Meister 4089: Ay Caramba, Doctor. Where are we?

Dr. USB: If there's one thing I know, it's that I have no idea where we are. I could use a bite to eat though. L-Let's go get some food.

Net-Meister 4089: Have you lost your gigabytes, Dr. USB? We're in the deep web. Do you wanna know what child porn tastes like?

Dr. USB: I mean, I'm pretty open-minded.

Net-Meister 4089: Well I mean, there is that place over there.

[The camera changes shot to a door with a sign reading "Egg Store" on it, however, the sign falls off, and quickly after this, Net-Meister and Dr. USB enter the store. They notice guns and two unnamed figures in the shop]

Net-Meister 4089: Wait a minute... this is a weapon store. The sign said 'egg shop.

[The camera cuts to Barack and Ronaldo sitting down]

Barack: What are you talking about? Would you like pickled or shelled?

[The camera then cuts to a zoom-in of a prison. It shows the inside and CPR copies himself in it]

Copy Paste Repeat: Wow! It was just like I cut from that one place and pasted into here. Huh!

[Larry Tesler begins speaking to CPR from inside of a dark cell]

Larry Tesler: Best method of transportation there is.

[The camera cuts back to CPR]

Copy Paste Repeat: Dadman Larry?

[The camera cuts back to Larry Tesler, and the lights in the cell brighten up]

Larry Tesler: Son-boy CPR, it's good to see you.

[The camera cuts to Abe running up to a school]

Abraham Ethernet: Whoa! My aimless wandering has brought me to a local underfunded school in the deep web.

Abraham Ethernet: I can finally learn about human trafficking.

[Abe begins to run towards the school before the camera cuts to Captain Dial Up running around in a forest]

Captain Dial Up: Where am I? I need to find shelter before I get trafficked. You know, being human and all.

[The camera cuts back to the outside of the prison]

Copy Paste Repeat: What kind of apprehendable behavior got you in jail, Papa Tess?

[The camera cuts to Larry Tesler, with CPR looking at the cell]

Larry Tesler: Well, you see not a lot of people really... appreciated what I do in the world, the copy, pasting and repeating.

[Larry Tesler has a flashback to him being in different areas, his voice echoing as he repeats his name]

Larry Tesler: Hi uh, Larry Tesler.

Larry Tesler: Larry Tesler at your— My name's Larry— Larry Tesler, pleasure— Name's Tesler. Larry Te-

Larry Tesler: What's up, it's Larry Tesler he- Larry. Tesler.

[The camera cuts back to the outside of the prison]

Larry Tesler: It's apparently frowned upon to say your name around these parts, but it isn't frowned upon to be a fraud. Dang, that egg store down the street is a scam.

[the camera cuts to Dr. USB and Net-Meister in the egg store]

Net-Meister 4089: So, uh, are those mustaches real?

[The camera cuts to Barack and Ronaldo]

Barack: Do pigs have organs?

[The camera cuts to Dr. USB]

Dr. USB: As a doctor, I feel obligated to answer this question. In most cases, yes. Yes, in fact they do.

[The camera cuts back to Barack and Ronaldo]

Barack: Yes, they're real.

Ronaldo: Nobody ever suspects the egg store. Think about it. When does a cop say, "let's check the egg store?"

[The camera cuts back to Dr. USB and Net-Meister]

Dr. USB: Point made.

[Barack now has a shelled egg in his mouth, which he spits out]

Barack: Due to problems with the Food and Drug Administration, we had to change our name to 'Eggs and More'.

[The camera cuts back to Dr. USB and Net-Meister]

Net-Meister 4089: So wait a minute. The FDA knows this store exists, but not the FBI?

[The camera cuts back to Barack and Ronaldo]

Barack: We can't make any reference to those folk. We can't even make any reference to our own real names. I'm not even sure if we exist anymore!

Ronaldo: You give up a lot to be part of the deep web market.

Barack: You won't believe what Ronaldo did to get here.

[The camera pans to Ronaldo, who looks at the camera in horror. Police sirens begin wailing in the background]

Ronaldo: Jesus Barack, do you have a filter? Four years without saying my name and you choose now to say it. They're gonna be after us in no time!

Barack: Dios mío!

[The police start shooting at the egg store as Barack and Ronaldo shoot back, before the camera cuts back to Captain Dial Up. Captain Dial Up manages to find a house after a while of running through the woods, and he begins to bang on the door in hopes of getting let in]

Captain Dial Up: Help, let me in, I'm cold and I'm suffering from heat stroke, and think you've contracted depression!

