Episode 175: Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash - The Darkest Age of Nintendo

'''Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash | The Darkest Age of Nintendo''' is the 25th episode of Scott The Woz Season 4 and overall the 175th episode, as well as the 3rd and final episode of The Dark Age of Nintendo. The episode premiered on July 16, 2020, by Scott Wozniak on Scott The Woz.

Description
Scott still hates himself again.

Characters

 * Scott Wozniak
 * Jerry Attricks
 * Rex Mohs
 * Jeb Jab
 * Unnamed Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash sewer monster

Credits

 * Scott Wozniak as Scott Wozniak
 * Justin Womble as Jerry Attricks
 * Eric Turney as Rex Mohs
 * Sam Essig as Jeb Jab
 * Directed by Scott Wozniak
 * Written by Scott Wozniak
 * Edited by Scott Wozniak
 * Logo design by Nico Vliek
 * Original music by Nicholas Karr, Garrett Williamson, Chase Akers, Joshua Taipale
 * Live chat moderated by Matthew Smart

Plot
The episode begins with Jerry Attricks attending a therapy session with Scott Wozniak. Wozniak asks Attricks "where it all began", which Attricks answers by saying that it was during his first time therapizing Wozniak. Attricks then realizes that his therapist, Wozniak, is the same person he therapized. Wozniak at first doesn't recall being Attricks' patient, however, after Attricks' mentions that there was a third game Wozniak never talked about with Attricks, Wozniak recalls Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash, which in turn causes Wozniak to remember his prior therapy sessions with Attricks. Attricks asks Wozniak what happened when he played Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash. In response, Wozniak tells Attricks a memory of him taking a copy of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash out of his toilet, putting it in his Nintendo 3DS, and telling himself that after playing the game, he would suppress all his memories, forget who is and become a therapist. After discussing the game, Wozniak and Attricks agree to finish Wozniak's therapy, on the condition that afterwards they do Attricks's. The two then go New Location McGee to replay the game.

Wozniak shows Attricks his bathroom which contains a large pile of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash copies. He starts throwing each copy into the toilet, which causes Attricks to realize that Wozniak's deep hatred of the game is worse than he initially thought. After pressing the emergency therapy button in New Location McGee, Attricks picks Wozniak up, runs to his room, and creates a makeshift therapy office out of Wozniak's desk.

Wozniak proceeds to explain the background of the Chibi-Robo! series and how he is angry that Nintendo, due to their marketing and decisions, almost never gave the series a good chance of being successful in North America - whether it be releasing the first game late into the GameCube's life or releasing the second game in the series, Chibi Robo!: Park Patrol, only in Walmart. He then states that when Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash was revealed he was unimpressed with the game's new 2D gameplay and states he only bought the game because he wanted to support the Chibi-Robo! series, since developer Skip said that if the game sold poorly it could be the end of the series. He ultimately only played 55 minutes of it when he first bought it before stopping since he disliked the game so much.

Attricks expresses confusion over how Wozniak could hate the game so much if he didn't even play a full hour of it, while also defending the the game's name, going as far as to say that if they replaced the word "good" with "Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash" he'd have no problem with it since words mean a lot to him and his family. After some back and forth, Wozniak agrees to give the game a fair shot, so he once again calls up everyone in his contact list to get them to stop by New Location McGee. While he momentarily considers lying about them playing Gex: Enter the Gecko again to get them to come, he decides to be honest and say that they would be playing Zip Lash.

The doorbell rings and Rex Mohs once again appears at the front door. Wozniak expresses surprise at him being a Zip Lash fan, to which Mohs replies he's not and that he came because he was finally willing to give Gex a shot. Jeb Jab also shows up, excited about having another Gex Night. Wozniak explains that he wasn't lying this time and that he doesn't even own Gex, confusing Jab since he thought the last two times that they were in fact playing Gex. After Mohs hands Wozniak a copy of Gex he had on him the four go inside and sit on the couch to play the game.

Wozniak, with the help of the others, reluctantly puts the game into his second 3DS (due to Mohs smashing the other one with a hammer) and begins playing the game. After briefly explaining the plot of the game, which he evidently doesn't give a shit about, he moves onto reviewing the gameplay. He vents about how Chibi-Robi's main moves (the 'Whiplash' and 'Ziplash') are not fun to use since the Whiplash's range is too short and the 'Ziplash' is too slow and cumbersome to use. He also voices clear distate towards the game's art-style, branding it overly basic and the use of real life items to be out of place and inconsistent. The other three disagree however, with Mohs commenting on how he enjoys how inconsistent the art-style is and the three celebrate together when they find out that Chibi-Robo has a roll move.

Wozniak becomes more and more aggrieved by the game the more he plays of it, continuing to criticise the game's controls and the pointless implementation of the destination wheel as a way of choosing the next level. It all comes to a head when after beating the final world, the game informs the player that they have to use coins they have gathered (which before now had no use other than increasing your chances on the destination wheel) to buy parts to build a mech to fight the final boss. Wozniak yells the game for not telling you that you needed to be grinding for coins to beat the game, and despite completing over 95% of the game, decides that he's done and instead looks up the final boss on YouTube. He rounds up his review by branding Zip Lash to be not only the worst of the 3 game's he's looked during the series, but his least favourite game of all time.

The others, still stating that despite all of Wozniak's complaints that they still like the game, question how Wozniak could hate the game so much when he stated that he thought the level design was alright. Wozniak rejects these however, stating that just because a game doesn't have terrible level design doesn't make a game good, it just shows that it "works". The others, either now in agreement with Wozniak or just accepting that it's his opinion, go along with his views. Wozniak then thinks back to how he has thrown so many copies of the game down the toilet for the past 3 years, and decides that he wants to destroy them now.

The four of them then go outside and Wozniak states his desire to go into the sewers and find every copy of the game he's thrown down the toilet and end their existence for good. All of them, minus Mohs who runs away, go down to the sewers and end up in a river. They quickly find the copies of the game in the water, but they then suddenly begin circling around, much to the dismay of Attricks who hates circles. The copes then morph into a sentient sewer monster, which causes Wozniak to figure out why his plumber always hated him.

Jab, thinking that the monster is Gex and therefore harmless, is suddenly captured by the monster, which causes Attricks to call the monster "The Anti-Gex" (or alternatively, "A Sewer Monster comprised entirely of copies of Zip Lash"). The monster then captures Attricks and pursues Wozniak down the river. Mohs then reappears, telling Wozniak that he needed "energy and ammo". He takes a bite of a corndog and then throws it at the monster. Unfortunately this proves to be completely ineffective and he too is captured by the monster. The monster then grows three arms and traps Wozniak. After overhearing a conversation between Jab and Attricks from inside the monster, Wozniak realises that the monsters weakness is Gex, so he takes the copy of Gex Mohs gave him earlier and throws it at the monster. The monster anticlimactically explodes and the others are freed.

The group return to New Location McGee with blood on their faces from the battle. Wozniak thanks the others for sticking with him throughout him playing 3 of Nintendo's worst games, and realises that if anyone disagrees with him they are wrong anyway so it doesn't matter. Attricks tells Wozniak it was a pleasure being his therapist, and tells him that he's good on his own now and that he no longer needs therapy from Wozniak. He states he intends on opening his own therapy business, called "The Think Barrel", which Mohs responds to by sarcastically stating that he loves to see therapists start their own businesses.

Wozniak then realises that he still has the copy of Gex on him from the battle, and seeing as they have yet to properly play the game and Jab shows delight at Wozniak finally owning the game, they decide to all play the game. However, once they begin playing, Jab asks "What the Fuck is this?" - suggesting that all along he had actually never played the game before, before the credits roll.

Music
WIP
 * Scott The Woz - The Darkest Age of Nintendo | "The Anti-Gex" - Nicholas Karr
 * Scott The Woz Ending Theme - Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash Rearrangement - Garrett Williamson, Chase Akers, Joshua Taipale

Cards

 * Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash | The Darker Age of Nintendo

End Cards

 * Xbox 360 vs. PlayStation 3 | Battle of a Generation
 * Animal Crossing: amiibo Festival | The Dark Age of Nintendo
 * A Look Back at the Nintendo 3DS

Gallery
WIP

Transcript
[The video opens with Scott Wozniak seated on an armchair, holding a clipboard and pen]

Scott: ''So. Tell me where it all began.''

[The camera shows the therapist lying on a couch. He sighs]

Therapist: Alright.

[A flashback of Animal Crossing: amiibo Festival | The Dark Age of Nintendo is shown. The therapist is seated on an armchair holding a clipboard and pen]

Therapist: ''So. Tell me where it all began.''

[The camera shows Scott lying on the couch. He sighs]

Scott: Alright.

[It returns to the present day. The therapist sits up]

Therapist: ''Oh! Oh, you're that guy!''

Scott: The one and only.

Therapist: I WAS YOUR THERAPIST!

Scott: You're more delusional than I thought.

Therapist: You were my patient that wouldn't stop talking about virginity!

Scott: Aaand not being your patient.

Therapist: You even played that mammal game with the toys?

