The Dark Age of Nintendo (Complete Series)

The Dark Age of Nintendo (Complete Series) is the 8th episode of Extras. This video compiles all 3 episodes of The Dark Age of Nintendo into 1 video. The video was uploaded on October 9, 2020, on Scott The Woz by Scott Wozniak.

Description
Scott hates himself for one hour and forty-six minutes in this retrospective of Nintendo in 2015 and compilation of "The Dark Age of Nintendo" trilogy.

Characters

 * Jerry Attricks
 * Scott Wozniak
 * Rex Mohs
 * Jeb Jab
 * Unnamed Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash sewer monster

Credits

 * Scott Wozniak as Scott Wozniak
 * Justin Womble as Jerry Attricks
 * Eric Turney as Rex Mohs
 * Sam Essig as Jeb Jab
 * Directed by Scott Wozniak
 * Written by Scott Wozniak
 * Edited by Scott Wozniak
 * Logo design by Nico Vliek
 * Original music by Nicholas Karr, Garrett Williamson, Chase Akters, Joshua Taipale

Plot
WIP

The episode begins by showing text reading "Scott Wozniak Presents", which is followed by the Scott The Woz logo, which is followed by The Dark Age of Nintendo logo. After the opening credits, a building is shown. A sign denoting that the building is named Therapy: The Therapy, which is then followed with Scott Wozniak speaking to Jerry Attricks inside the building.

Music
WIP

End Cards

 * Best of Scott The Woz 2019
 * The WiiWare Chronicles (Complete Series)
 * Devil's Third | Nintendo's Adopted Abomination

Gallery
WIP

Transcript
[The video opens with a black screen. Rain is heard and eerie music begins to play. The words “SCOTT WOZNIAK PRESENTS” appear and fade out. The Scott The Woz logo appears and also fades out. The music rises before the “The Dark Age of Nintendo” title appears with a flash of lightning in front of a rainy, gray sky. It transitions into a shot of the outside of a house with a fade. A closer shot shows a sign attached to the brick of the wall which says “Therapy: The Therapy”, “Therapist’s Office”, “DEFINITELY LICENSED. DEFINITELY THERAPY.” It cuts to black and the music ends. The scene then cuts to show a therapist seated on an armchair holding a clipboard and pen]

Therapist: ''So. Tell me where it all began.''

[The camera shows Scott Wozniak lying on a couch. He sighs]

Scott: Alright.

[He gets up and sits on the edge of the couch]

Scott: ''Hi. My name is Scott and I’m… not an alcoholic.''

Therapist: My name isn’t Scott and this isn’t an meeting.

Scott: ''Oh, thank God! I always hated those- I always felt out of place; I wish they would make ‘em more accessible to non alcoholics.''

Therapist: You’re stalling!

Scott: I’m sitting.

Therapist: We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Scott: I’m paying you!

Therapist: With a coupon!

[He holds said coupon up]

Scott: You don’t know what it’s like to go to therapy!

Therapist: ''Hey, I gotta life outside of this job. I go to therapy twice a week.''

Scott: ''You’re a therapist! Where do you go to therapy?!''

Therapist: The mirror.

Scott: Alright, fine…!

[He pauses]

Scott: It all started at my desk.

[It briefly cuts to Scott at his desk]

Scott: Hey all, Scott here.

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Therapist: So is this the first time you introduced yourself like that or is this a recurring thing?

Scott: Pretty much every week.

[It cuts back to the desk]

Scott: Saaay… do you want me to play three of Nintendo’s worst games of all time to end up wasting thousands of dollars in therapy?

[It cuts back to the therapy session again]

Therapist: That was some incredible foresight.

[Scott is now lying down on the couch with his legs crossed]

Scott: I plan my year ahead of time.

[It cuts to black]

Scott: Picture this:

[Sonic Boom Rise of Lyric is shown]

Scott: ''Making bad games. It’s like making bad water.''

[He shows a cup of water that he has filled with pepper. He knocks it over onto the floor]

Scott: ''It’s almost impossible. But some people just can’t help themselves! Almost every video game company has stumbled at some point - whether they had to rush a title out for release or just weren’t focused enough during development, mistakes happen and one bad or misguided game doesn’t mean an entire studio’s talentless or doomed. Just because SEGA made one ‘oopsie’-''

[Nights Journey of Dreams is shown]

Scott: -doesn’t mean they’ll make another one any time soon.

[Sonic Boom Rise of Lyric, Aliens Colonial Marines, Golden Axe Beast Rider, Sonic the Hedgehog (2006), Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz, Valkyria Revolution and Sonic Forces all appear]

Scott: ''...Bad example. But regardless of how many stinkers are put out each and every year, people will always hold certain developers and publishers in the HIGHEST regards. These studios can NEVER make a bad game! They always push for quality, they always care about their products and you will NEVER… be disappointed… in what they make. One of these companies… is Nintendo - a developer and publisher widely believed to put out nothing… but quality titles.''

[It cuts to Scott at his desk, holding a large notepad]

Scott: I’ve finally figured out what this statement is!

[He turns around the notepad he is holding to show the words “A LIE.” written on it]

Scott: ''Listen, I love this company; Nintendo is my favorite game studio of all time - I love most of their games, their developers, their philosophies, their style, their history… they are, to me, the most interesting player in the video game industry. And their level of quality since their inception has yet to be matched… It's simply astonishing how time and time again they’ve been able to create so many experiences that are considered genre-defining- and consistently, at that. From the original Super Mario Bros. in 1985 to The Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild in 2017… they’ve been THE studio to look up to. ...BUT there’s sort of a misconception to many that Nintendo doesn’t make bad games. The idea many push that “Nintendo always puts the most quality possible into each and every game they release. They never rush things. They never go for quick cash-grabs.”... THAT is hilarious- will you be here all week? I love this company but I’m more than willing to point out their shortcomings. And one year I felt that harder than any other year… 2015.''

''This was during the WiiU and Nintendo 3DS era- the anti-renaissance. Definitely not their strongest in terms of sales and revenue. Nintendo’s handheld business has always been their most successful, and while the 3DS was doing well… it wasn’t nearly as big of a breakout hit as the Nintendo DS or GameBoy line of systems. And then there was the WiiU! Also known as... “What?” Yeah, that wasn’t doing all too hot so Nintendo decided “F**k it. Let’s give up.”''

[A news article headlined “Nintendo to develop mobile games” is shown]

Scott: ''Up until this point, investors were dogging on the company quite a bit to put their titles on smartphones. Their idea was:''

[He shows Angry Birds 2 on his phone]

Scott: “Angry Birds is doing it- why not Starfy?”

[He shows The Legendary Starfy]

Scott: ''But Nintendo was always stern about keeping their games on their devices- especially considering mobile gaming was a threat to dedicated handhelds like the 3DS. However, in March of 2015, the company officially announced that sinning was on the schedule. It just made sense to develop mobile games. At this time the 3DS was mostly appealing to just core fans and the WiiU appealed to just me. Nintendo’s brand wasn’t as widely recognisable as it could be in this era, so they decided: “Let’s make a sh*tty Mario Kart game for smartphones in 2019”. But did the switch to mobile games mean Nintendo was going to put an end to console development? GOD, no! Because, they announced development of a future console at the same time - the Nintendo NX. So that meant in 2015, not only were WiiU and 3DS titles being developed, but mobile and ‘NX’ games as well. Nintendo was obviously being stretched a bit thin, here… the Nintendo NX wasn’t going to be released until March of 2017 but they were feverishly working on it in the background to ensure THIS-''

[A WiiU is shown]

Scott: ''-Doesn’t happen again. But they still had to put out WiiU and 3DS games and with some of their titles getting delayed a bit from a 2015 launch… they had to scramble. They had to whip up games that reused old assets, had little content to ‘em or were just ungodly simple so they could have products to sell that year. This went on from 2015 to 2016. Low quality spin-offs that barely anybody wanted or games that showed promise that ended up completely under-delivering. I’d say 2016 had less going on… just overall the amount of titles released wasn’t that high and the quality… wasn’t much higher. But this problem started the year prior.''

''It was weird because 2015 no doubt had some great games developed and/or published by Nintendo. Splatoon, Super Mario Maker, Yoshi’s Woolly World, Xenoblade Chronicles X - but we also had Devil’s Third, Pokémon Super Mystery Dungeon, Mario Party 10, Mario VS Donkey Kong Tipping Stars, Animal Crossing Happy Home Designer, Little Battlers Experience, amiibo Tap, The Legend of Zelda Tri Force Heroes, Code Name: S.T.E.A.M - ALL getting anywhere from mixed to negative reception from critics and fans alike. Tri Force Heroes and Happy Home Designer were okay in my opinion. Devil’s Third had its moments and I always put Mario Party 10 on the shelf like this:''

[He shows Mario Party 10 on the shelf facing backwards]

Scott: ''I never wanna see those three words together ever again. These games, while not terrible, just… didn’t have the same level of quality as what I came to expect from Nintendo. They all felt a bit soulless in one way or another. Like, these weren’t made because “Oh, we wanna do this!” instead more like “Oh, we need a Zelda game this year!”. However…''

[Three silhouettes of games are shown]

Scott: There were three games released in 2015 I believe to be nearly irredeemable; Some of the biggest mistakes Nintendo’s ever made; Games I consider to make up… The Dark Age of Nintendo.

[It cuts back to the therapy session. The therapist shrugs]

Therapist: Big deal.

Scott: That is… the best thing a therapist could say to me.

Therapist: You shouldn’t let the products of a multi-billion dollar children’s company affect your mental health.

Scott: You don’t understand - I have to play most Luigi-based products!

[It cuts back to him at his desk]

Scott: ''Well I think it’s a good time to practice anything but sobriety! So, let’s take a look at three of Nintendo’s worst games of all time - which, weirdly enough, all released within two months of each other. First one we should tackle-''

[He holds up Animal Crossing amiibo Festival]

Scott: -is -

[He screams]

Scott: Animal Crossing amiibo Festival - the rise of the machines.

[The WiiU gamepad is shown. The screen says “Touch an Animal Crossing amiibo to the NFC touchpoint.”]

Scott: “Touch an amiibo”...?

[He touches an Isabelle amiibo to the NFC touchpoint. It dings and he yells in fear, throwing the amiibo]

Scott: ''So, a little backstory; Animal Crossing. ...One of the most comfortable gaming experiences in the county. It’s just life! You collect stuff to get money to pay off your loan to buy more stuff- it’s depressing. This is what life is, why do I like this? Truth be told, I am far from being one of the bigger Animal Crossing fans out there. It’s not that I don’t like the series - far from it. I just haven’t played each entry to death like many others have. But the games I HAVE played… are SO relaxing and cosy. They’re just fun to boot up, run a few little errands, turn it off and depress for the rest of the day.''

[He is shown leaning on his desk]

Scott: ''There was a bit of criticism directed towards the series for a while, there, though. See, it initially released on the Nintendo 64 in Japan only - that version made its way to the GameCube worldwide with a few extra enhancements… but it was still the same game at heart. Then when Wild World came to the DS, many noted it was pretty similar to the GameCube one with a few enhancements added. City Folk released on the Wii and it was pretty similar to the DS one with a few enhancements added. Where were the changes-?''

[The Animal Crossing amiibo Festival title screen is shown]

Scott: ''-F*CK! GO BACK! These games kept adding on to each other but not enough for some to be all too thrilled… but then New Leaf for the 3DS came out and it changed up enough to be a breath of fresh air for everybody. You were the mayor of your town - you could change so much about your village! It’s the one thing Animal Crossing needed and they finally did it - government intervention! New Leaf was a tremendous success and all signs were pointing to the next iteration of Animal Crossing releasing on WiiU around 2015. I mean, it had to happen…! Right…?''

''I mean, in 2013, Nintendo released this app called Animal Crossing Plaza on the system. It was all these characters in HD and you could create MiiVerse posts about them for others around the world to read. Considering this free app was made so 3DS owners who played New Leaf could talk about the game only on WiiU, a platform that did not have an Animal Crossing game, was only available for a year until it was discontinued and can no longer be accessed…''

Scott: I smell pointless!

Scott: ''It was, by all accounts, the MiiVerse Plaza- that thing that appears when you boot up your WiiU, showing all these Miis and what people are saying about different games- …it was that… but for Animal Crossing characters. Like you could say “Aw, f*ck! I love this guy’s pants!” and then others could respond with “Why am I on this app?” I think the main take-away from this… thing… was that Nintendo produced all these HD quality models of the Animal Crossing characters. I think it was pretty evident that this was a test when it came to developing an HD game in the series. However, nothing initially came of this; New Leaf kept selling, Animal Crossing Plaza kept not getting used… and all was right with the world.''

''But then in 2014, Nintendo announced and released ‘amiibo’- figures with NFC chips in their base that allowed you to scan them in to supported games via the WiiU gamepad, and eventually the 3DS, to play with the character or unlock extra goodies. It launched with Super Smash Bros. for WiiU and was a tremendous success. Mainly because they released amiibo of all characters; Smash Bros. is a crossover of every series under the sun so everybody was interested in the line to some extent. This meant in the following year, Nintendo would lean heavily into Satan’s plastic. More lines of amiibo like Super Mario, Splatoon, Yoshi’s Woolly World, were all put out and did very well… but the actual use of these things in games was… always non-essential. In Smash Bros., you could scan a figure to fight it, raise it, and level it up as your own little Smash Bros. prodigy. That was pretty much the furthest they ever went with implementing it. Mario Party 10- you’d use ‘em in amiibo Party Mode, where you scan an amiibo to roll the dice.''

[Mario Party 10 is thrown onto a floor]

Scott: ''Yoshi’s Woolly World and Mario Maker- you could scan a bunch of different ones to get costumes, which was awesome… But not all amiibo were supported in every game. It was kind of up in the air which amiibo would be supported in which games. So I think we were all expecting a game to be released that took full advantage of amiibo; a game that couldn’t exist without it.''