[Captain Dial Up is let in, and encounters Earl, whose video feed is on a laptop. The laptop has a hat on it]

Earl: Hello there, stranger, what can I do you for?

[The camera cuts back to Captain Dial Up]

Captain Dial Up: I need a place to stay, the deep web's too much.

[The camera cuts back to Earl]

Earl: Well obviously, the deep web's so deep that I have to run my farm remotely in Tucson, Arizona.

Earl: Well I do have here, a quaint little place but it's good enough to call home.

Earl: We have food, water, shelter, toothbrush, beds, more water, mm, uh, fans, uh- guitars, lakes, ponds, rivers, grass, trees, bushes! You can stay as long as you want, but I only have one rule.

Earl: Don't touch my son.

[The camera cuts back to Captain Dial Up]

Captain Dial Up: That's it? I can do that with my eyes closed.

[The camera cuts to Abe coming out of the school with a piece of paper]

Abraham Ethernet: Wrong class.

[Abe throws the paper in a trash can and it's revealed to be a paper titled "HISTORY OF HENTAI by Roald Dahl" before the camera cuts back to Earl. Captain Dial Up is eating a pint of ice cream.]

Earl: That meal's a classic here, down in the deep web.

[The camera cuts back to Captain Dial Up]

Captain Dial Up: It's great, Mr., Mr., uh- I'm sorry, we haven't been formally introduced. I'm Captain Dial Up!

[The camera cuts back to Earl]

Earl: Don't you dare say your name around these parts!

Earl: You can get locked up for saying that. And don't you dare think I'm above calling the authorities.

[The camera cuts back to Captain Dial Up, who stabs his spoon into the pint]

Captain Dial Up: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I knew that. Captain Dial Up's just an alias of mine.

[The camera cuts back to Earl]

Earl: Aha, well my name is Earl.

[Earl winks. The camera cuts back to Captain Dial Up]

Captain Dial Up: It's a pleasure to meet you. Now if you could excuse me for a second.

[Captain Dial Up rushes under the table to scribble out his name on his birth certificate, before tearing it in half. The camera then cuts to The Farmer's Son, who is similarly on a laptop screen.]

Earl's Son: Hi.

[Captain Dial Up stays quiet, causing Earl to look at him, annoyed]

Captain Dial Up: ...Hey.

[The camera cuts back to Earl]

Earl: Alright, time for bed.

[Captain Dial Up goes to "his" bedroom, on the way meeting Earl's Son in his own]

Earl's Son: Good night.

[A long silence occurs between Captain Dial Up and The Farmer's Son. The camera then cuts to the outside of the house Captain Dial Up went in, mostly obscured by the night]

Earl: Scram, you good-for-nothing hooligans. I'm calling the police.

[The camera cuts back to the egg store where Barack and Ronaldo are still shooting. Net-Meister and Dr. USB are seen under a table.]

Net-Meister 4089: What do we do?!

Dr. USB: No parents, no rules!

[The duo get up from under the table]

Net-Meister 4089: Wait a minute, wait a minute! FBI, everyone! Stop what you're doing, one sec.

Net-Meister 4089: One sec, one sec. Okay, go!

[Dr. USB and Net-Meister start shooting their own guns before they're teleported away]

Ronaldo: No! He was our best gunman!

[The camera cuts to the outside of the Deep Web Capital Building. Then, the inside is shown, and everyone gets teleported in, one by one, in flashes of light.]

Dr. USB: Oh, God!

[A TV appears, first showing static, then a black screen with text saying "Video Feed 1", where a pure-white figure finally appears. Flames are shown on the sides of the TV.]

Mr. Bandwidth: Hah! A bunch of surface web folk trying to make it big on my turf. Do you realize my turf spans over 7,500 terabytes?

Mr. Bandwidth: It's physically improbable for you surface web cyberpunks to try and corrupt my land.

Mr. Bandwidth: Only I'm powerful enough to do that. I run this popsicle stand.

[The camera cuts to Abe and Net-Meister]

Net-Meister 4089: Look Poindexter, we came here to stop the deep web from expanding. It's been leaking over into our turf, the surface web.

Abraham Ethernet: Yeah! We wanna make the Internet great again!

[The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth]

Mr. Bandwidth: Well I would have kept the Internet great if you wouldn't have sent this little care package.