Scott: ''I would remember if that happened. It's on my bucket list.''

Therapist: The tennis thing with big Luigi?

Scott: That game doesn't exist- it would be on the news.

Therapist: And you were about to talk about something else - that's where I called it!

Scott: See, this is where your story falls flat, it's really unlike me to talk about three things.

Therapist: ''You freaked me out, man! The fact that you gave a sh*t about three different games, it scared me! Who knows what you're capable of giving a sh*t about?!''

Scott: ''Let me get this straight. You believe I, who answered a want ad in the paper for a therapist, used to have YOU as a therapist and YOU went insane after therapy sessions with YOU about three games caused YOU to question faith?''

Therapist: That's my obituary!

Scott: OK, well, I can't help you until I know what the third game is gonna be.

Therapist: Why?

Scott: It sounds like a good thing to end my book - “My Patient's Personal Stories and I”.

Therapist: ''I don't know. You didn't talk about it. It was a game!''

[Scott pauses, glancing to the side and thinking]

Scott: ''Wait... wait, I remember a game...''

[He has a flashback of Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash | The Darker Age of Nintendo. He cautiously reaches out and lifts the lid of a toilet. A copy of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash is floating in the bowl. The camera dramatically zooms in on it. He snatches the game out of the toilet bowl and holds it up to his face]

Scott: AAAAAAAAA-!

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Scott: You WERE a therapist!

Therapist: ''I tried to be a news anchor, but I wasn't cut out. So I became a therapist, yeah.''

Scott: And I was your patient, and I had to go to you because I played three Nintendo games from 2015 that were so bad I had to seek therapy!

Therapist: ''Well, what was the third game?! What happened when you played the third game?!''

[Scott pauses, thinking. He glances at the camera. It cuts back to him screaming at the game]

Scott: AAAAAAAAA-!

[He abruptly stops screaming and stands up. He leaves the bathroom and enters his room, sitting down. He reads the back of the Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash box for a moment before taking out the game card, throwing the case on the ground, and putting the cartridge into his New Nintendo 3DS. He watches the home menu intro for the game]

Scott: After I get therapy for playing all three of these games, I'm gonna suppress everything, forget who I am, and become a therapist.

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Scott: And here we are today!

Therapist: So it's just a 2D game about a robot!

Scott: A… BAD 2D game about a robot!

Therapist: ...Those exist?

Scott: Not until 2015, they didn't!

Therapist: Listen, can you just get over this trauma so I can enjoy my therapy in peace?

Scott: No, you need to get over YOUR trauma!

Therapist: ''I need therapy, alright? And you're gonna give me advice on how to improve my mental health, AND YOU’RE GONNA LIKE IT!''

Scott: ''You were a therapist! Don't you give yourself therapy?''

Therapist: MY MIRROR'S IN THE SHOP!

Scott: ''You don't know what I go through every day. How do you expect me to give you secret therapy when we didn't even finish our original session?''

Therapist: You know, I'll tell you what - if I finish your session, will we do my therapy?

Scott: You know there are millions of customer support websites that would love to hear your personal problems?

Therapist: ''You need to finish what you started- we need to end this now…! I have dinner tonight with my family, and I gotta finish this before then, so I don't show up insane!''

Scott: ''Ok, fine. ...Let’s go to where it all began.''

[The scene changes to New Location McGee. Scott opens the front door and both he and the therapist enter. The therapist looks around]

Therapist: ''Nice place. ...This your couch?''

[He points at the couch. Scott stares at him for a moment]

Scott: Yeah.

[It cuts to the outside of the bathroom. Scott goes to open the door but stops]

Scott: ''Okay. This place- so…''

[He sighs and thinks for a moment]

Scott: ...You ever take a sh*t?

Therapist: Oh yeah, big fan.

Scott: ''Cool- so you know what this place is. This is the bathroom.''

[He opens the door]

Therapist: Those always there?

[He points. The camera shows a stack of copies of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash on the edge of the bath. Scott goes over and sits next to them]

Scott: ''Well, on the off-chance I need to restock- no, but… I keep these here as a hobby. I like to curate them.''

[He takes a copy off the top of the stack]

Scott: This game blows.

[He throws it into the toilet. He takes another]

Scott: Uh, this game blows!

[He throws it into the toilet. He takes another. The camera shows the therapist looking shocked. Scott continues to throw the copies of Zip Lash into the toilet and say “This game blows”]

Therapist: Oh-

[He starts backing away]

Therapist: ''Oh my God! It’s worse than I thought!''

[He runs down the hallway away from the bathroom. He runs up to a wall and pulls his arm back to slap. The camera shows a red button on the wall with the label “EMERGENCY THERAPY”. He slaps it, causing an alarm to start blaring and red lights to flash. It cuts back to the bathroom where Scott is holding a copy of Zip Lash in his hand, ready to throw. He glances around]

Scott: I really should have reconsidered installing that.

[The therapist runs into the bathroom and grabs Scott. The camera changes to in front of Scott’s desk. The door is slammed open and the therapist drags a struggling Scott over to the desk. Scott yells as he is thrown onto the desk, knocking everything over. It cuts to black. The therapist is shown sitting in front of the blue background around the desk, holding a clipboard]

Therapist: Y’know- I may have left the force a while ago, but when it comes to makeshift therapy offices, I still got it!

[The camera shows Scott is lying half upright on top of his desk and is taped to it]

Scott: [quietly] I’ve seen better.

Therapist: ''So. Tell me where it all went wrong.''

Scott: Well.

[He has a flashback of just a few seconds ago of him being thrown on his desk]

Therapist: This game is worse than I thought.

[It cuts to Scott holding a copy of Zip Lash against the carpet]

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash is a stupid f*cking f*ck sh*t f*ck f*ck sh*t.''

[It returns to the makeshift therapy session]

Therapist: You know, that sounds about right… but something just doesn’t seem right.

[Scott thinks for a moment]

Scott: ''Oh! Hey all, Scott here.''

Therapist: NOW THIS IS THERAPY!

Scott: ''Back in 275 B.C., Euclid did us all a solid and discovered the third dimension and it only took until 2015 for Chibi-Robo to piss all over that. Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash. Over the years I’ve been harsh to this game; calling it such names as “Bad”. You may say “Scott it’s just an opinion.” I’ll respond with “I don’t know, the fact detector says otherwise.''

[Scott is shown lying on his desk with a wire coming from his wrist to a laptop. “FACT” flashes on the laptop’s screen]

Scott: ''I don’t like this game. If it came to my funeral I’d be pissed I died in the first place. Of course, what makes it so bad?''

Scott: Satan.

Scott: Well, we should go all the way back to the early 2000s- a great time; this didn’t exist yet.

[Zip Lash’s box is shown]

Scott: ''The developer known as Skip Ltd. were widely known for being unknown… they’ve made quite a few titles in their day but none of them particularly did all too well. Most people have never even heard of any of the games they’ve worked on, but they still have a devoted fanbase. There’s truly nothing else like a Skip game. They have such distinct art styles and humor… it’s hard not to appreciate their creativity. Games like Giftpia on the GameCube, Captain Rainbow on the Wii… only Skip could have made these. And it’s a shame barely anybody outside of Japan could experience them, as they weren’t localized. They created the Art Style games on WiiWare and DSiWare, the game LOL for the DS- their LinkedIn is doing just fine, don’t worry. But the thing they’re most well-known for undoubtedly… is Chibi-Robo. And people still don’t know what this f*ckin’ thing is.''

[He shows the character of Chibi-Robo]

Scott: Here we have a developer, who works with Nintendo pretty much exclusively- they published all their games except LOL-

Scott: Take a chance for once!

Scott: -And most of their biggest games never left Japan, didn’t even do well in Japan to begin with and their mascot franchise which got six releases still isn’t actively known by anybody outside of this room.

[It returns to the therapy session]

Therapist: Wait, do I know what it is?

Scott: Are you lonely?

Therapist: No.

Scott: Then no.

Scott: ''Isn’t that weird? A developer that makes this many games with Nintendo, the biggest name in all of words and if I called the police saying “I was robbed! They took my Nintendo game developed by Skip!” They’d go “....Who?” Well, Skip is most known for Chibi-Robo; Announced in 2003, it was initially far different from the final product. It was a point-and-click adventure game to be published by Bandai. You had to tell that Chibi-Robo where to go and what to do… He was a tiny little robot exploring the home of an inventor - and like all good games with this premise, it was shelved. However, Shigeru Miyamoto of Nintendo got a good look at this game and expressed fondness of the character of Chibi-Robo. This is where the company stepped in and decided to publish the game instead of Bandai. Miyamoto joined as a producer and helped shape the game into the final product we have today which released for the Nintendo GameCube in 2005 for Japan and 2006 for the rest of the world.''

