Episode 181: The Trial

The Trial is the 31st episode of Scott The Woz Season 4 and overall the 181st episode, as well as the 7th special episode. The video was uploaded on September 30, 2020, by Scott Wozniak on Scott The Woz.

Description
Scott tries.

Characters

 * Scott Wozniak
 * Steel Wool
 * Rex Mohs
 * Terry Lesler
 * Wendy's Employee
 * Jeb Jab
 * Judge Abstinence
 * Unnamed judge
 * Liza Lotts

Credits

 * Scott Wozniak as Scott Wozniak
 * Jarred Wise as Steel Wool
 * Eric Turney as Rex Mohs
 * Joe Robertson as Terry Lesler
 * Dominic Mattero as Wendy's Employee
 * Sam Essig as Jeb Jab
 * Jacob Rahe as Judge Abstinence
 * Jeffrey Pohlman-Beshuk as Judge in Training
 * Megan Mockensturm as Liza Lotts

Plot
WIP

After explaining how he was almost murdered by Steel Wool at the Shaft Family Estate's Dinner Party and plans to sue him, Scott Wozniak meets up with Terry Lesler, someone who was "murdered" by Wool at the event, and the two discuss plans for the trial. Shortly after, Wendy's Employee, Jeb Jab, and Rex Mohs, other people who were "murdered" by Wool, arrive and the five continue to discuss the trial and its location of Las Vegas, United States of America. Wozniak then receives a call from Wool, who informs Wozniak that he has no way to get to the courthouse where the trial is to be held, and as such, Wozniak, Lesler, Wendy's Employee, Jab, Mohs, and Wool carpool to the courthouse.

Music
WIP
 * - Verizon
 * Beach Party - Kevin MacLeod

Cards

 * The Great Mysteries of Gaming

End Cards

 * Wii Channels
 * Raid: Shadow Legends
 * Homecoming

Gallery
WIP

Transcript
Scott Wozniak: ''Hey all, Scott here! You know, I have a life outside of talking about stupid Nintendo games; I almost got murdered!''

Scott: ''Finally! I'm a VICTIM! It's exciting when you got nothing else going on. That's just the thing, though - I DO have things going on. I'm a busy guy.''

[A calendar for September 2020 is shown. Every day on the calendar says “DON’T GET MURDERED”]

Scott: ''Which is why I'm one of the few who take attempted murder seriously. Every murderee needs a murderer, and ours just so happened to be-''

[He holds up a photograph of Steel Wool seated at the table from The Great Mysteries of Gaming]

Scott: ''-Mr. Officer Steel Wool. Lucky for me, I printed this off before he tried to murder us.''

Scott: ''A while back we were all invited to a dinner party, no murders allowed. Somebody didn't read the itinerary.''

[He holds up the Steel Wool photo again]

Scott: Everybody except the host recovered from being murdered, which makes us prime suspects to sue him.

Scott: ''So today's the big day, we're taking Steel Wool to court AND I'm gonna be a star! I can see the headlines now: “Murder Victims Innocent”.''

[The doorbell rings. Scott runs over and leans his ear against the door]

Scott: What's the code?

Terry Lesler: [muffled] I was murdered.

[Scott opens the door to show Terry stood in the doorway]

Scott: So, are you ready to be one of the first allies in the war against murder?

Terry: Oh, I don't think I can be in the same room as the man who killed me.

Scott: Don't be such a baby - I was in the same room as your murderer and he f*cking stinks!

[Terry enters]

Terry: ''I dunno, just- why did he kill me? Was it something about my face?''

Scott: ''I wouldn't take it too personally- it probably has nothing to do with your looks. He probably just f*cking hates you, nothing personal.''

Terry: So what are we suin’ him for?

Scott: Defamation.

Terry: ''Good. Your social status does really plummet after being murdered.''

[ Wendy's Employee, Jeb Jab, and Rex Mohs walk in. Wendy’s Employee gestures at the still-open door]

Wendy's Employee: Oh, man - you leave your door open too?

