Episode 194: Speed Dating

Speed Dating is the 44th episode of Scott The Woz Season 4 and overall the 194th episode, as well as the 8th special episode. The video was uploaded on December 21, 2020, by Scott Wozniak on Scott The Woz.

Description
Scott wants to be an uncle.

Characters

 * Scott Wozniak
 * 911 Operator
 * Rex Mohs
 * Terry Lesler
 * Jerry Attricks
 * Target Employee
 * Speed Dating Attendee

Credits

 * Scott Wozniak as Scott Wozniak
 * Girlfriend Reviews as 911 Operator
 * Eric Turney as Rex Mohs
 * Joe Robertson as Terry Lesler
 * Justin Womble as Jerry Attricks
 * Dominic Mattero as Target Employee
 * Malak Bazzi as Speed Dating Attendee

Plot
Scott figures out that in order to be an uncle he needs to not be a virgin. So he invites the boys over to speed date. After it is decided that speed dating will help Scott get laid, the gang helps him prepare. This mainly consists of them practicing on each other until the dates arrive. When an unnamed attendee arrives, everyone turns to her and yells “Not now” because they are not done practicing yet. The episode ends with Scott getting his virginity certificate.

Music

 * Me for You - George Callert
 * 'Er Indoors - Johnny Hawksworth
 * Bargains Galore - Dennis Berry
 * Hollywood Holiday - Frank Samuels
 * Cha Cha Nova - Gerhard Narholz
 * Breakout - 3D Dot Game Heroes

End Cards

 * Shovelware Variety Hour: Round Three
 * The Trial
 * Homecoming

Gallery
WIP

Transcript
Scott Wozniak: ''Hey all, Scott here! You know you’re happy when you have 200 NES games to cry to.''

[The camera zooms out to show that his desk is covered in NES game cartridges]

Scott: ''I don’t need companionship. I’ve been a human being for 21 years; why would a 23-year-old need another human in their life? It’s a one-man job being alive- I don’t need two. Of course, in terms of life goals, I’d love to be an uncle! Problem is - I’m an only child, so the only way I can do that is by marrying somebody with a nephew. ...That’s how they getcha. It’s not like I have trouble doing anything like that. I’m more of a recreational virgin anyways - I can get married whenever I want. Watch.''

[Scott picks up his telephone from the desk]

911 Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Scott: [desperately] PLEEEASE F*CK ME!

[It cuts to him no longer holding the phone and looking at the camera]

Scott: Okay, I’ll do something.

[The scene changes to Scott now seated on his couch]

Scott: Thank you all for comin’.

[ Rex Mohs, Terry Lesler, and Jerry Attricks are across the room from him. Rex is sitting on the TV stand, wearing a hospital gown. Terry is leaning on the TV and Jerry is sitting in an armchair]

Rex: When I heard you couldn’t get laid, I dropped everything and came straight here.

Scott: Well, I couldn’t imagine anybody else being a part of the “F*ck Scott” task force.

Terry: Yeah, I interpreted that in a different way.

Scott: So, is anybody else already fighting in the war against virginity?

Terry: I’m vegan; I’m good.

Jerry: No thanks, I’m stuffed.

Rex: I’m very anti-war.

Terry: Don’t you love virginity?

Rex: I like it, but I’m not a blind fanboy.

Scott: ''I just need help conquering virginity. I haven’t messaged any girls on Tinder, and I haven’t gotten any responses yet.''

Rex: ''You’re not getting any responses on Tinder? Have you tried telling ‘em how badly you wanna f*ck ‘em?''

Terry: Have you considered getting a job?

Jerry: Yeah, that’s a huge turn-on for the girls.

Scott: Aw, damn- I thought they liked eviction notices.

Terry: What we gotta do… is help you give up.

Rex: So, speed dating?

[The camera zooms out, showing Target Employee is sitting next to Rex]

Target Employee: Count me in!

Scott: Who the hell are you?!

Target Employee: ''Oh, you know my brother! He worked at Wendy’s.''

Scott: [quietly] Wendy’s…

[He counts on his fingers]

Scott: ''Oh, the Wendy’s employee! How’s he doin’?''

Target Employee: ''Oh, yeah, not too good. He’s been dead the past month.''

Rex: ''What the Hell? He didn’t tell us!''

Scott: Well, maybe we can speed-date in honor of him, really get the dead on our side.

Rex: Yeah, I’ll give him a call, see if he’s open to it.