''”Chibi-Robo! Plug Into Adventure!” transformed from a point-and-click into a flat-out adventure game. You directly controlled Chibi-Robo exploring a family’s house instead of an inventor’s. The family bought their own Chibi-Robo helper robot- that’s me! Roaming around a standard house as a normal-sized human? Boo. As a robot the size of a quarter? It’s a dream come true! It’s really cool to run around a typical family home but from the perspective of a rat. Just climbing up furniture is like climbing up a mountain in a regular video game. It’s a fun concept and that’s not the only thing Chibi-Robo had going for it. This game is weird and different and that’s what I like about it. The humor and style is so… it. You meet so many crazy characters and the gameplay mechanics of having to find an outlet to plug in to recharge and trying to make the humans who bought you happy by accomplishing tasks and gaining Happy Points… This is a solid game that has that Nintendo charm- it sold horribly.''

[The sales figures for the game are shown with approx. 0.39m copies sold in total]

Scott: ''I mean, this released pretty late in the GameCube’s life - by the time Chibi-Robo came out I don’t think many people were interested on taking a risk on a character that’s plug-based on a system nobody had. It’s a shame because Chibi-Robo as a character has a similar level of charm as any of the other cutesy Nintendo mascots. If they just gave him a chance to succeed, he could live on for quite a long time.''

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Scott: Wanna know what happened?

[The therapist holds up slips of paper]

Therapist: Already got tickets to the funeral!

Scott: ''E3 2006. Chibi-Robo! Park Patrol was announced for the Nintendo DS- how the Hell did that happen? How do you make a GameCube game that does poorly and Nintendo goes “F*ck it. Here’s five more games.”? A sequel this soon and on the DS… it was surprising, but, ay! This game was coming out pretty early on in the DS’s life… it was on a much more popular system… I think Chibi-Robo may have a chance to do well here! Side note:''

[He is shown holding the game case for Park Patrol with his thumb covering the top left corner]

Scott: I love how I hold this box, I always hold it like this, but my other hand deserves some spotlight…

[He swaps hands, revealing a badge in the corner that says “Only At WALMART”]

Scott: ''WELP. Here in North America, Park Patrol was only available at Walmart. Heh- That’s great. I couldn’t think of a better store to sell a Chibi-Robo game. There are two types of Americans; people who shop at Walmart… and Chibi-Robo fans. There’s not much overlap. This seemed like a last-minute decision Nintendo of America made, as just about a month before the game released, GameStop was still taking pre-orders. I feel they just immediately had a bad feeling about this game and made a deal with Walmart and they probably jumped at the idea of having the exclusive rights to a Nintendo-published DS game- the hottest console out there and then they found out it was Chibi-Robo.''

[It shows Scott on his desk, staring at the camera. He breathes in sharply]

Scott: ...Great.

Scott: ''I think GameStop would’ve made more sense. Many believed Walmart was chosen due to Park Patrol’s themes of environmental conservation and how the store was aiming to not kill… as many dolphins that year. ...No. You really think Nintendo decided to specifically limit this game’s release just because Walmart’s views somewhat aligned with the slight theme of a Chibi-Robo game? No! They didn’t believe this game was gonna be a success and didn’t want a warehouse full of unsold copies.''

''Park Patrol released one day after The Legend of Zelda Phantom Hourglass- it got NO marketing here, you could only buy it at a store that keeps their games behind a glass door - you would have to say “One Chibi-Robo, please.” and I don’t have it in my heart to say that to an underpaid cashier. This game… ALSO didn’t do well. It did better in Japan- I mean, I can actually find commercials they released for it there. But here in North America? It’s pretty obvious why it didn’t sell. It’s unfortunate because it’s an okay-enough game. You’re Chibi-Robo planting flowers in a park. Bit of a different take from the original...''

''The DS just isn’t as good of a platform for a 3D adventure game like this… but it’s still a charming wacky little game. It still feels like Chibi-Robo. Though, not the same as the original. And Nintendo specifically requested that- they wanted this game to be a new spin on Chibi-Robo… they apparently thought the original didn’t sell well because right when everybody on the planet was about to buy it they looked up the genre.''

[The Wikipedia page for Chibi-Robo is shown. The genres for the game are “Platform, adventure”. It cuts to Scott lying on his desk. He throws the game away from him in disgust]

Scott: EUGH!

Scott: ''That makes no sense. Well, in 2009 the original Chibi-Robo had a shot at redemption - Nintendo was rereleasing old GameCube games on the Wii at budget prices with motion controls now! Dubbed the “New Play Control” line. Among games like Pikmin, Donkey Kong Jungle Beat and Mario Power Tennis, the original Chibi-Robo was set to release on the Wii. This may be a great chance for the game to find a new audience-! It was the only New Play Control game that didn’t release outside of Japan- are you f*cking kidding me? There would be no work required to bring this game over! It’s just the original GameCube game! The translation work’s already been DONE! You could’ve released this game on a… FAR more popular platform during the height of its popularity here in North America but, NO- “The last two games didn’t do well over here!”... Well of course they didn’t! You only released one at Walmart and the other one for a failed console and you marketed neither of ‘em!''

[It returns to the therapy session]

Scott: Sorry, I’ve been holding that in for 23 years.

Therapist: ...Didn’t this happen in 2009?

Scott: ''So. What’s next for Chibi-Robo? How about a true sequel to the original? Park Patrol was more of a different take on Chibi-Robo while this next game puts Chibi-Robo right back in a house, helping a family out. Same gameplay, same style. This is Chibi-Robo in its purest form- how did they f*ck it up?''

[The game box is shown. Text reading “ONLY IN JAPAN” is slapped on top of it]

Scott: ''WELL. Often called ‘Chibi-Robo! Clean Sweep’ by fans, this Nintendo DS game was a full-on continuation of the first game and was really quite good. But with this and the Wii rerelease of the original, could’ve brought new life to the series and introduced it to so many more people if they actually marketed and released them outside of Japan. But, no. Instead we had to wait four more years for more Chibi-Robo action.''

[The Earth appears with the text “With Chibi-Robo” underneath it]

Scott: Imagine the world without-

[The screen splits into two. The exact same Earth is shown on the right and left sides. The text under the right Earth says “Without Chibi-Robo”]

Scott: ''-Chibi-Robo games? In 2013, we got Chibi-Robo! Photo Finder for the Nintendo 3DS in Japan and one year later everywhere else. It was downloadable only and is more of a Park-Patrol-like Chibi-Robo game. And by that, I mean it was similar to the original style but with a fair amount of differences. This game focused on taking pictures with the 3DS camera to transport real world objects into the game’s world.''

''I think this was a totally decent little title… it looked quite good for being just a downloadable 3DS game, too- though it's more realistic-looking artstyle, while obviously done due to the photo-taking mechanic, isn’t nearly as charming as the typical Chibi-Robo style. Taking photos with the 3DS camera, though… I think that’s what killed a lot of interest in this game. If it came out in 2011 when the 3DS just launched… sure. But the novelty of augmented reality type stuff with the 3DS died off considerably by this point. Nobody really wanted to take pictures with their 3DS anymore so… building an entire game around it starring a character nobody knew- what do you mean “We’re going out of business.”? I mean, if playing a photo-based adventure game was your New Year’s resolution in 2014, f*ck it - the game released early January here in North America. It was perfect for that.''

Therapist: ''Oh, come on! You need to be more accepting of different resolutions. For example, my New Year’s resolution is to drink more.''

Scott: It’s July…?

[The therapist is shown drinking from a can. He crunches it up]

Therapist: ...YEAH!

Scott: ''It didn’t help that this game was announced in a Nintendo Direct with dozens of other announcements that EASILY overshadowed it. Like, people had more to say about Dr. Luigi. While I’ll give Nintendo credit that they truly kept trying with Chibi-Robo - far more than other franchises that sold even more… they just kept mishandling this series… it felt like they never wanted to blame themselves for the series’ low sales and instead chalked it up to “Oh, people just don’t GET Chibi-Robo!” …What’s there to get?- he’s a tiny robot! I personally believe you can take any character and make ‘em a success with the right type of marketing. Is there any reason why a fat pink circle does well-''

[Kirby is shown]

Scott: ''-but a tiny robot doesn’t? Nintendo believed that “If we don’t spend any advertising on Chibi-Robo and it still doesn’t do well, we probably have to add some gimmick or change the game for the next entry to make it more appealing!”''

[It cuts back to the therapy session. Scott dramatically gesticulates to accentuate his speech]

Scott: ''HOW DOES A COMPANY DO SO WELL BUT GOES F*CKING ASININE WHEN IT COMES TO CHIBI-ROBO?! WHAT’S SO DIFFICULT ABOUT UNDERSTANDING THAT “Hm- if I don’t market a game OR- if I release it at the end of a failed console’s lifespan OR- I only release it at a store that sells f*cking hoses at OR- maybe, if I take the only two games that may have had a chance in North America and only release it in Japan - then it may be MY FAULT the game’s not doing well- instead OF THE GAMES THEMSELVES!”''

Therapist: Moments like this make me really proud I was voted ‘Most Likely To Be Therapist’ in highschool.

Scott: Nice- I was voted ‘Most Likely To Go To Therapy’!

