Episode 169: Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash - The Darker Age of Nintendo

Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash | The Darker Age of Nintendo is the 19th episode of Scott The Woz Season 4 and overall the 169th episode, as well as the 2nd episode of The Dark Age of Nintendo. The video was uploaded on June 1, 2020, by Scott Wozniak on Scott The Woz.

Description
Scott still hates himself.

Characters

 * Jerry Attricks
 * Scott Wozniak
 * Rex Mohs
 * Jeb Jab

Credits

 * Justin Womble as Jerry Attricks
 * Scott Wozniak as Scott Wozniak
 * Eric Turney as Rex Mohs
 * Sam Essig as Jeb Jab
 * Original music by Nicholas Karr

Plot
WIP

Music

 * Sweet and Lovely - Alan Braden
 * Title Screen - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Singles 1 - Mario's Tennis
 * Main Menu - Mario Tennis
 * Mario Stadium - Mario Sports Mix
 * Main Menu - Mario Golf: World Tour
 * Records Room - Mario Tennis Open
 * Main Menu - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Menu - amiibo Tap: Nintendo's Greatest Bits
 * Match Point - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Main Theme - Mario Party 10
 * Rewards - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Results (Win) - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Mega Battle - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Me for You - George Callert
 * Classic Tennis - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Mega Ball Rally - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Knockout Challenge - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Online Match - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Online Menu - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Break Point - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Game Point - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Credits - Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
 * Dramatic Cue (d) - Ronald Hammer
 * Scott the Woz | Mario Tennis Cliffhanger Ending - Nicholas Karr

Cards

 * Animal Crossing: amiibo Festival | The Dark Age of Nintendo

End Cards

 * Game Compilations Compilation Vol. 2
 * Wii Play Motion | Eh, Why?
 * Animal Crossing: amiibo Festival | The Dark Age of Nintendo

Gallery
WIP

Transcript
[The video opens with a therapist in front of a mirror. The mirror has photos depicting therapy sessions on it. The therapist sighs and begins talking to his reflection]

Therapist: ''You’re a therapy machine. You’re gonna therapize good tonight. You’re gonna be the best therapist a therapist will ever ask for. You’re gonna do great.''

[He is shown opening a door. The door has a picture of a woman with a clipboard in an armchair with the text “Therapists” and the writing “Keep it up! -The Therapist” on it. When the door opens, Scott Wozniak is there, grinning and holding the box for Mario Tennis Ultra Smash]

Scott: So I was thinking-

[The therapist reels back in surprise. Scott continues talking over the therapist]

Therapist: WHAT THE F*CK?!

Scott: -We could tackle Ultra Smash next.

Therapist: WHAT THE F*CK?!

Scott: -This game left me-

Therapist: WH-WHO GAVE YOU MY ADDRESS?!

Scott: -traumatized and not just in a funny way,

Therapist: WHY ARE YOU HERE?!

Scott: -moreso just-

Therapist: WHAT THE F*CK.

Scott: ''Waitwaitwait- let’s go one at a time. You first.''

Therapist: What the f*ck are you doing here at my house?!

Scott: ''Okay, fair question. Now it’s my turn; I was hoping we could bang out some more therapy - you are a therapist, I’m… traumatized! It all works out!''

Therapist: I can’t give you therapy right now, it’s day time- I’m a night therapist!

Scott: Don’t my credits transfer over?

Therapist: Listen, I didn’t become a therapist to hear you vent about ‘Amigo Festival’.

Scott: amiibo Festival.

Therapist: I’m not registered to give advice about that.

Scott: Well, then, are you a registered therapist at all?

[The therapist stares at Scott with a deadpan expression. It then cuts to him sitting down in his armchair]

Therapist: ''So. Tell me about that dumb f*cking tennis game that hurt your feelings.''

[Scott is sitting on the couch]

Scott: ''...I dunno. I feel like you’re only talking to me now so then I don’t tell anybody you’re not registered to be a therapist. I feel like I almost have to pay you to listen to me.''

[The therapist stares at Scott]

Therapist: ...So it’s therapy?

Scott: Yeah, it’s pretty much therapy.

[He lies down on the couch]

Scott: After Animal Crossing amiibo Festival, I decided it was time to move on to smaller and worse things… I was at my desk again…

[It briefly cuts to Scott at his desk]

Scott: Hey all, Scott here.

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Therapist: YES!

Scott: What?

Therapist: ''Oh- before every therapy session I make predictions. I nailed that one. I’m really good at reading people. Just like- you’re not pregnant.''

Scott: How did you know?

Therapist: ''Oh, I just kinda get this stuff. They called me the human pregnancy test in high school.''

[It cuts back to Scott at his desk]

Scott: ''Well, I’m still in a quest to play through three of Nintendo’s worst games of all time. I… just finished up Animal Crossing amiibo Festival and my eyes can no longer feel joy so let’s check more body parts off the list with-''

[He holds up Mario Tennis Ultra Smash]

Scott: [pained] -Mario Tennis Ultra Smash.

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Therapist: ''Okay, so what was this game’s deal? Was it good?''

Scott: What do you think?

Therapist: ''Based on the information, it’s hard to tell. What is an ‘Ultra Smash’? Is it a move in the game? Is it the game itself? Or is it just two words that have no business being together at all?''

Scott: ...Yes.

Scott: Mario Tennis - one of the greatest series of games Nintendo’s ever produced.

Scott: [shrugging] Somebody’s probably said that before.

[A triangular diagram on a whiteboard is shown. The very top of the triangle is labelled “A HUMBLE START” and the rest is labelled “EVERY-THING”. Scott accentuates his speech by pointing with a ruler]

Scott: ''’The Mario Pyramid’ showcases the series’ growth from simple beginnings to f*cking everything. The character of Mario is so understandable to the masses. You look at him and go “Yeah, I’m comfortable.” Everybody’s played a Mario game and know they’re all about running and jumping and ending the sentence there. They’re games people who don’t enjoy games can at least get… and with Mario being such a basic mascot character, you can throw him into all kinds of settings and it would still make sense.''

