Episode 146: Chia Pet

Chia Pet is the 46th episode of Scott The Woz Season 3 and overall the 146th episode, as well as the 6th special episode. The video was uploaded on December 5, 2019, by Scott Wozniak on Scott The Woz.

Description
Scott's a terrible father. Happy Cyber Wednesday!

Characters

 * Scott Wozniak
 * Abraham Lincoln Chia Pet
 * Hedgehog Chia Pet
 * Unicorn Chia Pet
 * Daniel from Karate Kid Chia Pet

Credits

 * Scott Wozniak as Scott Wozniak

Plot
Scott murders a bunch of chia pets on Cyber Wedsnesday

Music

 * Hustle and Bustle - Jack Beaver
 * Waltzing Flutes - Gerhard Narholz
 * Busy Life - Cedric-King Palmer
 * Happy-Go-Lively - Laurie Johnson
 * Breakout - 3D Dot Game Heroes

End Cards

 * Cancelled Game Consoles
 * Homecoming
 * Get Rich Quick!

Gallery
WIP

Transcript
Scott Wozniak: ''Hey all, Scott here, happy Cyber Wednesday! The first Wednesday after Cyber Monday, the official holiday for all things me! Cyber Monday is all about deals, deals, and regret, and Cyber Wednesday is when we all take a moment to reflect on those three things!''

[Scott Wozniak is seen in his bed holding Play-Doh with white text at the bottom saying "After Cyber Monday"]

Scott Wozniak: Ah f*ck!

[the episode cuts back to Scott Wozniak's room]

Scott Wozniak: Mostly regret.

Scott Wozniak: Cyber Monday is the Monday after Black Friday, two holidays based around people buying the items stores desperately wanna get rid of.

[the camera cuts back to Scott Wozniak in his room holding games for the PlayStation 4 and Nintendo Switch]

Scott Wozniak: ''... I never said I didn't like it. See, Black Friday and Cyber Monday are fundamentally the same thing but on different days. This year the Cyber Monday deals were pretty much the same as the Black Friday ones.''

[Scott Wozniak is seen in his room with a Macbook]

Scott Wozniak: The Ash Wednesdays deals were terrible this year, so I was really looking forward to these days.

[the shopping website Amazon's home menu is shown]

Scott Wozniak: ''Look at this! We have all these fun deals on Play-Doh, that was a fun thing to click "buy" on, but it doesn't really make me feel complete. We all know the only reason to buy a lot of this stuff is because we're bored and haven't spent money in a while, so best possible thing to buy would be something that affects my life in a positive and fulfilling way. While there aren't any adoption deals going on, I was looking for some deals at the hospital this year,''

[Scott Wozniak's leg is shown to have a bullet hole]

Scott Wozniak: this gunshot wound is really starting to piss me off.

[the shopping website Amazon is shown again]

Scott Wozniak: ''But that's when I saw it, a deal and a pet!? That covers most of I want out of my offspring, let's do it! So, while we wait for that to get delivered, I will watch every single Chia Pet commercial available on YouTube to know exactly what I'm in store for.''

[the text "Two Days Later" fades in word by word, Scott Wozniak is then seen exhausted]

Scott Wozniak: ''... Did you know there was a Bull?''

[a doorbell is heard, followed by Scott Wozniak hitting an Abraham Lincoln Chia Pet against his table]

Scott Wozniak: ''Here we have the next addition to the family, Lincoln! I'm cool with Lincoln, could never tell a lie, wooden teeth. I've always liked him! Ever since I learned about Lincoln in school I was like "Man, this guy's pretty cool, I wanna grow one.''"

[Scott Wozniak takes the Chia Pet out of the box]

Scott Wozniak: ''Look at him! You just wanna see him with grass in his skull!''