Scott: ''I’m not saying Chibi-Robo could be the next air, I don’t think it appeals to everybody, but there’s no reason why so many other games that are weirder and more complicated sell better - it’s not rocket science. Nintendo just doesn’t understand THEY’RE why the series fails to do at least a little bit better- not the series itself. But, see, that’s when we enter 2015 and Nintendo’s had enough of the series not doing well. They thought “You know what the problem with Chibi-Robo is?”''

[It returns to the therapy session]

Therapist: ''His lack o’... empathy?''

Scott: No.

Therapist: Overqualification?

Scott: Barely.

Therapist: Tax evasion?

Scott: That’s me.

Scott: ''Nope! It’s the fact Chibi-Robo… isn’t a 2D PLATFORMER!''

[It briefly cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: That’s my parents’ problem with me too!

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo! Zip La…hrgh Zip…hrm… Sh*t game. I’ve always just had a bit of a problem with this one. “Oh, hi, Scott, it’s your mom - you’re adopted.”''

[Scott is shown on the desk]

Scott: [calmly] ''Oh, that’s understandable. I appreciate your transparency.''

Scott: ''”Oh, and Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash exists.”''

Scott: [distraught] NOOO-!

Scott: ''This was announced in a Japan-exclusive Nintendo Direct on May 31st, 2015. Starting things off, showing what Chibi-Robo’s all about- exploring 3D environments as a miniature robot. Now here’s the game you’re actually getting, ya dumb bitch. So why did they take Chibi-Robo and turn it into a 2D platformer? Well, 2D games are easier to develop, are more accessible, and generally sold much better for Nintendo at the time. After New Super Mario Bros.’ success, Nintendo went a bit 2D-crazy… n’ it felt like pretty much all they were making on the WiiU and 3DS at the time… were 2D games. Even their 3D games, like Super Mario 3D World were very much inspired by 2D games. It was pretty much a 2D Mario game, but with an extra axis. So, they probably thought “Oh, let’s turn Chibi-Robo into a 2D platformer so it’ll sell better!”''

''...Here’s the thing; the genre wasn’t the problem with Chibi-Robo- you can’t just take this character and put him in a kart racer and expect it to sell well. Consumers won’t go up to a game called ‘Chibi-Robo! Super Gas’ and go “Oh, finally, a genre I care about that Chibi-Robo’s in - I’m gonna buy this!” No, they’re still gonna go “...What the f*ck is a Chibi-Robo?” Just putting him in a 2D platformer is not going to do anything except make him blend into the crowd more rather than stick out.''

''Listen, I love 2D platformers… but Nintendo made too many of them on 3DS and WiiU! It just felt somewhat cheap and lazy to do nothing but 2D games instead of making a more in-depth 3D one. I think that was one of the problems with Nintendo this generation. Like, no wonder people didn’t buy the WiiU! 2D games are fun and more people can play them but they just aren’t as exciting to look at like 3D games are. You’re not gonna buy an entire console for one. The WiiU had a bunch of great 2D games… but that’s kind of all it had for a while. 2D platformers are games you don’t want to take a risk on… many of them, especially Nintendo ones, are moreso comfort food for people.''

''So tell me- WHY would you go wild with a game called ‘Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash’ if you want a 2D platformer when you can just buy New Super Mario Bros. 2 on the 3DS, or Donkey Kong Country Returns 3D, or Kirby Triple Deluxe, or Yoshi’s New Island, or Shovel Knight, or Sonic, or later on after Zip Lash released- Kirby Planet Robobot, Poochy & Yoshi’s Woolly World, Super Mario Maker? - like, sure! “Making this game a 2D platformer makes it more accessible.” Yes! But it set it up to compete against so many of Nintendo’s other properties. Like, do you really think Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash stands a chance next to Poochy & Yoshi’s Woolly World? Of f*cking COURSE not!''

[It returns to the therapy session]

Therapist: So you didn’t like that they turned a small robot into Poochy town?

Scott: Well, I personally feel there was a lot of potential for Chibi-Robo to work fine in 2D.

[The therapist looks at him and points]

Therapist: You’re mental.

Scott: Lemme finish.

Therapist: ''NO! You’re insane! And I don’t work with people who have mental problems!''

Scott: ...You’re a therapist.

Scott: ''It’s not that they turned Chibi-Robo 2D. I mean, if they did it right, it could be a cute little time. My issue is; why they did it, how they did it and WHEN they did it! They did this because Chibi-Robo never sold well so “Turn him into a 2D platformer!” That makes the whole game feel oddly patronising… like, “Oh, you didn’t get this, so here’s the most basic, by-the-numbers game we could possibly make! If this makes no sense to you; here you go, ya dumb bitch! Ya like it now?” The game looked… fine, initially, but nothing stuck out about it. It was just “Oh, here’s a 2D game with a whip. Everything’s made out of blocks, there’s nothing that takes advantage of the fact that Chibi-Robo’s a small robot.” You could’ve taken him out of the game and made him any character and given them a whip and it would’ve been the exact. Same. Thing. And they did this when the 3DS was FAR from lacking in 2D platformers. Like I said, this doesn’t make the game more appealing, it just makes it blend in with the crowd.''

''But, hey, here’s a Chibi-Robo amiibo that comes with the game, you should buy it! Oh, man, now people who collect amiibo HAVE to buy this, I mean, they just HAVE to! You get the figure and it barely does anything when you scan it into the game- you HAVE to HAVE it! The game was announced for North America one day later on June 1st in a Nintendo Direct Micro… playing around with the small size of Chibi-Robo. The game was announced for an October release. They showcased it at E3 later that month, not in their big Nintendo Digital Event, no, but at things like the Treehouse Live show.''

''It’s really weird to me that they didn’t just wait to reveal this game at E3 2015 and instead opted to talk about it in the Direct Micro… They padded out their digital event with stuff like talkin’ about Yoshi’s Woolly World for the 28th time like four days before it came out in Europe. Why not show off Zip Lash during their big event? If they went to all the trouble of turning Chibi-Robo into a 2D platformer for the sake of making it more widely recognisable and accessible, why not showcase the game in your big E3 show? Instead all you do is announce it in a video many people didn’t even know existed and proceed to not talk about it for four months until it comes out in October. Again- you like to act like you want this franchise to succeed but you just give up on it immediately after revealing a new game.''

[It cuts back to therapy]

Therapist: So what you’re saying is… it’s a sh*tty game.

[Scott stares at him. It cuts to a news article headlined “Zip Lash may be ‘the last chance’ for Chibi-Robo”]

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash was released on October 9th, 2015, here in North America and the developers basically guilted fans into buying it, saying how “Oh, this may be our last chance for Chibi-Robo!” Oh, please, you know what else was potentially the last chance for a franchise? Fire Emblem Awakening. That… ALSO released for the 3DS and it was pretty much the ultimate Fire Emblem at the time. Fans loved it and it created new fans. Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash is nothing like a Chibi-Robo game. It wasn’t what fans wanted, but they better buy it if they want more games! What does that tell Nintendo? If I buy this game, that’s telling them I want more 2D Chibi-Robo. ...I don’t. OR it also says I’ll buy anything Nintendo releases. ...I did.''

''So, for $29.99 you can buy this game by itself… for ten dollars more, you can get the amiibo bundle - this was originally the only way you could nab the Chibi-Robo amiibo here in the States, though, later on, Amazon exclusively sold it separately. I mean, I like this amiibo quite a bit. The plug is neat.''

[Scott tries to insert the plug on the amiibo figure into an actual outlet]

Scott: ''It’s too big to fit into an actual outlet. Curses. But this is a nice figure and I like the box I guess. The new Chibi-Robo logo looks better than the original in my opinion, though, the name- I found it odd that from-''

[Mario Tennis Ultra Smash and Paper Mario Color Splash are shown on the floor]

Scott: -October 2015 to October 2016,

[Scott slides a copy of Zip Lash over to the other two games]

Scott: ''Nintendo had a tendency to name games that were either polarising or negatively received with an ‘ash’ at the end of their subtitles. Well, at least here,''

[A Google search result showing the medical condition ‘Whiplash’ is shown]

Scott: ''Zip Lash is a fun play on words referencing a medical condition. I’d assume if this game got a sequel it would be called Chibi-Robo! Melanoma-Roma.''

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Therapist: ''Oh, come on! I think Zip Lash is a great name. If they replaced the word ‘good’ with the word ‘Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash’, I’D HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT!''

Scott: You’d be okay with replacing a word just like that?

Therapist: ''Oh, I would. And that’s saying something. Words mean a lot to me. Words have been in my family for generations. I’m a word buff. Go ahead - name a word. Any word!''

Scott: What?

Therapist: Love that one!

Scott: Upon release, Zip Lash received…

[A picture of Zip Lash on a shelf being sold for $15 is shown]

Scott: ''A price drop. Yes, this did not do well commercially or critically. Sitting at a ripe 59 on Metacritic, was that deserved? No. Even zero’s too high. I bought this game at launch because I wanted to support the Chibi-Robo franchise; I wanted to see more games, I wanted the series to not have to worry about casket shopping after every entry. Plus, the amiibo was neat and I was in that ‘buy every Nintendo release you can’ phase of my life. I popped this game in, played it for 58 minutes and… and- I-I couldn’t do it…''

[It returns to therapy]

Therapist: So you’ve barely played this game, and yet you hate it this much?

