Episode 189: Personal Trainer: Cooking

Personal Trainer: Cooking is the 39th episode of Scott The Woz Season 4 and overall the 189th episode. The video was uploaded on November 26, 2020, by Scott Wozniak on Scott The Woz.

Description
Scott chefs. Happy Thanksgiving! Merchandise for Charity: https://www.pixelempire.com/scott

Characters

 * Scott Wozniak
 * Jeb Jab
 * Rex Mohs

Credits

 * Scott Wozniak as Scott Wozniak
 * Eric Turney as Rex Mohs
 * Sam Essig as Jeb Jab

Plot
WIP

Music

 * Slots - Super Mario Bros. 3
 * World Map - Personal Trainer: Cooking
 * Menu - Brain Age
 * Personal Trainer: Cooking - Super Smash Bros. Ultimate
 * Hackney Carriage by Cedric Palmer
 * Main Menu - Personal Trainer: Cooking
 * Western Recipe - Shaberu! DS Oryōri Navi
 * Flowchart - Personal Trainer: Cooking
 * Search - Personal Trainer: Cooking
 * Spindlelegs - Cedric Palmer
 * Breakout - 3D Dot Game Heroes

End Cards

 * Console Launches
 * Scott The Woz Merchandise for Charity Bonanza 2020
 * As Seen on TV

Transcript
Scott Wozniak: Hey all, Scott here!

[He pulls a large sheet of paper from above. It says “List o’ Sins” and has the list “pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth” written on it, all in cursive writing]]

Scott: What are we sinnin’ today?

[He looks over the list, thinking. He points at “gluttony”]

Scott: I am pretty hungry…

[He thinks some more before pointing at “lust”]

Scott: Lust.

Scott: ''I should get more into eating food, I heard people love that stuff. ...The issue is-''

[It cuts to Scott sitting at a table. He has his head in one hand and a loaf of bread is in front of him. It cuts back to him at his desk]

Scott: ''...I don’t know how to cook. That’s a problem! With Thanksgiving around the corner, what am I gonna do if I can’t cook? Be thankful?''

Scott: Thankfully, I have an escape route; there happens to be a Nintendo DS game that has ALL the answers!

[One of Scott’s game shelves full of Nintendo DS games is shown. He takes Pac-Pix off the shelf. It cuts to him back at his desk, playing on a red 3DS]

Scott: ''What am I doing here…? This isn’t Personal Trainer Math!''

Scott: ''The Nintendo DS era - when uncles were reborn. Your non-videogame-playing family members finally had something to do with their lives! While Nintendo did a lot to satiate the core audiences with the platform, they wanted to expand- give the rest of the population who didn’t play video games what they wanted… world peace and 100 Classic Books. They introduced the Touch Generations label… used on games meant for geriatrics patients. These games were meant to be enjoyed and understandable to nearly anybody and everybody. While some were definitely still videogames, others were moreso applications, educational tools, self-help software.''

''They snuck in a few video-gamey videogames under this label… like Elite Beat Agents. Oh, f*ck, grandma would totally understand this. But most Touch Generations games were on the level of Brain Age, Big Brain Academy, Cross Words DS. While the ‘proud to be a gamer’ demographics wants these titles to burn in Hell… I find them to be incredibly important. They broaden the gaming demographic and made way for applications of this nature on more accessible devices like smartphones and Personal Trainer Walking invented exercise.''

''It’s just interesting to see videogames that aren’t videogames for a videogame console. 100 Classic Books doesn’t even have an ESRB age rating. Looks like I’m reading the kids Othello tonight. But what DOES have a rating… Personal Trainer Cooking; a cookbook for the Nintendo DS.''

[It cuts back to Scott at his desk]

Scott: ''Now this is a game! See, 100 Classic Books doesn’t have an age rating because they’re books- old, unedited, public domain classics like Huck Finn. Personal Trainer Cooking is basically just a cookbook but it has ‘alcohol references’ so it’s rated E for Everyone. So, overall, 100 Classic Books is more appropriate for all ages. ...Ever actually read Huck Finn?''

Scott: ''”Gourmet Made Easy”- so easy you need to buy a DS to make mac n’ cheese. “The DS Chef talks you through international recipes.”- they got the DS Chef in on this?! That tears it- I’m ready! I’m gonna-''

[He puts a chef hat on]

Scott: -wear this chef’s hat like it’s 2027 and we’re gonna make history and to a lesser extent - food.

[The game card is shown being inserted into the 3DS. It cuts to show Scott in his kitchen. He has his 3DS on top of the oven]

Scott: Oh, Jesus, God- what if I put in the wrong game...?!

[The 3DS is shown. The DS Chef reads the title screen]

DS Chef: Welcome to Personal Trainer: Cooking!

Scott: Oh, thank Christ.

[The 3DS is shown again]

DS Chef: Before we go any further, please adjust my voice to the speed you like.

Scott: Wh- slow down, there.