[The TV Mr. Bandwidth is on statics into text saying "Video Feed 2" which then statics to a picture of eGrope. The camera cuts back to Abe and Net-Meister]

Net-Meister 4089: Wait a minute, what's going on here? That's our cyber-rapist. He belongs to the surface web.

Net-Meister 4089: Beat it, deep web punks!

[The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth]

Mr. Bandwidth: And what a cyber-rapist he is. He's the main source of power for this.

[The TV shows a slideshow detailing Mr. Bandwidth's plans, with text below saying "ARTIST'S DEPICTION"]

Mr. Bandwidth: All I needed was a surface web inhabitant's DNA incorporateness to power this router, which is overriding the surface web with my dark markets and narcotics, which means everybody can access the deep web and impulse-buy anything they please.

Mr. Bandwidth: My deep web empire will skyrocket in profitability. I will become one of the most well-known faces in corporation history.

Mr. Bandwidth: I will become the Jared Fogle of selling child porn.

[The camera cuts back to Abe and Net-Meister]

Net-Meister 4089: The only problem is both your weapons salesmen are being apprehended by the FBI as we speak. Ehh!

[The camera cuts to Dr. USB, who raises his hand]

Dr. USB: Excuse me, can I join the sales team?

[The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth]

Mr. Bandwidth: Yeah, sure.

[The camera cuts to everyone complaining about Dr. USB's betrayal]

Abraham Ethernet: Oh, come on, what?

Net-Meister 4089: Are you serious, man?

Abraham Ethernet: Come on, man! Oh my God!

Net-Meister 4089: Really?

Captain Dial Up: What the f**k.

[The camera cuts back to Dr. USB]

Dr. USB: I mean, come on, when Barack was telling us about all that money he donated to Kony 2012, I feel like I owe him something for his service.

[The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth]

Mr. Bandwidth: Well you can all say goodbye to your precious surface web because this time tomorrow, it will be flooded by my dark markets and narcotics. Hahahaha!

[The camera cuts back to Abe and Net-Meister]

Abraham Ethernet: Tomorrow?

[The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth]

Mr. Bandwitdth: Verizon could never find the address to this place so I had to settle for a local dial-up provider. To be honest, I started this operation six days ago.

[The camera cuts back to Abe and Net-Meister]

Net-Meister 4089: Listen, you can't do this. The surface web and deep web are separate for a reason.

Net-Meister 4089: You can do all the crimes you want down here, but the surface web is ours and we like it that way.

[The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth]

Mr. Bandwidth: Why would I listen to a cyberpunk like yourself, you change clothes like every four minutes.

[The camera cuts to Abe, who is wearing completely different clothing for just this shot]

Abraham Ethernet: Yeah, I know, right? It's stupid.

[The camera cuts to Captain Dial Up]

Captain Dial Up: Wait, you're using dial-up?

[The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth]

Mr. Bandwidth: Probably, yeah.

[Captain Dial Up picks up a phone and begins using it. Dial-up sounds begin ringing in the background. The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth, increasingly annoyed by the sounds. It occasionally cuts back to Captain Dial Up who stares Mr. Bandwidth down.]

Mr. Bandwidth: Wait, stop, stop. Stop man, stop! Come on, don't do that man, stop. Stop it! Stop! Stop. It. Oh my God! I'm, ughh, come on, stop. Ye- eh... Computer, open WayBack Machine. Set course for eGropes' take off.

[Footage is shown from the website The Wayback Machine where the computer enters the address "www.depressedoptimist.com", a transition then cuts to the previous scene when eGrope was kicked by Abe. The camera briefly cuts to Mr. Bandwidth.]

Mr. Bandwidth: A bit of a throwback to when you all messed up the surface web so hard, and just because I'm yearning for a power-trip you're mucking on my property, how do you like this?'

[Captain Dial Up gets shot. Abe and Net-Meister run to the body, and Net-Meister is seen standing over him, exasperated]

Net-Meister 4089: Oh, God. Grandmaster Dial-Up, are you okay? You shot him, you bastards!

[A compilation of Captain Dial Up moments is shown, in monochrome. The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth.]

Mr. Bandwidth: Doctor, can you... kill them, please?

[Dr. USB begins shooting Abraham and Net-Meister, swinging around a vhs rewinder. The camera cuts to Mr. Bandwidth.]

Mr. Bandwidth: This is unethical, however relentlessly pathetic.