Scott: No, I hate it way more than this much!

Therapist: ''You can’t form an opinion on a game you’ve barely played! It’s unethical! That’s why we have HR!''

Scott: So I should play ten hours of a game I already know I don’t like just to have an opinion on it?

Therapist: Well if you don’t like it, don’t play it!

Scott: But how would I know I don’t like it if I don’t play it?

Therapist: WELL JUST STOP DOING STUFF!

Scott: ''This game has spent enough time soaking. It’s time to play through it and give it a fair shot. Because, who knows? Maybe 60 hours in I’ll start to see its worth.''

[He holds a 3DS]

Scott: ''I will not put this down until I beat this game. So let me just…''

[He uses a glue stick to apply glue to his palms]

Scott: Do a little bit of this… little bit of that… there.

[He places his now glue-covered hands on the 3DS. He moves the 3DS down to reveal Zip Lash on the floor behind it]

Scott: ...F*ck.

[It cuts to the therapy session. Scott on the desk is now holding the 3DS]

Scott: Eh- can you put the game in for me?

Therapist: ''NO! That goes against my family’s tradition - they never ask me to pop in Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash and I will always never do that to honor them!''

Scott: ''Well, we’re gonna need help with this. ...Can you at least get this offa me?''

Therapist: Now, THAT, me and my family did all the time!

[It shows Scott on the desk. He is holding his phone to his ear]

Scott: I am forwarding this message to everybody in my contacts list - if you stop by tonight we’ll play…

[He stops and looks at his hand. He has written “WHEN IN DOUBT, LIE ABOUT GEX AGAIN” and taped a small picture of the Gex cover art for Playstation on his palm. He looks at the therapist and half shrugs]

Therapist: ''Don’t lie! I’ve lied before and it’s too fun.''

Scott: ''...Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash.''

[The doorbell rings. It cuts to him opening the door. Rex Mohs is there, leaning over and panting. The therapist stands behind Scott]

Scott: Did not take you as a Zip Lash fan.

Rex: ''I’m not. I knew you were lying, and I’m finally willing to give Gex a shot.''

Scott: ...Oh no.

[ Jeb Jab suddenly appears from around the doorframe, looking excited. Rex looks surprised]

Jeb: ''It’s the Gex f*cks! Anyone up for round Gex?''

Scott: What if I told you I didn’t even own Gex and I wasn’t lying about Zip Lash?

Jeb: ''That’s ridiculous! We played Gex that one time.''

Scott: That was amiibo Festival.

Jeb: Well, that-

Scott: That was Ultra Smash.

Jeb: But-

Scott: That was a car wash we went through together.

Rex: Hey, I heard you didn’t own Gex.

Scott: From myself?

Rex: ''Heh. Yeah. Word gets around.''

[He hands a copy of Gex over to Scott. He takes it]

Scott: ''You keep these on you? I thought you hated Gex?''

Rex: ''Hey! I cross-reference that copy whenever I need to be reminded how much I hate Gex.''

[He looks at the copy that Scott is holding]

Rex: ''Yeah. Yeah. F*ck that lizard.''

Scott: ...Alright, let’s play Gex.

[He puts Gex in his pocket. It cuts to in front of the coffee table where a piece of paper with the word “GEX” written on it is stuck to the 3DS, covering the entire device. A copy of Zip Lash is next to it on the table. The four are shown sitting on the couch, with Scott holding the 3DS and the therapist holding a bottle]

Jeb: ''You know what I like about Gex? Consistency.''

[The therapist is now holding a can]

Scott: ''Okay, can somebody pop in the game for me? I-I can’t do it myself.''

[Rex pulls out a mallet and hits the 3DS out of Scott’s hands with the handle]

Rex: You knew that was going to end up happening anyways.

[Scott takes out another 3DS and opens it]

Scott: ...I was worried that 3DS wasn’t hammer resistant.

Rex: You’re welcome.

[Scott is now holding Zip Lash, looking intensely at it. The therapist is drinking a Capri-Sun]

Scott: Alright…

[It shows him holding the game’s box against the floor]

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash…''

[He turns the game box around to read the back]

Scott: “Swing into action with your Chibi-Plug and help Chibi-Robo save the world!”

[It returns to the couch]

Scott: ...I think I’m gonna be sick.

[He opens the case. They all yell and jump back, except for Jeb who grins and points at it. The therapist is holding a can again]

Therapist: It’s a f*cking Cheez-It!

[Hands wearing gloves are shown carefully removing the game card from the case and inserting it in the 3DS. The game in the 3DS home menu is shown. Scott looks forlornly at the 3DS]

Scott: Let’s get this over with.

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash opens up on a 40 second long CGI cutscene where Chibi-Robo swings his plug… and that’s it. Here’s the title screen. This looks disgusting. First off, oh great- a farm! That’s the first and only thing I think of when the act of Chibi-Robo comes up! Everything is really blocky and unappealing. To me, this feels like they were cutting corners and made really low-polygon models and tried to act like “Oh, that’s just the game’s artstyle.” Like, really? Is this REALLY an artistic decision?''

''So the story starts. Chibi-Robo’s cleaning a space shuttle.''

[It cuts to the couch. The therapist is weighing between a can and a Capri-Sun. Scott is looking at the camera]

Scott: I don’t give a sh*t!

Scott: ''Our assistant Telly appears asking if we want to kick it and watch some TV- the news comes on and it’s apparent that aliens have stolen natural resources from Earth. ...We gotta stop them! So here we go. We control Chibi-Robo, who woulda guessed? Jump with A and swing your plug with X, which is called a Whip Lash- this game is one big “F*ck you.” to WebMD.''

[The WebMD page for Whiplash is shown]

Scott: ''We can angle it in the air- that’s all we can do. Swing to the side, swing at one angle in the air, nothing else is possible, stop dreaming. That is, unless, we hold the Y button! That’s when the Zip Lash comes into play! Oh, oh, thank God, yes- finally- a good f*cking use for this button. The Zip Lash is a more powerful Whip Lash you have to charge up and then you can angle anywhere! You collect orbs throughout the level to increase the length of your Zip Lash and then you can get it going farther places but the length resets after every level so it might be a good idea to just give up!''

''So, yeah. The Zip Lash can go pretty far, look at that- somebody should name a game after it.''

[Him holding Ultra Smash and Zip Lash is shown]

Scott: ''Man, can you imagine a game with an Ultra Smash AND a Zip Lash? The Zip Lash needs to be charged, though, and it’s painstakingly long… it takes a couple of seconds and then you can aim and if I aim incorrectly, I have to charge it up again. Aiming the thing is way too finicky with the circle pad - you can move it more precisely with the D-Pad but now aiming is… ridiculously SLOW. So that means, well, just use the Whip Lash- but it’s so damn limiting - you can’t increase it’s length like the Zip Lash and you can only aim it in, like, two directions!''

''So, your options are either annoyingly limited or annoyingly slow. This isn’t fun. It feels like they were making the game and Chibi-Robo’s moveset was actually pretty interesting and well-developed and… you know… fun. And they said “You know what? This is too fun! Let’s split Chibi-Robo’s plug attack across two moves and give them annoying elements that forces the player to use both.” It’s not fun! I don’t jump at the chance to use a Whip Lash, I don’t jump at the chance to use a Zip Lash. I begrudgingly use them to progress. I mean, alright, the Whip Lash is good for up-close combat and the Zip Lash is good for far away stuff. I get they wanted to have a reason for you to use the Whip Lash AND the Zip Lash but, c’mon, out of ALL games to have coherent design decisions…''

''I’d personally design Chibi-Robo’s moveset to be a bit more FUN to use because the Whip Lash is too limited and the Zip Lash is too much of a hassle. I think charging the Zip Lash is unnecessary - charging it doesn’t make it go longer, or anything. I think just holding the button, it immediately lets you aim and then you can let ‘er rip. Maybe the downside would be the fact that once you let ‘er rip, you have to watch it do its thing afterwards. There’s still that slowness element but it would be a lot less cumbersome. And then you could have given the Whip Lash more angles to work with here while still being short in its reach. I think doing that and eliminating Zip Lash charge-up would still give you reason to use both moves. Of course, you may say “Scott! You’re not a developer, you don’t know the first thing about designing a game!” See, that’s the thing- I don’t know the first thing about game development, but that makes it even more fun to tell game developers what I would do differently!''

[It returns to the couch. The therapist is holding a Capri-Sun]

Therapist: ''You know this game doesn’t seem too bad so far. It has graphics… and… it exists.''

Rex: ''Yeah, you know me. I’m a sucker for existence.''

Jeb: ''Me too! That’s why I love Gex.''

[The therapist is now holding a can in each hand, weighing between the two]

Scott: ''Guys! Like, the game works but the movement is more annoying than fun. Like, just, gliding in the air - you have to hold X while falling- like, it just… doesn’t feel good! It feels awkward! It feels like a tacked-on move more than anything! And then there’s rolling in the game - like, you have to hold R and it’s only used in, like, four levels throughout the entire thing. I-It’s worthless!''