[Rex takes out his cellphone and holds it up to the side of his head]

Terry: Yeah, we’ll hand out some coupons, get the whole town to speed-date.

Jerry: Yeah, I think my parents are free.

[It’s silent for a moment. Rex moves the cellphone away from his head.]

Rex: ...He’s not pickin’ up.

[It cuts to Rex and Jerry taping a sign to Scott’s wall above the table. The sign reads “SPEED DATING FOR THE CURE”. It cuts to a hallway, where Target Employee is brushing Scott’s hair]

Scott: ''Oh, God- speed-dating! I’m so nervous!''

[Jerry, Terry and Rex are standing in the entryway to the kitchen]

Rex: Remember, girls really like it when you tell ‘em how desperate and lonely you are.

Jerry: And you gotta get REALLY mad if they don’t wanna f*ck you.

Scott: So, is your brother happy we’re doing this?

[Target Employee briefly looks at his phone screen before looking back at Scott]

Target Employee: ''Nope. Still dead.''

Terry: How is this for charity again?

Scott: I don’t know, but it is a write-off.

Target Employee: So, are we ready to get started here?

Rex: Nobody’s shown up yet-

[Rex looks at his wrist as if he’s wearing a watch, although he actually isn’t]

Rex: -And it’s 6am in 5 minutes, so they better get here quick.

Scott: Oh, God- this isn’t good- What if people start showing up but they don’t like me?!

[Scott points at his forehead]

Scott: Maybe I should wear a hat just in case I start balding during the date...

Terry: Listen, before people start showing up, we should probably get ya some practice.

Scott: Like a driving range!

Jerry: ''Yeah. But without the flirting.''

Terry: First, empty your pockets.

Scott: Aw, man...

[Scott removes the WiiU boxes for Nintendo Land, Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed, Sing Party, and Skylanders Swap Force from his front and back pockets and tosses them onto the floor. It cuts to the table. Terry sits on the left side and Scott sits on the right]

Terry: ''Alright, let’s sit down. Anyone on my side’ll be a girl; anyone on this side’ll be—''

Scott: ''Will be horny. Got it.''

Terry: ''Okay, we have 1 minute per date. Let’s see whatcha got.''

[A beep is heard. A timer counting down from one minute is now shown in the bottom right corner of the screen]

Scott: Before you ask, why yes, I have killed a man.

Terry: Come on, that’s not in anymore.

Scott: I just wanna be interesting.

Terry: So, whaddya like to do?

[Scott thinks]

Scott: Tap water…?

Terry: Well, to show you a little about myself, here’s a picture of me and my mom.

[Terry hands a small photo to Scott]

Scott: Aw, which one’s you?

[The timer gets to 00:48. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Jerry is now sitting on the left side of the table]

Jerry: You got your dental records on you?

[Scott’s hands are slightly red. He searches himself. He pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Jerry]

Scott: Yeah.

[Jerry raises his eyebrows as he reads the paper]

Jerry: Impressive.

Scott: I don’t want somebody who only likes me for my teeth!

Jerry: ''Most dating is tooth-based these days. Just how it is.''

Scott: People are really shallow.

Jerry: ''Consider it a background check. For example, do you have a death certificate?''

[Scott searches himself. He doesn’t find anything and looks back to Jerry]

Scott: Sorry, not yet.

Jerry: ''Good! I’m not f*cking a ghost again!''

[The timer gets to 00:41. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Rex sits down on the left]

Rex: Alright, I got-

[He claps his hands together]

Rex: -seven words for ya: I will f*ck anything with a face.

[Scott looks to his left, to his right, and then back at Rex. He points at himself. His hands are slightly more red]

Scott: ...Me?

[Rex starts twitching]

Rex: ''UHH- I CAN’T KEEP THIS UP! ALRIGHT?! DON’T HAVE SEX! The world doesn’t need it!''

Scott: ''I HAVE to get laid! I think it’ll bump up my credit score.''

Rex: If you get laid, who else is not gonna get laid?!

Scott: ''...You! You hate sex!''

Rex: ''But I don’t wanna hate sex alone…! I need somebody who shares my interests.''

Scott: Sounds like you need to speed-date.

[Scott points at him. The timer gets to 00:37. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Scott sits down on the left side. He holds out his hand to shake. His hands are even more red]

Scott: Hi, John Female, woman on the prowl.

Rex: Rex Mohs, school dance historian and chaperone.