Rex: I do it as a hobby.

Jeb: Only on the weekends!

Wendy's Employee: How were we killed?

Scott: Alright, so I wanted to touch base until we head over to the courthouse.

Terry: Where is it again?

Scott: Vegas.

Terry: That's a 28 hour drive!

Scott: With normal traffic!

Wendy's Employee: ''28 hours? I have jury duty in 28 hours!''

Scott: Oh, don't go throwing hours at my face- I'm the biggest hours fan there is.

Jeb: ''Why Vegas? There's a courtroom nearby.''

[He points]

Rex: ''Oh yeah, I think I passed a drive-through on the way here.

Scott: ''Well they have Vegas weddings out there; Super quick - you're in, you're out. Vegas trials are the exact same idea. I thought it would save us some time.''

[Wendy's Employee is shown reading some paper]

Wendy's Employee: Oh thank God - turns out I'm serving jury duty on OUR trial!

Scott: You're the victim…?

Wendy's Employee: An UNBIASED victim!

Jeb: Well I'm R-T-double-S-W.

Scott: What is that?

Jeb: ”Ready To Sue Steel Wool”.

Scott: Just say the full thing.

Jeb: No, I'm busy today.

Rex: I invited plus nine.

Terry: I'm ready to win over my killer.

Scott: I bought candy to throw into the audience- get them on our side.

Wendy's Employee: Well I can't wait to throw this guy behind bars- if he turns out to be guilty.

Rex: Didn't he kill us?

Wendy's Employee: Allegedly.

[The phone rings. Scott picks it up]

Scott: ''Hello? ...What do you mean you don't have a ride? ...Fine.''

[He puts the phone down]

Scott: We gotta carpool.

[It cuts to everyone sitting in the car in silence. Scott is driving. Steel Wool is sitting in the back. A map of the States is shown. A red line travels from the top of Ohio diagonally into Canada before sharply traveling diagonally down to Las Vegas with a bowling pin sound effect. It cuts to the group entering the courthouse. The text “28 HOURS LATER” is shown at the bottom of the screen]

Scott: Well, I'm just saying, if we took that exit we could've shaved off 10 minutes.

[It cuts to show a TV on the wall. A video is playing of a tropical scene. A man walks into frame]

Man: All rise.

[Rex is shown sitting on the floor in front of the others, who are standing in a line]

Rex: [quietly] Damnit...

[He gets up. Terry turns to Scott]

Terry: You didn't tell me there was gonna be a judge!

[Jeb is shown wearing a judge’s outfit]

Jeb: Yeah- I wouldn't have worn this!

[He gestures at his clothes]

Judge Abstinence: ''I'm Judge Abstinence. Welcome to The Litigation Station, the brand 9/10 lawyers recommend. And with that, I'm gonna pass it off to my judge in training.''

[The TV turns to static. It cuts to the judge in training (unnamed) walking up to the podium. He takes one earphone out of his ear and drums on the podium. He sighs and speaks into the microphone]

Judge: ''I'm gonna be your judge this evening. ...Only here ‘cause my mom made me get a summer job…''

[He sighs and puts his head in his hands]

Judge: It's f*ckin’ September.

Wendy's Employee: Welp!

[He puts a Wendy's cap on and starts to walk away]

Wendy's Employee: Alright, I got unbiased to be!

[Scott addresses the group]

Scott: Okay, so what's the plan here?

Jeb: ''I was planning on lying... But we could spice things up and not lie.''

Scott: ''That's perfect! I can't lie- I HATE lying.''

Terry: ''That's ridiculous, everyone's lied before. When was the last time you lied?''

Scott: One sentence ago.

Terry: ''I just- I don't know. I'm gonna crumble. There's no way I can face my killer.''

[The camera zooms out to show Terry has his back to Steel Wool]

Rex: ''I've f*cking had it, okay? They should just outlaw trauma!''