Therapist: ''Wait. There’s a roll in the game?''

[Everyone except Scott starts whooping and cheering. Rex slaps Scott on the back and he and Jeb high-five]

Therapist: ''WOO-HOO, YEAH! ROLL, BABY!''

Jeb: That’s f*ckin’ Gex!

Scott: ''Controlling the game works but I don’t find it fun - your moveset is moreso a means to get you to the end of the game rather than something I actively wanna use because it’s enjoyable. I mean, the game itself- it’s just Chibi-Robo going from point A to point B in the level, use your plug to do all kinds of things; kill enemies, latch on to areas- I can’t believe this game didn’t do well. You have plugs throughout the levels to recharge your health which gradually decreases throughout the level since you’re just on battery power. So, you plug in here but then can attach to these ORANGE things to fly up to higher ground. ...Why are they just orange things? What ARE orange things? Why aren’t they outlets? That’s one thing I just don’t get about this game; the art design context of everything and what the Hell they were going for.''

''So Chibi-Robo’s going on a journey throughout the world… we travel to Oceania, then North Africa, then the Caribbean, Europe, North America, the South Pole - real life places. So WHY are all levels so generic?! Why are they made out of BLOCKS?! Why is everything going for a low-polygon art style?! And where exactly am I in relation to these places?! Chibi-Robo’s a tiny robot- but I never feel that perspective in these stages. Sure, there might be a big hat or something in the background but most of the time, his size never amounts to anything in here!''

''The fact I’m in Europe doesn’t matter- these are just bland-looking stages that are just made up of f*cking TILES! Like, why do these levels look like they were made in a level creator? Just everything’s made up of blocks and if that’s REALLY the art style they were going for, why wasn’t Chibi-Robo redesigned to look more blocky to go along with the rest of the style? Why can I collect real world candies in the game that are designed realistically, but then the rest of the game looks. LIKE. THIS?!''

''But then the worlds I’m travelling to are real life locations! I’m supposed to actually believe this is Europe? But then when we’re about to fight a boss, Telly says “Oh, we’re about to fight World 1’s boss!” Like- who says that outside of a video game? That just feels lazy! Why couldn’t you just say “Oh man, this guy’s looking pretty tough!” NO-! “You’re about to fight the World 3 boss fight, sir- you are in a video game made of blocks even though we also like to act like you’re in real life Europe- here’s a realistic looking bag of Funyuns.”''

[It cuts back to the couch]

Rex: I personally… ENJOY how inconsistent the art style is.

Jeb: ''Yeah. Inconsistency is a fun quirk of Gex.''

Therapist: ''I think it really keeps you on your toes. Like a mouse.''

[The three agree with each other]

Jeb: Aw, yeah.

Rex: ''Yeah, yeah. Alright, yeah. Okay, I get it.''

Jeb: ''Okay. Alright. Yeah, yeah.''

Therapist: ...Yeah- yeah.

[As Scott talks, in the background, the therapist chugs a bottle]

Scott: ''How about- I think it’s confusing. None of this represents the fact that Chibi-Robo is a tiny robot which is his entire character, the block-based level design is putrid and this game just doesn’t know what it wants to be at ALL!''

[Everyone looks at Scott. It then cuts to the therapist sitting in front of the blue background around Scott’s desk, holding a clipboard and pen]

Therapist: ''So. Tell me where it all began.''

[Rex and Jeb are shown sitting on the desk]

Jeb: Oh, don’t even get me started!

Rex: I’m gonna need a priest.

Scott: ''So, we’ve got six worlds with six levels each in them. That doesn’t seem like a lot, but when we enter these levels, they really got around the lack of content here by making the levels never f*cking end. These stages take a good ten to twenty minutes to finish and with how there’s absolutely nothing interesting going on in them and how slow Chibi-Robo is, how slow the Zip Lash is to charge up, how limited the Whip Lash is - they feel a Hell of a lot longer. They’re beyond tedious! And it doesn’t help that this game just has a TON of collectibles hidden throughout the levels. They’re pointless. You have Chibi-Tots; they’re children. Big Coins; all these do is increase your score at the end of the level and there are so many of these things per stage I almost feel inclined to collect them but then I remember - these give you nothing, stop wasting your time, your time is valuable. And then I continue to play ten hours of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash.''

''Now, you do have those collectible snacks throughout the levels, too- the really realistic-lookin’ ones. You can nab these and then if you find a talking toy and give them all the snacks they want, you’ll unlock a costume. These talking toys are some of the only former resemblance this game has to actual Chibi-Robo games. Those titles had you meet up with wacky-looking characters. Eh- the toys are sort of that, but they just look completely out of place here. Like, it made sense when you’d see these things in the original game. They’re toys, you’re in a family’s house - do the math. Here, I’m just dicking around in the Caribbean and some toy’s randomly just hanging out in a portal. There’s no context to the place they're sitting in. It’s just… a place. There’s nothing going on here. Why are you here?''

''Why theme this entire game around a trip around the world when you aren’t actually going to make the stages look like they’re a part of that world and have random toys ask for snacks in them? Why not make this a 2D platformer taking place in a house or a school or something? That woulda forced the developers to think outside the box and try to design unique platforming stages around places like a kid’s room, a bathroom, a kitchen. Instead, they decided to go for a worldwide trip theme so they could just lazily use generic themes like grasslands, desert. They just went “Water level - we’re in the Caribbean!”''

[It returns to the couch. The therapist is drinking a Capri-Sun again. Scott is looking at the camera]

Scott: ANYWAYS.

Scott: ''The snacks you give to these toys are real world snacks and you get a giant advertisement told to you when you give them the food. Yes, this is blatant product placement and it’s even weirder based on how the rest of the game looks like this:''

[Gameplay of Chibi-Robo skateboarding is shown]

Scott: And then you find utz Cheese Curls and they look like that.

[Gameplay showing Chibi-Robo finding a very realistic-looking bag of utz Cheese Curls is shown]

Scott: ''To be fair, the snacks ARE from around the world and it doesn’t feel like advertising when it’s a foreign food. It’s moreso kinda just a ‘fun fact’ thing. But no matter what, this is obviously product placement at its worst- there’s no reason for this to be here! It doesn’t fit!''

''At least in a game like Pikmin 2, where there ARE real world objects in the game, 1- it fits more because Pikmin 2’s environments are supposed to look like the real world, it’s more realistic, and 2- they don’t openly advertise the products to you; they go “Oh! What’s this thing?” and they try to make sense of it themselves. It doesn’t feel like product placement in Pikmin 2 because the product placement ADDS to the experience. It makes it more realistic. Zip Lash pissed me off and makes me want Dots.''

[It cuts back to the couch. The therapist is inspecting a bottle]

Scott: ''SO! I hate how the game looks, the levels are incredibly boring and they go on forever, the product placement is completely out of place, the moveset is more cumbersome than fun - I don’t like it.''

Therapist: ''Well that sounds like somebody who hasn’t played enough of this game. Why don’t you play another five hours and come back to us?''

Rex: ''Yeah it’s a fine game. It’s not like the level progression’s locked behind one of the stupidest f*cking game mechanics you’ve EVER seen.''

[The therapist is drinking a Capri-Sun. Scott stares at Rex]

Scott: ...OH!

Scott: ''After you beat a stage, you have to spin the Destination Wheel. That sounds like fun! What does it do? Well it decides what stage you’re doin’ next! If you land on 1, you go to the next stage. If you land on 2, you go to the stage after the next. Now, you’ll still have to beat the stage you skipped over to progress. ...So what the f*ck is the point of jumPING ALL AROUND LIKE THIS?!''

''The six stages per world are set up like most 2D platformers - they gradually get harder the farther you go, so why make players play them out of order if that’s the case? And also all the stages are deliberately called “World 1-1”, “World 1-2”, “1-3”- there’s an OBVIOUS order to follow, here! WHY. Do I have. To spin. This wheel? The wheel isn’t meant to be fun. It’s meant to be a roadblock. Much like how the Whip Lash is limited and the Zip Lash is slow. Why wouldn’t I wanna go one stage at a time? I can’t see what any future stages are gonna contain. There’s no reason why I’d wanna play level 5 before level 3 so - why would I wanna skip around like this?!''

''Obviously, the game wants you to progress normally; The end of a level is symbolized by three UFOs- hitting the gold one gives you three Destination Wheel spins, silver gives you two, bronze gives you one. Obviously, you want the gold so you can guarantee you can keep spinnin’ the wheel to get the stage you want, as in… the next one in line. Because if you spin the wheel and it lands on a three, and, uh oh- you land on a stage you’ve already cleared… YOU HAVE TO PLAY. THROUGH IT. AGAIN!''