Mr. Bandwidth: Better spice it up a tad.

[The camera cuts to a router, which is destroyed when a hammer falls on it. The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth]

Mr. Bandwidth: There we go, that should be enough torture for them.

[The gunfight continues, but now it's buffering. The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth]

Mr. Bandwidth: Alright, this is worse for me than it probably is for them! Computer, go back to the deep web.

[Abe falls, and spits up blood]

Abraham Ethernet: Who are you?

[The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth]

Mr. Bandwidth: I'm Mr. Bandwidth! ...Dammit!

[The camera cuts back to Abe]

Abraham Ethernet: Really? You said your name 'cause I asked you to?

[The camera cuts back to Mr. Bandwidth]

Mr. Bandwidth: Nobody ever asked me what my name was! This is bullsh*t!

[Police sirens begin blaring]

Mr. Bandwidth: You meddling cyberpunks! All would be well if you would have just stuck to your educational farse! You just don't get it. The surface web would never exist without the deep web. We have all your passwords and sh*t! ...And narcotics and child porn.

Mr. Bandwidth: If I can't go through with my plan then I might as well subject us all to eternal damnation. Bet you didn't know this sucker had an emotional self destruct button.

[eGrope gets blown up as the rest of the Internet begins to as well]

Mr. Bandwidth: Hahahahahahahaha! AHH—

[Mr. Bandwidth is blown up]

Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089: Oh noooooooooo!

[Abe and Net-Meister attempt to run away as Dr. USB lets himself get blown up by the explosion, and directly after, the Deep Web Capital Building is also blown up. Abe then runs by CPR and Larry Tesler]

Abraham Ethernet: Come on, CPR, this place is gonna blow!

Copy Paste Repeat: Larry Tesler's here though. The Larry Tesler? Ever heard of him? I'm staying here. Whether you guys try to convince me or not, I'm staying right here, for so— where'd you guys go?

[CPR gets blown up. The camera cuts to Abe and Net-Meister, running for their lives]

Net-Meister 4089: We're not gonna make it!

Abraham Ethernet: Oh no!

[Net-Meister, Abe, and the entire deep web is blown up by the explosion. The explosion then fades into white and Abe's hat can be seen floating in a white void before The Internet and You logo appears in the same way as the beginning followed by a section showing where the characters are after the events of The Internet and You.]

["WHAT DID THEY LEARN?"]

["COPY PASTE REPEAT - Status of Internet Knowledge: Mr. Internet - Real Life Status: Dead"]

["eGROPE - Status of Internet Knowledge: Internet Connoisseur - Real Life Status: Dead"]

["FIREWIRE YOM KIPPUR - Status of Internet Knowledge: Ulysses S. Internet - Real Life Status: Dead"]

["DR. USB - Status of Internet Knowledge: Reverend Internet - Real Life Status: Dead"]

["BLUETOOTH - Status of Internet Knowledge: Internet Wunderkind - Real Life Status: Dead"]

["CAPTAIN DIAL UP - Status of Internet Knowledge: Internet Man - Real Life Status: Dead"]

["ABRAHAM ETHERNET NET-MEISTER 4089 - Status of Internet Knowledge: Disciples of the Net - Real Life Status: Dead"]

[The Internet and You logo is shown again, breaking through the screen to turn the aspect ratio back to 16:9. The aspect ratio goes back to 4:3 as the credits roll.]

Trent's subtitles[]

During Trent's section in the original, there are subtitles, however, these don't match up to what he actually says.

Original[]

WIP

¡Con subtitulos español!

Hola mi nombre es Trent.

Tengo entendido que está intentando acceder a Internet profunda.

Bienvenido al cuito.

¡¡¡¡¡¡¡Pornografia!!!!!!!

Mozel tov

Ahora voy a tratar de demostrar mi valor para todos ustedes.

Al mostrar que io que hace que la Web profunda fan fresco.

Puede estar segure y irrelevant.

ｲｿﾌ ﾇﾂﾄIII

くま!!!

ポルノ

Este es mi favorito

Este también es mi favorilo

Esto no necesita ninguna explicación

[unknown]

Trent aquí

Vamos a ver lo que mortal tiene que decir

Háblame por favor

Es bueno

Estoy escribléndo esta letra en Google translate

Trent aquí

Como si aiguien sabrá jajajajaja

Por favor ayuda

English translation[]

With Spanish subtitles!

