The Internet and You

This article is about the original video, for the VHS release of the video see The Internet and You VHS and for the original unaired version of the video, see The Internet and You/original

The Internet and You is the first episode of Originals and the first video on the Scott The Woz YouTube channel, the video was uploaded on July 21, 2016, by Scott Wozniak on Scott The Woz.

Description
What's pipin' dudes and dudettes? I found this totally lame/tubular video cassette lurking in my attic and if you're completely incompetent at surfing the cyber monsoon known as the net, you really need to take a gander bro!

Characters

 * Net-Meister 4089
 * Abraham Ethernet
 * Dr. USB
 * Copy Paste Repeat
 * Larry Tesler
 * eGrope
 * Fire Wire Yom Kippur
 * Irrelevancy
 * Lieutenant Jpeg
 * Captain Dial-up
 * Bluetooth
 * Trent
 * Eric
 * Unnamed interviewee
 * Jennifer
 * Greg
 * Barack
 * Ronaldo
 * Earl
 * Praise
 * Joy
 * Earl's Son
 * Mr. Bandwidth

Credits

 * Directed by Scott Wozniak
 * Edited by Scott Wozniak
 * Written by Scott Wozniak
 * Co-written by Will Kanwischer, Sam Essig
 * Will Kanwischer as Net-Meister 4089
 * Scott Wozniak as Abraham Ethernet, Mr. Bandwidth
 * Eric Turney as Dr. USB
 * Sam Essig as Copy Paste Repeat, Trent
 * Joe Robertson as Larry Tesler
 * Andrew Smigelski as eGrope
 * Hunter Theis as Fire Wire Yom Kippur
 * Kyle Moskowitz as Bluetooth
 * Kyle Collins as Trent
 * Yaseen Cheema as Barack
 * Connor Yarnell as Ronaldo
 * Justin Womble as Earl
 * Adam Hupp as Earl's Son
 * Camera work by Scott Wozniak, Will Kanwischer, Eric Turney, Kyle Collins, Sam Essig
 * Original music by Will Kanwischer
 * Art by Scott Wozniak

Plot
WIP

Music
WIP


 * Theme - At the Movies
 * Lambs in Clover - Jack Strachey
 * Street Scene - Robert Farnon
 * The Price is Right Theme - Edd Kalehoff
 * Crepe Suzette - Cyril Watters
 * Seinfeld Theme - Jonathan Wolff
 * Street Scene - Robert Farnon
 * Housewive's Choice - Harry Bluestone
 * Sports Challenge - Jonathan Starkey
 * Blues in a Hurry - Cecil Norman
 * Galactic Travel - Curtis Schwartz
 * Volatile Reaction - Kevin MacLeod
 * Window Gazing - Ivor Slaney
 * Computer Speak - Curtis Schwartz
 * Computer Crime - Nicolo Bardoni, Stephen Warr
 * Lazer Launch - Curtis Schwartz
 * Before the Deadline - Graham De Wilde
 * Cover of Sarah McLachlan's Angel - Pianomat
 * Against the Odds - Anthony Phillips
 * End in Sight - Alan Hawkshaw
 * Automotion - John Epping
 * High Standards - Fritz Koeberl, Peter Janda, Walter Kramer
 * Major Event 1 - Richard Thomas

Cards
N/A

Gallery
WIP

Transcript
[the short opens with a blue screen with VCR static plastered to set the 90's aesthetic. several text boxes in the right-hand corner flash for several seconds; in the start, "REW" (abbreviation for "rewind") and two arrows pointing to the left appear for a split second; "STOP" then appears after a short while, before being replaced with "PLAY" and an arrow pointing to the right; this makes the screen flash to a black screen for several seconds before cutting to a white-blue gradient background. at this point, the At the Movies theme cues in and the title makes an entrance by spinning to the screen. A wipe transition occurs and text saying "STARRING" and "ABRAHAM ETHERNET" pop in and disappear, after this the same thing happens to the text "and" and "NET-MEISTER 4089"]

Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089: Woaaaaaaaaah!

Abraham Ethernet: Ugh Net-Meister, I'm not feeling too hot!

Net-Meister 4089: Maybe it's from the incompetence of your radical glance?!

Abraham Ethernet: ''At least I'm not a complete chill... No Net-Meister! I might be feeling too bad because of the jet lag from the trip we just took? Remember?!''

Net-Meister 4089: Oh yeeeaaahhh!

[the image distorts into Abraham Ethernet playing with a Nintendo 64 controller]

Abraham Ethernet: ''Hey Net-Meister! Where do you think you're going?!''

[the shot cuts to Net-Meister 4089 in a Hawaiian suit and holding a briefcase]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Well, I'm glad you asked! I'm taking a vacation to... the Interneeeet!''

Abraham Ethernet: ''Tubular! I'm in!''

[the camera cuts to Abraham Ethernet in front of a Mac with Net-Meister 4089 behind him]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Uh, alright... you have to click on the file. Oh... ok...''

[Abraham Ethernet clicks the file]

Net-Meister 4089: Ok, hit new tab right there.

Abraham Ethernet: I don't see new tab.

Net-Meister 4089: ''What do you mean? It's right there, second option.''

Abraham Ethernet: That says new window, I only see new window.

Net-Meister 4089: ''How do you not see it?! It's right there!''

Abraham Ethernet: ''I-I don't see it! I only see new window!''