''The game knows this isn’t fun. Why else would they reward you with extra chances to spin by hitting the gold UFO? Why else would you be able to purchase wheel slots so you can get the exact number you want? ...Wait- WHAT THE F*CK IS THE POINT OF THIS THEN?! If I can just buy slots with the exact numbers I want with the coins I collect- that just defeats any and all purpose of the wheel! It’s just an annoying thing they added for the sake of being annoying! It doesn’t even make sense in the context of the GAME! At least things like the news broadcast you’re forced to watch in Splatoon… that may be annoying, but makes sense in the context of the game’s WORLD. A f*cking wheel DOESN’T. It’s even stupider that once you clear all the levels in the world and the boss appears… you still have to spin the wheel even when all the slots take you to the boss- what… is… WRONG with this game?!''

[It briefly cuts to the couch]

Rex: Not much.

Scott: ''Well I might as well go through all the worlds, I mean, what else is there to talk about? World 1 is Oceania and we got boring grassland stages, a stage where we’re on balloons and swinging back and forth brings it down, staying still brings it up.''

[It briefly cuts to the couch again]

Therapist: That saves the game right there.

Scott: ''World 1’s boss is a robot kangaroo thing. Fun. World 2 is North Africa. Basically the desert world of this game. We have a skateboard stage in here- I died twice and gave up. When you die twice or more, you can just clear stages with coins- I have no shame. This game is far from difficult - it’s incredibly easy - but if you happen to fall down a pit or something, starting back at the last checkpoint is grueling due to how slow everything is. I hate the idea of having to do everything in this game all over again. And if you lose all your energy, you have to restart the level. And for these vehicle gimmick stages, it’s really easy to get a game over because either your robot energy is being used by the vehicles, or just one screw-up is an immediate failure and you have to start the whole level over again- f*ck thumbs and anything that’s played this game.''

''The boss of this world is a snake-pharaoh thing - grab bombs and throw it in its mouth. Just getting the bombs over here takes a while and waiting for the snake to open up its mouth takes a while- this boss took 15 minutes to complete and I didn’t die at all, it just took a long time- I was considering giving up here. I considered giving up as soon as I left the womb but alas, here I am- World 3; the Caribbean. The ocean stage. Where Chibi-Robo pulls a Moses and parts the Red Sea.''

''There’s an ice Chibi-Robo power-up where we get to turn water into ice for a second. There’s also a fire Chibi-Robo power-up where we get to turn things on fire. But both of these pretty much equate to ‘hold right, you’ll demolish anything in your path.’ There’s a jet-ski thing and then this submarine… is one of the worst controlling things humanity has ever created. It is so slow… and delayed. It is a submarine. It should feel slightly slow and delayed. ...But this is SO SLOW and delayed. I-It’s just not fun. Like 90 percent of what this game does, they force these little irritations in there. They could’ve made this game, at the very least, fun to control- but for SOME REASON they think adding an annoying thing to every controllable aspect of this game is good game design. And then the boss of this world- you use the damn SUBMARINE AGAIN!''

''World 4 is… Europe or- the forest, where it’s just the same 2D platforming again, the return of the stupid balloon thing- I skipped this one- the boss is bats. World 5 is North America- alright, homefield advantage. This is an industrial world- lot of factories. Another skateboard level. I skipped this one. The boss is… this. And World 6 is the South Pole. ...The South. Pole. It’s really weird the final levels are snow-themed. ...It’s even weirder half of them are lava-themed. So I guess the idea is that the aliens have done so much damage to the world that the South Pole is on fire, maybe- or MAYBE they just decided to slap real-world places on the names of these worlds at the last-minute. The controls… in this world… oh… Christ God.''

''I actually usually like ice worlds in games… the physics are generally tolerable to me and I enjoy the winter aesthetic but HERE - the controls are terrible. It’s not only slippery, but everything is so delayed and slower than ever before- this is unbearable! There’s another jet-ski stage- skipped it- I kept running out of battery power and got two game overs and didn’t have the energy myself to figure out what I was doing wrong. World randomly throws you a lava stage halfway through. ...Goes back to an ice theme and then another lava theme.''

''The… final boss. Oh my Go- I don’t know if I’m happy I finally finished this game and can actively call it a piece of sh*t or if I’m sad I stooped to the level of beating Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash. The boss is a giant alien ship- we grab the tiny alien UFOs, they become laser guns and we have to shoot all the bright spots on the ship in the background. ...Honestly the best fight in the game. It’s a decent fight, not hard at all, but I think it was a neat little change of pace. But of course… this wasn’t the final boss… there’s a FINAL final boss! We have to build a giant Chibi-Robo robot to fight it… and now…''

''...We have to buy the pieces to make the robot. ...This money I’ve collected… has had no use… outside of skipping levels… buying number panels… and buying items throughout the stage if you needed them… I did not. But right before… the final boss… you’re telling me… I had to be grinding for coins… this ENTIRE. TIME. Why not make it so that every boss fight, you have to purchase things so it gets in my Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash-beating head that I might need to save up coins for the FINAL BOSS?! I only had enough coins for the head. Now I have to go back through the game… and grind for 20,000 coins to buy body parts… to beat the final boss… I. Am f*cking. Fun.''

[It briefly returns to the couch. The therapist holds a can in on hand and points at Scott with the other]

Therapist: ''YOU... should probably get on that.''

Scott: I-I can use the amiibo…

[He flips over a Chibi-Robo amiibo to read the copyright information on the figure’s base]

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo’s still partially owned by Bandai- I’m still not happy. We can get World 7- Asia- with it by scanning it in, it’s a bonus world and… oh my Go- why didn’t the rest of the game look like this? I mean, there are still blocks but this looks so much more appealing than the rest of the game. You can level up our Chibi-Robo amiibo and become SUPER Chibi-Robo, which is just a slightly powered-up Chibi-Robo… I- I-I-I- don’t know what else to say, man. I don’t wanna play through hours more of this game just to get coins for a final boss I’m not gonna like. ...So-''

[The scene changes to show Scott in front of his computer. Rex is sitting behind Scott with Jeb and the therapist stood behind him. They all watch the computer. It shows they are watching a YouTube video of gameplay of the final boss and ending of Zip Lash]

Scott: I can see where the budget went.

Therapist: You know, it all comes together in the end.

Rex: I mean, I like the game, but now I really like it.

Jeb: Gex.

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash is not a good game. It’s a painfully generic 2D platformer and spits in the face of what the original Chibi-Robo represented and showcases my problems with some modern Nintendo games. It felt like it was talking down to the consumers - “Oh, people don’t like this- but they’ll like this- a boring, annoying 2D platformer with terrible art design and no idea what it wants to be.” The levels are designed alright, the game functions, but is that really enough to call a game okay? No - there’s no reason to play this game and it annoys me that they held the series hostage over this thing’s success. I don’t think Skip developed much of this game- the developer Vanpool is in the credits and looking at their history with games-''

[The Wikipedia page for Vanpool and their games is shown]

Scott: -like Wii Play Motion and the minigames in Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga… I feel like they primarily developed this game and Skip kinda just oversaw it.

[He is shown holding the boxes for Animal Crossing: amiibo Festival, Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash and Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash in one hand against the floor]

Scott: ''Comparing these three games is tough but I easily dislike Zip Lash the-the most. They’re all terrible, but amiibo Festival has some dumb sarcastic fun to be had in it and Ultra Smash, at its core, has a fine base for a Mario Tennis game. Zip Lash… every element of it… I have problems with. And as I progress through the game… it just irritated me more and more. It was painful to play through, this game slogs on and on. It’s not fun. Every aspect of the gameplay, they added an annoying element for seemingly no reason other than to just… be… annoying! I have no idea why they did any of this considering they wanted Chibi-Robo to be a success- throw in a Destination Wheel! Chibi-Robo’s future is on the line! It’s been five years since I bought this… and even though I’m 97% finished… I’m done. ...And I think I’ve played enough to consider this… my least favorite game… of all time. It. Blows.''

[It returns to the group in front of the computer. Scott is holding the 3DS]

Therapist: Seems a little harsh- acting like you hate the game or something.

Scott: I do!

Rex: But you said the level design’s alright- you must love the game, then.

[Scott gets up from his chair. He stands in front of his closet to talk to them all]

Scott: ''Just because a game doesn’t inherently have terrible level design, or… any major bugs or glitches… that doesn’t mean it’s fine- it just means it works. Just because a game works, doesn't mean it’s good. I… don’t like playing this game! I hate what it stands for! I don’t like that they made fans of Chibi-Robo buy this with the hope of Chibi-Robo having a future. I don’t like that they thought so low of people and consumers, thinking that they’ll love this generic, terrible, 2D platformer. I. Don’t. LIKE this game!''

Rex: You know, when you put it that way - I kinda like the idea of this game being terrible.

[The therapist is taking the cap off a bottle]

Therapist: ''Yeah. And as a therapist, therapy generally moves the quickest when I agree with everything the patient has to say.''

[He is shown opening another bottle and drinking it]

Jeb: Gex will be Gex!

Scott: You know… I’ve had a ritual for the past three years or so.

[He has a flashback. Scott is shown throwing Zip Lash into a toilet, originally from A Look Back at the Nintendo 3DS. However, the other occasions shown are new and not from previous episodes]

Scott: This game blows!

[Another clip shows Scott, wearing a blue-gray hoodie, throwing Zip Lash into the toilet]

Scott: This game blows!