Scott: [fearfully] We should have known better.

Scott: ''But in the back of everybody’s mind, we were also thinking another thing: “New Animal Crossing game for WiiU… with Animal Crossing amiibo support.” It was so perfect - it just HAD to happen! Animal Crossing was a game so focused on collecting and hundreds of different characters. Introducing figures? That just made a ton of sense. Well, Nintendo jumped on this fairly quickly and April of 2015 we got Animal Crossing amiibo cards, announced alongside a spin-off title for 3DS - Happy Home Designer. ...This was a sign.''

''They were building up to a WiiU game, I could smell it, and Happy Home Designer would interact with it somehow- they weren’t pulling a fast one on me; I eat virginity for breakfast- I GET these things. E3 2015 came around- guess what leaked beforehand? BOOM - Animal Crossing amiibo figures. It was happening. Nintendo’s E3 2015 digital event kicked off… halfway through, a Happy Home Designer trailer played then those glorious words “World Premiere” flew up on screen- cuts to a WiiU gamepad.''

[Scott is shown at his desk. He jumps forwards in excitement]

Scott: Holy sh*t.

Scott: And… an Animal Crossing figure gets scanned onto it…!

Scott: HOLY SH*T!

Scott: ''Animal Crossing’s on WiiU! I called it! I CALLED IT!”''

[The E3 2015 Animal Crossing amiibo Festival trailer plays for about 14 seconds. It then cuts to Scott looking painfully distressed at the camera. It then cuts back to the therapy session]

Therapist: So you got incredibly depressed over the announcement… of a game… in a series… that you aren’t even a huge fan of to begin with in the first place?

Scott: [smiling] That’s right.

[The therapist stares blankly at Scott for a moment. It cuts to him standing in front of his mirror, yelling into it]

Therapist: WHO THE F*CK IS THIS GUY?!

[It cuts to show carpet]

Scott: On your left you will see-

[The camera swivels to the left to show paper reading “ANIMAL CROSSING AMIIBO FESTIVAL E3 TRAILER]

Scott: -no doubt, one of the worst and tone-deaf video game announcements of all time.

Scott: You can’t tell me somebody at Nintendo didn’t realize what opening a trailer with this shot insinuates.

[The opening shot of the trailer (An Isabelle amiibo figure being tapped on the WiiU gamepad) is shown]

Scott: Nobody goes:

[The trailer is shown playing on a TV. Scott waves his hand at it as he talks]

Scott: ''“Oh my God! An Animal Crossing board game?!” Because that’s what it was. A party game that used amiibo figures to roll the dice.''

[Mario Party 10 is thrown onto a floor again]

Scott: ''Nearly everybody was disappointed and confused but while this wasn’t what I wanted in the slightest… I had higher hopes than I think some did. And the idea of an Animal Crossing party game wasn’t bad. ...That’s all it had going for it. The idea wasn’t bad. Because, my God, not only was this game’s announcement a disappointment, the gameplay shown… What is this? Later on at E3, tidbits about why the game existed were coming out… one of them being how the developers just wanted a reason for Animal Crossing amiibo to exist.''

Scott: I can think of worse reasons for the apocalypse.

Scott: ''Another one- albeit, this was just a Nintendo of America employee kinda just talkin’ up the game a bit on the E3 Treehouse stream- was that they said it was nice to have an Animal Crossing game that didn’t require reading to enjoy. ...Most of this game is text. Suffice to say, amiibo Festival was not received well; it just sorta got announced and then released later that November. Nothing really came out about the game until a Nintendo Direct in November highlighted it. ...A day before it released. There was a rumor floating around about the game being a free download and you’d just need to buy an Animal Crossing figure to experience it.''

[It cuts back to the desk. He holds up his Animal Crossing amiibo Festival box]

Scott: [musically] Sixty dollars that I spent!

Scott: ''So this is Animal Crossing amiibo Festival - it comes in this box with two amiibo figures and three amiibo cards in this nice little envelope. Now, apparently Digby here was only available for a limited time - future releases of the bundle wouldn’t include him. ...If only the game sold well enough to warrant them doing that. Amiibo Festival bombed. Stores are still putting it out on clearance to this very day. Like I said, the original plan was to phase Digby out of the bundle - but that never happened because I think stores are still trying to sell the initial batch of the game from 2015. Well, there are other Animal Crossing amiibo that launched alongside it… might as well nab a few to get the full experience.''

[A list of Animal Crossing amiibo figures from the inside of the game box is shown. This includes Isabelle, K.K., Mabel, Tom Nook, Digby, Lottie, Reese and Cyrus. It then cuts to him at his desk. He has ten Animal Crossing amiibo figures set out]

Scott: I didn’t even try and I own nearly all of ‘em.

Scott: ''All I did was go to Five Below, a GameStop and a quick dabble on eBay and here we are. Under sixty dollars later, I own pretty much all of these except for Rover, Celeste and smrIsabelle-grrrrr…! These figures also rot in clearance bins. Nintendo definitely expected them to fly off the shelves like the Smash Bros. line did… but they didn’t understand that - 1. That line appealed to everybody because it included dozens of different game franchises. Animal Crossing, while incredibly popular, only appeals to Animal Crossing fans, and - 2. Nobody wanted figures that were only useful in a bad game. So you can pretty much find all of these for dirt cheap - I mean, I know I did! Five bones a piece at Five Below- where garbage goes to die. I picked up two packs of Animal Crossing amiibo cards as well… these did far better, sales-wise. They got up to four different series released. I assume it’s because collecting hundreds of Animal Crossing cards is a lot more fun and addicting than buying one figure. So, opening these up I got:''

[He cuts open a packet and now holds a stack of cards. He names them as he reads the card off the top and throws it aside. He has: Chief, Bella, Limberg, Jitters, Lopez, Luna, Benjamin, Lionel, Deena, Gigi, Kyle and Tom Nook]

Scott: Shirt Wolf, Spunk Rat, Unemployed Mouse, Insomnia Duck, Better-Than-Me Gazelle, Bride of an Aardvark, Self-Conscious Dog, Ye-Olde Lion, Hair Duck, Sex Frog, Kyle and Mammal.

[It cuts to him at his desk, holding the cards]

Scott: Alright, so now I own multiple Animal Crossing amiibo cards, I have nearly all of the Animal Crossing amiibo figures, and the game is officially in my WiiU.

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Scott: And then… It happened.

Therapist: The gout?

Scott: No.

[The camera zooms dramatically into his face]

Scott: Virginity.

[The game booting up on the WiiU is shown. The title music plays and the title screen appears]

Scott: ''Alright!- “Tap an amiibo on the WiiU gamepad!”... let’s go with Spunk Rat!''

[He holds the card for Bella up to the NFC touchpoint. On the gamepad, the game pops up a message saying “Touch an Animal Crossing series amiibo figure.”]

Scott: ''It’s gonna be one of those games, isn’t it? ...This is an amiibo! Why can’t I enter?''

Scott: ''Alright, fine! We’ll try Clearance Otter.''

[He scans the amiibo figure for Lottie instead. It cuts to an image of a large quantity of Lottie amiibo figures on a store shelf]

Scott: If you ever wanted an otter on clearance, buy a Lottie amiibo.

Scott: Tapping a figure brings us to the plaza - our main option here is the board game.

[It cuts to the desk again]

Scott: ''Well I couldn’t possibly play Animal Crossing amiibo Festival by myself- what do I look like? A f*ckin’ loser? I at least need to play Animal Crossing amiibo Festival… with one other person.''

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: ''Oh. F*ck no. F*ck no! I’M NOT PLAYING IT! NO! NO!''

Scott: I’m telling the story in past tense.

[It cuts to Scott at his desk. He is holding his phone to his ear]

Scott: I am forwarding this message to everybody in my contacts list - if you stop by tonight we can play-

[He stops and looks at his hand. He has written “WHEN IN DOUBT, LIE WITH GEX” and taped a small picture of the Gex cover art for Playstation on his palm]

Scott: ...Gex.

[The doorbell rings. It cuts to him opening the door. Rex Mohs is there, leaning over and panting]

Scott: Did not take you as a Gex fan.

Rex: ''I’m not. I knew you were lying… and I’ll do anything… not Gex-related.''

Scott: Even amiibo Festival?

[He reaches into his pocket and holds up a Blathers amiibo figure]

Rex: Yeah.

[ Jeb Jab suddenly appears from around the doorframe, looking excited. Rex looks surprised]

Jeb: ''Is it Gex night?! I’ve been waiting for this for years!''

Scott: ...Yeah.

[It cuts to the Animal Crossing amiibo Festival title screen on the TV. A piece of paper with the word “GEX” written on it is stuck to the screen. The three are shown sitting on the couch. Jeb points at the screen and grins at the other two]

Jeb: Oh, I love Gex!

[Scott is shown tapping the Lottie figure to the gamepad]

Scott: ''So, we enter the world of Gex by tapping our amiibo in and on with the board game! Now we have 12 boards to choose from - all the months throughout the year. Honestly, it’s a great idea in terms of transitioning the series into a board game… it’s all about life and the time of year translating over to the game. You can still find positives in Hell! We get the rules explained to us and this is gonna take an hour and a half to finish.''

Rex: ''Do we really have enough stamina to last that long? I haven’t eaten since yesterday two weeks ago.''

Jeb: Yeah, and I know Gex- an hour and a half is really low-balling it.

Scott: ''Okay. We’ll buy some food.''

[The scene changes to show them in the drive-through of a Sonic. Scott, partially leaning out the car window, turns to address the other two in the back of the car]

Scott: ''Alright, what do you guys want? I only have enough money for one thing we can all share.''

Rex: [dismissively] Doesn’t matter to me.

Jeb: [dismissively] ''Yeah, I’m starving. I… couldn’t care less right now.''

Scott: Alright,

[He leans out the window]

Scott: Hi- uh- I-I’ll take one corndog…!

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Therapist: You went to Sonic?

Scott: Not just that- I ate there!

Therapist: Shoulda came sooner.

[The scene changes to the group back on the couch. Rex takes a bite from the top of the corndog]

Scott: So when you have some players to play a real life video game with, before you start a game-

[Rex offers the corndog to Scott, who takes a bite from the side of it. Jeb taps an amiibo figure to the gamepad]

Scott: ''-you need to make sure you and your team are nourished. This is gonna take a whooole lot of effort-''

[Scott offers the corndog to Jeb. He takes it and bites from the side of it]

Scott: -and time and the last thing you want anybody to do during a game of Animal Crossing amiibo Festival…

[Jeb offers the corndog back to Rex]

Scott: Is leave to do something else.

[Rex takes the corndog and goes to take another bite before it cuts back to gameplay]

Scott: ''When commitment is your middle name, it’s time to play! Scan your amiibo when it’s your turn and lift it to roll the dice. Move the spaces given - you wanna gain Happy Points and Bells. Land on spaces that either make you happy or give you money. Some spaces only do one or the other or both. But some spaces take away one or the other or both. Every space you land on, you get a little story play-out that explains why you gained Happy Points and/or Bells or why you lost them. I have never meant anything more in my life than what I’m about to say; cute, I guess.''

''Sometimes events happen where characters show up and if you land on a certain space they may give you an item to use. These items are all sorts of basic cards that let you move whatever amount of spaces you want. They’re f*ckin FUN. Joan appears every now and then and sells you turnips. You buy a bunch and then the market does the talkin’. Each space then has a different selling price for your turnips, so it’s up to you to decide when it’s time to sell your stock. Investment’s a core part of the game… again - “great for people who can’t read.” And that’s amiibo Festival. When every player takes a turn moving, the next day starts and you repeat until the month is over, your Bells are converted to Happy Points at the end and are added to your overall total and whoever has the most Happy Points wins. Now, you can set a time limit so the game ends after a certain period rather than lasting an hour and a half but that’s not the amiibo Festival way, dammit. Rev up your endurance glands because we’re in this for the long haul.''

[It cuts to the couch. Jeb gestures at the screen]

Jeb: He’s a gecko with sunglasses!

Scott: ''But, yes - we constantly have to scan our amiibo to roll the dice each and every time. Is it strategic? Is the dice roll slow to compensate for the fact it has to read a chip in the figurine? Is scanning an amiibo to roll dice fun? Don’t quote me on this… but no. If you wanna play with up to four players but you only have one to three amiibo, the remaining players can play as a human villager and all THEY have to do is hit A- c’mon- that’s no FAIR! Using an amiibo to do this is clunky and annoying. Primarily because you constantly have to do it. Other games that support amiibo - it’s a one-and-done; you scan it, and then you set the figure down. Here, you constantly have to and it is graying mainly because I know there is a beautiful little button that can roll the dice for me and then some right there.''

[An image of a WiiU slowly zooms in to the X, Y, A and B buttons]

Scott: ''It’s even programmed into the GAME! But, I have to keep scanning something I bought at Five Below. But here’s what I really don’t like; after you scan, you then have to use the stick and A button to confirm which direction you want to go in when you reach different path options. One of my biggest pet peeves in games- specifically on the WiiU- is when they force you to use the controller in a way that makes you reposition your hands when it is COMPLETELY unnecessary. Paper Mario Color Splash on the WiiU did this; it’s default control scheme had you pick cards to play with the touchscreen, then force you to quickly shift your hands back to the buttons to time your actions properly. I ended up switching to the ‘all button’ control scheme because sure, there are more steps required with this than with the advanced touch controls option, but here… I don’t need to reposition my hands constantly.''