Net-Meister 4089: Well, that seems like a you problem.

Abraham Ethernet: ''Eh... maybe it's actually a you problem and you're just pushing it off to me!''

Net-Meister 4089: ''Nope. I still think it's a you problem.''

Abraham Ethernet: Me's don't have problems, only you's.

[the camera cuts back to Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089's position before Net-Meister 4089's flashback]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Wait a minute! Does our audience even know what were talking about?!''

Abraham Ethernet: ''I don't know! We've been using Internet lingo, like, bookmarks, pedophilia, and firewall! I wouldn't blame our audience for being completely lost by now and, frankly, I expected it.''

Net-Meister 4089: That's why we're gonna be setting you off through the cyber-monsoon we like to call...

Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089: The Internet!

Net-Meister 4089: Woowoowoo woo!

[the screen flips]

Net-Meister 4089: Who doesn't love a big, thick, honking dose of the Internet?

Abraham Ethernet: ''Oh! I know Net-Meister! Nobody.''

Net-Meister 4089: ''That's right. The modern Internet's history dates back all the way back to the 1950s with the invention of the first personal computer! The Internet greatly expanded in the 1980s with the invention of ethernet and a .com domain! Which brings us to the 1990s; the age of the net.''

Abraham Ethernet: ''Hold your horses Net-Meister! What's the difference between the world wide web and the Internet?''

Net-Meister 4089: Well, it's a little embarrassing you don't know but, the world wide web is just a greater scope of the Internet.

Abraham Ethernet: Ooooooohhhh!-

Abraham Ethernet: ''So resourceful! But how do I get the most out of my time on the Internet?''

Net-Meister 4089: ''Well, little-tub Abe you ignorant sack of marbles! Basically, I'm gonna show you around the Internet and show you all the cool things, people, and places that make it radicaaaal!''

[Abraham Ethernet performs the O face before a transition into a new scene]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Oh, look. If it isn't our old colleague Dr. USB!''

[Dr. USB is shown]

Abraham Ethernet: So, Dr. USB huh?

[Abraham Ethernet takes out a USB drive from Dr. USB's shirt pocket]

Abraham Ethernet: Like one of these?!

Dr. USB: What are dooooooing-

[the camera cuts to Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089]

Abraham Ethernet: So according to your name, you must be very knowledgeable by USB?

Dr. USB: ''You are stupid, naïve, pessimistic, evil, and dumb. All those things just amalgamate into what is the creation of you! You guys don't even know what a USB is, I've devoted my life to these things, these godforsaken things!''

[Dr. USB takes off his coat and puts it to his mouth]

Dr. USB: I don't kno-

[Dr. USB breathes into his coat]

Dr. USB: ''I didn't want to be like this man, my parents... they- they torture me... Every day I'd get home from work they'd be drunker than the night before and then they'd just whip out the fucking Mohican and spear and then he'd fucking stabbed it in my throat... I don't know how I'm alive man... I don't know... All I know is that I get off at night by putting those 2 for 6 guyros in my throat, my throat hole man! My throat hole!''

[the camera cuts to Net-Meister 4089 and Abraham Ethernet]

Net-Meister 4089: You mean gyros, bro?

[the camera cuts back to Dr. USB]

Dr. USB: ''Are you stupid or are you just an idiot? Okay, I was in Honors Literature all 5 years of high school bro. Just- You don't even know, you're just some patronizing, pessimistic, pervious conundrum!''

[the camera cuts back to Net-Meister 4089 and Abraham Ethernet]

Net-Meister 4089: ''But like, what does your Ph.D. revolve around, concerning, you know, USB! Hehe!''

[the camera cuts to Dr. USB]

Dr. USB: ''You are stupid, naïve, pessimistic, evil, and dumb. All those things just amalgamate into-''

[Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089 move away from Dr. USB]

Abraham Ethernet: Say Net-Meister, Dr. USB is very much overwhelming me and the Internet is starting to seem super spooktastic!

Net-Meister 4089: ''Well, yeah, let me give you an analogy! Have you ever seen Home Alone 2: Lost in New York?''

Abraham Ethernet: Every Sabbath!

Net-Meister 4089: Well, imagine you as Kevin and New York is the Internet!

[the camera zooms in on Abraham Ethernet's face]

Abraham Ethernet: My god.

Net-Meister 4089: Well, you know, the Internet is a big place Abe, it's easy to get lost, just as Kevin McCallister got lost in the 1992 hit Christmas classic, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, which racked in over $350 million at the box office.

Abraham Ethernet: ''That's a deal-breaker Net-Meister! I'll go! Show me the waaa-''

[the scene guts to a blue background with a keyboard mouse coming over the screen, revealing the text "THE INTERNET Genghis Kahn's Last Gift to Humanity", it then cuts to Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089 standing in another blue background with the text "INTERNET" in the top right corner and all sounds echoes]

Net-Meister 4089: The Internet sure is big.

Abraham Ethernet: I heard the Internet is so big, you can fit over 7 football fields in it!

Net-Meister 4089: You're not wrong.

[an unknown sound is heard and sounds no longer echoes]

Abraham Ethernet: ''Wait! That sounds like the sound of...''

Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089: Copy Paste Repeat!

Net-Meister 4089: Weeweewee wee!

[the screen flickers]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Listen Mr. Repeat, we just got out of an emotionally abusive conversation with Dr. USB about the origins of his name. Can you reassure us that your name has no such emotional connotation?''