[Dr. Mario is shown]

Scott: Does he have a PHD?

Scott: No doubt!

[Yoshi’s Cookie is shown]

Scott: Can he be a chef?

Scott: Y-yeah.

[Yoshi’s Safari is shown]

Scott: Has he renewed his hunting license?

Scott: Hopefully.

Scott: ''He’s a jack-of-all-trades! And Nintendo usually puts him into so many different genres because he’s such a good gateway character. If you weren’t necessarily interested in a turn-based strategy game… they put Mario into it, it automatically feels a bit safer to try. It won’t bite. When I see Mario on a cover to a game… I think simple, wacky, but well thought-out fun and that’s no more obvious… than with the Mario sports games.''

''Ever since the NES, Nintendo’s been cramming Mario into sports titles - starting with GOLF. That’s our Mario! He looks more like an ‘Uncle Tony’ than a Super Mario but apparently… that’s him! As time went on, Mario started appearing in more of these games, whether they were starring roles or just cameos, but when Super Mario Kart released… I’m sure Nintendo realized the Mario branding was too lucrative to limit him to just a simple cameo in these games - you gotta theme the entire thing around him! So, in 1995, the first Mario sports game completely based on and named after the brand was released; Mario’s Tennis on the Virtual Boy. ...It’s HIS tennis. Released as a pack-in for the system, it was a Mario-themed tennis game. ...Am I allowed to be disappointed? With a title like this, I’m not sure what I was expecting, but… probably a little bit more. It was basic tennis and it does that well enough but when you put Mario in the name… I’m expecting something more wacky, or more cartoony, or more… fun? Well, Scott, do I have a surprise for me!''

''1999 rolls around and the Mario Golf series is formally introduced on Nintendo 64 and GameBoy Color with Mario Tennis getting a shot at redemption on the exact same systems one year later. The Nintendo 64 Mario sports titles were fun and simple sports games you could crack out at a party and have a blast with. You could enjoy them as just sports titles but they added the charm of the Mario world, characters, stages, items. These were games that brought together sports and Mario fans or even attracted those who weren’t necessarily into either one. There are a ton of people who don’t care for sports but LOVE a good Mario sports game. The GameBoy Color versions were vastly different and were moreso RPGs - you control characters who were, dear God, anything but Mario, and try to become the golf or tennis masters. You could even connect the handheld games to the N64 ones to unlock things… They had some cool ideas back then before the idea of a Mario sports game became so concrete.''

''Now, when Nintendo moved on to their NEXT console, the GameCube, Mario sports truly hit the next level. Mario Golf Toadstool Tour and Mario Power Tennis - these were amazing upgrades; better in pretty much every way to their predecessors. While Mario Tennis was still quite a fun time on N64, Power Tennis added so much in terms of characters, different courts with all kinds of Mario-themed gimmicks, special modes… it was incredible! Companion titles for the GameBoy Advance released that continued the RPG lineage of the GameBoy Color games and back on the GameCube we got two new sports series as well… baseball and soccer. Yeah, Mario sports titles were some of the go-to multiplayer party games… they were incredibly popular so when the NEXT system rolled around…''

[It cuts to the therapy session. The therapist jumps up in excitement]

Therapist: ''OH! They really just sort of disappeared for a while!''

Scott: You really are the human pregnancy test.

Scott: ''The Wii and Nintendo DS… you see, these systems were tailor-made for sports games; the Wii had a sports game bundled in with it, they both had control schemes that screamed ‘put a Mario sports games on me’, and what did Nintendo do? They got SquareEnix to make a basketball game for the DS,''

Scott: [shrugging] Why wouldn’t they?

Scott: ''Made sequels to Baseball and Strikers on the Wii, Mario Power Tennis got rereleased in widescreen with motion controls and nothing else… and Mario Sports Mix. Yay. So… why did Mario Golf skip this console? Why did they just port over an old Mario Tennis? Why did the DS get only one sports game? The lack of titles on the Wii may be because many consumers already had Wii Sports and… most of the sports included in the package have been Mario sports games in the past. To be fair, I wanted Mario Super Sluggers when it came out but I initially passed on it because I went “Well, I have baseball in Wii Sports- what’s the point?” Maybe Nintendo thought consumers wouldn’t care for a new Mario Golf or Mario Tennis if they already had free alternatives that came with the console? ...But, see- that’s dumb logic; sports game sold like crazy on this system. If anything, people loved Wii bowling and golf so much they’d immediately buy garbage bowling and golf games just because they wanted more of it.''

''Now, why the DS had barely any sports games - I don’t know., But, I mean, it had Pac-Pix, don’t be greedy. Maybe Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games had something to do with it? “Oh, we don’t need to make new Mario sports games, Mario & Sonic will do the trick!” But those were just sports minigame collections… they had charm, no doubt, but a collection of dozens of sports isn’t going to have the same amount of quality as a game that focused so many on one sport. Yeah, I’d say Mario Sports Mix is where the decline truly started to happen. It’s not a bad game, but with it being four sports in one, with each not feeling nearly as in-depth as they should be… it just doesn't have the same quality as something like Power Tennis or Toadstool Tour or Strikers or Super Sluggers.''

After Sports Mix, we got Mario Tennis Open on the Nintendo 3DS.

Scott: ...We did?

Scott: ''Yeah, this is an often forgotten one… it’s not bad- I mean, it was Mario Tennis, for Christ’s sake, how could it be? It was just lacking in overall personality in ways to spice up the series. It just kinda felt like tennis with Mario flair and not much more. Or, at least that’s what most reviewers said. It’s an alright game, I’d take this in comparison to a lobotomy most days.''

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: Something better than a lobotomy?

Scott: Most days!