''In amiibo Festival, I have to scan the figure, use the buttons… sometimes I’m forced to use the touchscreen for no damn reason. If the developers just had to… ABSOLUTELY force you to scan the amiibo to roll the dice… why not have the rest of the controls on the touchscreen? That way you can leave the gamepad on a table without it being sorta kinda awkward to use when picking a direction. Like, why not be able to select the direction to go in on the touchscreen? Oh, that’s right, you can’t because the EMOTION BUTTONS are on the touchscreen! F*ck yes! The game had some weird consistency issues when it comes to what’s exclusively on the gamepad screen and what’s not - there’s really nothing that ever happens where I think “Oh man I wanna hide what I’m looking at from the other players!” Also,''

[It shows the guys on the couch. Rex is holding the corndog in his mouth and hands the gamepad to Scott so that he can scan his amiibo figure]

Scott: ''We all just used one gamepad - pass it around like a corndog. It just makes things… unnecessarily cumbersome. The game itself REEKS of Mario Party. I mean, Happy Points are basically Stars and Bells are Coins - of course, more Coins mean more of a chance to get a Star in Mario Party, which is what you’re really after and it’s no different with amiibo Festival. The difference is, most Mario Partys have a minigame play after each player rolls their dice and move. That adds an element of skill; you wanna do good at the minigames to get more Coins to get more Stars. After everybody rolls in amiibo Festival… you roll again! There’s no minigames, no nothin’! This game is just constantly rolling the dice and moving around the board. Sure, you have the element of the f*cking onions- I guess you have to strategize when’s the right time to sell THEM, and no, even that’s total luck! You can’t strategize landing on a space where you can sell them for a fortune - it’s all up to the dice roll! “But Scott,” you may say,''

[It cuts to the couch. Rex is eating a corndog, Jeb is using the gamepad and Scott is sitting to face the camera]

Scott: WHAT?!

Scott: ''-”You can get special cards that give you the ability to move a specific amount of spaces.” Yeah, sure, but if you even get the opportunity to get a card like that - completely random! If you get the number of spaces you’d actually need in the future - completely random! It’s all luck- you build up your Bells for 45 minutes-''

[The gameplay shows the event “I bumped into a friend, literally, and our money spilled out of our wallets. We couldn’t remember how much we each had, so we split it.”]

Scott: -all for a damn owl to bump into you and take half your money!

[The group is shown on the couch. As he talks in voiceover, Scott throws his amiibo figure in the air, catches it and taps it to the touchpoint]

Scott: The most strategy you can put into this game is doing a trick when scanning your amiibo.

Rex: Now that,

[He takes a bite from the corndog]

Rex:  ’s badass.

Scott: ''I mean, if amiibo Festival nails anything, it’s the ambiance of Animal Crossing. Every space ya land on tells you the story of what happened to your character that day… it’s all well-written, I guess, but- keep in mind- there is WAY too much dialogue for this being a party game. I have multiple people in the room, KATIE. You don’t need to explain your purpose each and every time somebody runs into you.''

''Presentation-wise, like, yeah, it’s still Animal Crossing - it looks okay. But it just kinda feels like they barfed New Leaf in HD without all too much care put into it. It’s fine, it does the job… but the board’s design… my. GOD.''

''So yes, each board is each month in the year but they’re BARELY any different! There’s season changes but that doesn’t make any of ‘em feel all too distinct. There are events that happen based on the month like holidays or birthdays but I will maintain - every board feels the damn same. Here’s a quiz for ya- which board is June and which board is July?''

[Two boards are shown side-by-side]

Scott: ''They’re both August. You level up your character after every game and save that data to the amiibo - thank God I get something out of this. Levelling up with your Happy Points unlocks new costumes. Oh- y’know- now this game has purpose. And that’s the board game… but, you just wait, because we have so much more to this…! Eight minigames, in fact! All of which are exclusively playable with amiibo cards; you cannot use figures. Is there any reason why I can’t use the amiibo cards in the board game and amiibo figures in the minigames?''

[It cuts to the couch. Rex is eating another corndog and looking at a hand of amiibo cards. Scott is looking at his hand of cards. Jeb turns to Scott]

Jeb: Man, you really haven’t played Gex before, have you?

Scott: ''So we basically have to grind in this game for a couple hours to unlock everything. We have Balloon Island - where we scan in an amiibo card and lift it up to drop our character at the right time to get the most points. I will say, this is an instance where scanning the cards makes this a bit more interesting; you have to take the delay into account. I think it would be way more interesting if different characters had different characteristics to how they dropped so that there’s more of a strategy when picking your card but overall… this would be a bit weird without the cards.''

[It cuts to the couch. Jeb is scanning a card on the gamepad]

Rex: It’s weird with the cards.

Scott: ''Acorn Chase - we have to maneuver this garden, picking up all the acorns by scanning one of the three cards you picked to go in different directions before you get mauled. It’s… fffffffffine. Resetti Bop - so it’s Whack-a-Mole mixed with Rock, Paper, Scissors. Finally- somebody did it. All the amiibo cards have either rock, paper, or scissors on them so you scan ‘em in and when you see a Resetti with rock under it and you are definitely paper, scan your card- nothing else matters in the world. It can get pretty crazy, although… an easy way to cheese it is if you scan in all characters with the same thing - that way it’s not nearly as confusing.''

''Mystery Campers - we scan in six cards and have to try to guess which four of your characters are in the tents and which order they’re in. This one’s honestly incredibly simple but kinda fun… it really makes ya think critically - every time you scan in four it tells you how many were correct and if you were close with some of your picks. It’s pretty satisfying to figure it all out considering all your previous choices. Speaking of thinking critically - the Animal Crossing Quiz Show; the perfect game to play with people who don’t know Animal Crossing all too well. What is this?''

[The gameplay shows the question “What aquatic creature is this?” with an image of a sea bass. It shows the couch. Jeb looks like he is thinking and Rex is sitting with a corndog in his mouth. He grunts and jumps forwards, slapping his amiibo card against the gamepad and dropping his corndog. He stands up]

Rex: [muffled] IT’S A FISH!

Scott: ''Amiibo Card Battle - you pick cards to play and there are definitely outcomes. ...I don’t get this one. Desert Island Escape. This is the most game this game gets. It’s not that bad; you pick three characters and you have to survive on an island long enough and find materials to escape before time runs out. You just have to strategize where to move and if certain things are worth risking… it’s nothing amazing, but it’s probably the most value you’ll get out of amiibo Festival.''

[It cuts back to the couch. Rex has another corndog and Scott is talking to the camera]

Scott: And that was amiibo Festiva-!

Jeb: Gex.

Scott: -Gex!

[Rex takes a bite from the corndog]

Scott: But we’ve played the entirety… of what it had to offer.

[He grins. Rex turns to him]

Rex: Didn’t we forget the Fruit Path game?

[Gameplay of Fruit Path is briefly shown. Scott fumbles for words]

Scott: G- get-get the f*ck outta my house.

[He points across the room. It cuts to Scott at his desk]

Scott: ''So, Animal Crossing amiibo Festival is generally considered the lowest point in the Animal Crossing franchise. It is. But I think what stings the most is the fact that it didn’t… need to be. Of course, best case scenario - it would be an actual real life Animal Crossing for the WiiU. But an Animal Crossing party game had so much potential; the core concept here is fantastic! Taking elements from Animal Crossing and turning them into a board game, having the boards be different months, holidays is different events that happen - but they didn’t do… ANYTHING interesting with these concepts. NDcube made this game and they develop the modern Mario Party and Wii Party games. And by God… I just DON’T think they know how to balance a game’s content or design boards for party games. They always try to give as many options as possible to give the illusion of a ton of content with tons of modes or minigames… But everything is so barebones - it doesn’t matter. It would’ve been better if they found a way to mesh all the content in here together. That way, it could’ve been at least a little more interesting.''

[It returns to his desk]

Scott: ''Amiibo Festival, by far, is the worst game they’ve ever developed… but it’s not ungodly terrible. It’s bad, no doubt, but some of the extra minigames aren’t the worst and the board game can be fun if you wanna-''

[The group is shown on the couch, where Rex is dramatically yelling at the game]

Scott: ''-overreact about everything happening. However, that mode is overly long with nothing of value ever happening. The control scheme is completely unnecessary and with each amiibo costing around thirteen bucks a pop at launch, you were spending well over $100 when this game released to play with multiple characters and access the other minigames.''

[It cuts to the desk once again]

Scott: ''The concept’s great! The execution is abysmal. However… I can’t say it’s the worst thing ever; there are glimpses of hope in the package here and there. So… it’s not… terrible. It’s just…''

[He pauses, trying to think of a word. He picks up his laptop and looks at synonyms for “terrible” on Thesaurus.com.]

Scott: Awful.

[It returns to the therapy session]

Therapist: ''Well I think overall you’re experiencing Post Sh*t Game Syndrome. It should wear off between the next day or two. Uh- I’m surprised it only took ya one game to get this shaken.''

Scott: Well, actually I’m here because it was moreso a barrage of bad Nintendo games I’ve played- uh, first, it was Animal Crossing amiibo Festival, next it was-

[He holds up a copy of Mario Tennis Ultra Smash]

Scott: Mario Tennis Ultra Smash-

[The therapist’s chair is shown to be empty and rocking slightly]

Scott: ''-Okay. Bye.''

[The scene changes to show a neighborhood. A sign reads “Therapist Hills”. It cuts to the therapist in front of a mirror. The mirror has photos depicting therapy sessions on it. The therapist sighs and begins talking to his reflection]

Therapist: ''You’re a therapy machine. You’re gonna therapize good tonight. You’re gonna be the best therapist a therapist will ever ask for. You’re gonna do great.''

[He is shown opening a door. The door has a picture of a woman with a clipboard in an armchair with the text “Therapists” and the writing “Keep it up! -The Therapist” on it. When the door opens, Scott Wozniak is there, grinning and holding the box for Mario Tennis Ultra Smash]

Scott: So I was thinking-

[The therapist reels back in surprise. Scott continues talking over the therapist]

Therapist: WHAT THE F*CK?!

Scott: -We could tackle Ultra Smash next.

Therapist: WHAT THE F*CK?!

Scott: -This game left me-

Therapist: WH-WHO GAVE YOU MY ADDRESS?!

Scott: -traumatized and not just in a funny way,

Therapist: WHY ARE YOU HERE?!

Scott: -moreso just-

Therapist: WHAT THE F*CK.

Scott: ''Waitwaitwait- let’s go one at a time. You first.''

Therapist: What the f*ck are you doing here at my house?!

Scott: ''Okay, fair question. Now it’s my turn; I was hoping we could bang out some more therapy - you are a therapist, I’m… traumatized! It all works out!''

Therapist: I can’t give you therapy right now, it’s day time- I’m a night therapist!

Scott: Don’t my credits transfer over?

Therapist: Listen, I didn’t become a therapist to hear you vent about ‘Amigo Festival’.

Scott: amiibo Festival.

Therapist: I’m not registered to give advice about that.

Scott: Well, then, are you a registered therapist at all?

[The therapist stares at Scott with a deadpan expression. It then cuts to him sitting down in his armchair]

Therapist: ''So. Tell me about that dumb f*cking tennis game that hurt your feelings.''

[Scott is sitting on the couch]

Scott: ''...I dunno. I feel like you’re only talking to me now so then I don’t tell anybody you’re not registered to be a therapist. I feel like I almost have to pay you to listen to me.''

[The therapist stares at Scott]

Therapist: ...So it’s therapy?

Scott: Yeah, it’s pretty much therapy.

[He lies down on the couch]

Scott: After Animal Crossing amiibo Festival, I decided it was time to move on to smaller and worse things… I was at my desk again…

[It briefly cuts to Scott at his desk]

Scott: Hey all, Scott here.

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Therapist: YES!

Scott: What?

Therapist: ''Oh- before every therapy session I make predictions. I nailed that one. I’m really good at reading people. Just like- you’re not pregnant.''

Scott: How did you know?

Therapist: ''Oh, I just kinda get this stuff. They called me the human pregnancy test in high school.''

[It cuts back to Scott at his desk]

Scott: ''Well, I’m still in a quest to play through three of Nintendo’s worst games of all time. I… just finished up Animal Crossing amiibo Festival and my eyes can no longer feel joy so let’s check more body parts off the list with-''

[He holds up Mario Tennis Ultra Smash]

Scott: [pained] -Mario Tennis Ultra Smash.

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Therapist: ''Okay, so what was this game’s deal? Was it good?''

Scott: What do you think?

Therapist: ''Based on the information, it’s hard to tell. What is an ‘Ultra Smash’? Is it a move in the game? Is it the game itself? Or is it just two words that have no business being together at all?''

Scott: ...Yes.

Scott: Mario Tennis - one of the greatest series of games Nintendo’s ever produced.

Scott: [shrugging] Somebody’s probably said that before.

[A triangular diagram on a whiteboard is shown. The very top of the triangle is labelled “A HUMBLE START” and the rest is labelled “EVERY-THING”. Scott accentuates his speech by pointing with a ruler]

Scott: ''’The Mario Pyramid’ showcases the series’ growth from simple beginnings to f*cking everything. The character of Mario is so understandable to the masses. You look at him and go “Yeah, I’m comfortable.” Everybody’s played a Mario game and know they’re all about running and jumping and ending the sentence there. They’re games people who don’t enjoy games can at least get… and with Mario being such a basic mascot character, you can throw him into all kinds of settings and it would still make sense.''

[Dr. Mario is shown]

Scott: Does he have a PHD?

Scott: No doubt!

[Yoshi’s Cookie is shown]

Scott: Can he be a chef?

Scott: Y-yeah.

[Yoshi’s Safari is shown]

Scott: Has he renewed his hunting license?

Scott: Hopefully.

Scott: ''He’s a jack-of-all-trades! And Nintendo usually puts him into so many different genres because he’s such a good gateway character. If you weren’t necessarily interested in a turn-based strategy game… they put Mario into it, it automatically feels a bit safer to try. It won’t bite. When I see Mario on a cover to a game… I think simple, wacky, but well thought-out fun and that’s no more obvious… than with the Mario sports games.''