[the camera cuts to Copy Paste Repeat]

Copy Paste Repeat: ''I'd be waiting all day for you to ask me that. Ladies and gentle managers, please welcome to the household, the legend! Mr. Larry Tesler!''

[Copy Paste Repeat starts clapping]

Copy Paste Repeat: Come on down!

[Larry Tesler walks into a shot with text under him reading "LARRY TESLER Creators of Copy/Paste"]

Larry Tesler: ''Eh... Hey.''

Copy Paste Repeat: So, uh, Larry would you like to tell them the origins of my name?

Larry Tesler: ''Well, uh... you see the term Copy comes from the medieval term... uh... copiam describendi facere and paste comes from... uh, you ever heard of Elmer's Glue? Yep, that's the stuff and don't even get me started on cut.''

Copy Paste Repeat: ''So, uh... you guys wanna know how to do my copy? Oh, wait! I could copy and paste you places if you would like that better. No, no, we'll do copy. No, we'll do paste! Oh, no... You guys choose.''

[the camera cuts back to Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Well, that's interesting but we got a lot of Internet to explore and not much time, as... as you know, all human lives are fleeting and meaningless in the greater existence of the universe. Anyway, I'm gonna make like a hard drive and eject out of here!''

[another blue screen appears with a computer mouse going across the screen revealing the text "DANGER ON THE NET It's a Myth!". the camera then cuts to an outdoors area]

Abraham Ethernet: ''Net-Meister where are we? I'm scared and aroused.''

Net-Meister 4089: ''Well, we're in one of the most dangerous parts of the surface web right now, look over there! There's a specimen of this part of the net right now!''

[the camera shows eGrope]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Looks like his screen name is... eGrope!''

Abraham Ethernet: Aaaaaaaa!- Should I report him?

Net-Meister 4089: Well, I'd be insulted if you didn't.

[Abraham Ethernet runs off to eGrope and kicks him and eGrope gets thrown into the sky]

Abraham Ethernet: ''Phew! All those weeks of golf finally paid off!''

[the camera then shows eGrope flying from the Surface Web to the Deep Web before another segment card appears saying "TECHNOLOGY What Powers Your Gun and the Internet", after this, the camera shows a close-up off a window with the Seinfeld theme playing, the camera then goes into the house showing Net-Meister 4089 and Abraham Ethernet]

Net-Meister 4089: You know Abe, there's been a lot of technologies that's gotten the Internet from over there, all the way to over here where it is today.

[a laugh track plays]

Net-Meister 4089: One of those such technologies, is firewire!

[the scene cuts to Fire Wire Yom Kippur jumping out of a box with confetti on him and applaud sound effects play]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Well, if it isn't my colleague, Fire Wire Yom Kippur! Long time no see buddy! You know, ironically, he was in prison for arson.''

Fire Wire Yom Kippur: ''Hahaha. That was a nice orphanage.''

Abraham Ethernet: ''So, Fire Wire Yom Kippur tell me a bit about yourself! How do you relate to the Internet?''

Copy Paste Repeat: ''Hey guys, did not see you out here. What a-what a coincidence! It's weird, huh? I was like over there and now I'm over here! Hahahaha! You want to see a trick? How to copy and paste better. Command C, Command V, it's kinda confusing 'cause paste starts with... it's whatever... You wanna see it? No? No? Okay, well that's fine. We co- You guys free tonight? Or... uh... no? Ok-I'll find ya, I'll find ya. Yeah! Bye!''

[Copy Paste Repeat leaves the room]

Fire Wire Yom Kippur: Well, you see, FireWire could've been used for the Internet but ever since everyone switched over to the whole WiFi scam and USB trash and thunderbolt garbage and all that, I've been out of work late, so I've taken up many hobbies such as kayaking and arson.

[another laugh track plays]

Net-Meister 4089: At least you're keeping yourself busy.

Fire Wire Yom Kippur: Busy with the prospect of watching the earth burn.

[text comes up saying "Executive Producer Irrelevancy" accompanied with the Seinfeld theme and a laugh track before another segment card appears saying "SOCIAL MEDIA The Safe Way to Meet Strangers On the Net", the shot then cuts to a forest near a river]

Abraham Ethernet: ''Cowabunga Melado! Where are we at now?''

Net-Meister 4089: ''Well, if you'd stop being such a fucking damn loud moron and looked at our itinerary once every 5 minutes, you'd know that we're on... social media!''

Abraham Ethernet: ''Haha! Is this what they like to refer to as "human trafficking"?''

Net-Meister 4089: No. 

Abraham Ethernet: Haha!

Net-Meister 4089: ''We'll get to that later! Nah, this is where everyone hangs out, shares their feelings with their peers, and get stalked by the government.''

Abraham Ethernet: ''Bootacious! I can't wait to hook up with some hot new peer- Wait! Who is that over there!''

Net-Meister 4089: ''It's Lieutenant JPEG! Get down!''

[an explosion occurs followed by a war-style montage of Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089 attempting to get away from Lieutenant JPEG before Net-Meister 4089 begins to talk slowly]

Net-Meister 4089: ''We're out in the open! Let 'em have it!''

[the camera then goes to Net-Meister 4089 who's hurt while sitting down next to a bush until Abraham Ethernet finds him]

Abraham Ethernet: Oh god!

Net-Meister 4089: Get down!