Scott: ''Wow, you chaperone school dances? That’s so cool! I wish somebody could chaperone the whole city!''

Rex: ''Damn! You hate sex too?! Wanna f*ck?''

[The timer gets to 00:48. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Terry is sitting on the right]

Terry: You ever f*ck a vegan?

Scott: Haha, I get that reference- I too use words.

Terry: So, whaddya like to do?

Scott: Speed-date.

[The timer gets to 00:55. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Jerry is now sitting on the right]

Jerry: ''Ah! You like sittin’ at tables too?''

Scott: It IS table season.

Jerry: ''The moment I saw you, I was like, “Wow. What I would give to see her at a table.”''

Scott: So all I am is a table user to you?

Jerry: With teeth!

[The timer gets to 00:51. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Scott is still sitting on the left]

Scott: ''So. I hear you have a dead brother.''

Target Employee: Is it really that noticeable?

Scott: ''Wow, you’re so dreamy. You have those “I have a dead brother” lips.''

Target Employee: It is dead brother season.

[The timer gets to 00:54. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Rex is sitting on the left side]

Rex: So… you single?

Terry: My girlfriend drove you here…?

[The timer gets to 00:57. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Jerry is now sitting on the left side]

Jerry: So that dead brother o’ yours… is he, uh, related to you?

Target Employee: ''Yup. Death does run in the family.''

[Two cans of Whole Baby Clams are now on the table in front of Jerry]

Jerry: ''Nope. Nuh-uh. I don’t mingle with people who associate with the dead.''

[He stands]

Jerry: Learn to be alive for once!

[He slaps the cans off the table. The timer gets to 00:51. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Terry is now sitting on the left side of the table]

Terry: Are you… bleeding?

[Scott’s hands are covered in fresh blood]

Scott: Yes, let’s discuss.

Terry: I don’t want any bleeders…

[He motions his hands]

Terry: Vegan.

[There is now a jar of yellow liquid on the table in front of Scott. He gestures at it]

Scott: ''Oh, great. What am I gonna do with all my blood?''

Terry: Why is the blood yellow?

Scott: Yeah, I’m colorblind.

[The timer gets to 00:51. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Jerry is now sitting on the right side]

Jerry: ''Hi. Jerry Attricks. Here’s my sexual history.''

[Jerry hands a sheet of paper to Rex.]

Rex: Would any of your past partners be okay with me calling them about your performance?

Jerry: ''I don’t see why not. I was always trustworthy, I never missed a day, and I came on time every morning.''

Rex: Wait a minute- this is your job résumé.

Jerry: ''No, it’s not! The last girl I was with was named Walgreens! Big deal!''

[The timer gets to 00:45. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Target Employee is sitting on the left side]

Target Employee: I don’t think this is helping my brother out at all.

Scott: Oh, come on, we’re doing this for you!

Target Employee: My brother.

Scott: Same thing.

[The timer gets to 00:56. The camera cuts. Another beep is heard as the timer resets. Jerry is on the right]

Terry: I gotta be honest with you- You don’t look like your pictures.

[Jerry’s right arm is now bandaged and bleeding]

Jerry: Sorry, I was shot on the way here.

[The timer gets to 00:57. The camera cuts and the timer disappears. Scott is sitting on the right side of the table]

Scott: I think this is gearing me up for real-life girls!

[Terry, Target Employee, Rex and Jerry are all on the left side of the table]

Terry: ''You’re learning from the best. We know what girls want.''

[Scott nods]

Scott: ...Air.

Jerry: Yeah, you’re nearing passable levels of speed dating.

Scott: Oh, what, I’m not good enough yet?

Jerry: Replace “not” with “really not” and you’ll be closer.

Terry: You did bleed all over me.

[The camera cuts to show a woman holding some paper walking up to the open front door]

Woman: Hey… is this the place?

[All the guys at the table turns around to face the door]

Everyone: NOT NOW!

[It cuts to Scott, back in front of his desk, holding a Certificate of Virginity]

Scott: [smiling] I’m now certified!

[Wipes to blue. Breakout plays]

[End.]

Trivia

 * The episode is one of the 8 special episodes of Scott The Woz.
 * With an exception of Breakout from 3D Dot Game Heroes, none of the music used in the video are from video games.
 * This episode marks the first appearance of Target Employee.
 * The episode is the shortest running episode of Scott The Woz Season Four, having a runtime of 5 minutes and 11 seconds.