[the Chia Pet instructions are shown]

Scott Wozniak: So we have to soak the Chia in water, regardless of the method it feels like I'm drowning or waterboarding him,

[footage of Scott Wozniak "drowning" and "waterboarding" the Abraham Lincoln Chia Pet is shown]

Scott Wozniak: so I'm just gonna give him a bath.

[Scott Wozniak is shown putting the Chia Pet in his bathtub, followed by Scott Wozniak back at his table]

Scott Wozniak: Now we gotta spread these chia seeds, I ran out of them halfway through, I panicked, and used chili for the rest.

[Scott Wozniak is seen putting Hormel Chili on the Chia Pet]

Scott Wozniak: It's all the same in the end.

[Scott Wozniak pours water on the chia seeds]

Scott Wozniak: ''So we gotta keep watering Lincoln to keep the chia healthy and growing for the next one to two weeks. I can't wait that long, I have a Lincoln to raise! I don't wanna wait for it to grow!''

[Scott Wozniak is seen typing "chia growth hormones" into Google]

Scott Wozniak: So I looked up some advanced Chia Pet techniques, all we need is some gloves and a hammer, we put the gloves on, take the hammer and swing.

[the Chia Pet breaks due to the impact of the hammer]

Scott Wozniak: ''Dammit! Okay, this article name is starting to make a lot more sense now.''

[a wikiHow article called "How to Break a Chia Pet" is shown]

Scott Wozniak: ''Well Lincoln, we had a good run. Your time has come and it's time to send you off like any other pet.''

[the Abraham Lincoln Chia Pet is thrown into Scott Wozniak's toilet, followed by Scott Wozniak back at his table]

Scott Wozniak: What better way to mourn the loss of a loved one than to fully replace them, I bought a backup!

[a Chia Pet hedgehog is brought onto the table]

Scott Wozniak: ''A hedgehog! Look at him! I can't wait to be a better Lincoln dad to him!''

[Scott Wozniak is seen playing with the Chia Pet on a set of swings]

Scott Wozniak: I won't kill him, I'll treat him like any pet should be treated!

[the Chia Pet falls off the swings and breaks upon landing, followed by Scott Wozniak back at his table with a unicorn Chia Pet]

Scott Wozniak: I have a unicorn now.

[Scott Wozniak is seen speaking into a mirror while holding chia seeds]

Scott Wozniak: A new Chia Pet means a new pack of chia seeds, so I'm gonna take this opportunity to pour some on my head to live a day in their shoes.

[Scott Wozniak begins pouring chia seeds onto his head]

Scott Wozniak: It's gonna be great, I'm gonna feel so-

[Scott Wozniak steps on his unicorn Chia Pet, which cuts back to him at his table with a Chia Pet of Daniel the Karate Kid]

Scott Wozniak: ''Three pets died and my foot hurts today, but! I have one last shot to make things right because I will start to raise Daniel, from Karate Kid-''

[Scott Wozniak drops his Daniel the Karate Kid Chia Pet onto his table, breaking it]

Scott Wozniak: For f*ck's sake!

[the Daniel the Karate Kid Chia Pet is seen in the same toilet the Abraham Lincoln Chia Pet was in]

Scott Wozniak: So I've realized I may not be cut out to be a father, I tried the whole "treat an egg like a child for a day" thing,

[Scott Wozniak is seen pouring chia seeds onto an egg at the table, he then throws the egg onto his right wall]

Scott Wozniak: ''but you can't spread chia seeds on those. But, I did take out life insurance on the pets and now I can cash that out and afford a trip to the doctor! Just for a little check-up, you know, my foot hurts, that gunshot wound, you know, just the basics.''

[the text "One Call After a Doctor Visit Laters" appears accordingly to the music playing, followed by Scott Wozniak seen putting down his phone]

Scott Wozniak: The chia seeds gave me a yeast infection on my head.

Trivia

 * The episode is the shortest episode of Scott The Woz Season Three, having a runtime of 3 minutes and 23 seconds.
 * The wikihow article title was photoshopped to have Break instead of grow.