Abraham Ethernet: ''Oh god! Are you okay Net-Meister?!''

Net-Meister 4089: I don't think I'm gonna make it.

Abraham Ethernet: ''Oh god! You're a fighter damn you! You're a fighter! You're gonna make it!''

Net-Meister 4089: My whole body feels like it's on fire!

Abraham Ethernet: I'm gonna have to amputate your leg!

Net-Meister 4089: ''What?! The wounds in my chest!''

Abraham Ethernet: Here we goooooooooo-

[another segment card appears saying "THE LIBRARY Your Friend in Disguise" followed by Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089 in a library]

Abraham Ethernet: ''Where are we Net-Meister? This place looks totally lame, there aren't any smoking hot babes here!''

Net-Meister 4089: ''Well Abe, you disgusting cornucopia of communism, this is the sickest net café of them all! The library! Wee!''

Abraham Ethernet: I wish a plague upon your house and pray that your women will be barren for generations to come.

Net-Meister 4089: ''Well Abe! If you don't have the Internet at the Casa de Abraham, you can always crash here and get the Internet, the poor man's way.''

Abraham Ethernet: Alriiiight-!

[the camera cuts to Abraham Ethernet holding a laptop in the same library]

Abraham Ethernet: The Internet's standing me up babe!

[Abraham Ethernet intentionally drops his laptop so it falls to the floor]

Abraham Ethernet: What do I do?

Net-Meister 4089: ''Sniff, sniff! Wait! Do you smell that? Well, if it isn't my old colleague, soulmate, and occasional lover; Captain Dial Up!''

Abraham Ethernet: Haha!

Net-Meister 4089: Weewoo!

[the camera then cuts to Captain Dial Up walking into the library holding a briefcase]

Net-Meister 4089: Well coronel Dial Up, my friend Abraham here is having a little trouble comprehending what the net is really all about.

Captain Dial Up: Common misconception is that the Internet is just a place for pornographic psychopaths and they aren't wrong.

Net-Meister 4089: ''See Abe! I told you I was right.''

[Abraham Ethernet is seen hitting the laptop he dropped previously]

Abraham Ethernet: I'll never doubt you again Meist.

Net-Meister 4089: Hehe!

Abraham Ethernet: HAAA-

Net-Meister 4089: ''Alright commander Dial Up! We need some Internet stat! Do your thing!''

[Captain Dial Up flies away from the library in the United States and goes over to "East Korea" where he picks up text saying "Internet" and then takes it back to the library in the United States before Dr. USB runs into the room]

Dr. USB: Guys, guys!

[Dr. USB scares Abraham Ethernet, causing him to drop his laptop]

Abraham Ethernet: ''Doc! What the hell the problem?''

[Dr. USB is seen taking off and putting on his coat repetively]

Dr. USB: You guys gotta come quick and stat!

[another segment card appears reading "MORTALITY Please Take This Seriously" before Dr. USB, Abraham Ethernet, and Net-Meister 4089 are all in front of Bluetooth on his death bed and beeping is heard]

Dr. USB: Mumps diabetes.

Abraham Ethernet: Di-diabetes in his mumps?!

Dr. USB: Seems like it's a common problem this day and age, feels like everyone's just jumping on that bandwagon.

Net-Meister 4089: What was his diagnostic doc?

Dr. USB: ''Well, Bluetooth over here tried to activate 7 USB devices at once! He just can't do that!''

Net-Meister 4089: ''Well he deserves to die if he did that! Only a moron would do something stupid like that!''

Dr. USB: ''Well, in my Ph.D. riddled opinion, he should've looked it up on... the Internet!''

[Dr. USB looks straight in the camera holding both his thumbs up as Bluetooth dies]

Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089: Woooooaaaaaaaaahhh!

[the scenery shakes, alerting Abraham Ethernet, Net-Meister 4089, and Captain Dial Up]

Captain Dial Up: What was that?

[Bluetooth quickly rises up from the dead before dying again]

Bluetooth: Smells like child porn and narcotics.

[the camera cuts to Net-Meister 4089 who now is wearing 3D Glasses, he takes them off and screams as the camera zooms in on his mouth]

Net-Meister 4089: Oh nooooooo!

[Net-Meister 4089, Abraham Ethernet, Dr. USB, and Captain Dial Up runs up to the desk seen when Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089 were discussing new tab vs. new window]

Abraham Ethernet: Net-Meister, what's the hubbub?

Net-Meister 4089: ''The deep web is taking over the surface web! But how?''

[the doorbell to the house rings]

Captain Dial Up: Alright, which one of you little stinkers bought contraband on the deep web?

[Dr. USB opens the door to the room everyone is in]

Dr. USB: ''It was me. Hehe.''

[Net-Meister 4089 is seen shaking Abraham Ethernet's head]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Listen Abe! The deep web is far more powerful than you could ever imagine! Only 1% of the web we see is the surface web. The other 99% is Internet rapists! If the Internet keeps growing at this paste our entire Internet will turn into a monsoon of foot-fetish testosterone!''

Abraham Ethernet: ''Oh god! What can we do about it? Can we go inside the deep web and take it out?''

Net-Meister 4089: It's our only shot.

Abraham Ethernet: ''Yeah... yeah! I'm in! Who-who else is in!''

Net-Meister 4089: I'm in.

Captain Dial Up: Me too!

Dr. USB: Yeah.

