Episode 219: Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers

Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers is the 24th episode of Scott The Woz Season 5 and overall the 219th episode. The video was uploaded on October 17, 2021, by Scott Wozniak on Scott The Woz.

Description
Scott's fine, he swears. Happy Sweetest Day!

Characters

 * Scott Wozniak

Credits

 * Scott Wozniak as Scott Wozniak

Plot
''Scott informs the viewer how to celebrate sweetest day as a virgin. He does this by playing Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers for the Wii. However, due to the game lacking enough content for a regular Scott The Woz episode he talks about other things, like Station Square from Sonic. He then goes to Bass Pro Shops and proceeds to buy a few things from there. At the end of the episode, he tells the viewer to focus on what they like, their hobbies and eventually they will find someone. Scott then says he will just stick to ignorance while holding the game.''

Music
WIP

End Cards

 * Classic NES Series for Game Boy Advance
 * Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball
 * We Dare (Wii)

Gallery
WIP

Transcript
Scott Wozniak: ''Hey all, Scott here! Happy Sweetest Day weekend!''

[He stands up and it cuts to him slapping the Wikipedia article for Sweetest Day to the wall. He stands next to it and addresses the camera]

Scott: Sweetest Day is a celebration of having a second day to rub into the face of virginity.

[It cuts back to Scott at his desk ]

Scott: ''Think of it as an Ohioan variation of Valentine's Day.. but in October. If you already thought October was scary, try mating.''

''Apparently it's only observed in the.. Great Lakes region. Well-''

[It cuts to outdoors, with a view of water and trees]

Scott: -Here I am in Lake Erie.

[Scott walks into frame from the right]

Scott: I count, bitch.

[It cuts back to the desk]

Scott: ''So let's celebrate a pointless retread of an already pointless holiday. If you need an analogy- it's like cleaning your bathtub.''

Well, for a holiday all about love and affection, I think I'll dabble in being lonely and horny.

Question: Have you ever been so horny that you bought a Wii game?

[It cuts to show two stacks of Wii games on the floor. It then cuts back to Scott. He looks at the camera and holds up a copy of Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers, pointing to it]

Scott: Onechanbara.

[It cuts to show Onechanbara on the floor]

Scott: DUDE!

[The camera pans right to a copy of Mad Dog McCree Gunslinger Pack]

Scott: THIS IS SO SEXY!

Scott: ''Onechanbara is a series of hack-and-slash games that prides itself on being 'one o' those' games. Listen, I don't just not understand it - I RESPECT it.''

''You know, I've heard about this series but not a ton and it's obvious why; it's pretty much been dormant in North America outside of just a few localizations. It started on the Playstation 2- the first game titled “SIMPLE2000 series Volume 61 the Oneechanbara.''

[It cuts to Scott at his desk, holding his laptop]

Scott: Why yes, I do know why it's called that - all true videogame fans know it and I do too- it's simple, understandable, it's practically OVERstandable-

[He hits a key on the keyboard]

Scott: -it was a series of budget games released by D3 Publisher in Japan.

''Now that first game DID make it to Europe under the title “Zombie Zone”. ...Where's my passport?''

[A map of the world is shown with two Zombie Hunters game boxes over Europe]

Scott: The series has had a more consistent track record getting released in Europe compared to here.

[It cuts back to the desk. A Europe flag is shown over where the Genesis usually is. Scott addresses it]

Scott: Anything you wanna say?

Scott: ''The first one WE got was on the Xbox 360, titled Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad - which got a sequel on Wii; Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers. ..They released the same day.''

[The text February 10, 2009 is shown at the bottom of the screen as he holds up both games]

Scott: You know, for its localization, they really changed things up and removed an E. “We gotta bring this over to America- what do we change about this image?"

[He flails his arms in front of his face]

Scott: Too many letters!

Scott: ''Both got pretty poor reviews- though, surprisingly, the Wii one did a bit better. I saw this on a few 'Worst of 2009' lists for the Wii specifically, which made it hard for my mom to buy me the game.''

[It cuts back to the desk]

Scott: ''I dunno... GameStop gave it a 3.''

Scott: But the series is still going strong with consistent enough worldwide releases like Onechanbara ZII Chaos on PS4 - y'know, for preordering the game, you could get the DLC costume Strawberry Banana Surprise.

[The promo-code paper is shown. It has the pre-order costume on the back, which is covered in censor bars]

Scott: Can I show this?

[He holds the Onechanbara ZII Chaos disk]

Scott: Well I can show the disk, dammit!

I've been on a roll playing some of the worst games of all time… I beat-

[Scott is shown at his desk. He is holding an Xbox 360 controller and has blood pouring from his eyes and down his face]

Scott: ''-Ride to Hell: Retribution. So what's Onechanbara for the Wii gonna do to me?''

[It cuts to him sitting in front of his desk with a Wii Remote and Nunchuk with an expression of anguish]

Scott: ...That.

