Description[edit | edit source]
Cookin' hard or hardly cookin'?
Characters[edit | edit source]
Credits[edit | edit source]
Plot[edit | edit source]
The video starts with text appearing that spells out "Cookin' Hard", then a still frame of Scott Wozniak appears with text saying "Scott Wozniak Self Proclaimed Gluttony and Lust Fan", Scott Wozniak then unfreezes and introduces himself, when he's done introducing himself the text fades away, he then announces that he's going to be making food. It then cuts to Scott Wozniak in another part of his kitchen, he says that if one wants to be a chef they need to own a whisk and a hat, he says that he always has a spare whisk on him at all times and takes it out of his left sock, but also says that he needs to improvise on the hat, so he uses a hospital hat, he then talks again how he's going to be making food, he then announces the food he is going to cook, a Banquet meal, he says that he's fallen for the Chicken Tenders ploy and says how he almost decided on the Chicken Fried Beef-Stake meal but remembered that he didn't want his intestines to look like a swamp. It then cuts to Scott Wozniak opening the Banquet meal box using a box cutter, he then talks about what the food contains before throwing the Banquet meal box in the recycling bin, along with his dignity, after that he says that he threw it in the trash due to it being vegan and that he wants to give respect for his friends who are pitching for the other team. Then as he's about to microwave the Banquet meal he remembers that he recycled the instructions, so he uses a wives tale about taking his age dividing it by two, multiplying it by four and dividing it by two again, he then puts the food in the microwave along with the fork, he also says that he's heard a wives tale about putting classical music next to the microwave as his food is preparing and it will come out smarter, however, he says that he doesn't care how smart the food comes out as he's gonna enjoy it regardless of how stupid it is. He then remembers that he needs to have parmesan cheese and Persia on the side to complete the ambiance, he then drives to the store to pick up these two things, but instead, he picks up a couple of cheese singles and a box of Crispix, but he says that if one's ever owned a dictionary that they are right next to the definition of good enough. He then tries to make the food that will be made by the cheese singles and the box of Crispix, he starts by opening the cheese singles and cutting them with his local pair of scissors and he just opens the box of Crispix and let it sit while he figures out what it's purpose in the market is. He then says that he needs to make popsicles as dessert for on the side consumption, he says that he has his fridge unplugged when he's not using it to save power and needs to plug it back in to make the popsicles. It then cuts to when the Banquet meal is done, Scott Wozniak then goes to the bathroom to take a break and then when he comes back he takes the Banquet meal out of the microwave and the popsicle out of the fridge, he then fiddles with the positioning of the food and then washes his hands due to germs. He then puts the parmesan cheese over the chicken and puts the Crispix on the counter as a conversation piece. Scott Wozniak then tries the food, only to puke afterward.
Music[edit | edit source]
- Housewives Choice - Harry Bluestone
Cards[edit | edit source]
Gallery[edit | edit source]
Transcript[edit | edit source]
Scott Wozniak: Ah. Scott, your local friendly neighborhood resident local foody here and today, we're making... food.
Scott Wozniak: Now hold your horses here, to be a chef you must own two things, a whisk, and a hat, now, I always keep a spare whisk on me at all times, but in terms of the chef hat, I'm gonna have to improvise, so this will do.
Scott Wozniak: Today we're going to be preparing a meal consisting of food, so get those digestive systems ready, because they're gonna have to work overtime as we're preparing a Banquet meal! Heh, today we're falling for the chicken tenders ploy, uh, I almost decided on the chicken fried beefsteak meal, but then I didn't want my intestines to look like a fucking swamp!
Scott Wozniak: The ingredients today we'll be using include a box cutter and a banquet meal, let's get to the unboxing, after cutting the box open we have a tray, chicken, and food, some cardboard writing on the outside, and negative a dollar twenty-nine. Take the cardboard, receipt, and dignity and throw it in the recycling bin.
Scott Wozniak: I've heard from multiple sources that recycling is totally vegan so we should do so in respect for our friends who are pitching for the other team because we're totally gonna kill, like, five animals by eating this thing.
Scott Wozniak: So now it's time to microwave this guy, the only problem is the instructions... are recycled, they're gone, destroyed, no return, but here's a little trick telling you how long to put something into the microwave for. Just take your age, divide it by two, multiply it by four and divide it by two again and that's how long it'll take for this sucker to be ready, I've also heard another wives tale about putting classical music next to the microwave as your meal's preparing and the food will out smarter, me personally, I couldn't care less, I'm gonna love this meal regardless of how fucking stupid it comes out.
Scott Wozniak: Ugh! How could I forget! We obviously need parmesan cheese to sprinkle over the meal and some Persia on the side to complete the ambiance, I'll be right back!
Scott Wozniak: Oh my god, so, all they had left at the store was this thing of cheese singles and a box of Crispix, but if you've ever owned a dictionary you know for a fact that these two items are right next to the definition for the word good enough!
Scott Wozniak: The craft singles are no issue, first open the packaging and final step cut the cheese with your local pair of scissors in a fine shred shape and in terms of the Crispix, just open the package and let it simmer while we figure out what it's purpose in the market is.
Scott Wozniak: And now what's a meal without dessert, that's why we're gonna be making popsicles for on the side consumption.
Scott Wozniak: I always keep my fridge unplugged to save energy, so I'll plug it back in to get these popsicles cooking, leave them in there until the Banquet meal is done.
Scott Wozniak: Well you know what they say, a good meal is never done, but that'll do. Time to celebrate! Three-pointer!
Scott Wozniak: After this, you and definitely I deserve a break, go to the bathroom and after that time to take the Banquet meal out and fiddle with the positioning of the food, afterward, wash your hands, germs right!? Put your parmesan cheese over the chicken or whatever and just leave the Crispix on the counter as a conversation piece.
Scott Wozniak: Well, dinner is served and possibly edible too! Bon appetit!
Scott Wozniak: Buba hahah!