Episode 5: Tinder

Tinder is the 5th episode of Scott The Woz, as well as the 1st special episode. The video was uploaded on February 12, 2017, by Scott Wozniak on Scott The Woz.

Description
I'm very lonely. Happy Valentine's Day!

Characters

 * Scott Wozniak
 * Glenda Siete
 * Homeless Man McGee
 * King Handjob

Credits

 * Scott Wozniak as Scott Wozniak, Glenda and King Handjob
 * Windows Movie Maker trailer edited by Scott Wozniak

Plot
WIP

Music

 * Blues in a Hurry - Cecil Norman
 * Hollywood Holiday - Frank Samuels
 * Free Speech For The Dumb - Metallica
 * Breakout - 3D Dot Game Heroes

End Cards

 * Why the Wii U Failed
 * A Tour of My Frat House | Alpha Menorah JavaScript
 * History of Smash Bros. Leaks and Rumors

Transcript
Scott Wozniak: ''Hey all, Scott here! You know, I was recently adding a brand new copy of Madden 08 to my ever-growing collection, when I contracted something.''

[as Scott Wozniak finishes adding the PS3 edition of Madden NFL 08 to his collection, he suddenly pukes]

Scott Wozniak: ''Depression! Valentine's Day is only a few solid decibels away. Thusly, I have to find a mate. Like, really have to find a mate! So, what better way to it than with a lack of confrontation, by going on Tinder!''

[Scott Wozniak's Tinder profile is shown, his profile description is "what's up bro welcome to the journey of an app that is known humbly as tinder we both know why you are here and to be blunt I am the cesspool of pleasure because you've been waiting for I've once been told on this app I am racist against females so take that for what it's worth back to the future is a wicked neat movie if you have an Apple Watch mad respect bro I'm very lonely".]

Scott Wozniak: ''Here I have my current profile, and I think it's safe to say I'm doing pretty well with it so far. However, in terms of activity, I'm absolutely bleeding loneliness out there. Tinder does have a pay-to-win option though, with a little monthly fee. So I'm gonna run to the store and grab an iTunes gift card to purchase my way to intercourse.''

[sometime later]

Scott Wozniak: ''So I'm back. I recently bought some iTunes gift cards, one for me and the others for the next homeless guy I see on the street because I'm a giving person, and you know, he could use that iTunes gift card much more than I could.''

Scott Wozniak: ''Now with the aid of Tinder Plus, I am cruising through matches! It's like a dream come true! However, none are really responding to my messages.''

[Scott Wozniak sends a bunch of women "fat tuesday is coming up" and none respond back]

Scott Wozniak: ''I don't know what I'm doing wrong here! You know, I wish I could see how other guys talk to girls on Tinder, so then I could see what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. That's it! I'll pose as a girl on a new account just so I could see how other guys talk to me! Now, before you get judgmental here, know two things: One, I'm only posing as a girl to get laid. And two, I don't use Tinder all the time, I only use Tinder when I'm bored or horny.''

[after a brief moment of awkward silence, Scott Wozniak begins his undercover mission.]

Scott Wozniak: Here we go, just a quick search on Google Images for that,

[Scott Wozniak downloads a stock picture of a woman]

Scott Wozniak: and that,

[Scott Wozniak downloads a picture of a beach ball]

Scott Wozniak: ''and here we go! My name is Glenda Siente, and I'm a girl who likes beach balls! But I don't say that in my bio, I just cleverly make a beach ball my only other picture available.''

[Scott Wozniak's profile description as Glenda says "lol! I'm Glenda and I'm a girl! lol! #BoobsRight?".]

Scott Wozniak: Started messaging all these guys first and we have a fair amount of responses here.

[Scott Wozniak takes a look at Andre's profile, who was one of the guys that matched with "Glenda"]

Scott Wozniak: ''If your left leg was lunch and your right leg was dinner I'd snack in between. Like my navel? Is that a threat?''

[Scott Wozniak then leaves a message for Andre saying, "if your bio a THREAT???"]

Scott Wozniak: ''Let's wait on the response there. Oh! Looks like somebody said hey... I don't like the confidence in messaging first, I'm just gonna ignore that. So I responded to this man's first message and he threw it in a direction I'm not a fan of.''

[Andre has responded to the threat message by replying, "Maybe a promise", to which "Glenda" replies, "well HOT DOG!". Andre then responds saying "Haha well im only in town till tomorrow 😏😏😏".]