''Ever since the NES, Nintendo’s been cramming Mario into sports titles - starting with GOLF. That’s our Mario! He looks more like an ‘Uncle Tony’ than a Super Mario but apparently… that’s him! As time went on, Mario started appearing in more of these games, whether they were starring roles or just cameos, but when Super Mario Kart released… I’m sure Nintendo realized the Mario branding was too lucrative to limit him to just a simple cameo in these games - you gotta theme the entire thing around him! So, in 1995, the first Mario sports game completely based on and named after the brand was released; Mario’s Tennis on the Virtual Boy. ...It’s HIS tennis. Released as a pack-in for the system, it was a Mario-themed tennis game. ...Am I allowed to be disappointed? With a title like this, I’m not sure what I was expecting, but… probably a little bit more. It was basic tennis and it does that well enough but when you put Mario in the name… I’m expecting something more wacky, or more cartoony, or more… fun? Well, Scott, do I have a surprise for me!''

''1999 rolls around and the Mario Golf series is formally introduced on Nintendo 64 and GameBoy Color with Mario Tennis getting a shot at redemption on the exact same systems one year later. The Nintendo 64 Mario sports titles were fun and simple sports games you could crack out at a party and have a blast with. You could enjoy them as just sports titles but they added the charm of the Mario world, characters, stages, items. These were games that brought together sports and Mario fans or even attracted those who weren’t necessarily into either one. There are a ton of people who don’t care for sports but LOVE a good Mario sports game. The GameBoy Color versions were vastly different and were moreso RPGs - you control characters who were, dear God, anything but Mario, and try to become the golf or tennis masters. You could even connect the handheld games to the N64 ones to unlock things… They had some cool ideas back then before the idea of a Mario sports game became so concrete.''

''Now, when Nintendo moved on to their NEXT console, the GameCube, Mario sports truly hit the next level. Mario Golf Toadstool Tour and Mario Power Tennis - these were amazing upgrades; better in pretty much every way to their predecessors. While Mario Tennis was still quite a fun time on N64, Power Tennis added so much in terms of characters, different courts with all kinds of Mario-themed gimmicks, special modes… it was incredible! Companion titles for the GameBoy Advance released that continued the RPG lineage of the GameBoy Color games and back on the GameCube we got two new sports series as well… baseball and soccer. Yeah, Mario sports titles were some of the go-to multiplayer party games… they were incredibly popular so when the NEXT system rolled around…''

[It cuts to the therapy session. The therapist jumps up in excitement]

Therapist: ''OH! They really just sort of disappeared for a while!''

Scott: You really are the human pregnancy test.

Scott: ''The Wii and Nintendo DS… you see, these systems were tailor-made for sports games; the Wii had a sports game bundled in with it, they both had control schemes that screamed ‘put a Mario sports games on me’, and what did Nintendo do? They got SquareEnix to make a basketball game for the DS,''

Scott: [shrugging] Why wouldn’t they?

Scott: ''Made sequels to Baseball and Strikers on the Wii, Mario Power Tennis got rereleased in widescreen with motion controls and nothing else… and Mario Sports Mix. Yay. So… why did Mario Golf skip this console? Why did they just port over an old Mario Tennis? Why did the DS get only one sports game? The lack of titles on the Wii may be because many consumers already had Wii Sports and… most of the sports included in the package have been Mario sports games in the past. To be fair, I wanted Mario Super Sluggers when it came out but I initially passed on it because I went “Well, I have baseball in Wii Sports- what’s the point?” Maybe Nintendo thought consumers wouldn’t care for a new Mario Golf or Mario Tennis if they already had free alternatives that came with the console? ...But, see- that’s dumb logic; sports game sold like crazy on this system. If anything, people loved Wii bowling and golf so much they’d immediately buy garbage bowling and golf games just because they wanted more of it.''

''Now, why the DS had barely any sports games - I don’t know., But, I mean, it had Pac-Pix, don’t be greedy. Maybe Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games had something to do with it? “Oh, we don’t need to make new Mario sports games, Mario & Sonic will do the trick!” But those were just sports minigame collections… they had charm, no doubt, but a collection of dozens of sports isn’t going to have the same amount of quality as a game that focused so many on one sport. Yeah, I’d say Mario Sports Mix is where the decline truly started to happen. It’s not a bad game, but with it being four sports in one, with each not feeling nearly as in-depth as they should be… it just doesn't have the same quality as something like Power Tennis or Toadstool Tour or Strikers or Super Sluggers.''

After Sports Mix, we got Mario Tennis Open on the Nintendo 3DS.

Scott: ...We did?

Scott: ''Yeah, this is an often forgotten one… it’s not bad- I mean, it was Mario Tennis, for Christ’s sake, how could it be? It was just lacking in overall personality in ways to spice up the series. It just kinda felt like tennis with Mario flair and not much more. Or, at least that’s what most reviewers said. It’s an alright game, I’d take this in comparison to a lobotomy most days.''

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: Something better than a lobotomy?

Scott: Most days!

Scott: ''It’s just not too enthralling… Now, if we take a look at Mario Power Tennis- SO much character is injected into this one. Look at all the courts! All the gimmicks, all the cutscenes, all the LOVE! All of this was something that was slowly but surely disappearing from the sports games… and instead of feeling like the developers were trying to make the most out of what a Mario sports game could be, by throwing in as many references and character as possible… it felt like they were just doing this for a paycheck. This was also the first Mario Tennis game on a handheld that didn’t go for an RPG style… that’s fine, I mean, those were cool games, but I understand when you hear ‘Mario Tennis’, you probably think about the Nintendo 64 and GameCube versions first. But it just kinda shows that instead of doing something different or interesting… they’d rather just do exactly what you’d expect from a game called ‘Mario Tennis’.''

''Thankfully, Mario Golf World Tour released for the 3DS two years later and THIS… was a great time! So many different courses and modes, the gameplay mechanics were fun and understandable but had depth. I think the problem with Mario Tennis Open was that it was simplifying an already simple game… they took out the special character moves you could pull off from Power Tennis and instead had these ‘Chance Shots’ on the ground. They were just glowing spots where if you performed the shot the game tells you to pull off while standing near it, It’ll pull off a more powerful hit. But in the end… that just means the game is all about following the glowy spot and doing the move it tells you to do. The Power Shots had so much character and were tons of fun to watch and pull off- and for them to be gutted like this… it makes Mario Tennis less of a Mario and… WAY more about tennis.''

''See, out of all the four major sports series, Tennis is definitely my least favorite. Not because it’s bad but it’s just the most basic playing sport after being turned into a video game. Go over here, hit the ball, go over here, hit the ball, go over here, hit the ball… At least Mario Tennis on the Nintendo 64 and Power Tennis on the GameCube didn’t try to simplify the game. If you wanted simple tennis, there were more than enough tennis games out there for ya. Mario Tennis was for people who wanted a wackier take on the sport… but there was still depth here; you needed to be skillful to beat your opponent. Open’s Chance Shots just made the game mindless. You didn’t outsmart the other player by going over to the glowing spot- Don’t lie, if you were f*cking Luigi playing tennis and the ground started glowing, you’d go over to it, but you wouldn’t feel accomplished- you just followed the GLOW!''

Scott: ''Okay, so, after the GameCube, Mario Sports titles’ quality was definitely declining… sure there wasn’t really a terrible one at this point, but… they were a lot more hit or miss than they used to be. Camelot Software Planning were the developers of both the Mario Golf and Mario Tennis series ever since the Nintendo 64 and GameBoy Color. They made every game in both franchises since that point - whether they were the multiplayer party games on console, or the RPGs on the handhelds… and they truly had a lot of talent; just looking at their games on the GameCube - they were obviously very proud of those games with amazing opening cutscenes that were moreso five minute long comedy shorts, they had great rosters of characters, fantastic modes and they’re still fun today. But, by the year 2015 when Mario sports games were sort of in the gutter, what did they do?''

[Scott holds Mario Tennis Ultra Smash and stares at it for a second]

Scott: Well, they were ones to go against the grain.

Scott: ''Mario Tennis Ultra Smash was the first time I’ve ever used the term ‘Mario Tennis Ultra Smash is bad.’ As you can see, the lineage of Mario sports titles up until this point somewhat started to degrade in quality… so, when E3 2015 rolled around… I think we were all hoping for a new Mario sports game that was a return to form. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Mario Strikers or Mario Baseball - those would be fun to see again- oh! Or a Mario Golf on a home console… we haven’t gotten one of those since the GameCube- or, hey! Maybe a new Mario sport like football or horseback riding! During Nintendo’s E3 2015 Digital Event, after revealing Animal Crossing amiibo Festival- as you would if you wanted to watch the world burn, Nintendo showcased a few more trailers, revealing Mario & Luigi Paper Jam and immediately afterwards with… NO hesitation, NO time to breathe… they just started a trailer for a new Mario Tennis game! Hell, yes, I am completely INDIFFERENT to Mario Tennis!''

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Therapist: So this is just Alfredo Party?

Scott: Amiibo Festival.

Therapist: This already wasn’t a series you liked.

Scott: ''That’s right! It was a series I tolerated.''

Therapist: ''So what does it matter to you if this game got announced or turned out to be bad? Even if it was the greatest tennis game of all time, you still probably wouldn’t care about it.''

Scott: ''That’s not true! I wouldn’t probably not care about it, I just wouldn’t care about it!''

Scott: ''Why does Nintendo love Mario Tennis so much? Sure, the Wii didn’t get it’s own game, but it at least got a rerelease of the GameCube one… then we got Open on the 3DS, Ultra Smash on WiiU then tennis was included as one of the five sports in Mario Sports Superstars on 3DS in 2017- including horseback riding, thank f*ck. And then, with no hesitation, a NEW Mario Tennis game after that! Like… guys! I know the series has the fabled fan who thinks Mario Tennis is the greatest series Nintendo’s ever made out there somewhere,''

Scott: Oh- we’ll find them.

Scott: ''But in my opinion, it’s the least interesting sport of the bunch. And even if it WAS the most interesting… why not give the other sports more attention? It just boggles my mind. Well, this new Mario Tennis game was revealed and… it looked fantastic. Look at the character models! The lighting, the colors- it all looked GORGEOUS! It was like they took the graphics of Mario Kart 8 and made a tennis game out of them- why would you do that? I dunno! But look at the grass! It looked great. ...Visually. Gameplay-wise? Yep… that sure is a Mario Tennis. There was this Mega Mushroom power-up showcased where characters would grow- get this- big. Giants playing tennis… that’s interesting, I guess - what else this game have? ...A title. What kinda subtitle is ‘Ultra Smash’? What does that mean? It just feels like they went to an auto-title generator and it came up with this. But, whatever, okay - it’s releasing holiday of 2015- they obviously wanna save a bunch of stuff about this game to reveal later. This obviously isn't the entire game.''

[It cuts to Scott at his desk, staring and smiling painfully at the camera. He begins to twitch]

Scott: ''The game was playable on the E3 showfloor and… my GOD that is old artwork of Peach. Looking at the gameplay… it was just tennis.''

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: ''Yeah - It’s a tennis game. What were you expecting?''

Scott: [sadly] You don’t understand…

Scott: It was JUST tennis.

[The therapist stares at Scott]

Therapist: Oh my God.

Scott: ''It looked like a very barren HD version of Mario Tennis Open; Chance Shots and all. Temporary box art for the game was revealed and… I still have nightmares about this. I know this was just to give retailers something to put up on their Mario Tennis Ultra Smash product pages until the true box art was finished, but back in 2015, I was a bit concerned this was actually going to be the final box art. I was more concerned about THAT than if the game was gonna be good. That was about it for Ultra Smash until OCTOBER 2015… we got a trailer labelled “Look Who’s on the Court”! That could mean ANYTHING! It was less than a minute long and announced characters that were pretty much always playable in Mario Tennis games; Boo, Daisy, Waluigi. I think the most concerning thing about this trailer was after four months of nothing on this game… this was all they had to show us. ...And it was releasing in a month. We also didn’t see any new courts… it was just the same basic one from E3 but the material of the court could be changed. ...Huh. Well, two days later, ANOTHER trailer was released! The ‘Love-All’ trailer. This one introducing the tagline of… “Play Tennis”... “With”... “Super Mario Powers”.''

Scott: They had me at this game having a tagline.”

Scott: ''So this was an overview trailer showing off all the modes. ...Hopefully this isn’t all the modes. Well- There’s tennis, big tennis, online tennis, boring tennis- because this trailer fully confirmed - there are no unique courts in the game. It’s… just the same stadium… with different textures on the floor.''

Scott: ''Yikes. Well at least at this point the game got actual box art and the release date was November 20th! One week after Animal Crossing amiibo Festival- I f*cking hate calendars.''

Scott: ''A couple of hidden characters were revealed, previews started to come out… I was holding out hope this game was hiding… something. Even when the Nintendo Direct in Novemeber 2015 came out and Mario Tennis Ultra Smash was highlighted, this was a week before it was releasing and I was still praying this wasn’t all the game was. This looked… EXACTLY like it did back at E3 - back when it had a REASON to be barebones- it was a demo and the first time we saw the game! Didn’t even leave the unlockable characters locked when showcasing the thing- they had… NO shame with showing everything this game was and most importantly, what it wasn’t.''

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: ''So November 20th rolls around and you bought the game? YOU BOUGHT THE GAME?!''

Scott: Actually, no. Not at all.

Therapist: You’re making great progress!

Scott: This was five years ago.