Jeb: So where's our lawyer?

[Terry is holding some paper]

Terry: It says here in the court document that… our lawyer is… “Me”.

[The document is shown. “ME” is written in red under the “Lawyer” section. It cuts to Scott, who holds up a briefcase]

Scott: [grinning] Yeah, I wrote that.

Rex: Oh, great - a f*cking person's gonna be our lawyer.

Scott: ''Guys - I was there throughout the entire thing, I KNOW what happened. And plus, representing yourself in court always works out, like-''

[The camera cuts to the text “Footage Missing”]

Scott: and-

[“Footage Missing”]

Scott: and even-

[The camera cuts to the text “Footage REALLY Missing”]

Terry: I've gotta not hand it to ya, I'm in.

Jeb: I mean, as long as we're not up against a REAL lawyer, we should be fine!

[The camera cuts to show Liza Lotts entering the courtroom]

Liza: Hi, Liza Lotts, real lawyer.

[She holds out a hand to shake. The group is shown. Rex leans over with his hands on his knees]

Rex: Damnit.

[The scene changes to another room. Liza is reading a handful of papers. Scott walks up to her and places his briefcase on the table]

Scott: ''Hey, uh, Scott Wozniak, recreational lawyer. Uhh, just a quick question- lawyer to lawyer, here; I was wondering how MUCH of a real lawyer are you? Are you real as in professional or real as in concrete matter?''

Liza: You know, I could ask you the same to you.

Scott: A true lawyer never reveals their identity.

Liza: Well I heard that you're representing yourself in this case and that you're gonna lose.

Scott: I wasn't planning on it, but I'm open to the idea.

Liza: ''Listen, I've defended this guy numerous times; I know he's an innocent killer. Just give him a break.''

Scott: So you know he's guilty...?

Liza: ''Oh, I defend murderers all the time- I love those little guys! I'm a big advocate for murder.''

Scott: What, are you a murderer?!

Liza: No, I'm not insane!

Scott: Well I study virgin law and I'm more prepared than you and I think- And I'm not leaving this courtroom until we win.

Liza: Ooh, we'll see about that.

[The scene cuts back to the courtroom. Liza and Steel Wool are seated at a table together. Wendy's Employee can be seen sitting in the back row of chairs. Liza raises her hand]

Liza: Can we have court outside today?

[Scott and Terry are shown seated. Rex and Jeb are sitting in one of the rows behind them. Scott slams the table]

Scott: Damnit she's good!

Judge: Objection, your lawyer… I have vitamin D sufficiency.

[Scott stands]

Scott: Time to break out this icebreaker again…

[He points dramatically]

Scott: I call Steel Wool to the stand!

[Wendy's Employee gasps deeply. It cuts to Steel Wool on the stand. Scott paces in front of him]

Scott: So, Mr. Wool… Did you kill anybody?

[Liza raises her hand]

Liza: Objection- he doesn't have to answer that!

Judge: Yeah, that is a pretty personal question.

[Terry leans on the back of his chair to whisper to Rex and Jeb behind him]

Terry: I mean… I know he killed me, but I don't blame him for not answerin’ that.

[Scott addresses the Judge]

Scott: Permission to persist, your honor?

Judge: ...Fff*ck it.

[Scott leans towards Steel Wool]

Scott: Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say i-

[Steel Wool ponders]

Steel Wool: ...I think I mighta killed some people...?

[Scott fist pumps dramatically]

Scott: Yes, I did it!

Liza: ''Your honor, that wasn't a confirmation. If anything, it makes him less likely to be the killer.''

Judge: That is true; a real killer would remember killin’.

[Scott fumbles for words]

Scott: Hhh- whhh- hh- whh- hhh- whhhh-

[He frantically picks up the bag of candy and throws a handful into the audience. The candy is shown hitting Wendy's Employee, who falls off his chair. It cuts to Scott sitting at the table with Terry again]

Scott: I freaked out- I just wanted to make sure the jury was on our side!