Scott: ''It’s just not too enthralling… Now, if we take a look at Mario Power Tennis- SO much character is injected into this one. Look at all the courts! All the gimmicks, all the cutscenes, all the LOVE! All of this was something that was slowly but surely disappearing from the sports games… and instead of feeling like the developers were trying to make the most out of what a Mario sports game could be, by throwing in as many references and character as possible… it felt like they were just doing this for a paycheck. This was also the first Mario Tennis game on a handheld that didn’t go for an RPG style… that’s fine, I mean, those were cool games, but I understand when you hear ‘Mario Tennis’, you probably think about the Nintendo 64 and GameCube versions first. But it just kinda shows that instead of doing something different or interesting… they’d rather just do exactly what you’d expect from a game called ‘Mario Tennis’.''

''Thankfully, Mario Golf World Tour released for the 3DS two years later and THIS… was a great time! So many different courses and modes, the gameplay mechanics were fun and understandable but had depth. I think the problem with Mario Tennis Open was that it was simplifying an already simple game… they took out the special character moves you could pull off from Power Tennis and instead had these ‘Chance Shots’ on the ground. They were just glowing spots where if you performed the shot the game tells you to pull off while standing near it, It’ll pull off a more powerful hit. But in the end… that just means the game is all about following the glowy spot and doing the move it tells you to do. The Power Shots had so much character and were tons of fun to watch and pull off- and for them to be gutted like this… it makes Mario Tennis less of a Mario and… WAY more about tennis.''

''See, out of all the four major sports series, Tennis is definitely my least favorite. Not because it’s bad but it’s just the most basic playing sport after being turned into a video game. Go over here, hit the ball, go over here, hit the ball, go over here, hit the ball… At least Mario Tennis on the Nintendo 64 and Power Tennis on the GameCube didn’t try to simplify the game. If you wanted simple tennis, there were more than enough tennis games out there for ya. Mario Tennis was for people who wanted a wackier take on the sport… but there was still depth here; you needed to be skillful to beat your opponent. Open’s Chance Shots just made the game mindless. You didn’t outsmart the other player by going over to the glowing spot- Don’t lie, if you were f*cking Luigi playing tennis and the ground started glowing, you’d go over to it, but you wouldn’t feel accomplished- you just followed the GLOW!''

Scott: ''Okay, so, after the GameCube, Mario Sports titles’ quality was definitely declining… sure there wasn’t really a terrible one at this point, but… they were a lot more hit or miss than they used to be. Camelot Software Planning were the developers of both the Mario Golf and Mario Tennis series ever since the Nintendo 64 and GameBoy Color. They made every game in both franchises since that point - whether they were the multiplayer party games on console, or the RPGs on the handhelds… and they truly had a lot of talent; just looking at their games on the GameCube - they were obviously very proud of those games with amazing opening cutscenes that were moreso five minute long comedy shorts, they had great rosters of characters, fantastic modes and they’re still fun today. But, by the year 2015 when Mario sports games were sort of in the gutter, what did they do?''

[Scott holds Mario Tennis Ultra Smash and stares at it for a second]

Scott: Well, they were ones to go against the grain.

Scott: ''Mario Tennis Ultra Smash was the first time I’ve ever used the term ‘Mario Tennis Ultra Smash is bad.’ As you can see, the lineage of Mario sports titles up until this point somewhat started to degrade in quality… so, when E3 2015 rolled around… I think we were all hoping for a new Mario sports game that was a return to form. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Mario Strikers or Mario Baseball - those would be fun to see again- oh! Or a Mario Golf on a home console… we haven’t gotten one of those since the GameCube- or, hey! Maybe a new Mario sport like football or horseback riding! During Nintendo’s E3 2015 Digital Event, after revealing Animal Crossing amiibo Festival- as you would if you wanted to watch the world burn, Nintendo showcased a few more trailers, revealing Mario & Luigi Paper Jam and immediately afterwards with… NO hesitation, NO time to breathe… they just started a trailer for a new Mario Tennis game! Hell, yes, I am completely INDIFFERENT to Mario Tennis!''

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Therapist: So this is just Alfredo Party?

Scott: Amiibo Festival.

Therapist: This already wasn’t a series you liked.

Scott: ''That’s right! It was a series I tolerated.''

Therapist: ''So what does it matter to you if this game got announced or turned out to be bad? Even if it was the greatest tennis game of all time, you still probably wouldn’t care about it.''

Scott: ''That’s not true! I wouldn’t probably not care about it, I just wouldn’t care about it!''

Scott: ''Why does Nintendo love Mario Tennis so much? Sure, the Wii didn’t get it’s own game, but it at least got a rerelease of the GameCube one… then we got Open on the 3DS, Ultra Smash on WiiU then tennis was included as one of the five sports in Mario Sports Superstars on 3DS in 2017- including horseback riding, thank f*ck. And then, with no hesitation, a NEW Mario Tennis game after that! Like… guys! I know the series has the fabled fan who thinks Mario Tennis is the greatest series Nintendo’s ever made out there somewhere,''

Scott: Oh- we’ll find them.

Scott: ''But in my opinion, it’s the least interesting sport of the bunch. And even if it WAS the most interesting… why not give the other sports more attention? It just boggles my mind. Well, this new Mario Tennis game was revealed and… it looked fantastic. Look at the character models! The lighting, the colors- it all looked GORGEOUS! It was like they took the graphics of Mario Kart 8 and made a tennis game out of them- why would you do that? I dunno! But look at the grass! It looked great. ...Visually. Gameplay-wise? Yep… that sure is a Mario Tennis. There was this Mega Mushroom power-up showcased where characters would grow- get this- big. Giants playing tennis… that’s interesting, I guess - what else this game have? ...A title. What kinda subtitle is ‘Ultra Smash’? What does that mean? It just feels like they went to an auto-title generator and it came up with this. But, whatever, okay - it’s releasing holiday of 2015- they obviously wanna save a bunch of stuff about this game to reveal later. This obviously isn't the entire game.''