''I wish there was an incognito mode. “Warning: This game contains scenes of explicit violence and gore.”''

[It returns to the desk]

Scott: But just the right amount of PU-

Scott: ''Well, here we are- we stay on the title screen long enough a video plays. ...We tolerated this quality in '09? You think this 120p video is enough to turn me on? Well, lucky you- I have a slow mentabolism- LET'S F*CKIN' DO THIS!''

''Look at all these settings! We can change the blood color - oh, this game is so SEXY!''

''We can choose between Aya and Saki. Let's pick her an'- JESUS CHRIST- the time starts before you even jump in!''

[It cuts back to the desk. Scott stands and runs]

Scott: Oh- f*ck- I gotta get started!

Scott: ''We get some background in the form of a credits scroll with a static image in the background.. but it does quite a lot to make me realise these ARE real beings.''

[It returns to the desk. Scott holds up the game box]

Scott: Like, think about this - these people have social security numbers.

Scott: They didn't spring on the English voice acting but that's okay; they made sure to make up for it with five minutes of mute credits scroll.

[It cuts back to the desk. There is a thermometer-like “HORN-O-METER” that is completely filled with red beside Scott. He looks at it before addressing the camera]

Scott: It'll take a LOT for that to go down.

Scott: ''On to the gameplay, in which we have to- waggle the Wii Remote and Nunchuk to attack-! Oh, NO!''

''To anybody that automatically dismisses all things motion control… you're a coward, alright?! Motion control is one of the biggest core innovations in video games within the past twenty years.''

[The video cuts to a side by side of Scott grinning painfully and waving his arm up and down with the Wii Remote and Onechanbara]

Scott: ''...The problem is, this is the main thing people think it's all about. Now, would it be better if attacks were handled by buttons-? Yes. BUT.. this works okay. It's fairly responsive and my arms didn't get tired like I thought they would.''

[It returns to the desk]

Scott: ''Wait, what the Hell?! I'm not horny, I'm just satisfied!''

Scott: ''That is until randomly.. I-I can't kill the enemies anymore; I dunno what's goin' on. Turns out, the more you kill, the more blood you have to wipe off your sword and if it gets to be too much, it wont work. In what world does the amount of blood on a blade affect its stabbing ability?''

[It cuts to Scott sitting at his desk. An arm comes in from the side and stabs him with a knife. He looks at his attacker with a grin]

Scott: Try again!

Scott: ''It's weird because you can always wipe the blood off your blade; it's easy to and it's quick- you can wipe it off when the blood level is full, so it's not like “Oh- you messed up! Game over!” If your sword is filled with blood it's just like.. just wipe it off, no big deal- so it's not annoying it's just moreso like.. why is this mechanic here?''

''So this first chapter takes me roughly 15 minutes to get through; chapter two… like a minute and a half or so. We go from a graveyard to some church-y vibes, a hospital, Station SQUARE?!''

[It cuts to the desk. Scott reels back in surprise]

Scott: DUDE!

[It cuts to him holding Sonic Adventure DX Director's Cut against the floor]

Scott: Sonic Adventure was the first 3D Sonic game because people can't count.

[Sonic 3D Blast, Sonic R and Sonic Jam appear on screen]

Scott: ''This is the GameCube version, Sonic Adventure DX: Director's Cut- which I always thought was a fun pun. You know, the.. Director..X..Cut? That was the only form of joy I got from this game for years.''

''Station Square is sort of our hub world and an excuse to stop playing Onechanbara. It's one of the few things it's really good at.''

[It returns to the desk]

Scott: Okay, fine - we'll go back to playing… diet sex.

Scott: ''My God- this game is FAR tamer than you'd imagine. The zombie slayers ARE in bikinis, so, congratulations - your title's a checklist.''

[Green ticks appear next to “Bikini”, “Zombie” and “Slayer” on the game's main menu]

Scott: The gameplay isn't anything special by any means; it's just a button-masher.

[Scott is shown waving his arm up and down with the Wii Remote again]

Scott: Or an elbow-f*cker.

''It's just a poor man's Bayonetta for when you wanna see half-naked women. Just get to the end of each stage, slaying all the zombies, and that's it. If you play as a different character, you get different scenarios… in the same environments we've already played in- BUT- I'll give them that; variety is the spice of life and so are ass cracks so this game has it all.''

''However, on the gameplay and horniness front? It falls a little flat- I can't lie to everybody-''

[The “HORN-O-METER” at the desk is shown to be empty. Scott looks at it before turning to look at the camera in despair]

Scott: -You've noticed.

''The gameplay is serviceable but repetitive and uninteresting - the horniness? My God, man-''

[Scott is shown taking a bite from a slice of bread at his desk]

-I've gotten more juiced-up eatin' bread.''

[He leans back and groans]

Scott: ...Which isn't much of an insult.