Terry: The only member of the jury was murdered by him!

[He gestures towards Steel Wool with his thumb. Rex barges through the rows of chairs to get to Terry and Scott]

Rex: I did hear he's leaning towards the defendant.

Jeb: I'm leaning towards him too - we're f*cked!

Liza: Your honor, I call Jebediah Jab to the stand!

[She points at him]

Jeb: ''Oh, great! Now they called the guy who doesn't believe in us! This is f*cking great-!''

[He stands up. It cuts to him on the stand. Liza paces in front of him]

Liza: ''So, Jeb Jab... is there anybody else a part of the Jab family?''

Jeb: Nope, just me and my vegan-in-crime, Terry Lesler.

[He grins and points at Terry. Terry waves a hand at him]

Liza: Isn't… getting murdered against the vegan creed?

Jeb: I- I think it's frowned upon...

Liza: ''Yes, you don't want to KILL any animals, but you can get killed all you want? Doesn't that seem a little… unfair?''

Jeb: Th-th- that is very quite bullsh*t, yes.

Terry: He's slippin’ - we're losin’ him!

Scott: ''Y'know- I'm getting real sick of your attitude. We're in Vegas, be happy.''

[Liza crouches beside Steel Wool]

Liza: ''Do you really think it's fair to make all these allegations about this poor man? He's traumatized! You have no idea the impact murdering five people has on a person!''

Jeb: ''Oh my God-! I didn- I didn't mean to!''

[Liza walks up to Jeb]

Liza: Like - you didn't mean to get murdered, right?

[Scott stands up and points]

Scott: ''Objection! Your honor, I'm MAD!''

Judge: I've seen madder, keep goin’.

Liza: ''I think I have one more question. ...Do you think Officer Steel Wool murdered you and four others?''

Jeb: ''Do I know he did? Yeah. Do I think he did? No.''

Liza: Your honor, I rest my case.

[She walks away]

Scott: Son of a bitch, that's what self-doubt feels like?

Terry: ''We can't give up! If he wins this case, this goes on our permanent record!''

Scott: ''Okay. I can do this. Your honor,''

[He stands and points]

Scott: I call Rex Mohs to the stand!

[Wendy’s Employee, at the back of the room, cups his hands around his mouth]

Wendy's Employee: [distant] Woo!

[It cuts to Rex sitting on the stand with Scott standing beside him]

Scott: So, Rex… What do you think of Officer Steel Wool?

Rex: I think he's a fine person, and a better murderer.

Scott: So you admit he's a murderer.

Rex: On the ONE day I was with him.

Liza: Your honor, should we really base this man's conviction off of what he did on one measly day?

Judge: Yeah, seems kinda rude.

Scott: Rex… I have evidence from the night of the murders.

[Scott pulls Steel Wool's gun from his pocket and points at at him]

Scott: What is this?

Rex: Oh- that's a gun!

Liza: ''Interesting he knows what a gun is. I thought Officer Steel Wool was the murderer here.''

Judge: Yeah… How do you know what that is if he wasn't the killer?

Rex: [nervous] ''Heh- Did I say gun? I meant Beretta 9-2-X Full Size Handgun- F*CK-!''

Scott: [frantic] Your honor, he's just throwing out random words- he doesn't even know what they mean- he's a dictionary with feet, that's what we call him...!

Liza: Allow me to ask the others to name that specific object.

[Liza holds up a drawing of a gun to Jeb in the audience]

Liza: What is this?

Jeb: Gex?

[She shows it to Wendy’s Employee]

Wendy's Employee: A photo!

[She shows it to Terry]

Terry: The letter L.

[She shows it to Steel Wool]

Steel Wool: My gun.

[It cuts to Liza sitting back down at the table]

Liza: ''It may be his gun, your honor, but Mr. Mohs here was the first to identify it. I recommend we hook him to a lie detector for the rest of his time here.''