[It cuts to Scott at his desk, staring and smiling painfully at the camera. He begins to twitch]

Scott: ''The game was playable on the E3 showfloor and… my GOD that is old artwork of Peach. Looking at the gameplay… it was just tennis.''

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: ''Yeah - It’s a tennis game. What were you expecting?''

Scott: [sadly] You don’t understand…

Scott: It was JUST tennis.

[The therapist stares at Scott]

Therapist: Oh my God.

Scott: ''It looked like a very barren HD version of Mario Tennis Open; Chance Shots and all. Temporary box art for the game was revealed and… I still have nightmares about this. I know this was just to give retailers something to put up on their Mario Tennis Ultra Smash product pages until the true box art was finished, but back in 2015, I was a bit concerned this was actually going to be the final box art. I was more concerned about THAT than if the game was gonna be good. That was about it for Ultra Smash until OCTOBER 2015… we got a trailer labelled “Look Who’s on the Court”! That could mean ANYTHING! It was less than a minute long and announced characters that were pretty much always playable in Mario Tennis games; Boo, Daisy, Waluigi. I think the most concerning thing about this trailer was after four months of nothing on this game… this was all they had to show us. ...And it was releasing in a month. We also didn’t see any new courts… it was just the same basic one from E3 but the material of the court could be changed. ...Huh. Well, two days later, ANOTHER trailer was released! The ‘Love-All’ trailer. This one introducing the tagline of… “Play Tennis”... “With”... “Super Mario Powers”.''

Scott: They had me at this game having a tagline.”

Scott: ''So this was an overview trailer showing off all the modes. ...Hopefully this isn’t all the modes. Well- There’s tennis, big tennis, online tennis, boring tennis- because this trailer fully confirmed - there are no unique courts in the game. It’s… just the same stadium… with different textures on the floor.''

Scott: ''Yikes. Well at least at this point the game got actual box art and the release date was November 20th! One week after Animal Crossing amiibo Festival- I f*cking hate calendars.''

Scott: ''A couple of hidden characters were revealed, previews started to come out… I was holding out hope this game was hiding… something. Even when the Nintendo Direct in Novemeber 2015 came out and Mario Tennis Ultra Smash was highlighted, this was a week before it was releasing and I was still praying this wasn’t all the game was. This looked… EXACTLY like it did back at E3 - back when it had a REASON to be barebones- it was a demo and the first time we saw the game! Didn’t even leave the unlockable characters locked when showcasing the thing- they had… NO shame with showing everything this game was and most importantly, what it wasn’t.''

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: ''So November 20th rolls around and you bought the game? YOU BOUGHT THE GAME?!''

Scott: Actually, no. Not at all.

Therapist: You’re making great progress!

Scott: This was five years ago.

Scott: ''2015, I started a bit of a tradition. If a Nintendo-published WiiU game released… I would buy it. I think I did this out of love for the company and a desire to support them during this era? But, see, after Animal Crossing amiibo Festival released just one week earlier, seeing how absolutely BARREN Ultra Smash was and evaluating its price tag of FIFTY US dollars, I picked it up, about to buy it, and said… “No. I’m not supporting this.” I could at least understand amiibo Festival’s sixty dollar price tag… it came with amiibo figures and cards, it wasn’t worth much at all but the price tag was a bit more justified. Ultra Smash wasn’t a full sixty dollars but that doesn’t mean it’s worth fifty. I held back on this game for a while… I didn’t want to support Nintendo rushing out games that were overpriced and lacking in content just to fill their holiday line-up.''

Scott: ''So I told that video game company - they aint seeing a dime from me! They may be a multi-billion-dollar Japanese corporation, but let that be a lesson to them… I aint giving them any of my business when it comes to $50 tennis games… Now, when I see it on sale for $25 two years later, then I’ll bite.''

Scott: ''Look at this box art… I’ll give the game this- ...it looks good. The layout’s nice, Luigi. “Unleash your jump shots to take the advantage!” Hah- the marketing people were trying with this game. This blurb is like if a dictionary had “Harness the power of words!” on the back. Yeah, it’s always a good sign when the age rating doesn’t have anything to say about the game. No ‘comic mischief, ‘cartoon violence’ or ‘sexual content’ like Mario Power Tennis. The fact amiibo Festival is racier than Ultra Smash- I don’t know what to make of that. The disk!- Yeah… they just… plastered random characters all around it and called it a day.''

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: Oh no. No, not the disk art!

Scott: That was the one thing I thought they couldn’t ruin!

Therapist: ''AND THEY F*CKED IT! NINTENDO F*CKED IT, just like they F*CKED ARBONZO FRIENDS!''

Scott: Amiibo Festival.

Therapist: I don’t caaaaare!

[It cuts back to Scott at his desk. He is holding Ultra Smash]

Scott: ''Well. ...This is it. A game I refused to buy and play because of the principle of it all… You know, if I really wanted to be a hypocrite I could just enjoy an RPG but… that’s not gonna happen.''

[Mario Tennis Ultra Smash boots up. The Mario Tennis Ultra Smash logo is shown]

Scott: ''This is Mario Tennis Ultra Smash. Could you tell?''

[The title screen appears. Scott pauses]

Scott: ''Remember Mario Tennis on the Nintendo 64? It had that cute little opening cutscene. Remember Mario Tennis on the GameBoy Color? It had a fun little cinematic. Remember Mario Power Tennis on the GameCube? It had an Oscar-worthy opening short film. Remember Mario Tennis Power Tour on the GameBoy Advance? It had an intense little opening for a handheld game. Remember Mario Tennis Open for the Nintendo 3DS? It had a lame opening but an opening regardless. Remember Mario Tennis Ultra Smash? ...It had nothing. So we enter into the main menu… it’s honestly pretty bland but… pretty slick. I like how when you hover over an option, a video plays in the box… it’s simple, but it’s decently attractive. It feels like a huge display at a sports game. Now, is there another page of options? Are there modes I can unlock? Is there more to this?''