[Copy Paste Repeat comes into the room]

Copy Paste Repeat: Hey guys, what are we talking about here?

[Dr. USB covers the camera before the video goes black and white and three guns are thrown into a pile]

Net-Meister 4089: Here Dr. USB, take this loaded firearm, you seem mentally stable.

[Dr. USB looks at the camera and smiles]

Dr. USB: Daddy's coming home.

[the camera then goes over to Net-Meister 4089 who is dressing up, Dr. USB then points his gun against Net-Meister 4089's head]

Net-Meister 4089: Let's rock!

[everyone goes up against the Mac, some bumping into the desk, dropping things on the floor, however, Abraham Ethernet picks it all up]

Net-Meister 4089: Alright everyone.

[Abraham Ethernet climbs over the desk]

Dr. USB: Jesus Christ.

Net-Meister 4089: We gotta install Tor for maximum sketchiness.

Abraham Ethernet: ''I hope they don't call you Net-Meister for a reason for nothing Net-Meister! Wh-what's Tor?''

Net-Meister 4089: ''Well, I'm glad you asked, basically, it's a program that allows us to be anonymous on the dark web. So... we have to be anonymous, we can't say anyone's name if we do say anybody's real name, while where in the deep web, we are script!''

Abraham Ethernet: Radical!-

[Dr. USB hits Abraham Ethernet]

Abraham Ethernet: Gnarly Net-Mei- I mean my anonymous friend Net-Meister.

Net-Meister 4089: Did you hear that Mr. Dial Up?

[Captain Dial Up looks at the camera with a smile]

Net-Meister 4089: Alright, who's ready for the deep web?

Dr. USB: I eat the deep web for breakfast!

Copy Paste Repeat: ''Oh yeah? Well, they call me Mr. Breakfast.''

Net-Meister 4089: Alright, who's ready for the deep web?

[Dr. USB, Captain Dial Up, Abraham Ethernet, Net-Meister 4089, and Copy Paste Repeat all scream before static appears and they all disappear into the deep web, after this they are in a fast glowing tunnel]

Captain Dial Up: Are we there yet?

Net-Meister 4089: We'll just have to watch this video and then we'll be there.

[a cinematic-style opening into a VHS looking video appears]

Trent: ''Hi. I'm. Trent. I see. You're. Tempted. Too. Access. The deep web. Welcome to the family.''

[Trent is now standing next to an illegal pornographer who doubles as a hitman]

Trent: I'm about to enchant you with all the hitmen for hire and illegal pornography.

[the hitman takes down his shirt, revealing some of his chest hair]

Trent: ''Yeah. Now I am just going to attempt to prove my worth to you by showing you all the dangers of the deep web so that you can stay safe and cool.''

[a map is shown]

Trent: This is the Internet.

[a bear is shown]

Trent: This is a bear on the Internet.

[censored porn is shown]

Trent: This is pornography on the Internet.

[a censored picture is shown]

Trent: This is the Internet on the deep web.

[a bear with a censored nose appears]

Trent: This is a bear on the Internet.

[a fully censored man with a bar saying "CENSOR" over his face appears]

Trent: ''This is Eric... on the deep web. Oh hi, I didn't see you there. My name's Trent and I'm gonna see what others think of the deep web.''

[Trent goes up to an unnamed male]

Trent: Do you have anything to say about the deep web?

Unnamed man: ''What? It's good.''

Trent: ''Oh hi. I didn't see you there... My name's Trent. Well, that's it for the deep web today. Happy cannibalising!''

[Trent's video ends with a credit section before the camera flashes around many shots of a green neighborhood before everyone going to the deep web appears and starts running around while screaming]

Captain Dial Up: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

[Dr. USB and Net-Meister 4089 go to the outside of the Egg Store]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Ai caramba Doctor! Where are we?''

Dr. USB: ''If there's one thing I know, it's that I have know idea where we are. I need a bite though, let's go get some food.''

Net-Meister 4089: ''Have you lost your gigabytes Dr. USB?! We're in the deep web, do you want to know what child porn tastes like?!''

Dr. USB: I mean I'm pretty open-minded.

Net-Meister 4089: I mean there's that place over there.

[the camera changes shot to a door with a sign reading "Egg Store" on it, however, the sign quickly falls off, quickly after this, Net-Meister 4089 and Dr. USB enter the store, after this, they notice guns and two unnamed figures in the shop]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Wait a minute, this is a weapon store! The sign said egg shop!''

Barack: ''What are you talking about? Would you like pickled or shelled?''

[the camera then cuts to a zoom-in of a prison, the camera cuts inside and Copy Paste Repeat copies himself in it]

Copy Paste Repeat: ''Wow! I just cut myself from that other place and pastes myself into here! Huh!''

[a dark man in a cell begins speaking to Copy Paste Repeat]

Larry Tesler: Best method of transportation there is.

Copy Paste Repeat: Dadman Larry?!

Larry Tesler: ''Son boy CPR! It's good to see you!''

[the camera cuts to Abraham Ethernet running up to a school]

Abraham Ethernet: ''Woah! My aimless wandering has brought me to a local underfunded school in the deep web! I can finally learn about human trafficking!''

[Abraham Ethernet begins to run towards the school before the camera cuts to Captain Dial Up running around in a forest]

Captain Dial Up: Where am I? I need to find shelter before I get trafficked on, being human and all.