Scott: ''2015, I started a bit of a tradition. If a Nintendo-published WiiU game released… I would buy it. I think I did this out of love for the company and a desire to support them during this era? But, see, after Animal Crossing amiibo Festival released just one week earlier, seeing how absolutely BARREN Ultra Smash was and evaluating its price tag of FIFTY US dollars, I picked it up, about to buy it, and said… “No. I’m not supporting this.” I could at least understand amiibo Festival’s sixty dollar price tag… it came with amiibo figures and cards, it wasn’t worth much at all but the price tag was a bit more justified. Ultra Smash wasn’t a full sixty dollars but that doesn’t mean it’s worth fifty. I held back on this game for a while… I didn’t want to support Nintendo rushing out games that were overpriced and lacking in content just to fill their holiday line-up.''

Scott: ''So I told that video game company - they aint seeing a dime from me! They may be a multi-billion-dollar Japanese corporation, but let that be a lesson to them… I aint giving them any of my business when it comes to $50 tennis games… Now, when I see it on sale for $25 two years later, then I’ll bite.''

Scott: ''Look at this box art… I’ll give the game this- ...it looks good. The layout’s nice, Luigi. “Unleash your jump shots to take the advantage!” Hah- the marketing people were trying with this game. This blurb is like if a dictionary had “Harness the power of words!” on the back. Yeah, it’s always a good sign when the age rating doesn’t have anything to say about the game. No ‘comic mischief, ‘cartoon violence’ or ‘sexual content’ like Mario Power Tennis. The fact amiibo Festival is racier than Ultra Smash- I don’t know what to make of that. The disk!- Yeah… they just… plastered random characters all around it and called it a day.''

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: Oh no. No, not the disk art!

Scott: That was the one thing I thought they couldn’t ruin!

Therapist: ''AND THEY F*CKED IT! NINTENDO F*CKED IT, just like they F*CKED ARBONZO FRIENDS!''

Scott: Amiibo Festival.

Therapist: I don’t caaaaare!

[It cuts back to Scott at his desk. He is holding Ultra Smash]

Scott: ''Well. ...This is it. A game I refused to buy and play because of the principle of it all… You know, if I really wanted to be a hypocrite I could just enjoy an RPG but… that’s not gonna happen.''

[Mario Tennis Ultra Smash boots up. The Mario Tennis Ultra Smash logo is shown]

Scott: ''This is Mario Tennis Ultra Smash. Could you tell?''

[The title screen appears. Scott pauses]

Scott: ''Remember Mario Tennis on the Nintendo 64? It had that cute little opening cutscene. Remember Mario Tennis on the GameBoy Color? It had a fun little cinematic. Remember Mario Power Tennis on the GameCube? It had an Oscar-worthy opening short film. Remember Mario Tennis Power Tour on the GameBoy Advance? It had an intense little opening for a handheld game. Remember Mario Tennis Open for the Nintendo 3DS? It had a lame opening but an opening regardless. Remember Mario Tennis Ultra Smash? ...It had nothing. So we enter into the main menu… it’s honestly pretty bland but… pretty slick. I like how when you hover over an option, a video plays in the box… it’s simple, but it’s decently attractive. It feels like a huge display at a sports game. Now, is there another page of options? Are there modes I can unlock? Is there more to this?''

Scott: What have I been bitching about the past 17 minutes?

Scott: ''This is all Mario Tennis Ultra Smash has to offer - five modes. That’s not an immediate problem- the lack of modes doesn’t automatically mean a lack of quality. Maybe these are very in-depth modes with a ton of variety and replay value? What if they made the most out of the limited options and made something truly special? What if they did that? Do you think they did that?''

Scott: What have I been bitching about the past 18 minutes?

Scott: ''Alright, so let’s start off with the first option available; Mega Battle. So we choose between whether we wanna play singles or doubles… nice options, I’d be concerned if a tennis game didn’t have them. And alright! Nice character select screen. ALL of this is old art! Every single one of these character profiles are YEARS OLD! Some of them over 10 years old from this game’s release! And I have NO idea why they had to rip art from ass-old games! Just looking at the disk art, they created new renders of tons of these characters SPECIFICALLY for Ultra Smash! Why did they feel the need to reuse old renders? Even when characters like Peach, Daisy and Rosalina aren’t in their tennis outfits in the renders when they are in the game! Oh my God, look - we have four unlockable characters grayed out! Who could they be?''

[Four easily identifiable silhouettes are shown on the character select screen]

Scott: ''Listen, I know that silhouette anywhere. I can’t believe they added Grover Cleveland.''

[An image of Grover Cleveland appears within the silhouette for Toadette]

Scott: Next we get to pick the kind of court.

[There are only three options to choose from; Hard Court, Clay Court and Grass Court. He pauses]

Scott: ''...Hm. Y’know, these three words are all so nice, but I think Hard’s the way to go. Then we get to pick which type of control and camera set up we want. Do we want the score on the Gamepad? Do we want the game copied to the Gamepad? Maybe even reverse view or-or dynamic?!''

Scott: Mario Tennis Ultra Smash is overwhelming me…!

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Scott: Yeah, I was starting to get a little sarcastic.

Therapist: ...But there was a reverse view.

Scott: ''I just go with ‘copy’ and here’s a loading screen. ...Uh… oh, it’s not loading. We could’ve just hit A this entire time. Look how quickly the A button appears, here. Like, it- it doesn’t even load anything. You’d think this was a loading screen but all this basically is, is just a tip and trick you’re forced to skip… is there any point to this screen? And… here’s the game!''

[Gameplay is shown. He pauses]

Scott: Surprised?

Scott: Yeah… I just realized… this is a tennis game.

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: You JUST realized?

Scott: This was my first time playing.

[It cuts to him at his desk, holding the WiiU gamepad]

Scott: ''It’s meant to be played with multiple people… I… think that calls for more people to play with! I… just have to try to sweeten the deal to try and get them over here.''

[It cuts to him holding his phone to his ear]

Scott: I am forwarding this message to everybody in my contacts list - if you come over tonight I will inform you how-

[He thinks for a moment]

Scott: ...Your uncle just died.

[The doorbell rings. It cuts to him opening the door. Rex Mohs is there, leaning over and panting]

Scott: Did not take you as somebody who had an uncle.

Rex: ''I don’t. I just couldn’t believe my uncle died… again.''

Scott: What if I told you your uncle didn’t die and you can celebrate by playing tennis?

Rex: If there’s one thing I hated more than my uncle, it’s tennis.

Scott: What’s wrong with tennis?

Rex: ''I dunno. I- I just never thought I was big enough to play. Like, if I can grow comically big while playing tennis, I’d give it a chance.''

Scott: Well, do I have an Ultra Smash for you!

Rex: ''Eh. As long as it’s not Gex - I’m in.''

[Jeb Jab suddenly appears from around the doorframe, looking excited. Rex looks surprised]

Jeb: ''Oh, is it Gex night?! I love Gex night!''

Scott: ...Didn’t you get my message about your uncle dying?

Jeb: [laughing] He died for the third time?!

[Scott stares at him]

Scott: ...Yeah, let’s fire up Gex.

[It cuts to Mario Tennis Ultra Smash gameplay on the TV. A piece of paper with the word “GEX” written on it is stuck to the screen. The three are shown sitting on the couch. Scott is smiling at the gamepad in his hands. Rex is messing with a Blathers amiibo figure and Jeb is grinning at his K.K. Slider amiibo figure]

Jeb: ''F*cking lizard Gex. Oh my God- oh. If you were a Gex fan, you’d get that.''

Scott: ''Mega Battle - we just play tennis and a Toad will randomly throw a Mega Mushroom onto the court. Touch it and…''

[A cutscene of Toad becoming a giant from the power-up is shown]

Scott: ''That’s a fun cutscene. I hope they play it every time somebody touches the Mega Mushroom- OH, JOY! So this is a mode where you have one power-up thrown onto the court and you can grow big. Of course, your shots are more powerful now, which makes it incredibly unfair when you’re up against somebody without a Mega Mushroom. But then when you get a Mega Mushroom when the other person has a Mega Mushroom then this is basically the same as a regular match. When it’s just two giants going up against each other, y-you don’t really feel the power of being a giant - you both are at equal power levels. It’s not interesting. With Mega Battle, the same thing always happens; you play normal tennis and then a Toad throws a Mega Mushroom onto one of your sides. If you had to fight for the Mega Mushroom, that would be one thing but no, they just throw it on whoever’s side they feel like that day. And it’s pretty much never out of your way to grab it. You get it, the exact same cutscene plays every time and pauses the action. If there were like a couple o’ different animations per character… I still wouldn’t like the fact the cutscene interrupts everything but at least it would be more understandable. No- each character only has one Mega Mushroom cutscene and it plays every time. You can’t disable it, you can’t skip it, you have to watch it and then you’re big- good for you.''

''Now your shots are more powerful and it’s easier for you to hit the ball back because you’re so much bigger - obviously, why wouldn’t you go for the Mega Mushroom? I get that sometimes the Mushroom may be out of the way for you to grab it if the ball is heading in the opposite direction but this thing stays on the court for so LONG! There is not a ton of urgency to grab it immediately. So, basically, when somebody gets big, it’s now completely unfair, the other person is incredibly tiny but then Toad will throw THEM a Mega Mushroom and then THEY grow big, cutscene and all. So now you have TWO people who are just large for no reason- what’s the point if everybody has a power-up? It’s not a power-up at that point. Eventually, your power-up will run out, so now we’re back to somebody having an unfair advantage until their power-up runs out and then YOU get a Mega Mushroom thrown at you again and the cycle repeats.''

''The Toads almost always throw you the Mega Mushroom in the exact same pattern every time. You get it, then your opponent gets it about thirty seconds later, yours runs out and your opponent still has it for a bit until their’s runs out then you get a Mega Mushroom again- It constantly repeats. Now, if your opponent hits your body with the ball, then you lose your power-up. You’re telling me they had nothin’ for this rating? But- yep- that’s Mega Battle! It’s just regular tennis with a power-up that honestly adds absolutely nothing but a dumb selling point to the box. It’s just so worthless! Like, the Toad just throws you a Mega Mushroom and… and that’s it! If you had a meter where you had to keep a rally going… or you had to pull off some skillful shot or something… and it fills up and THEN you get a Mega Mushroom… then that would be one thing. Or, if it was just pure chaos and Toad would throw Mega Mushrooms randomly like every two seconds and it wasn’t balanced in the slightest… I mean, this already isn’t balanced well, but if it was more random I could at least appreciate it in a bullsh*t insane way. But no! It’s just the same thing over and over again! All you do is grow big and you quickly realize it’s just a part of this pattern of growing big, opponent grows big, you go back to normal, they go back to normal and it just repeats. Growing large isn't interesting because it’s basically an automatic win button - if you’re large and your opponent’s not… you are going to beat them. Outside of growing large, the game is uh… it’s… it’s just… TENNIS!''

[It shows the couch. Jeb and Scott are playing the game, Jeb using a controller and Scott using the Gamepad. Rex is sat cross-legged on the couch]

Rex: ARGGGGHH-!

Scott: ''You just use different buttons for different types of shots but honestly, just hitting whatever button you want does the trick. Sure, performing different shots at the right moments is what skillful players do.''

[It shows Jeb, Scott and Rex staring at the camera]

Scott: Which is why we don’t.

Scott: ''If you see the glowing Chance Shot spots returning from Mario Tennis Open, just go right over to it and perform the button action it tells you to perform. Basically, you either mash a random button when the ball gets over to you or you just waddle over to the glowy points and hit the button the game tells you to hit. I mean, now and then you do these jump shots if the ball’s over your head, you hit A, B or Y twice. Every now and then, if the other player messes up their shot, you’ll get a different glow spot and it’ll let you do an ‘Ultra Smash’ which is just a very powerful jump shot that immediately means you won. But it’s not like a crazy amazing looking thing - it’s just… bam, wow- an Ultra Smash - you should name a game after that. Eh- It controls well enough; there’s nothing inherently wrong with the game at its core but it’s just… it’s just not fun. It’s just boring - the gameplay loop isn’t enjoyable, the things it adds to the Mario Tennis series are jump shots and Mega Battle. ...Has God seen this?''

''But it’s okay - we have four other modes to try out, here! Next up is Mega Ball Rally. You have to try to maintain a rally for as long as humanly possible- see, the ‘Mega’ comes from how big the ball is and it gets smaller and smaller as the rally goes on so it gets “trickier”. The ‘Ball’ comes from the fact we’re using a ball and the ‘Rally’ comes from the fact this is a rally. I don’t understand when you’re playing against a computer and they end up doing a giant ass-shot on you- why are you doing that? We’re rallying the ball with each other! We have the same GOAL! No Mega Mushrooms in this mode,''

[It shows the couch again with Jeb using a controller and Scott using the Gamepad]

Rex: ARGGGGHH-!

Scott: ''Which is why we have to move on to ‘Knockout Challenge’... ‘amiibo’. We pick ourselves a character and play Mega Battle against another opponent. ...Hey…''

[The TV screen is shown with a piece of paper stuck to it reading “KNOCKOUT CHALLENGE”. There is another piece of paper underneath it]

Scott: -H- hey- wait a second…

[He pulls the top paper off, revealing the one underneath says “MORE MEGA BATTLE”]

Scott: Huh?!

Scott: ''YEP! This is just a singleplayer-orientated version of Mega Battle. It’s for true-''

[The couch is shown. Jeb is grinning and Rex is smiling]

Scott: -Mega Battle Gex fans only.

Scott: You go up against an opponent, beat them, go up against another one, beat them, go up against another one…

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Scott: And then what?

Therapist: ...I don’t remember.

Scott: ''It’s just a never ending endurance mode until you lose against somebody. Basically, this game’s excuse for a singleplayer offering. Of course, the farther you go, the more coins you get. That’s right - Mario Tennis Ultra Smash has an economy!''

[It cuts to the couch]

Rex: Aaaand Mega Battle!

Scott: ''Now, you can use an amiibo figure in this mode as your partner. For some reason you can’t just have another player play with you or a standard CPU- it… HAS to be an amiibo. So,''

[The couch is shown. All three pull Animal Crossing amiibo figures from their pockets]

Scott: -Crack out your Animal Crossing amiibo, try scanning them,

Scott: F*ck!