[The 3DS is shown. “Chef’s Voice Settings” is at the top of the screen and says “Set the Chef’s Speaking Speed.” The touch screen has a slider from a tortoise to a hare and has a “Listen” button. Scott slides the slider to the far left and presses the Listen button.]

DS Chef: [slowly] Is this a good speed for you?

Scott: I have very slow ears.

[A ding is heard as the 3DS is shown once again]

DS Chef: ''You’re ready to start cooking tasty dishes from all over the world!

Scott: Adjusting talk speed is all it takes?

Scott: But it is a cookbook, so I’ve gotta check the settings first.

[He taps the “Settings” button on the main menu. It cuts to show a menu called “Kitchen Timer” that has an adjustable timer on the bottom screen]

Scott: ''A kitchen timer’s included! I own a kitchen, a DS, a will to cook, but not a timer.''

[A menu titled “Excluded Ingredients” is shown with a list of foods with checkboxes on the touch screen]

Scott: You can exclude certain ingredients based on dietary restrictions, which is pretty handy.

Scott: According to my religion, stomach and opinion, I can’t eat food, so it’s good I can exclude certain recipes.

[A menu titled “Shopping List” is shown]

Scott: ''There’s a built-in shopping list for when you’re gathering ingredients- with a calculator included. Anybody ever use Personal Trainer Cooking on an exam?''

[The screen displays four buttons; a large button called “Recipes” and the three smaller ones under it are “Cooking A-Z”, “Shopping List” and “Settings”]

Scott: ''There’s basically an index of info, here… This is pretty much a crash-course in what’s edible. There’s even quick videos showcasing how to gut a fish - like this one, where they gut a fish!''

[A video of a fish being gutted is shown]

Scott: This is going to be an INSANE turkey!

Scott: ''Well, let’s hop into the recipes where they give us a step-by-step procedure on how to use a spoon. Oh my God - there’s a lot of stuff here! All different kinds of food from all different kinds of countries… but what do I wanna prepare here? “New England Clam Chowder”?''

[He pauses and thinks. He half shrugs]

Scott: ''...F*ck it, that’s kinda funny. Okay- “select a saucepan of an appropriate size for the number of servings you will be preparing.”''

[He holds up a milk jug]

Scott: All I had was a milk jug.

[The 3DS shows a list of ingredients for the recipe]

Scott: ''Okay, so here’s all the ingredients I’m gonna need. Lucky for me, I already own food - I don’t NEED to buy ingredients. Fair- I only have two of the listed ingredients, but I can make this work. First up- canned clams.''

[He ticks “4 oz. clams (canned)” on the DS and opens a cupboard, revealing that it is completely filled with cans of Whole Baby Clams. He looks at all the cans, trying to decide which to use, before taking one off the shelf]

Scott: And two thirds of a small onion.

[He ticks “⅔ small onion” on the ingredients list and shows an onion that is missing a large side of itself]

Scott: Thank God- that’s the only portion I had.

Scott: ''I think we’re ready to move on to the actual cooking portion. The game offers light voice recognition, where you can scream at it to continue, repeat or go to the last step of your instructions. It honestly works pretty well for a Nintendo DS game from 2008 - it helps that you don’t have to get your messy hands on DS as you’re working and you can just focus on the clams. First up:''

[The 3DS screen shows step 1 “Draining the clams”]

DS Chef: First, drain the clams with the sieve.

Scott: The sieve was never on the ingredients - can I substitute it with clams?

[He is shown cutting the onion on an oven burner with a saw]

Scott: Let’s cut the onion,

[He is shown putting the saw in the dishwasher]

Scott: Clean our cutting utensils, substitute carrots with clams, potatoes with clams, bacon with clams- now it’s time to cook.

[He pours a can of clams out into the milk jug. They spill everywhere]

Scott: ...I’ve been meaning to get salmonella this year.

Scott: ''May as well try another one. ...Oh, f*ck- they got GOULASH in this?! Oh, damnit- It uses onions! I already used my whole two thirds onion already. Well, you know what they say; if you can’t make goulash, give up. But they got a mac n’ cheese recipe, here! That’s my favorite side dish at any Thanksgiving! ...Next to pretzels! I have to try, though- chop the cheddar,''

[He is shown hitting a block of cheddar on a plate with a knife blade]

Scott: Boil the macaroni,

[He is shown filling a saucepan with water at the sink]

Scott: ''I realized I was using a saucepan and sieve-

[He is shown picking up a saucepan and sieve filled with stationary from his computer desk]

Scott: -as a cupholder, so, lucky break, there.

[He is shown adding ingredients to a pot on a burner]

Scott: Make the sauce, don’t let it brown.

[He holds up a plastic bowl filled with a cooking-oil-like liquid]

Scott: Is green okay?

[He is shown shaking salt into the pan]

Scott: Season with salt and pepper,

[He is shown scraping the plate of chopped cheddar into the pot]

Scott: ''Mix everything together…’

Scott: I… don’t have macaroni noodles, so I’m just gonna use thick spaghetti.