[the camera cuts back to the prison]

Copy Paste Repeat: What kind of apprehensible behavior got you in jail Papa Tes?

Larry Tesler: Well you see, not a lot of people really appreciated what I do in the world of copy and pasting.

[Larry Tesler has a flashback to him being in different areas]

Larry Tesler: ''Hey, uh... Larry Tesler. Larry Tesler. The name's Larry, Larry Tesler. The name's Tesler, Larry Te- Whattup, it's Larry Tesler. Larry... Tesler. It's apparently frowned upon to say your name 'round these parts but it isn't frowned upon to be a fraud. Damn, that egg store down the street is a scaaam.''

[the camera cuts to Dr. USB and Net-Meister 4089 in the egg store]

Net-Meister 4089: Are those mustaches real?

Barack: Do pigs have organs?

Dr. USB: As a doctor, I feel obligated to answer this question: In most cases, yes, yes, in fact, they do.

Barack: Then yes they're real!

Ronaldo: Nobody ever suspects the egg store, think about it, when does a cop say "Let's check the egg store"?

Dr. USB: Point made.

[Barack now has a shelled egg in his mouth which he blows out]

Barack: Due to problems with the Food and Drug Administration we had to change our name to Eggs & More.

Net-Meister 4089: So wait a minute, the FDA knows this store exists but not the FBI?

Barack: ''We can't make any reference to those folk, we can't even make any reference to our own real names! I'm not even sure if we exist anymore!''

Ronaldo: You give up a lot to be part of the deep web market.

Barack: You won't believe what Ronaldo did to get here.

[Ronaldo stares at Barack before starting at the camera, followed by a zoom-in of Ronaldo's face, after this, Police sirens are heard in the background]

Ronaldo: ''Jesus Barack! Do you have a filter? Four years without saying my name and you choose now to say it?! They're gonna be after us in no time!''

Barack: Dios mío!

[the police start shooting at the egg store as Barack and Ronaldo fight back before the camera cuts back to Captain Dial Up, Captain Dial Up manages to find a house after a while of running through the woods, he begins to knock on the door in hopes of getting let in]

Captain Dial Up: ''Help! Let me in! I'm cold and I'm suffering from heatstroke and I think you can track the depression!''

[Captain Dial Up is let in and the camera shows Earl]

Earl: ''Hello there stranger! What can I do ya for?''

Captain Dial Up: I need a place to stay, the deep web is too much!

Earl: ''Well, obviously the deep web is so deep that I have to run my farm remotely into Tucson Arizona! Well, I do have here a little place but it's good enough to call home! We have food, water, shelter, toothbrush, beds, more water, fans, guitars, lakes, ponds, rivers, grass, trees, bushes! You can stay as long as you want but I only have one rule. Don't touch my son.''

Captain Dial Up: ''That's it? I can do that with my eyes closed.''

[the camera cuts to Abraham Ethernet coming out of the school with a piece of paper]

Abraham Ethernet: Wrong class.

[Abraham Ethernet throws the paper in a trash can and it's revealed to be a paper about the history of hentai written by Roald Dahl before the camera cuts back to Captain Dial Up]

Earl: This thing here is a classic here down in the deep web!

Captain Dial Up: It's great mister, uh, mister, we haven't been formally introduced, I'm Captain Dial Up!

Earl: ''Don't you dare say your name around these parts! You can get locked up for saying that and don't you even dare think I'm above calling the authorities!''

Captain Dial Up: ''Uh, yeah, yeah, I knew that. Captain Dial Up's just an alias of mine.''

Earl: ''Aha! Well, my name is Earl!''

[Earl winks at Captain Dial Up]

Captain Dial Up: It's a pleasure to meet you but can you excuse me for a second?

[Captain Dial Up rushes under the table to change the name on his birth certificate]

Earl's Son: Hi.

[Captain Dial Up stays quiet, causing Earl to look at him annoyed]

Captain Dial Up: ''... Hey.''

Earl: ''Alright. Time for bed!''

[Captain Dial Up goes to "his" bedroom, on the way he meets Earl's Son again]

Earl's Son: Good night.

[a long silence occurs between Captain Dial Up and Earl's Son until Earl starts talking]

Earl: ''Scram you good-for-nothing hooligans. I'm calling the police.''

[the camera cuts back to the egg store where Barack and Ronaldo are still shooting]

Net-Meister 4089: What do we do?!

Dr. USB: No parents, no rules!

Net-Meister 4089: ''Hehe! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! FBI stop shooting at once! Onc sec, one sec... Okay, go!''

[Dr. USB and Net-Meister 4089 join Barack and Ronaldo with fighting back against the FBI before they're teleported away]

Ronaldo: No! They were our best gunmen!

[the camera cuts to the outside of the Deep Web Capital Building where everyone is teleported]

Dr. USB: Oh god!

[a TV appears that statics into text saying "Video Feed 1" where a white figure appears]

Mr. Bandwidth: ''Ha! A bunch of surface web punks trying to make it big on my turf?! You realize my turf spans over 700 thousand 500 terabytes! It's physically improbably for you surface web cyber-punks to try and corrupt my land! Only I'm powerful enough to do that! I run this popsicle stand!''

Net-Meister 4089: ''Look poindexter! We came here to stop the deep web from expanding, it's been leaking over to our turf; the surface web!''

Abraham Ethernet: ''Yeah! We wanna make the Internet great again!''