Scott: What have I been bitching about the past 17 minutes?

Scott: ''This is all Mario Tennis Ultra Smash has to offer - five modes. That’s not an immediate problem- the lack of modes doesn’t automatically mean a lack of quality. Maybe these are very in-depth modes with a ton of variety and replay value? What if they made the most out of the limited options and made something truly special? What if they did that? Do you think they did that?''

Scott: What have I been bitching about the past 18 minutes?

Scott: ''Alright, so let’s start off with the first option available; Mega Battle. So we choose between whether we wanna play singles or doubles… nice options, I’d be concerned if a tennis game didn’t have them. And alright! Nice character select screen. ALL of this is old art! Every single one of these character profiles are YEARS OLD! Some of them over 10 years old from this game’s release! And I have NO idea why they had to rip art from ass-old games! Just looking at the disk art, they created new renders of tons of these characters SPECIFICALLY for Ultra Smash! Why did they feel the need to reuse old renders? Even when characters like Peach, Daisy and Rosalina aren’t in their tennis outfits in the renders when they are in the game! Oh my God, look - we have four unlockable characters grayed out! Who could they be?''

[Four easily identifiable silhouettes are shown on the character select screen]

Scott: ''Listen, I know that silhouette anywhere. I can’t believe they added Grover Cleveland.''

[An image of Grover Cleveland appears within the silhouette for Toadette]

Scott: Next we get to pick the kind of court.

[There are only three options to choose from; Hard Court, Clay Court and Grass Court. He pauses]

Scott: ''...Hm. Y’know, these three words are all so nice, but I think Hard’s the way to go. Then we get to pick which type of control and camera set up we want. Do we want the score on the Gamepad? Do we want the game copied to the Gamepad? Maybe even reverse view or-or dynamic?!''

Scott: Mario Tennis Ultra Smash is overwhelming me…!

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Scott: Yeah, I was starting to get a little sarcastic.

Therapist: ...But there was a reverse view.

Scott: ''I just go with ‘copy’ and here’s a loading screen. ...Uh… oh, it’s not loading. We could’ve just hit A this entire time. Look how quickly the A button appears, here. Like, it- it doesn’t even load anything. You’d think this was a loading screen but all this basically is, is just a tip and trick you’re forced to skip… is there any point to this screen? And… here’s the game!''

[Gameplay is shown. He pauses]

Scott: Surprised?

Scott: Yeah… I just realized… this is a tennis game.

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: You JUST realized?

Scott: This was my first time playing.

[It cuts to him at his desk, holding the WiiU gamepad]

Scott: ''It’s meant to be played with multiple people… I… think that calls for more people to play with! I… just have to try to sweeten the deal to try and get them over here.''

[It cuts to him holding his phone to his ear]

Scott: I am forwarding this message to everybody in my contacts list - if you come over tonight I will inform you how-

[He thinks for a moment]

Scott: ...Your uncle just died.

[The doorbell rings. It cuts to him opening the door. Rex Mohs is there, leaning over and panting]

Scott: Did not take you as somebody who had an uncle.

Rex: ''I don’t. I just couldn’t believe my uncle died… again.''

Scott: What if I told you your uncle didn’t die and you can celebrate by playing tennis?

Rex: If there’s one thing I hated more than my uncle, it’s tennis.

Scott: What’s wrong with tennis?

Rex: ''I dunno. I- I just never thought I was big enough to play. Like, if I can grow comically big while playing tennis, I’d give it a chance.''

Scott: Well, do I have an Ultra Smash for you!

Rex: ''Eh. As long as it’s not Gex - I’m in.''

[ Jeb Jab suddenly appears from around the doorframe, looking excited. Rex looks surprised]

Jeb: ''Oh, is it Gex night?! I love Gex night!''

Scott: ...Didn’t you get my message about your uncle dying?

Jeb: [laughing] He died for the third time?!

[Scott stares at him]

Scott: ...Yeah, let’s fire up Gex.

[It cuts to Mario Tennis Ultra Smash gameplay on the TV. A piece of paper with the word “GEX” written on it is stuck to the screen. The three are shown sitting on the couch. Scott is smiling at the gamepad in his hands. Rex is messing with a Blathers amiibo figure and Jeb is grinning at his K.K. Slider amiibo figure]

Jeb: ''F*cking lizard Gex. Oh my God- oh. If you were a Gex fan, you’d get that.''

Scott: ''Mega Battle - we just play tennis and a Toad will randomly throw a Mega Mushroom onto the court. Touch it and…''

[A cutscene of Toad becoming a giant from the power-up is shown]

Scott: ''That’s a fun cutscene. I hope they play it every time somebody touches the Mega Mushroom- OH, JOY! So this is a mode where you have one power-up thrown onto the court and you can grow big. Of course, your shots are more powerful now, which makes it incredibly unfair when you’re up against somebody without a Mega Mushroom. But then when you get a Mega Mushroom when the other person has a Mega Mushroom then this is basically the same as a regular match. When it’s just two giants going up against each other, y-you don’t really feel the power of being a giant - you both are at equal power levels. It’s not interesting. With Mega Battle, the same thing always happens; you play normal tennis and then a Toad throws a Mega Mushroom onto one of your sides. If you had to fight for the Mega Mushroom, that would be one thing but no, they just throw it on whoever’s side they feel like that day. And it’s pretty much never out of your way to grab it. You get it, the exact same cutscene plays every time and pauses the action. If there were like a couple o’ different animations per character… I still wouldn’t like the fact the cutscene interrupts everything but at least it would be more understandable. No- each character only has one Mega Mushroom cutscene and it plays every time. You can’t disable it, you can’t skip it, you have to watch it and then you’re big- good for you.''