[He holds up a box of thick spaghetti noodles. It cuts to him holding the pot and showing the camera]

Scott: ''Voilà! Macaroni and cheese-''

[The camera cuts to a close up of the inside of the pot. It is a pile of spaghetti with some cheese sauce on top]

Scott: -Ohioan style!

[The 3DS screen is shown. Celebrational music is playing and the DS Chef is applauding]

DS Chef: Nice work!

[Confetti falls. It changes to a calendar for February 2011. The 23rd has a stamp of a knife and fork on it]

Scott: ''Oh - We get achievements! You’re Goddamn right I made mac ‘n cheese today!''

Scott: ''I can make pretty much anything, now! We’re gonna increase the difficulty - chicken pot pie!''

[It cuts to black. “Half a Recipe Later” appears on screen. It cuts back to the kitchen. There are ingredients on the counters and the room is smoky, a fire alarm is beeping and gunfire can be heard. Scott is holding a bag of potatoes in one hand and is shaking a handful of raw chicken at a pan in the other]

Scott: YOU CAN’T FIT CHICKEN IN THAT!

[The video cuts and the smoke is gone and the alarm has stopped beeping. Scott looks at an empanada on a plate]

Scott: This is an empanada.

[He knocks it off the plate and onto the floor. A ding is heard. Scott turns around]

Scott: OH!

[He opens the fridge and removes a plastic box]

Scott: My rotisserie chicken’s done!

[He removes the lid. He grabs the chicken out of the box]

Scott: Gotta feed everybody and quick!

[He runs out of the kitchen. It cuts to Rex Mohs and Jeb Jab sitting at the table. There is a jar of pickles, a box of markers and a single candle in a jar on the table. They both have plastic knives and forks and plates. Jeb has a bottle of water on his plate and Rex has a Capri-Sun, which he is trying to cut]

Jeb: ''Oh, boy! Food AND plates?!''

Rex: Oh, yeah.

[He removes his sunglasses]

Rex: I haven’t eaten all of the month of November to prepare for this.

[Underneath his eyes are black. Scott sprints into the room]

Scott: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[He throws the chicken. It hits the wall and lands on the table. Rex eats a forkful of Capri-Sun. Jeb holds up a gourd]

Jeb: What is this?

Scott: It’s a gourd, bitch.

[Rex turns around in his chair]

Rex: What’s in the crockpot?

Scott: Cereal.

Jeb: ''You know what? I think I’m gonna go out for Thanksgiving this year.''

Rex: There’s this new place downtown called Stale Pretzels.

Jeb: ''Oh? What do they have?''

Rex: ...I don’t know.

Scott: ''Guys I busted my ass making all this! Least you can do is eat everything!''

[Jeb stares at him. Rex slumps over. It cuts to Scott back at his desk, pointing at himself]

Scott: ''And here directly in front of you, you will see a failure. Personal Trainer Cooking is a sham! It doesn’t even compete with the f*cking pretzel restaurant down the street.''

[It cuts to the three sitting on the couch. They each have a bowl of pretzels]

Jeb: Best Thanksgiving ever.

Rex: These pretzels are actually stale- I don’t know how they do it.

Scott: Even I can’t cook these.

[It cuts back to the desk]

Scott: ''While you can, in fact, follow the instructions-

[He is shown in the kitchen, stirring a pot]

Scott: ''-and get a good understanding of how to-

[He is shown placing a cheese sauce covered piece of chicken into a pan of water with some tongs]

Scott: -Effectively cook…

[It returns to the desk]

Scott: ''The voice recognition kinda blows. I know I said it was impressive for a DS game made in 2008 but, my God, it kept on picking up the clanks of my silverware as me telling it to continue or repeat the instructions.''

[It cuts to the kitchen. The camera is pointed at the 3DS on the burner. Clanking can be heard from across the room. The game dings and the instructions go to the next step]

DS Chef: ''Okay. Use a whisk to stir the batter-''

[More clattering is heard]

DS Chef: -Until smooth.

[More clanking. The 3DS dings again]

DS Chef: Okay-

[It cuts back to the desk]

Scott: Which is why I will give this infamous excuse for poor videogame performance towards my cooking ability - why did my meals turn out bad?

[He holds up his 3DS and points at it]

Scott: It was the CONTROLLER, not me!

[Wipes to blue. Breakout plays]

[End.]

Trivia

 * The episode was released to coincide with Thanksgiving.
 * The video was delayed by 9 minutes due to Wozniak attempting to pre-order a PlayStation 5 via Walmart.
 * Scott Wozniak saying that he's wearing a chef hat "like it's 2027" is presumably a reference to how Wozniak wears a chef's hat when time fast-forwards to 2027 in Super Mario Galaxy | Ten Years of Bliss.
 * This episode marks the first mention of the restaurant Stale Pretzels.
 * When Scott goes to grab Personal Trainer Cooking, he grabs Pac Pix by mistake.