Mr. Bandwidth: Well, you would've kept the Internet great if you wouldn't have sent this little care package.

[the TV Mr- Bandwidth is on statics into text saying "Video Feed 2" which later statics to a picture of eGrope]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Wait? What's going on here? That's our cyber-rapist! He belongs to the surface web, beat it deep web punks!''

Mr. Bandwidth: ''And what a cyber-rapist he is! He's the main source of power for this!''

[the TV shows a picture of the deep web]

Mr. Bandwidth: ''All I needed was a surface web inhabitant's DNA and surrogate to be able to power this rubber which is overwhelming the surface web with dark markets and narcotics which means anybody can access the deep web and embody anything they please. The deep web market will skyrocket in profitability, I'll become one of the most well-known faces in corporate history! I will become the Jared Fogle of selling child porn.''

Net-Meister 4089: The only problem is both of your weapons salesmen are being apprehended by the FBI as we speak.

Dr. USB: Excuse me, can I join the sales team?

Mr. Bandwidth: Yeah, sure.

[everyone is upset at Dr. USB's decision to join Mr. Bandwidth]

Captain Dial Up: What the fuck.

Dr. USB: I mean, come on, when Barack and Ronaldo were telling us about all the money he donated to Kony 2012 I just feel like I owe him something for his service!

Mr. Bandwidth: ''Well, you can all say goodbye to your precious surface web, because this time tomorrow it'll be floated by my dark markets and narcotics. Hahaha!''

Abraham Ethernet: Tomorrow?

Mr. Bandwitdth: ''Time Warner Cable could never find the address to this place so I had to settle for a dial-up provider. To be honest, I started this operation six days ago.''

Net-Meister 4089: ''Listen! You can't do this! The surface web and deep web are separate for a reason! You can do all the crimes you want down here, but the surface web is ours and we like it that way!''

Mr. Bandwidth: ''Why don't you listen to a cyber-punk like yourself! You change clothes like every 4 minutes!''

Abraham Ethernet: ''Yeah, I know right? It's stupid.''

Captain Dial Up: Wait, you're using dial-up?

Mr. Bandwidth: Probably, yeah.

[Captain Dial Up begins to use up all dial-up with a phone]

Mr. Bandwidth: ''Hey! Stop! Stop! Stop man! Stop! Come on, don't do that man! Stop! St-stop it! STOP. STOP IT! Oh my god! Ahh! Come on, stop! Right, computer! Open Wayback Machine, set course for eGrope's take off!''

[footage is shown from the website The Wayback Machine where the computer enters the address "www.depressedoptimist.com", a transition then cuts to the previous scene when eGrope was kicked by Abraham Ethernet]

Mr. Bandwidth: ''A bit of throwback to when you all messed up the surface web so hard and just because I'm yearning for a power trip, you're looking at my property. How do you like this?''

[Captain Dial Up is killed]

Net-Meister 4089: ''Oh god. Grandmaster Dial Up are you okay?! You shot him! You bastard!''

[clips are shown of previous scenes featuring Captain Dial Up, but now in monochrome]

Mr. Bandwidth: Doctor can you kill them, please?

[Dr. USB attempts to kill the rest of the remaining Surface web inhabitants using his gun he received from Net-Meister 4089 earlier, after shooting, Mr. Bandwidth decides to break a piece of technology in half to help his goal]

Mr. Bandwitdth: There we go, that should be enough culture for them.

[the gunfight continues, but now it's buffering]

Mr. Bandwitdth: ''Great, this is worse for me than it is for them. Alright, computer! Go back to the deep web.''

[Abraham Ethernet spits out blood directly as he comes back to the deep web]

Abraham Ethernet: Who are you?!

Mr. Bandwidth: ''I'm... Mr. Bandwidth! Dammit!''

Abraham Ethernet: ''Really? You said your name 'cause I asked you to?''

Mr. Bandwidth: ''Nobody ever asked me what my name is, this is bullshit! You meddling cyber-punks! All would be well if you didn't start your education farce! You just don't get it! The surface web would never even exist without the deep web. We have all your passwords and shit!... and narcotics... and child porn... If I'm gonna lose my plan I might as well subject you to eternal damnation! Now you'll know the pain and suffer after you've been blown up by it!''

[Mr. Bandwidth triggers a green explosion using eGrope]

Mr. Bandwidth: Hahahahahaha-

[Mr. Bandwidth is blown up by his own explosion]

Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089: Oh noooo!

[Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089 attempt to run away as Dr. USB lets himself get blown up by the explosion, directly after, Deep Web Capital Building is also blown up, Abraham Ethernet then runs by Copy Paste Repeat and Larry Tesler]

Abraham Ethernet: ''Come on CPR! This place is gonna blow!''

Copy Paste Repeat: ''Larry Tesler's here though! The Larry Tesler, ever heard of him? I'm staying here. Will you guys try to convince me or not? I'm standing right here- Where'd you guys go?''

[Copy Paste Repeat and Larry Tesler is blown up by the explosion]

[Abraham Ethernet and Net-Meister 4089 are seen running away from the explosion]

Net-Meister 4089: We're not gonna make it!

Abraham Ethernet: Oh nooo!

[Net-Meister 4089, Abraham Ethernet, and the entire deep web is blown up by the explosion, the green explosion then fades into white and Abraham Ethernet's cap can be seen floating before The Internet and You logo appears in the same way as the beginning followed by a section showing where the characters are after the events of The Internet and You, after this the credits roll]

Trent's subtitles
During Trent's section in the original, there are subtitles, however, these don't match up to what he actually says.