Scott Wozniak: ''I'm just a local scamp catfishing people for knowledge on how to talk to girls on Tinder, and also for some... really weird power trip. But I don't want to leave the guy hanging so... "oh uh that sounds great would you like to swap emails??". And just gonna delete that.''

[After sending that message to Andre, he then deletes the Tinder app on his phone]

Scott Wozniak: Alright, so after looking at how guys talk to women virtually and how they present themselves, I think it's finally time to retool my profile.

[Scott Wozniak's brand new and retooled Tinder profile is shown]

Scott Wozniak: ''So I recently took a lot of new photos. I specifically got this dude who works for StutterShock to do it for me, and I think these pictures came out pretty well. I also buffed out all the kinks in my bio and came up with this: Hey gang! King Handjob here! Just showing how much experience I have. I am what many would consider a party within a profile. You know, I'm just a fun guy, you know. In terms of future plans, I would like to be 25 years old someday. You know, I have aspirations too, you know. No Ghosts Allowed. I've had too many bad experiences with those things. Alright, looks like I'm finally ready to start matching!''

[a notification sound effect plays]

Scott Wozniak: Oh wait, uh, I got a notification from Twitter.

[a bot on Twitter disguised as a girl has retweeted one of Scott Wozniak's tweets regarding The Internet and You, and tweets out saying, "I want a #hot #night! Let's have a chat -" followed by a link to some unknown website]

Scott Wozniak: ''Oh, hot dog! Not only is an incredibly beautiful woman interested in me but an attractive one as well! There's only two ways this can end! Marriage, followed by... sex. Or slight embarrassment. At this point, I'll take anything!''

[Scott Wozniak clicks on the link, redirecting him to a website called VIP Local Sexy Contacts]

Scott Wozniak: ''Alright, let me just click this link to message your... Oh, okay. I'll come across women I know? Well that's enticing, specifically because the only women I know are cartoon foxes. "Do you agree to keep the user's identity secret?" Uh, no because if somebody asked me, I'll start giggling too much and they'll see right through me. The women on this site are not interested in a relationship. BORING. Do you agree to practice safe sex? What is this, middle school? Lame! Age group, gonna go for the lows and the highs! And what type of body turns you on? Oh, I love buffalo wild wings! And what type do I prefer? I'll say all, WBAMO!''

[the website then crashes]

Scott Wozniak: ''Well, it seems to be a bit frozen. We'll come back to this later. You know, while I wait for her to message me back, I'll go back on Tinder and crank up the boost option and, uh, talk to some girls! I'll use some of the tactics I learned from the other guys I've met. Specifically, I'll try to be a nice jerk.''

[Scott Wozniak proceeds to message Mickie]

Scott Wozniak: ''I like your glasses but you need to work on the freckles. Alright, so while I wait for her to throw herself at me, I think I need to do something different to my Tinder profile, something to help it stand out from the crowd.''

Scott Wozniak: ''I'll make a video, to sell myself, like a movie trailer, you know? The only problem is, I sold my computer to help fund Tinder Plus. The thing is, you know, I spent $10 on Tinder Plus and $140 on the iTunes gift cards for Homeless Man McGee out there... So, I guess I'm gonna have to use Windows Movie Maker on my old computer to help me make this trailer.''

[the trailer cues in, with heavy metal playing in the background. The first caption, "Want to have Fun sex?", fades in a baby blue background, before cutting to a Photoshopped picture of Scott Wozniak plastered in a green background. The caption "Top 10 People I will Go on tinder Dates with" fades in. Each slot refers to clip art of a hand pointing at the screen, which in itself refers to the person watching the trailer. The second caption, scrolling upwards in a slanted front angle, in pink text says "I'M JUST YOUR NOT SO AVERAGE TINDER GUY LOOKING FOR A SOLID MIDDLE GROUND BETWEEN ONE NIGHT STAND AND A LIFETIME PARTNER. NOTHING SERIOUS. PLEASE RESPOND QUICKLY. I HAVE LOTS OF RESPONSES TO RESPOND TO. PLEASE". Then in the style of Windows Movie Maker, the trailer ends off with text saying "The end"]

Scott Wozniak: I was reported!

Trivia

 * In the episode, Scott Wozniak adds a copy of Madden NFL 08 for the PlayStation 3 to his collection.