[Another clip shows Scott, wearing a gray sweater with dark red sleeves, throwing Zip Lash into the toilet]

Scott: This game blows!

[The final clip shows Scott, wearing a red hoodie, throwing Zip Lash into the toilet]

Scott: This game blows!

[The flashback ends]

Scott: ''As much as I like that, I think I want to end this - now. How can we take each and every one of the Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash games in existence and eliminate each and every one of them?''

[The camera cuts to show a copy of Zip Lash floating in the toilet. The scene then changes to outside. Scott is standing next to a manhole cover. He points at it]

Scott: We’re swimmin’ with rats.

[Rex, Jeb and the therapist are shown standing in a row]

Rex: ''Can’t swim, love rats. I’m in.''

Jeb: More of a lizard guy.

Therapist: I’m DEATHLY afraid of circles.

Scott: ''C’mon, guys- I have thrown 95% of Zip Lash’s population down the toilet over the past three years. If we go down there right now, we can finish them off before they ever resurface.''

Therapist: I have as much confidence in this as I have facial hair.

Scott: You have facial hair.

Therapist: WHERE?!

[He covers his moustache with one hand]

Jeb: ''Well I’m in. You know what they say- W-W-G-D.''

Scott: ’What Would Gex Do’?

Jeb: The G stands for Jesus.

Scott: Alright- Rex.

[He points at him. The camera cuts and Rex is shown rapidly sprinting away from the group]

Scott: Well the revolution isn’t for everybody.

Therapist: ''Oh- I dropped something down the toilet last week. Remind me to look for it.''

[Eerie music begins to play as the camera cuts to show an eerie sewer tunnel. The color drains as a shot of Scott and Rex walking next to a concrete wall fades over it. It then cuts to the therapist also walking underneath a bridge. Footage of a cave ceiling is shown. It cuts to Scott looking around and then Jeb walking over dirt. Color returns as a scene of Scott wading through water fades in. He looks around. He is followed by Jeb and the therapist. The therapist walks up to something floating in the water]

Therapist: OH-!

[He picks it up]

Therapist: There are my jeans!

[He holds up his water-soaked jeans and grins at the other two]

Scott: Okay, so keep an eye out for these games.

Jeb: What does it look like again?

Scott: Uh… hard to describe… shapes, four sides, colors…

Therapist: ''Does it have ‘Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash’ on it?''

[Scott claps his hands together]

Scott: Yes!

[The therapist points down]

Therapist: There they are.

[Copies of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash are shown floating downstream around their legs]

Scott: I just thought that’s what water looked like now!

[He quickly ducks down and fishes a copy out of the water, looking at the back of the box. Jeb looks at the game over Scott’s shoulder]

Jeb: [frowning] Weird name for Gex.

[The camera shows the floating copies of Zip Lash start to swirl in a circle]

Jeb: Why are the copies circling around?

[The copies are shown circling again before they begin to coalesce. The therapist is shown holding his head with his hands in distress]

Therapist: I F*CKING HATE CIRCLES!

[The mass of copies is shown shifting and swirling. Suddenly, a brown, tentacle-like appendage sprouts from the water. The copies swarm over the tentacle. The therapist, Scott and Jeb watch cautiously as the appendage shifts and grows. The camera cuts to show that the copies of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash have formed a tall, brown, slightly bulbous creature that is covered in copies of the game. It’s skin writhes. It cuts to show the creature’s shadow looming over the trio]

Therapist: All the copies you’ve thrown down the toilet over the past three years have become… sentient?

Scott: That’s why my plumber f*cking hated me.

Jeb: Guys, c’mon- Gex wouldn’t do this - right Gex?

[He grins and points at the creature. Dramatic music plays and the other two watch in shock as the creature sprouts a tentacle, which reaches down and takes Jeb. The creature is shown retracting the tentacle. The therapist points at the creature]

Therapist: IT’S THE ANTI-GEX!

[Scott also points as he yells]

Scott: NO, IT’S JUST A SEWER MONSTER COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF COPIES OF ZIP LASH!

Therapist: ...I’m going with ‘The Anti-Gex’.

[It cuts to show the creature as Jeb’s echoey voice comes from it]

Jeb: Even ‘The Anti-Gex’ has the word ‘Gex’ in it.

Therapist: Now that’s what I call a good point.

[Suddenly, the dramatic music swells as another tentacle takes the therapist. Scott watches in horror. The creature is shown sprouting three tentacles from it’s sides and top which form three-fingered hands at the ends. Scott stumbles backwards and begins to run away from the monster as its shadow looms over him. The camera cuts farther away to show Scott running to the left, away from the creature which is gliding after him in the water. Scott turns around repeatedly to look at him. The camera cuts closer again as Scott turns around. The creature has stopped and a funnel-like appendage forms at its center. It spits at Scott, shooting a copy of Zip Lash at him, which he barely catches. He tosses the game back at the monster, but the copy just bounces off it. Scott starts running left again. It cuts to Scott running towards the camera and then him coming to a stop. The creature looms again. Scott points at it. Behind Scott, Rex is seen jogging in the water to him]

Scott: ''I’m tired of this! You’re a terrible game! But that doesn’t mean I wont overcome you - I’m better than that!''

[Rex stops running and doubles over, winded, just behind Scott, who notices and turns around]

Scott: You’re back…?

Rex: ''I needed energy…

[He pulls a corndog out of the wrapper he is holding]

Rex: And ammo.

[He takes a bite from the corndog before throwing it at the monster. The music stops and the corndog bounces off the creature anticlimactically. Rex and Scott stare at it. Rex claps his hands together]

Rex: ...So what’s the game plan here?

[The music starts again as yet another tentacle reaches out and takes Rex. Scott watches in disbelief again. The monster sprouts an arm again and flexes its fingers. It sprouts another arm as it dives towards Scott, grabbing his arms]

Scott: What the Hell IS the game plan here?!

[It cuts to show the creature again as Rex’s echoey voice comes from it]

Rex: What’s the exact opposite of this thing?

Jeb: Not Gex, that’s for sure.

[Scott thinks for a moment]

Scott: No… no, I think it’s Gex.

[He pulls one arm away from the monster and takes the copy of Gex from his pocket that he put there earlier. He slaps it against the creature. Dramatically, the creature is shown expanding before the music stops and it pops with a squelch. The scene cuts back to the couch, where the group of four are all sitting, covered in blood and staring into the distance]

Rex: ...Heh- you know, I’ve always wondered what trauma felt like.

[He turns to show the right side of his face is drenched in blood. It cuts to Scott, who gently shakes his head before he addresses the group]

Scott: ''...Thanks. Thanks for sticking it out with me. I- I-I got it all outta my system. Nintendo had a BAD 2015 but that doesn’t mean I should let it affect my mental health. And… so what if somebody likes a game I dislike? It doesn’t matter - they’re wrong anyways!''

Therapist: ''It’s been an honor serving you. I can finally tell you why you’re so messed up in the head. After playing a game as good as Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash, it’ll definitely make you feel inadequate.''

[Scott stares at him. He sniffs]

Scott: Sure.

Therapist: ''You can rip up that raincheck for therapy I had with you. I’m good on my own now. I think I’m gonna start my own therapy business… call it the ‘Think Barrel’.''

Rex: Ah, good on you.

[He turns to face the camera]

Rex: I love seeing therapists start their own business.

Scott: ''Yeah! Uh… what was your name?''

Therapist: Dr. Attricks, but you can call me Jerry.

Scott: Thank you Dr. Jerry Attricks… you know, I still have this on me.

[He pulls out the copy of Gex]

Jeb: ''Oh my God- for real?! Oh yes! We’re turning this Gex night into a Gex year!''

[ [Scott The Woz Ending Theme - Chibi Robo! Zip Lash Rearrangement] begins to play as the Gex opening cutscene is shown on the TV screen. It cuts to show the couch, with Scott holding a controller. Jeb looks at him]

Jeb: What the f*ck is this?!

[Wipes to blue. The “The Dark Age of Nintendo” title appears. “DIRECTED, WRITTEN AND EDITED BY SCOTT WOZNIAK” appears bit-by-bit in time with the music. The credits roll. It wipes to black as the credits music ends]

[End.]

Trivia

 * The video was teased at the end of Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash | The Darker Age of Nintendo.
 * The video was delayed by 3 days as Wozniak wanted to make the episode "as good as possible."
 * 30 minutes prior to the video's premiere, Wozniak Tweeted that the episode was going to premiere in 30 minutes.
 * After the episode's release, Wozniak went on a 6-week break.
 * The back cover of the copy of Gex: Enter the Gecko that appears in the episode is the back cover of Bubsy 3D, hence why it's back isn't shown.
 * Matthew Smart, a moderator on the Scott The Woz YouTube channel, commented "​@M10 It's a gecko with sunglasses.", "​The therapist has lost it.", "​@8-Bit Gabe Yo.", ​"No man should have that much Zip-Lash.", "HE SAID IT", "​Bring Captain Rainbow back!", and "​Thank God store exclusive games are gone." during the live chat.