''But for a game like this, I'm expecting sheer absurdity, surprisingly good gameplay, both, or just a flat-out bad game. This gave me none of that.''

[It cuts back to the desk]

Scott: Which is why, concerning the holiday, I'm about to give ya five better games to replace the act of mating- first up at number five:

[He holds up a LEGO Dimensions Bart Simpson Fun Pack]

Scott: -Bart Simpson Fun Pack.

''Number four: Mario plus Rabbids Kingdom battle. F*ck you if you had sex instead o' playing that game.''

Number three: goin' ta Bass Pro Shop.

[He is shown now wearing a camo jacket]

Scott: Can you tell I'm single?

''Number two: Snoopy's Silly Sports Spectacular also known in Japan as Donald Duck. And finally, at number one…''

[He spins around on his chair to make a drumroll on his desk]

Scott: ''Rats! For GameBoy Color!''

[He holds up Onechanbara]

Scott: ''This game disappointed the Hell outta me - it wasn't surprisingly good, it wasn't memorably bad.. it wasn't even sexy enough. It just left me feeling empty on Sweetest Day- which- who could've expected that?! Uh, now what?''

[He looks off to the side, contemplating. After thinking for a short while, he turns to the camera]

Scott: Wanna go to Bass Pro Shop?

[The scene cuts to show footage of the inside of Bass Pro Shops]

Scott: ''THIS is Bass Pro Shop; your one-stop shop to making up for not giving a sh*t about Onechanbara. It's why they're still in business. You think it's all about fishing and hunting, but no- they sell all kinds of things here. Like magazines.''

[A “BUG-A-SALT” gun is shown on a shelf]

Scott: Bugs, salt and guns are my three favorite things; put 'em all together… it's all over.

''There's so much damn food here! Fish fryers, hot sauce, Bass Pro Shop soups..?! SOCKS?! The 'ULTIMATE wool socks', to be exact. Hell, even Moon Pies- I'm a country boy, dammit.''

''Look at the ambiance-! This puts me in the perfect mindset of “That's right- I DO wanna f*cking kill those things.”''

''The Cabela's action playset - if you wanna… use your imagination; pretend you're haulin' a boat. Anything's possible here but not everything's possible.''

[The scene cuts back to the desk. Scott holds up a Bass Pro Shops bag]

Scott: ''So here's my Bass Pro Shop haul.. Uh- first up I-''

[He pulls a pack of two bear spray cans out of the bag]

Scott: ''-bought bear spray- uh, helps get a bear away from ya. ..Or you could just shoot it.''

[He holds up a box of 'Cabela's Fruit Roll-up trays']

Scott: Fruit Roll-up trays; I-I love the candy.

[He is shown holding a bag of 'Cabela's Ground-Meat Bags']

Scott: Ground meat freezer bags.

[It cuts to him holding a sausage on a plastic fork and chewing. He thinks for a moment before putting the sausage back in the freezer bag. He then holds up a bear bell]

Scott: ''Uh- bear bell.. uh, “attach to belt or pack when hiking, camping or fishing in bear country”… I guess it makes it easier for a bear to find ya.''

[He holds up a box of 'Hot Sauce Challenge', 'Pleasure & Pain']

Scott: ''Hot sauce- 'Pleasure and Pain'. ...Onechanbara was a fluke- I had to make up for it somehow.''

[He holds a small tin and opens the lid]

Scott: Uncle Buck's shredded jerky chew…

[He licks the inside of the tin and pauses]

Scott: Wait- that is shoe shine, alright…

[He begins to stand up. It cuts to him holding a box of Moon Pies]

Scott: ''We can wash down accidentally consuming shoe shine with some Moon Pies. ...You know the old saying.''

[He holds out a 'Huk' cap whilst chewing on a bite of Moon Pie he is holding in his other hand]

Scott: ''Pop on a Huk hat. ...I think they forgot a Y.''

[He points with a finger between the H and U. It then cuts to him wearing the Huk hat, which now has a piece of paper saying “H'YUK” stuck over it. He holds up a package of spray raccoon urine]

Scott: ''And finally show off my synthetic raccoon urine. ..Course, you may say-''

[He throws the Moon Pie he was holding off to the side]

Scott: ''-”Jesus, Scott, really? Synthetic raccoon piss?” And to that I say, don't worry… the fox one is real.''

[He holds up a package of spray red fox urine]

Scott: ''WELL! That's how I spent my Sweetest Day. Maybe next Valentine's Day we can play something a little more lewd- but in the meantime..! Hope I showed you that.. it's okay to be alone in times like this. Just focus on yourself and.. your hobbies - and eventually, you'll find your right person and it'll all make sense.''

...Not me, though - I'll stick to ignorance!

[He holds up the package of fox urine and his copy of Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers with a grin. It wipes to blue. Breakout plays]

[End.]

Trivia
WIP