Scott: Can we just hook that up to Steel Wool?

Liza: He's allergic to the law - we can't risk him confessing.

[It cuts to Rex on the stand, hooked up to a heart rate monitor. The laptop he is holding shows a steady heartbeat]

Scott: Okay- so, Rex… did you kill-

[The monitor flatlines. Rex looks at it]

Liza: Your honor, that says it all right there!

Rex: This is a heart rate monitor…?

Liza: Yet Mr. Wool's isn't going off right now.

Rex: He's not hooked up to one!

Scott: Your honor, can I win now-

Judge: No.

Scott: Ok.

[Scott is back to sitting at the table with Terry. He turns to talk to Rex

Scott: Listen, if they convict you I'll just start yelling - They can't convict you if you can't hear, that's why the deaf don't go to jail.

Rex: ''I've f*ckin’ had it! They should just outlaw conviction!''

Jeb: They should outlaw you, you f*cking murderer!

Liza: I call Wendy's Employee to the stand!

[She points]

Scott: Who's gonna be the jury?

[Terry shrugs and points at Rex and Jeb behind him]

Terry: Them.

[It cuts to Wendy's Employee on the stand. Liza walks in front of him]

Liza: So, Wendy's Employee… Where are you employed, exactly?

Wendy's Employee: Why, Wendy's, of course!

Liza: And, uh- What do you do there?

Wendy's Employee: Well, I'm the employee!

Liza: ''An employee like you getting murdered when he has a job to go to in the morning. Seems a bit unlikely to me.''

Wendy's Employee: Well, I-I just didn't work the next day!

[He quickly gets up and dashes to the jury seats, sitting down. He points at the stand]

Wendy's Employee: I don't buy it.

[It cuts to him back on the stand]

Wendy's Employee: Damn...

Liza: So do you really think-

[She gestures at Steel Wool]

Liza: -This man could've murdered a dozen people?

[Steel Wool is shown sitting at the table]

Wendy's Employee: Well, it wasn't a dozen-

Liza: He didn't kill a dozen people, your honor!

[Scott is shown at the table, staring despondently into the distance for a moment. He looks to Terry]

Scott: ''You check the bathroom? They got free soap in there.''

Terry: Focus, we gotta reel this one in!

[The group stares at him silently]

Terry: ...Like a fish! [The group starts “Yeah!”-ing and whooping excitedly. Scott high-fives Jeb]

Jeb: ''I put money on this fight. He better win!''

[He points at Steel Wool. Scott slams the table and stands to point]

Scott: I call Terry Lesler to the stand!

[It cuts to Terry on the stand. Scott strolls up to him]

Scott: ''Terry. Long time vegan,''

[He rests his foot on Terry’s leg]

Scott: Full time suer.

Terry: If- If you can't sue a person, why talk to ‘em?

Scott: Can you point to the man in this room who killed you and your four other cohorts?

Terry: Nah, not even a little bit, no.

Scott: ...You're really cockblockin’ me here.

Terry: ''I can't even look my killer in the eye! You expect me to use a finger on him?''

Scott: Well what do you want outta this trial?

[Terry points at Scott]

Terry: An apology.

Scott: And that isn't gonna happen unless you point him out right now!

Terry: I d- How can one finger decide a man's destiny?

[He points his finger, which is shown to be towards Rex. Liza slams the table at points wildly at Rex]

Liza: He's pointing at Rex- he's pointing at Rex!

[Rex angrily shoves a chair over]

Rex: ''I've f*cking had it! They should just outlaw me!''

Scott: Your honor?!

Judge: [annoyed] Oh, what now?

Scott: It is… PAINFULLY obvious Steel Wool is the killer- just convict him already!

Judge: I don't feel like it.

Liza: ''You seem awfully confident. I suppose you wouldn't be opposed to some questions yourself?''

Scott: What are you saying?