''Now your shots are more powerful and it’s easier for you to hit the ball back because you’re so much bigger - obviously, why wouldn’t you go for the Mega Mushroom? I get that sometimes the Mushroom may be out of the way for you to grab it if the ball is heading in the opposite direction but this thing stays on the court for so LONG! There is not a ton of urgency to grab it immediately. So, basically, when somebody gets big, it’s now completely unfair, the other person is incredibly tiny but then Toad will throw THEM a Mega Mushroom and then THEY grow big, cutscene and all. So now you have TWO people who are just large for no reason- what’s the point if everybody has a power-up? It’s not a power-up at that point. Eventually, your power-up will run out, so now we’re back to somebody having an unfair advantage until their power-up runs out and then YOU get a Mega Mushroom thrown at you again and the cycle repeats.''

''The Toads almost always throw you the Mega Mushroom in the exact same pattern every time. You get it, then your opponent gets it about thirty seconds later, yours runs out and your opponent still has it for a bit until their’s runs out then you get a Mega Mushroom again- It constantly repeats. Now, if your opponent hits your body with the ball, then you lose your power-up. You’re telling me they had nothin’ for this rating? But- yep- that’s Mega Battle! It’s just regular tennis with a power-up that honestly adds absolutely nothing but a dumb selling point to the box. It’s just so worthless! Like, the Toad just throws you a Mega Mushroom and… and that’s it! If you had a meter where you had to keep a rally going… or you had to pull off some skillful shot or something… and it fills up and THEN you get a Mega Mushroom… then that would be one thing. Or, if it was just pure chaos and Toad would throw Mega Mushrooms randomly like every two seconds and it wasn’t balanced in the slightest… I mean, this already isn’t balanced well, but if it was more random I could at least appreciate it in a bullsh*t insane way. But no! It’s just the same thing over and over again! All you do is grow big and you quickly realize it’s just a part of this pattern of growing big, opponent grows big, you go back to normal, they go back to normal and it just repeats. Growing large isn't interesting because it’s basically an automatic win button - if you’re large and your opponent’s not… you are going to beat them. Outside of growing large, the game is uh… it’s… it’s just… TENNIS!''

[It shows the couch. Jeb and Scott are playing the game, Jeb using a controller and Scott using the Gamepad. Rex is sat cross-legged on the couch]

Rex: ARGGGGHH-!

Scott: ''You just use different buttons for different types of shots but honestly, just hitting whatever button you want does the trick. Sure, performing different shots at the right moments is what skillful players do.''

[It shows Jeb, Scott and Rex staring at the camera]

Scott: Which is why we don’t.

Scott: ''If you see the glowing Chance Shot spots returning from Mario Tennis Open, just go right over to it and perform the button action it tells you to perform. Basically, you either mash a random button when the ball gets over to you or you just waddle over to the glowy points and hit the button the game tells you to hit. I mean, now and then you do these jump shots if the ball’s over your head, you hit A, B or Y twice. Every now and then, if the other player messes up their shot, you’ll get a different glow spot and it’ll let you do an ‘Ultra Smash’ which is just a very powerful jump shot that immediately means you won. But it’s not like a crazy amazing looking thing - it’s just… bam, wow- an Ultra Smash - you should name a game after that. Eh- It controls well enough; there’s nothing inherently wrong with the game at its core but it’s just… it’s just not fun. It’s just boring - the gameplay loop isn’t enjoyable, the things it adds to the Mario Tennis series are jump shots and Mega Battle. ...Has God seen this?''

''But it’s okay - we have four other modes to try out, here! Next up is Mega Ball Rally. You have to try to maintain a rally for as long as humanly possible- see, the ‘Mega’ comes from how big the ball is and it gets smaller and smaller as the rally goes on so it gets “trickier”. The ‘Ball’ comes from the fact we’re using a ball and the ‘Rally’ comes from the fact this is a rally. I don’t understand when you’re playing against a computer and they end up doing a giant ass-shot on you- why are you doing that? We’re rallying the ball with each other! We have the same GOAL! No Mega Mushrooms in this mode,''

[It shows the couch again with Jeb using a controller and Scott using the Gamepad]

Rex: ARGGGGHH-!

Scott: ''Which is why we have to move on to ‘Knockout Challenge’... ‘amiibo’. We pick ourselves a character and play Mega Battle against another opponent. ...Hey…''

[The TV screen is shown with a piece of paper stuck to it reading “KNOCKOUT CHALLENGE”. There is another piece of paper underneath it]

Scott: -H- hey- wait a second…

[He pulls the top paper off, revealing the one underneath says “MORE MEGA BATTLE”]

Scott: Huh?!

Scott: ''YEP! This is just a singleplayer-orientated version of Mega Battle. It’s for true-''

[The couch is shown. Jeb is grinning and Rex is smiling]

Scott: -Mega Battle Gex fans only.

Scott: You go up against an opponent, beat them, go up against another one, beat them, go up against another one…

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Scott: And then what?

Therapist: ...I don’t remember.

Scott: ''It’s just a never ending endurance mode until you lose against somebody. Basically, this game’s excuse for a singleplayer offering. Of course, the farther you go, the more coins you get. That’s right - Mario Tennis Ultra Smash has an economy!''

[It cuts to the couch]

Rex: Aaaand Mega Battle!

Scott: ''Now, you can use an amiibo figure in this mode as your partner. For some reason you can’t just have another player play with you or a standard CPU- it… HAS to be an amiibo. So,''

[The couch is shown. All three pull Animal Crossing amiibo figures from their pockets]

Scott: -Crack out your Animal Crossing amiibo, try scanning them,

Scott: F*ck!

Rex: F*ck!

Jeb: ...F*ck!