Rex: F*ck!

Jeb: ...F*ck!

Scott: -Realize the game only works with certain Mario amiibo, sulk,

[They put their Animal Crossing amiibos down and get a different amiibo from their other pocket]

Scott: -enter your pockets, scan amiibo.

Scott: ''With that being said, the Gold Mario amiibo works and gives you a gold Mario in the game! ...Now, Silver Mario doesn’t give you a silver Mario, obviously, f*ck ‘em. You must train your amiibo… it’ll level up the more you play with it and you can teach it some certain skills. See, I like this concept, but it’s ripped off directly from Super Smash Bros.- Smash for WiiU and 3DS allowed you to scan an amiibo to fight with or against it to train it to fight like you. But, see, Smash Bros. is a pretty deep game… everybody has a different fighting style of their own, so that makes sense. Training my Bowser Jr. to play tennis just like me… that doesn’t. Nobody has a certain playstyle in Mario Tennis Ultra Smash- it’s literally all just mashing a button when a glowy spot appears. Playing with an amiibo doesn’t feel like I have an understudy, it just feels like I’m playing with a computer. ...Which is exactly what I’m doing. Well that’s Knockout Challenge. It’s just Mega Battle.''

[It cuts to the couch. Rex laughs]

Rex: I-I- It is.

Scott: ''Moving on to Classic Tennis. This is tennis without the Mega Mushrooms.''

[It cuts back to the couch. Rex, holding a Wii Remote, stands up angrily, slapping his knees]

Rex: ''Alright. You know what? That’s the last f*cking straw. Alright?! I don’t f*cking need this! ALRIGHT?! F*CK YOU! F*CK-''

[He throws the Wii Remote against the ground, shattering it]

Rex: ''-THIS! AND F*CK. TENNIS!''

Scott: ''Classic Tennis gives us two options - simple mode or standard mode. ...Those are synonyms. While standard has the stinky-ass Chance and Jump Shots, where you have the glow things you just run around to, simple is just tennis. You just hit the ball back and forth. So basically, standard mode is Mega Battle,''

[The couch is shown. Rex pops into frame eagerly]

Rex: Yeah…?

Scott: ...without the Mega Mushrooms.

[The couch is shown again. Rex leaves again]

Rex: F*ck you.

Scott: ''And simple mode is more strategic and skillful but boring in its own special way. Well, we can play online. We have access to singles or doubles, we can play for fun for f*cking p*ssies or play a serious match. We can play standard tennis or Mega Battle.''

[It shows the couch again. Rex is back again and sitting on the couch. He points at the screen]

Rex: This game gets me.

Scott: ''We can even bring our amiibo online to play alongside us. Now all we have to do is find a match!''

[The “Searching for opponents… Please wait.” screen is shown for a while. Then it cuts to the couch. Jeb frowns]

Jeb: ''Waitwaitwait- Gex’s online wasn’t THIS bad! ...What the f*ck is this game?! I’ve f*ckin’ had it. F*ck you! F*ck this! And-''

[He throws his controller on the ground]

Jeb: ''F*CK. TENNIS!''

Scott: ''So, online you can only play against random people and not friends so that means we are completely dependent on who’s playing this right now at this exact moment. You ever feel special that you’re the ONLY one playing Ultra Smash online? Of course you don’t, because I’M the only one playing Ultra Smash online. The game’s trailers heavily suggested you can play with friends. The term “PLAY TOGETHER ONLINE” kind of implies… you can play with friends.''

''Well, what about this little eyesore right here? Well, this is the achievements and store section. Ya gotta have a store with an economy. We have 25 things to unlock by doing certain things. You know how old NES games would be notoriously hard so then you’d be forced to play it longer even though the game had, like, barely much content to it at all? That’s a neat quirk of Ultra Smash - it brings that back! We have to win against 15 opponents in a row in Knockout challenge with every starting character. That is nearly 200 matches you have to win. And… whaddya get for doing that? The ‘star’ version of that character. What’s the ‘star’ version of that character?''

[The couch is shown. Jeb is still gone. Rex is looking at the TV and holding his Blathers amiibo figure. Scott is holding the gamepad and looks at the camera, shrugging slightly]

Scott: I dunno.

Scott: ''They look the exact same, they just have a tiny star in their portrait. After looking it up, a ‘star’ character is a more powerful version of that original character. ...That’s kinda dumb. I know that’s something that’s not new to Mario Tennis but still. ...It’s kinda dumb. But we can unlock more characters… Bowser Jr., Dry Bowser, Sprixie Princess, Cleveland. Cleveland and Sprixie are new to Mario Tennis, joining Rosalina who’s also new on the starting roster. I really like Rosalina in this game… how she floats around. I don’t know if that was just a lucky decision to make so they didn't have to animate her walking but it looks cool and fits her character. Sprixie was from Super Mario 3D World and is a really fun and cool addition. I like when they pull from the latest Mario titles for new characters instead of relying on the same-old-same-old. And it’s really odd to me that Grover hasn’t been in a Mario Tennis game before this… but it’s good she’s finally here.''

''When you obtain the unlockable characters for the first time, you automatically get the star version of them. ...Which just goes to show how dumb having a star version is in the first place. And then there are the extra courts we can unlock - I mean, please. I would like some variety, thank you. Simply playing more and more matches will unlock different courts… and the only difference between them is the look and texture of the floor. Carpet, Mushroom, Sand, Ice, Rebound and Morph. Can’t have Mario Tennis Ultra Smash without Carpet, Mushroom, Sand, Ice, Rebound and Morph. I’d say the most interesting one is Morph, simply because it’ll morph into different textures already in the game. Rebound’s kinda garbage but so is the game so it fits. It’ll immediately make the ball fly in the direction it lands on which is interesting. ...Did I just say that? Everything else… okay.''

''To be honest, while the ball speed and bouncing properties change between each different court texture… most of them… I can barely tell the difference. The different styles I choose between mostly depend on whatever I feel like looking at that day… not necessarily the ball speed and bounce. Of course, if we look at the other Mario Tennis games and see how they all had elaborate court designs with interesting and fun gimmicks based on other Mario titles as WELL as a standard stadium with texture differences you may ask “Why doesn’t this game have good courts like these?” And to answer that, this game had to come out in the holiday of 2015, no exceptions. We have Sand court, you’re asking for a lot. We can unlock higher CPU difficulties and an amiibo training mode. I mean, having these unlockables, that gives us some incentive to play more Mega Battles.''

[It cuts to the couch]

Rex: ''I don’t NEED an incentive to play Mega Battle. It’s Mega Battle!''

Scott: ''But we don’t necessarily have to complete the tasks the game is asking us to complete to unlock these things. We can just unlock them with the coins we earn. Don’t you love how to unlock the pro difficulty it costs 5000 coins but then for the difficulty right above it it’s 30,000? Alright. ...What else? ...Does the electronic manual count as a mode?''

[It cuts back to the couch]

Scott: ''So that’s Mario Tennis Ultra Smash! ‘N overall? It’s bad tennis!''

Rex: With Mega Battle.

[Jeb returns and sits down]

Jeb: ''Such a classic Gex move; makes you think it’s not Gex, then comes out and says “I’m a bad tennis game”! It’s right! Gex is TERRIBLE tennis game!''

[It cuts back to Scott at his desk]

Scott: ''Yep. That was a Nintendo-published game in 2015. I think I should wrap things off by giving just a little overview on everything Mario Tennis Ultra Smash has to offer.''

[Gameplay of Mario with a Mega Mushroom power-up performing a jump shot is very briefly shown]

Scott: ...That’s it.

[An article titled “MARIO TENNIS: ULTRA SMASH INTERVIEW - CAMELOT WAS ‘AFRAID’ TO WORK ON THEIR FIRST HD GAME” is shown]

Scott: I remember reading an interview with the developers of Mario Tennis Ultra Smash… There, they stated they wanted to go back to the “roots” of Mario Tennis… and that is code for “Here’s a lazy excuse as to why this game has less content than the Nintendo 64 one.” ...I could say this is one of the worst Nintendo games ever created… and I will.

''But, is it simply because it has barely 20 minutes worth of content and was obviously rushed out just to get SOMETHING Mario-related out on WiiU that holiday? Is it because this game adds absolutely nothing to the Mario Tennis series and strips out anything and everything memorable or fun from the past games? Is it because the main gimmick of the game adds absolutely nothing but an obtrusive cutscene to matches? Is it because they could’ve added content to the game via free software updates after the game released, but just gave up and barely mentioned it after the game launched? Is it because there’s only one stadium in the game with lazy textures added to give the half-assed illusion of multiple arenas? Is it because it was fifty dollars when it could have very easily been a fifteen dollar EShop download? Is it because even disregarding the lack of content, modes, and everything the core gameplay is just pretty boring? ...Yes. But was this game ever really meant to be anything but all of that?''

''I mean, the demo they showed off at E3 2015… that was pretty much the final game. I’m not making excuses for this thing - it’s absolutely one of the laziest and most soulless games I’ve ever played from a major publisher. It’s ABSOLUTELY worse than Animal Crossing amiibo Festival because, say what you will about that, but I felt the developers actually kind of cared. It functions fine but that’s not impressive at all. It’s… tennis. It’s like they put together all the words they were gonna use in an essay for school, and, I mean, these were some stellar words, if they form sentences with them- easy A+. But they never put them on the paper. ...Or in an order that would make any grammatical sense. Either this game was supposed to be a legitimate Mario Tennis game and they scrapped everything that would require actual development to ship it out at the last minute… OR this was always meant to be just a simple tech demo of Mario Tennis in HD and then they would just reuse the assets to make an actual Mario Tennis game later.''

Scott: ''I dunno. I would love to find out what happened to this game in the background but… it’ll never make it not totally never not bad.''

[It returns to the therapy session]

Therapist: Well, you know what they say; if you play two bad video games for children you’re bound to end up in therapy somehow.

Scott: Actually… I played… three.

[The therapist pauses]

Therapist: ''Wait. No… no… that’s impossible! You don’t mean… No! No! NO! NO NO NO NO-!''

[It cuts back to Scott at his desk, holding Mario Tennis Ultra Smash]

Scott: ''So this may be the worst game I’ve ever played in my life. But what about the… FINAL… terrible Nintendo game that released in 2015? This was a 3DS game that released right alongside amiibo Festival and Ultra Smash and it absolutely MURDERED a series I’ve always had a soft spot for, so, let’s try out-''

[He holds up Mario Party The Top 100 for 3DS]

Scott: -Mario Party The Top 100- this released two years later and is not in the running.

[He pauses, frowning. He looks down]

Scott: Wh- why is the floor wet?

[The camera shows a trail of wet carpet leading out the door. Ominous music plays. It cuts to the bathroom. A closed toilet is shown. In the background, Scott opens the door. The camera shows a shot of the toilet. Scott glances around uneasily and enters the room. He squats on the floor in front of the toilet and stares at it. He cautiously reaches out and lifts the lid. A copy of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash is floating in the bowl. The camera dramatically zooms in on it. Scott is shown looking horrified, shaking his head. He snatches the game out of the toilet bowl and holds it up to his face]

Scott: AAAAAAAAA-!

[His scream echoes as the screen cuts to black. Then, the scene changes to show Wozniak seated on an armchair, holding a clipboard and pen]

Scott: ''So. Tell me where it all began.''

[The camera shows the therapist lying on a couch. He sighs]

Therapist: Alright.

[A flashback of Animal Crossing: amiibo Festival | The Dark Age of Nintendo is shown. The therapist is seated on an armchair holding a clipboard and pen]

Therapist: ''So. Tell me where it all began.''

[The camera shows Scott lying on the couch. He sighs]

Scott: Alright.

[It returns to the present day. The therapist sits up]

Therapist: ''Oh! Oh, you're that guy!''

Scott: The one and only.

Therapist: I WAS YOUR THERAPIST!

Scott: You're more delusional than I thought.

Therapist: You were my patient that wouldn't stop talking about virginity!

Scott: Aaand not being your patient.

Therapist: You even played that mammal game with the toys?

Scott: ''I would remember if that happened. It's on my bucket list.''

Therapist: The tennis thing with big Luigi?

Scott: That game doesn't exist- it would be on the news.

Therapist: And you were about to talk about something else - that's where I called it!

Scott: See, this is where your story falls flat, it's really unlike me to talk about three things.

Therapist: ''You freaked me out, man! The fact that you gave a sh*t about three different games, it scared me! Who knows what you're capable of giving a sh*t about?!''

Scott: ''Let me get this straight. You believe I, who answered a want ad in the paper for a therapist, used to have YOU as a therapist and YOU went insane after therapy sessions with YOU about three games caused YOU to question faith?''

Therapist: That's my obituary!

Scott: OK, well, I can't help you until I know what the third game is gonna be.

Therapist: Why?

Scott: It sounds like a good thing to end my book - “My Patient's Personal Stories and I”.

Therapist: ''I don't know. You didn't talk about it. It was a game!''

[Scott pauses, glancing to the side and thinking]

Scott: ''Wait... wait, I remember a game...''

[He has a flashback of Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash | The Darker Age of Nintendo. He cautiously reaches out and lifts the lid of a toilet. A copy of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash is floating in the bowl. The camera dramatically zooms in on it. He snatches the game out of the toilet bowl and holds it up to his face]

Scott: AAAAAAAAA-!

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Scott: You WERE a therapist!

Therapist: ''I tried to be a news anchor, but I wasn't cut out. So I became a therapist, yeah.''

Scott: And I was your patient, and I had to go to you because I played three Nintendo games from 2015 that were so bad I had to seek therapy!

Therapist: ''Well, what was the third game?! What happened when you played the third game?!''

[Scott pauses, thinking. He glances at the camera. It cuts back to him screaming at the game]

Scott: AAAAAAAAA-!