Original
WIP

¡Con subtitulos español!

Hola mi nombre es Trent.

Tengo entendido que está intentando acceder a Internet profunda.

Bienvenido al cuito.

¡¡¡¡¡¡¡Pornografia!!!!!!!

Mozel tov

Ahora voy a tratar de demostrar mi valor para todos ustedes.

Al mostrar que io que hace que la Web profunda fan fresco.

Puede estar segure y irrelevant.

ｲｿﾌ ﾇﾂﾄIII

くま!!!

ポルノ

Este es mi favorito

Este también es mi favorilo

Esto no necesita ninguna explicación

[unknown]

Trent aquí

Vamos a ver lo que mortal tiene que decir

Háblame por favor

Es bueno

Estoy escribléndo esta letra en Google translate

Trent aquí

Como si aiguien sabrá jajajajaja

Por favor ayuda

English translation
With Spanish subtitles!

Hello, my name is Trent.

Please understand that you are trying to access the deep Internet.

Welcome to cult.

Pornography!!!!!!!

Mozel tov.

Now I will try to demonstrate my value for all of you

By showing that what makes the Web deep cool.

So you can be sure and irrelevant.

Internet

Bear

Porn

This is my favorite

This is also my favorite

This doesn't need any explanation

I said a jump from the hippie hippie hip to the hip, the jump from the hip, and you don't stop to the pop of the pop of the boogie, for example, just jump the boogie

Trent here

Let's see what this mortal has to say

Talk to me please

It's good

I am writing this letter in Google translate

Trent here

As if someone will still know hahahahaha

Please help me

Trivia

 * Writing for the video began in February 2016 and officially ended on July 21, 2016. The filming was done during a high school break, days before graduation.
 * In the scene with Fire Wire Yom Kippur (played by Hunter Theis), the Seinfeld music and laugh track was added to make it seem intentional that Theis's acting was "horrendous".
 * Through the Scott The Woz Merchandise for Charity Bonanza 2019, VHS tapes like the one seen on Scott Wozniak's desk were sold.
 * The box art for The Internet and You that's on The Internet and You VHS can be seen on an animated Five Below in It's a Bargain Bin Christmas.
 * The line "Oh noooooooooooo!" by Net-Meister 4089 in response to the deep web is starting to take over the surface web is a reference to Othello, a former series by Scott Wozniak.
 * In the credits for the actors of the short, Will Kanwischer is misspelled as Will Kantischer.
 * Because it is the first (available) video on the Scott The Woz YouTube Channel, it was at the time of its release the longest video on the channel with a runtime of 31 minutes and 47 seconds, however, it wasn't beaten until the release of Best of Scott The Woz 2017, over a year later.
 * A recurring theme in the video is Captain Dial Up being called different honorifics by Net-Meister 4089, being called Captain, Commander, Mister, Grandmaster, and Coronel, as well as simply mister.
 * The video is the first to feature a character coughing up blood, an act that would later appear in Tinder and It's Awesome Baby!.
 * During the recurring clip of Dr. USB attacking Abraham Ethernet, a notification sound from an iPhone can be heard in the background. The same notification can be heard during USB initial argument toward 4089 and Ethernet. The notifications could possibly have been from Will Kanwischer's iPhone, as he had his iPhone on him during the filming of Dr. USB's first scenes.
 * Similarly, during Copy Paste Repeat's appearance in TECHNOLOGY What Powers Your Gun and Internet, a sound effect from the video calling application Skype can be heard.
 * On June 24, 2020, Scott Wozniak posted on the Scott's Stash community tab that he had recovered the raw footage of the episode from a corrupted one terabyte portable hard drive by repairing it for $3000.
 * Later on July 22, 2020, a video titled "Exploring the Hard Drive of "The Internet and You"" was uploaded to Scott's Stash, where Scott Wozniak, Sam Essig, and Eric Turney looked at the contents of the hard drive.
 * On December 31, 2020, a 10 minute-long blooper reel of the episode was uploaded by Scott Wozniak to Scott's Stash.
 * When the main cast of the video arrives in the deep web, Abraham Ethernet says that he wants to make the Internet "great again," which could've been a reference to Donald Trump's 2016 presidential campaign, which was ongoing at the time of the video's release.
 * Additionally, Copy Paste Repeat wears a hat that was sold as merchandise during Trump's campaign.
 * The school that Ethernet attends to learn about human trafficking was Scott Wozniak's former high school.
 * The video was intended to be a final school video before the end of senior year. The video evolved from a 10-minute educational video to be accompanied by an essay Wozniak and Kanwischer assigned for an AP Literature class due for the end of senior year and intended to feature as many colleagues as possible, however, the goal couldn't be reached as many people were leaving for college.
 * The scenes of Net-Meister 4089 and Dr. USB in Eggs and More where filmed separately from Barack and Ronaldo's scenes.
 * The video was originally supposed to be educational, however, it was later changed into a comedy.
 * Because of the video's length, and actors not showing up at times, the scenes were filmed in no particular order.
 * Scenes filmed in Wozniak's then house and green screen scenes were filmed the first day, and the final scenes filmed were of Earl's Son.


 * The video hit 800K views on January 29, 2022 at 12:03 PM EST.