Scott: -Realize the game only works with certain Mario amiibo, sulk,

[They put their Animal Crossing amiibos down and get a different amiibo from their other pocket]

Scott: -enter your pockets, scan amiibo.

Scott: ''With that being said, the Gold Mario amiibo works and gives you a gold Mario in the game! ...Now, Silver Mario doesn’t give you a silver Mario, obviously, f*ck ‘em. You must train your amiibo… it’ll level up the more you play with it and you can teach it some certain skills. See, I like this concept, but it’s ripped off directly from Super Smash Bros.- Smash for WiiU and 3DS allowed you to scan an amiibo to fight with or against it to train it to fight like you. But, see, Smash Bros. is a pretty deep game… everybody has a different fighting style of their own, so that makes sense. Training my Bowser Jr. to play tennis just like me… that doesn’t. Nobody has a certain playstyle in Mario Tennis Ultra Smash- it’s literally all just mashing a button when a glowy spot appears. Playing with an amiibo doesn’t feel like I have an understudy, it just feels like I’m playing with a computer. ...Which is exactly what I’m doing. Well that’s Knockout Challenge. It’s just Mega Battle.''

[It cuts to the couch. Rex laughs]

Rex: I-I- It is.

Scott: ''Moving on to Classic Tennis. This is tennis without the Mega Mushrooms.''

[It cuts back to the couch. Rex, holding a Wii Remote, stands up angrily, slapping his knees]

Rex: ''Alright. You know what? That’s the last f*cking straw. Alright?! I don’t f*cking need this! ALRIGHT?! F*CK YOU! F*CK-''

[He throws the Wii Remote against the ground, shattering it]

Rex: ''-THIS! AND F*CK. TENNIS!''

Scott: ''Classic Tennis gives us two options - simple mode or standard mode. ...Those are synonyms. While standard has the stinky-ass Chance and Jump Shots, where you have the glow things you just run around to, simple is just tennis. You just hit the ball back and forth. So basically, standard mode is Mega Battle,''

[The couch is shown. Rex pops into frame eagerly]

Rex: Yeah…?

Scott: ...without the Mega Mushrooms.

[The couch is shown again. Rex leaves again]

Rex: F*ck you.

Scott: ''And simple mode is more strategic and skillful but boring in its own special way. Well, we can play online. We have access to singles or doubles, we can play for fun for f*cking p*ssies or play a serious match. We can play standard tennis or Mega Battle.''

[It shows the couch again. Rex is back again and sitting on the couch. He points at the screen]

Rex: This game gets me.

Scott: ''We can even bring our amiibo online to play alongside us. Now all we have to do is find a match!''

[The “Searching for opponents… Please wait.” screen is shown for a while. Then it cuts to the couch. Jeb frowns]

Jeb: ''Waitwaitwait- Gex’s online wasn’t THIS bad! ...What the f*ck is this game?! I’ve f*ckin’ had it. F*ck you! F*ck this! And-''

[He throws his controller on the ground]

Jeb: ''F*CK. TENNIS!''

Scott: ''So, online you can only play against random people and not friends so that means we are completely dependent on who’s playing this right now at this exact moment. You ever feel special that you’re the ONLY one playing Ultra Smash online? Of course you don’t, because I’M the only one playing Ultra Smash online. The game’s trailers heavily suggested you can play with friends. The term “PLAY TOGETHER ONLINE” kind of implies… you can play with friends.''

''Well, what about this little eyesore right here? Well, this is the achievements and store section. Ya gotta have a store with an economy. We have 25 things to unlock by doing certain things. You know how old NES games would be notoriously hard so then you’d be forced to play it longer even though the game had, like, barely much content to it at all? That’s a neat quirk of Ultra Smash - it brings that back! We have to win against 15 opponents in a row in Knockout challenge with every starting character. That is nearly 200 matches you have to win. And… whaddya get for doing that? The ‘star’ version of that character. What’s the ‘star’ version of that character?''

[The couch is shown. Jeb is still gone. Rex is looking at the TV and holding his Blathers amiibo figure. Scott is holding the gamepad and looks at the camera, shrugging slightly]

Scott: I dunno.

Scott: ''They look the exact same, they just have a tiny star in their portrait. After looking it up, a ‘star’ character is a more powerful version of that original character. ...That’s kinda dumb. I know that’s something that’s not new to Mario Tennis but still. ...It’s kinda dumb. But we can unlock more characters… Bowser Jr., Dry Bowser, Sprixie Princess, Cleveland. Cleveland and Sprixie are new to Mario Tennis, joining Rosalina who’s also new on the starting roster. I really like Rosalina in this game… how she floats around. I don’t know if that was just a lucky decision to make so they didn't have to animate her walking but it looks cool and fits her character. Sprixie was from Super Mario 3D World and is a really fun and cool addition. I like when they pull from the latest Mario titles for new characters instead of relying on the same-old-same-old. And it’s really odd to me that Grover hasn’t been in a Mario Tennis game before this… but it’s good she’s finally here.''

''When you obtain the unlockable characters for the first time, you automatically get the star version of them. ...Which just goes to show how dumb having a star version is in the first place. And then there are the extra courts we can unlock - I mean, please. I would like some variety, thank you. Simply playing more and more matches will unlock different courts… and the only difference between them is the look and texture of the floor. Carpet, Mushroom, Sand, Ice, Rebound and Morph. Can’t have Mario Tennis Ultra Smash without Carpet, Mushroom, Sand, Ice, Rebound and Morph. I’d say the most interesting one is Morph, simply because it’ll morph into different textures already in the game. Rebound’s kinda garbage but so is the game so it fits. It’ll immediately make the ball fly in the direction it lands on which is interesting. ...Did I just say that? Everything else… okay.''