[He abruptly stops screaming and stands up. He leaves the bathroom and enters his room, sitting down. He reads the back of the Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash box for a moment before taking out the game card, throwing the case on the ground, and putting the cartridge into his New Nintendo 3DS. He watches the home menu intro for the game]

Scott: After I get therapy for playing all three of these games, I'm gonna suppress everything, forget who I am, and become a therapist.

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Scott: And here we are today!

Therapist: So it's just a 2D game about a robot!

Scott: A… BAD 2D game about a robot!

Therapist: ...Those exist?

Scott: Not until 2015, they didn't!

Therapist: Listen, can you just get over this trauma so I can enjoy my therapy in peace?

Scott: No, you need to get over YOUR trauma!

Therapist: ''I need therapy, alright? And you're gonna give me advice on how to improve my mental health, AND YOU’RE GONNA LIKE IT!''

Scott: ''You were a therapist! Don't you give yourself therapy?''

Therapist: MY MIRROR'S IN THE SHOP!

Scott: ''You don't know what I go through every day. How do you expect me to give you secret therapy when we didn't even finish our original session?''

Therapist: You know, I'll tell you what - if I finish your session, will we do my therapy?

Scott: You know there are millions of customer support websites that would love to hear your personal problems?

Therapist: ''You need to finish what you started- we need to end this now…! I have dinner tonight with my family, and I gotta finish this before then, so I don't show up insane!''

Scott: ''Ok, fine. ...Let’s go to where it all began.''

[The scene changes to New Location McGee. Scott opens the front door and both he and the therapist enter. The therapist looks around]

Therapist: ''Nice place. ...This your couch?''

[He points at the couch. Scott stares at him for a moment]

Scott: Yeah.

[It cuts to the outside of the bathroom. Scott goes to open the door but stops]

Scott: ''Okay. This place- so…''

[He sighs and thinks for a moment]

Scott: ...You ever take a sh*t?

Therapist: Oh yeah, big fan.

Scott: ''Cool- so you know what this place is. This is the bathroom.''

[He opens the door]

Therapist: Those always there?

[He points. The camera shows a stack of copies of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash on the edge of the bath. Scott goes over and sits next to them]

Scott: ''Well, on the off-chance I need to restock- no, but… I keep these here as a hobby. I like to curate them.''

[He takes a copy off the top of the stack]

Scott: This game blows.

[He throws it into the toilet. He takes another]

Scott: Uh, this game blows!

[He throws it into the toilet. He takes another. The camera shows the therapist looking shocked. Scott continues to throw the copies of Zip Lash into the toilet and say “This game blows”]

Therapist: Oh-

[He starts backing away]

Therapist: ''Oh my God! It’s worse than I thought!''

[He runs down the hallway away from the bathroom. He runs up to a wall and pulls his arm back to slap. The camera shows a red button on the wall with the label “EMERGENCY THERAPY”. He slaps it, causing an alarm to start blaring and red lights to flash. It cuts back to the bathroom where Scott is holding a copy of Zip Lash in his hand, ready to throw. He glances around]

Scott: I really should have reconsidered installing that.

[The therapist runs into the bathroom and grabs Scott. The camera changes to in front of Scott’s desk. The door is slammed open and the therapist drags a struggling Scott over to the desk. Scott yells as he is thrown onto the desk, knocking everything over. It cuts to black. The therapist is shown sitting in front of the blue background around the desk, holding a clipboard]

Therapist: Y’know- I may have left the force a while ago, but when it comes to makeshift therapy offices, I still got it!

[The camera shows Scott is lying half upright on top of his desk and is taped to it]

Scott: [quietly] I’ve seen better.

Therapist: ''So. Tell me where it all went wrong.''

Scott: Well.

[He has a flashback of just a few seconds ago of him being thrown on his desk]

Therapist: This game is worse than I thought.

[It cuts to Scott holding a copy of Zip Lash against the carpet]

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash is a stupid f*cking f*ck sh*t f*ck f*ck sh*t.''

[It returns to the makeshift therapy session]

Therapist: You know, that sounds about right… but something just doesn’t seem right.

[Scott thinks for a moment]

Scott: ''Oh! Hey all, Scott here.''

Therapist: NOW THIS IS THERAPY!

Scott: ''Back in 275 B.C., Euclid did us all a solid and discovered the third dimension and it only took until 2015 for Chibi-Robo to piss all over that. Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash. Over the years I’ve been harsh to this game; calling it such names as “Bad”. You may say “Scott it’s just an opinion.” I’ll respond with “I don’t know, the fact detector says otherwise.''

[Scott is shown lying on his desk with a wire coming from his wrist to a laptop. “FACT” flashes on the laptop’s screen]

Scott: ''I don’t like this game. If it came to my funeral I’d be pissed I died in the first place. Of course, what makes it so bad?''

Scott: Satan.

Scott: Well, we should go all the way back to the early 2000s- a great time; this didn’t exist yet.

[Zip Lash’s box is shown]

Scott: ''The developer known as Skip Ltd. were widely known for being unknown… they’ve made quite a few titles in their day but none of them particularly did all too well. Most people have never even heard of any of the games they’ve worked on, but they still have a devoted fanbase. There’s truly nothing else like a Skip game. They have such distinct art styles and humor… it’s hard not to appreciate their creativity. Games like Giftpia on the GameCube, Captain Rainbow on the Wii… only Skip could have made these. And it’s a shame barely anybody outside of Japan could experience them, as they weren’t localized. They created the Art Style games on WiiWare and DSiWare, the game LOL for the DS- their LinkedIn is doing just fine, don’t worry. But the thing they’re most well-known for undoubtedly… is Chibi-Robo. And people still don’t know what this f*ckin’ thing is.''

[He shows the character of Chibi-Robo]

Scott: Here we have a developer, who works with Nintendo pretty much exclusively- they published all their games except LOL-

Scott: Take a chance for once!

Scott: -And most of their biggest games never left Japan, didn’t even do well in Japan to begin with and their mascot franchise which got six releases still isn’t actively known by anybody outside of this room.

[It returns to the therapy session]

Therapist: Wait, do I know what it is?

Scott: Are you lonely?

Therapist: No.

Scott: Then no.

Scott: ''Isn’t that weird? A developer that makes this many games with Nintendo, the biggest name in all of words and if I called the police saying “I was robbed! They took my Nintendo game developed by Skip!” They’d go “....Who?” Well, Skip is most known for Chibi-Robo; Announced in 2003, it was initially far different from the final product. It was a point-and-click adventure game to be published by Bandai. You had to tell that Chibi-Robo where to go and what to do… He was a tiny little robot exploring the home of an inventor - and like all good games with this premise, it was shelved. However, Shigeru Miyamoto of Nintendo got a good look at this game and expressed fondness of the character of Chibi-Robo. This is where the company stepped in and decided to publish the game instead of Bandai. Miyamoto joined as a producer and helped shape the game into the final product we have today which released for the Nintendo GameCube in 2005 for Japan and 2006 for the rest of the world.''

''”Chibi-Robo! Plug Into Adventure!” transformed from a point-and-click into a flat-out adventure game. You directly controlled Chibi-Robo exploring a family’s house instead of an inventor’s. The family bought their own Chibi-Robo helper robot- that’s me! Roaming around a standard house as a normal-sized human? Boo. As a robot the size of a quarter? It’s a dream come true! It’s really cool to run around a typical family home but from the perspective of a rat. Just climbing up furniture is like climbing up a mountain in a regular video game. It’s a fun concept and that’s not the only thing Chibi-Robo had going for it. This game is weird and different and that’s what I like about it. The humor and style is so… it. You meet so many crazy characters and the gameplay mechanics of having to find an outlet to plug in to recharge and trying to make the humans who bought you happy by accomplishing tasks and gaining Happy Points… This is a solid game that has that Nintendo charm- it sold horribly.''

[The sales figures for the game are shown with approx. 0.39m copies sold in total]

Scott: ''I mean, this released pretty late in the GameCube’s life - by the time Chibi-Robo came out I don’t think many people were interested on taking a risk on a character that’s plug-based on a system nobody had. It’s a shame because Chibi-Robo as a character has a similar level of charm as any of the other cutesy Nintendo mascots. If they just gave him a chance to succeed, he could live on for quite a long time.''

[It cuts to the therapy session]

Scott: Wanna know what happened?

[The therapist holds up slips of paper]

Therapist: Already got tickets to the funeral!

Scott: ''E3 2006. Chibi-Robo! Park Patrol was announced for the Nintendo DS- how the Hell did that happen? How do you make a GameCube game that does poorly and Nintendo goes “F*ck it. Here’s five more games.”? A sequel this soon and on the DS… it was surprising, but, ay! This game was coming out pretty early on in the DS’s life… it was on a much more popular system… I think Chibi-Robo may have a chance to do well here! Side note:''

[He is shown holding the game case for Park Patrol with his thumb covering the top left corner]

Scott: I love how I hold this box, I always hold it like this, but my other hand deserves some spotlight…

[He swaps hands, revealing a badge in the corner that says “Only At WALMART”]

Scott: ''WELP. Here in North America, Park Patrol was only available at Walmart. Heh- That’s great. I couldn’t think of a better store to sell a Chibi-Robo game. There are two types of Americans; people who shop at Walmart… and Chibi-Robo fans. There’s not much overlap. This seemed like a last-minute decision Nintendo of America made, as just about a month before the game released, GameStop was still taking pre-orders. I feel they just immediately had a bad feeling about this game and made a deal with Walmart and they probably jumped at the idea of having the exclusive rights to a Nintendo-published DS game- the hottest console out there and then they found out it was Chibi-Robo.''

[It shows Scott on his desk, staring at the camera. He breathes in sharply]

Scott: ...Great.

Scott: ''I think GameStop would’ve made more sense. Many believed Walmart was chosen due to Park Patrol’s themes of environmental conservation and how the store was aiming to not kill… as many dolphins that year. ...No. You really think Nintendo decided to specifically limit this game’s release just because Walmart’s views somewhat aligned with the slight theme of a Chibi-Robo game? No! They didn’t believe this game was gonna be a success and didn’t want a warehouse full of unsold copies.''

''Park Patrol released one day after The Legend of Zelda Phantom Hourglass- it got NO marketing here, you could only buy it at a store that keeps their games behind a glass door - you would have to say “One Chibi-Robo, please.” and I don’t have it in my heart to say that to an underpaid cashier. This game… ALSO didn’t do well. It did better in Japan- I mean, I can actually find commercials they released for it there. But here in North America? It’s pretty obvious why it didn’t sell. It’s unfortunate because it’s an okay-enough game. You’re Chibi-Robo planting flowers in a park. Bit of a different take from the original...''

''The DS just isn’t as good of a platform for a 3D adventure game like this… but it’s still a charming wacky little game. It still feels like Chibi-Robo. Though, not the same as the original. And Nintendo specifically requested that- they wanted this game to be a new spin on Chibi-Robo… they apparently thought the original didn’t sell well because right when everybody on the planet was about to buy it they looked up the genre.''

[The Wikipedia page for Chibi-Robo is shown. The genres for the game are “Platform, adventure”. It cuts to Scott lying on his desk. He throws the game away from him in disgust]

Scott: EUGH!

Scott: ''That makes no sense. Well, in 2009 the original Chibi-Robo had a shot at redemption - Nintendo was rereleasing old GameCube games on the Wii at budget prices with motion controls now! Dubbed the “New Play Control” line. Among games like Pikmin, Donkey Kong Jungle Beat and Mario Power Tennis, the original Chibi-Robo was set to release on the Wii. This may be a great chance for the game to find a new audience-! It was the only New Play Control game that didn’t release outside of Japan- are you f*cking kidding me? There would be no work required to bring this game over! It’s just the original GameCube game! The translation work’s already been DONE! You could’ve released this game on a… FAR more popular platform during the height of its popularity here in North America but, NO- “The last two games didn’t do well over here!”... Well of course they didn’t! You only released one at Walmart and the other one for a failed console and you marketed neither of ‘em!''

[It returns to the therapy session]

Scott: Sorry, I’ve been holding that in for 23 years.

Therapist: ...Didn’t this happen in 2009?

Scott: ''So. What’s next for Chibi-Robo? How about a true sequel to the original? Park Patrol was more of a different take on Chibi-Robo while this next game puts Chibi-Robo right back in a house, helping a family out. Same gameplay, same style. This is Chibi-Robo in its purest form- how did they f*ck it up?''

[The game box is shown. Text reading “ONLY IN JAPAN” is slapped on top of it]

Scott: ''WELL. Often called ‘Chibi-Robo! Clean Sweep’ by fans, this Nintendo DS game was a full-on continuation of the first game and was really quite good. But with this and the Wii rerelease of the original, could’ve brought new life to the series and introduced it to so many more people if they actually marketed and released them outside of Japan. But, no. Instead we had to wait four more years for more Chibi-Robo action.''

[The Earth appears with the text “With Chibi-Robo” underneath it]

Scott: Imagine the world without-

[The screen splits into two. The exact same Earth is shown on the right and left sides. The text under the right Earth says “Without Chibi-Robo”]

Scott: ''-Chibi-Robo games? In 2013, we got Chibi-Robo! Photo Finder for the Nintendo 3DS in Japan and one year later everywhere else. It was downloadable only and is more of a Park-Patrol-like Chibi-Robo game. And by that, I mean it was similar to the original style but with a fair amount of differences. This game focused on taking pictures with the 3DS camera to transport real world objects into the game’s world.''