Hello, my name is Trent.

Please understand that you are trying to access the deep Internet.

Welcome to cult.

Pornography!!!!!!!

Mozel tov.

Now I will try to demonstrate my value for all of you

By showing that what makes the Web deep cool.

So you can be sure and irrelevant.

Internet

Bear

Porn

This is my favorite

This is also my favorite

This doesn't need any explanation

I said a jump from the hippie hippie hip to the hip, the jump from the hip, and you don't stop to the pop of the pop of the boogie, for example, just jump the boogie

Trent here

Let's see what this mortal has to say

Talk to me please

It's good

I am writing this letter in Google translate

Trent here

As if someone will still know hahahahaha

Please help me

Trivia[]

  • Writing for the video began in February 2016 and officially ended on July 21, 2016. The filming was done during a high school break, days before graduation.
  • In the scene with Fire Wire Yom Kippur (played by Hunter Theis), the Seinfeld music and laugh track was added to make it seem intentional that Theis's acting was "horrendous".[2]
  • Through the Scott The Woz Merchandise for Charity Bonanza 2019, VHS tapes like the one seen on Scott Wozniak's desk were sold.
  • The box art for The Internet and You that's on The Internet and You VHS can be seen on an animated Five Below in It's a Bargain Bin Christmas.
  • The line "Oh noooooooooooo!" by Net-Meister 4089 in response to the deep web is starting to take over the surface web is a reference to Othello, a former series by Scott Wozniak.
  • In the credits for the actors of the short, Will Kanwischer is misspelled as Will Kantischer.
  • Because it is the first (available) video on the Scott The Woz YouTube Channel, it was at the time of its release the longest video on the channel with a runtime of 31 minutes and 47 seconds, however, it wasn't beaten until the release of Best of Scott The Woz 2017, over a year later.
  • A recurring theme in the video is Captain Dial Up being called different honorifics by Net-Meister 4089, being called Captain, Commander, Professor, Grandmaster, and Coronel, as well as simply mister.
  • The video is the first to feature a character coughing up blood, an act that would later appear in Tinder, Borderline Forever, and It's Awesome Baby!.
  • During the recurring clip of Dr. USB attacking Abraham Ethernet, a notification sound from an iPhone can be heard in the background. The same notification can be heard during USB initial argument toward 4089 and Ethernet. The notifications could possibly have been from Will Kanwischer's iPhone, as he had his iPhone on him during the filming of Dr. USB's first scenes.[3]
    • Similarly, during Copy Paste Repeat's appearance in TECHNOLOGY What Powers Your Gun and Internet, a sound effect from the video calling application Skype can be heard.
  • On June 24, 2020, Scott Wozniak posted on the Scott's Stash community tab that he had recovered the raw footage of the episode from a corrupted one terabyte portable hard drive by repairing it for $3000.
  • When the main cast of the video arrives in the deep web, Abraham Ethernet says that he wants to make the Internet "great again," which could've been a reference to Donald Trump's 2016 presidential campaign, which was ongoing at the time of the video's release.
    • Additionally, Copy Paste Repeat wears a hat that was sold as merchandise during Trump's campaign.
  • The school that Ethernet attends to learn about human trafficking was Scott Wozniak's former high school.
  • The video was intended to be a final school video before the end of senior year. The video evolved from a 10-minute educational video to be accompanied by an essay Wozniak and Kanwischer assigned for an AP Literature class due for the end of senior year and intended to feature as many colleagues as possible, however, the goal couldn't be reached as many people were leaving for college.
  • The scenes of Net-Meister 4089 and Dr. USB in Eggs and More where filmed separately from Barack and Ronaldo's scenes.[4]
  • The video was originally supposed to be educational, however, it was later changed into a comedy.
  • Because of the video's length, and actors not showing up at times, the scenes were filmed in no particular order.
  • The now-privated video "The Executive Branch and Why You Should Care" was created as The Internet and You was being scripted, and the VHS effects were used as a test to see if they would work well beforehand.
  • The video hit 800,000 views on January 29, 2022 at 12:03 PM EST.

References[]

  1. ↑ Commentary - The Internet and You (24:11)
  2. ↑ Commentary - The Internet and You (7:05)
  3. ↑ Exploring the Hard Drive of "The Internet and You" (2:47)
  4. ↑ Exploring the Hard Drive of "The Internet and You" (5:43)
  5. ↑ Commentary - The Internet and You (21:43)
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