''To be honest, while the ball speed and bouncing properties change between each different court texture… most of them… I can barely tell the difference. The different styles I choose between mostly depend on whatever I feel like looking at that day… not necessarily the ball speed and bounce. Of course, if we look at the other Mario Tennis games and see how they all had elaborate court designs with interesting and fun gimmicks based on other Mario titles as WELL as a standard stadium with texture differences you may ask “Why doesn’t this game have good courts like these?” And to answer that, this game had to come out in the holiday of 2015, no exceptions. We have Sand court, you’re asking for a lot. We can unlock higher CPU difficulties and an amiibo training mode. I mean, having these unlockables, that gives us some incentive to play more Mega Battles.''

[It cuts to the couch]

Rex: ''I don’t NEED an incentive to play Mega Battle. It’s Mega Battle!''

Scott: ''But we don’t necessarily have to complete the tasks the game is asking us to complete to unlock these things. We can just unlock them with the coins we earn. Don’t you love how to unlock the pro difficulty it costs 5000 coins but then for the difficulty right above it it’s 30,000? Alright. ...What else? ...Does the electronic manual count as a mode?''

[It cuts back to the couch]

Scott: ''So that’s Mario Tennis Ultra Smash! ‘N overall? It’s bad tennis!''

Rex: With Mega Battle.

[Jeb returns and sits down]

Jeb: ''Such a classic Gex move; makes you think it’s not Gex, then comes out and says “I’m a bad tennis game”! It’s right! Gex is TERRIBLE tennis game!''

[It cuts back to Scott at his desk]

Scott: ''Yep. That was a Nintendo-published game in 2015. I think I should wrap things off by giving just a little overview on everything Mario Tennis Ultra Smash has to offer.''

[Gameplay of Mario with a Mega Mushroom power-up performing a jump shot is very briefly shown]

Scott: ...That’s it.

[An article titled “MARIO TENNIS: ULTRA SMASH INTERVIEW - CAMELOT WAS ‘AFRAID’ TO WORK ON THEIR FIRST HD GAME” is shown]

Scott: I remember reading an interview with the developers of Mario Tennis Ultra Smash… There, they stated they wanted to go back to the “roots” of Mario Tennis… and that is code for “Here’s a lazy excuse as to why this game has less content than the Nintendo 64 one.” ...I could say this is one of the worst Nintendo games ever created… and I will.

''But, is it simply because it has barely 20 minutes worth of content and was obviously rushed out just to get SOMETHING Mario-related out on WiiU that holiday? Is it because this game adds absolutely nothing to the Mario Tennis series and strips out anything and everything memorable or fun from the past games? Is it because the main gimmick of the game adds absolutely nothing but an obtrusive cutscene to matches? Is it because they could’ve added content to the game via free software updates after the game released, but just gave up and barely mentioned it after the game launched? Is it because there’s only one stadium in the game with lazy textures added to give the half-assed illusion of multiple arenas? Is it because it was fifty dollars when it could have very easily been a fifteen dollar EShop download? Is it because even disregarding the lack of content, modes, and everything the core gameplay is just pretty boring? ...Yes. But was this game ever really meant to be anything but all of that?''

''I mean, the demo they showed off at E3 2015… that was pretty much the final game. I’m not making excuses for this thing - it’s absolutely one of the laziest and most soulless games I’ve ever played from a major publisher. It’s ABSOLUTELY worse than Animal Crossing amiibo Festival because, say what you will about that, but I felt the developers actually kind of cared. It functions fine but that’s not impressive at all. It’s… tennis. It’s like they put together all the words they were gonna use in an essay for school, and, I mean, these were some stellar words, if they form sentences with them- easy A+. But they never put them on the paper. ...Or in an order that would make any grammatical sense. Either this game was supposed to be a legitimate Mario Tennis game and they scrapped everything that would require actual development to ship it out at the last minute… OR this was always meant to be just a simple tech demo of Mario Tennis in HD and then they would just reuse the assets to make an actual Mario Tennis game later.''

Scott: ''I dunno. I would love to find out what happened to this game in the background but… it’ll never make it not totally never not bad.''

[It returns to the therapy session]

Therapist: Well, you know what they say; if you play two bad video games for children you’re bound to end up in therapy somehow.

Scott: Actually… I played… three.

[The therapist pauses]

Therapist: ''Wait. No… no… that’s impossible! You don’t mean… No! No! NO! NO NO NO NO-!''

[It cuts back to Scott at his desk, holding Mario Tennis Ultra Smash]

Scott: ''So this may be the worst game I’ve ever played in my life. But what about the… FINAL… terrible Nintendo game that released in 2015? This was a 3DS game that released right alongside amiibo Festival and Ultra Smash and it absolutely MURDERED a series I’ve always had a soft spot for, so, let’s try out-''

[He holds up Mario Party The Top 100 for 3DS]

Scott: -Mario Party The Top 100- this released two years later and is not in the running.

[He pauses, frowning. He looks down]

Scott: Wh- why is the floor wet?

[The camera shows a trail of wet carpet leading out the door. Ominous music plays. It cuts to the bathroom. A closed toilet is shown. In the background, Scott opens the door. The camera shows a shot of the toilet. Scott glances around uneasily and enters the room. He squats on the floor in front of the toilet and stares at it. He cautiously reaches out and lifts the lid. A copy of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash is floating in the bowl. The camera dramatically zooms in on it. Scott is shown looking horrified, shaking his head. He snatches the game out of the toilet bowl and holds it up to his face]

Scott: AAAAAAAAA-!

[Wipes to blue. Dramatic, chanting music plays]

[End.]

Trivia

 * The video is the first Scott The Woz episode to not feature Breakout or any rendition of the song.
 * However, the outro song used, Scott the Woz | Mario Tennis Cliffhanger Ending by Nicholas Karr, features some samples from Breakout.
 * The episode was teased at the end of Animal Crossing: amiibo Festival | The Dark Age of Nintendo.
 * The episode teases the release of a Scott The Woz episode about Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash.
 * Bloopers from the episode were later released on June 17, 2020, on Scott's Stash.