Liza: I call Scott Wozniak to the stand!

[She points at him. Scott does the O face as a dramatic sting plays. It cuts to Scott on the stand with Liza pacing in front of him]

Liza: So… Mr. Wozniak-

Scott: That's Me to you!

Liza: You were the only one not injured in any way on the night of these murders, no?

Scott: [grinning] Yeah, seems awfully murdery for a not-murderer, it's weird right?

[The audience is shown. Rex, Jeb and Terry stare at him in silence]

Scott: ...That was the worst thing I could've said there.

Liza: May I ask, what was your relationship with Steel Wool prior to this night?

Scott: Uhh- I believe he was tasked for tracking me down after I stole copies of Madden ‘18.

Liza: ''Oh. Sooo… you're an ex-convict and he tried to arrest you. I'd say you're trying to pin this all on him. I'd say maybe YOU'RE the killer.''

Scott: That's impossible, he's a murderer!

Liza: A murderer with a heart of gold!

Scott: Oh, and I'm not a murderer with a heart of gold?

Liza: YOU'RE a murderer?

Scott: I was lying- as a joke!

Liza: So, you LIED in a court of law?

[He pauses]

Scott: ...As a joke!

[Scott and Liza continue arguing in the background as Terry is shown turning around in the audience to talk to Rex]

Terry: So who WAS your plus nine?

Rex: ''The Justices of the Supreme Court. We go way back.''

Terry: How do you know them?

Rex: I chaperoned for them.

Terry: So you were a bailiff?

Rex: ''Oh, that's what it's called? I thought they just didn't know my name.''

Terry: So are they gonna show up?

Rex: I dunno- lemme check.

[He takes his phone out and stares at it in silence for a while. Scott and Liza continue to yell in the background]

Rex: ...They said maybe.

Jeb: ''No way- You know the Justices too? I'm their cousin!''

Terry: I thought you said you had no family?

Jeb: Well that was to get the sympathy vote.

Terry: Well… we may not be able to ignite sympathy… BUT… we can ignite a threat with that.

[It cuts to Terry folding a piece of paper. He passes the note behind him to Jeb, who passes it to Rex next to him. Rex pushes through the rows of chairs to Wendy's Employee to give him the note. Wendy’s Employee scrunches up the paper and throws it in front to Steel Wool, who catches it. Steel Wool is shown unfolding the paper, which reads “SAY “I DID IT” OR I WILL GET MY COUSINS: THE JUSTICES OF THE SUPREME COURT TO KICK YOUR ASS ”. He reads it and looks up. It cuts to Scott on the stand]

Scott: ''-He dresses like it's 2005! Like- c'mon-! We're in the 21st century, DRESS LIKE IT!''

Liza: No wonder he wanted to “supposedly” murder you with THAT attitude!

Scott: ''He was ruthless! He tried to shoot me, and I'm ALLERGIC to bullets!''

Steel Wool: I did it.

[It’s silent for a moment]

Scott: ...Well that's a blow to your case.

Judge: ''Alright. Officer Steel Wool, for being so brave and coming clean like that, I'll let ya off lightly. You are sentenced to death.''

[He pounds his gavel twice. A bell tolls as it cuts a shot of a gravestone marked “Steel Wool”. It then cuts to Scott’s desk. Scott sits and stares into the distance in silence for a moment before looking at the camera]

Scott: I don't think he did it.

[Wipes to blue. Breakout plays]

[End.]

Trivia

 * On the defense's bench, the text "Banquet Hall" is written in black marker.
 * The episode acts as a follow-up to The Great Mysteries of Gaming.
 * The episode's description originally miscredited Megan Mockensturm as Megan Mockenstrum.
 * The episode is the first episode of Season 4 to feature the O face.
 * This episode marks the first (and possibly the only) appearance of Liza Lotts.
 * On May 27th, 2021, a table read of the episode was uploaded to Scott’s Stash.