''I think this was a totally decent little title… it looked quite good for being just a downloadable 3DS game, too- though it's more realistic-looking artstyle, while obviously done due to the photo-taking mechanic, isn’t nearly as charming as the typical Chibi-Robo style. Taking photos with the 3DS camera, though… I think that’s what killed a lot of interest in this game. If it came out in 2011 when the 3DS just launched… sure. But the novelty of augmented reality type stuff with the 3DS died off considerably by this point. Nobody really wanted to take pictures with their 3DS anymore so… building an entire game around it starring a character nobody knew- what do you mean “We’re going out of business.”? I mean, if playing a photo-based adventure game was your New Year’s resolution in 2014, f*ck it - the game released early January here in North America. It was perfect for that.''

Therapist: ''Oh, come on! You need to be more accepting of different resolutions. For example, my New Year’s resolution is to drink more.''

Scott: It’s July…?

[The therapist is shown drinking from a can. He crunches it up]

Therapist: ...YEAH!

Scott: ''It didn’t help that this game was announced in a Nintendo Direct with dozens of other announcements that EASILY overshadowed it. Like, people had more to say about Dr. Luigi. While I’ll give Nintendo credit that they truly kept trying with Chibi-Robo - far more than other franchises that sold even more… they just kept mishandling this series… it felt like they never wanted to blame themselves for the series’ low sales and instead chalked it up to “Oh, people just don’t GET Chibi-Robo!” …What’s there to get?- he’s a tiny robot! I personally believe you can take any character and make ‘em a success with the right type of marketing. Is there any reason why a fat pink circle does well-''

[Kirby is shown]

Scott: ''-but a tiny robot doesn’t? Nintendo believed that “If we don’t spend any advertising on Chibi-Robo and it still doesn’t do well, we probably have to add some gimmick or change the game for the next entry to make it more appealing!”''

[It cuts back to the therapy session. Scott dramatically gesticulates to accentuate his speech]

Scott: ''HOW DOES A COMPANY DO SO WELL BUT GOES F*CKING ASININE WHEN IT COMES TO CHIBI-ROBO?! WHAT’S SO DIFFICULT ABOUT UNDERSTANDING THAT “Hm- if I don’t market a game OR- if I release it at the end of a failed console’s lifespan OR- I only release it at a store that sells f*cking hoses at OR- maybe, if I take the only two games that may have had a chance in North America and only release it in Japan - then it may be MY FAULT the game’s not doing well- instead OF THE GAMES THEMSELVES!”''

Therapist: Moments like this make me really proud I was voted ‘Most Likely To Be Therapist’ in highschool.

Scott: Nice- I was voted ‘Most Likely To Go To Therapy’!

Scott: ''I’m not saying Chibi-Robo could be the next air, I don’t think it appeals to everybody, but there’s no reason why so many other games that are weirder and more complicated sell better - it’s not rocket science. Nintendo just doesn’t understand THEY’RE why the series fails to do at least a little bit better- not the series itself. But, see, that’s when we enter 2015 and Nintendo’s had enough of the series not doing well. They thought “You know what the problem with Chibi-Robo is?”''

[It returns to the therapy session]

Therapist: ''His lack o’... empathy?''

Scott: No.

Therapist: Overqualification?

Scott: Barely.

Therapist: Tax evasion?

Scott: That’s me.

Scott: ''Nope! It’s the fact Chibi-Robo… isn’t a 2D PLATFORMER!''

[It briefly cuts to the therapy session]

Therapist: That’s my parents’ problem with me too!

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo! Zip La…hrgh Zip…hrm… Sh*t game. I’ve always just had a bit of a problem with this one. “Oh, hi, Scott, it’s your mom - you’re adopted.”''

[Scott is shown on the desk]

Scott: [calmly] ''Oh, that’s understandable. I appreciate your transparency.''

Scott: ''”Oh, and Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash exists.”''

Scott: [distraught] NOOO-!

Scott: ''This was announced in a Japan-exclusive Nintendo Direct on May 31st, 2015. Starting things off, showing what Chibi-Robo’s all about- exploring 3D environments as a miniature robot. Now here’s the game you’re actually getting, ya dumb bitch. So why did they take Chibi-Robo and turn it into a 2D platformer? Well, 2D games are easier to develop, are more accessible, and generally sold much better for Nintendo at the time. After New Super Mario Bros.’ success, Nintendo went a bit 2D-crazy… n’ it felt like pretty much all they were making on the WiiU and 3DS at the time… were 2D games. Even their 3D games, like Super Mario 3D World were very much inspired by 2D games. It was pretty much a 2D Mario game, but with an extra axis. So, they probably thought “Oh, let’s turn Chibi-Robo into a 2D platformer so it’ll sell better!”''

''...Here’s the thing; the genre wasn’t the problem with Chibi-Robo- you can’t just take this character and put him in a kart racer and expect it to sell well. Consumers won’t go up to a game called ‘Chibi-Robo! Super Gas’ and go “Oh, finally, a genre I care about that Chibi-Robo’s in - I’m gonna buy this!” No, they’re still gonna go “...What the f*ck is a Chibi-Robo?” Just putting him in a 2D platformer is not going to do anything except make him blend into the crowd more rather than stick out.''

''Listen, I love 2D platformers… but Nintendo made too many of them on 3DS and WiiU! It just felt somewhat cheap and lazy to do nothing but 2D games instead of making a more in-depth 3D one. I think that was one of the problems with Nintendo this generation. Like, no wonder people didn’t buy the WiiU! 2D games are fun and more people can play them but they just aren’t as exciting to look at like 3D games are. You’re not gonna buy an entire console for one. The WiiU had a bunch of great 2D games… but that’s kind of all it had for a while. 2D platformers are games you don’t want to take a risk on… many of them, especially Nintendo ones, are moreso comfort food for people.''

''So tell me- WHY would you go wild with a game called ‘Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash’ if you want a 2D platformer when you can just buy New Super Mario Bros. 2 on the 3DS, or Donkey Kong Country Returns 3D, or Kirby Triple Deluxe, or Yoshi’s New Island, or Shovel Knight, or Sonic, or later on after Zip Lash released- Kirby Planet Robobot, Poochy & Yoshi’s Woolly World, Super Mario Maker? - like, sure! “Making this game a 2D platformer makes it more accessible.” Yes! But it set it up to compete against so many of Nintendo’s other properties. Like, do you really think Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash stands a chance next to Poochy & Yoshi’s Woolly World? Of f*cking COURSE not!''

[It returns to the therapy session]

Therapist: So you didn’t like that they turned a small robot into Poochy town?

Scott: Well, I personally feel there was a lot of potential for Chibi-Robo to work fine in 2D.

[The therapist looks at him and points]

Therapist: You’re mental.

Scott: Lemme finish.

Therapist: ''NO! You’re insane! And I don’t work with people who have mental problems!''

Scott: ...You’re a therapist.

Scott: ''It’s not that they turned Chibi-Robo 2D. I mean, if they did it right, it could be a cute little time. My issue is; why they did it, how they did it and WHEN they did it! They did this because Chibi-Robo never sold well so “Turn him into a 2D platformer!” That makes the whole game feel oddly patronising… like, “Oh, you didn’t get this, so here’s the most basic, by-the-numbers game we could possibly make! If this makes no sense to you; here you go, ya dumb bitch! Ya like it now?” The game looked… fine, initially, but nothing stuck out about it. It was just “Oh, here’s a 2D game with a whip. Everything’s made out of blocks, there’s nothing that takes advantage of the fact that Chibi-Robo’s a small robot.” You could’ve taken him out of the game and made him any character and given them a whip and it would’ve been the exact. Same. Thing. And they did this when the 3DS was FAR from lacking in 2D platformers. Like I said, this doesn’t make the game more appealing, it just makes it blend in with the crowd.''

''But, hey, here’s a Chibi-Robo amiibo that comes with the game, you should buy it! Oh, man, now people who collect amiibo HAVE to buy this, I mean, they just HAVE to! You get the figure and it barely does anything when you scan it into the game- you HAVE to HAVE it! The game was announced for North America one day later on June 1st in a Nintendo Direct Micro… playing around with the small size of Chibi-Robo. The game was announced for an October release. They showcased it at E3 later that month, not in their big Nintendo Digital Event, no, but at things like the Treehouse Live show.''

''It’s really weird to me that they didn’t just wait to reveal this game at E3 2015 and instead opted to talk about it in the Direct Micro… They padded out their digital event with stuff like talkin’ about Yoshi’s Woolly World for the 28th time like four days before it came out in Europe. Why not show off Zip Lash during their big event? If they went to all the trouble of turning Chibi-Robo into a 2D platformer for the sake of making it more widely recognisable and accessible, why not showcase the game in your big E3 show? Instead all you do is announce it in a video many people didn’t even know existed and proceed to not talk about it for four months until it comes out in October. Again- you like to act like you want this franchise to succeed but you just give up on it immediately after revealing a new game.''

[It cuts back to therapy]

Therapist: So what you’re saying is… it’s a sh*tty game.

[Scott stares at him. It cuts to a news article headlined “Zip Lash may be ‘the last chance’ for Chibi-Robo”]

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash was released on October 9th, 2015, here in North America and the developers basically guilted fans into buying it, saying how “Oh, this may be our last chance for Chibi-Robo!” Oh, please, you know what else was potentially the last chance for a franchise? Fire Emblem Awakening. That… ALSO released for the 3DS and it was pretty much the ultimate Fire Emblem at the time. Fans loved it and it created new fans. Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash is nothing like a Chibi-Robo game. It wasn’t what fans wanted, but they better buy it if they want more games! What does that tell Nintendo? If I buy this game, that’s telling them I want more 2D Chibi-Robo. ...I don’t. OR it also says I’ll buy anything Nintendo releases. ...I did.''

''So, for $29.99 you can buy this game by itself… for ten dollars more, you can get the amiibo bundle - this was originally the only way you could nab the Chibi-Robo amiibo here in the States, though, later on, Amazon exclusively sold it separately. I mean, I like this amiibo quite a bit. The plug is neat.''

[Scott tries to insert the plug on the amiibo figure into an actual outlet]

Scott: ''It’s too big to fit into an actual outlet. Curses. But this is a nice figure and I like the box I guess. The new Chibi-Robo logo looks better than the original in my opinion, though, the name- I found it odd that from-''

[Mario Tennis Ultra Smash and Paper Mario Color Splash are shown on the floor]

Scott: -October 2015 to October 2016,

[Scott slides a copy of Zip Lash over to the other two games]

Scott: ''Nintendo had a tendency to name games that were either polarising or negatively received with an ‘ash’ at the end of their subtitles. Well, at least here,''

[A Google search result showing the medical condition ‘Whiplash’ is shown]

Scott: ''Zip Lash is a fun play on words referencing a medical condition. I’d assume if this game got a sequel it would be called Chibi-Robo! Melanoma-Roma.''

[It cuts back to the therapy session]

Therapist: ''Oh, come on! I think Zip Lash is a great name. If they replaced the word ‘good’ with the word ‘Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash’, I’D HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT!''

Scott: You’d be okay with replacing a word just like that?

Therapist: ''Oh, I would. And that’s saying something. Words mean a lot to me. Words have been in my family for generations. I’m a word buff. Go ahead - name a word. Any word!''

Scott: What?

Therapist: Love that one!

Scott: Upon release, Zip Lash received…

[A picture of Zip Lash on a shelf being sold for $15 is shown]

Scott: ''A price drop. Yes, this did not do well commercially or critically. Sitting at a ripe 59 on Metacritic, was that deserved? No. Even zero’s too high. I bought this game at launch because I wanted to support the Chibi-Robo franchise; I wanted to see more games, I wanted the series to not have to worry about casket shopping after every entry. Plus, the amiibo was neat and I was in that ‘buy every Nintendo release you can’ phase of my life. I popped this game in, played it for 58 minutes and… and- I-I couldn’t do it…''

[It returns to therapy]

Therapist: So you’ve barely played this game, and yet you hate it this much?

Scott: No, I hate it way more than this much!

Therapist: ''You can’t form an opinion on a game you’ve barely played! It’s unethical! That’s why we have HR!''

Scott: So I should play ten hours of a game I already know I don’t like just to have an opinion on it?

Therapist: Well if you don’t like it, don’t play it!

Scott: But how would I know I don’t like it if I don’t play it?

Therapist: WELL JUST STOP DOING STUFF!

Scott: ''This game has spent enough time soaking. It’s time to play through it and give it a fair shot. Because, who knows? Maybe 60 hours in I’ll start to see its worth.''

[He holds a 3DS]

Scott: ''I will not put this down until I beat this game. So let me just…''

[He uses a glue stick to apply glue to his palms]

Scott: Do a little bit of this… little bit of that… there.

[He places his now glue-covered hands on the 3DS. He moves the 3DS down to reveal Zip Lash on the floor behind it]

Scott: ...F*ck.

[It cuts to the therapy session. Scott on the desk is now holding the 3DS]

Scott: Eh- can you put the game in for me?

Therapist: ''NO! That goes against my family’s tradition - they never ask me to pop in Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash and I will always never do that to honor them!''

Scott: ''Well, we’re gonna need help with this. ...Can you at least get this offa me?''

Therapist: Now, THAT, me and my family did all the time!

[It shows Scott on the desk. He is holding his phone to his ear]

Scott: I am forwarding this message to everybody in my contacts list - if you stop by tonight we’ll play…

[He stops and looks at his hand. He has written “WHEN IN DOUBT, LIE ABOUT GEX AGAIN” and taped a small picture of the Gex cover art for Playstation on his palm. He looks at the therapist and half shrugs]

Therapist: ''Don’t lie! I’ve lied before and it’s too fun.''

Scott: ''...Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash.''

[The doorbell rings. It cuts to him opening the door. Rex Mohs is there, leaning over and panting. The therapist stands behind Scott]

Scott: Did not take you as a Zip Lash fan.

Rex: ''I’m not. I knew you were lying, and I’m finally willing to give Gex a shot.''

Scott: ...Oh no.

[Jeb Jab suddenly appears from around the doorframe, looking excited. Rex looks surprised]

Jeb: ''It’s the Gex f*cks! Anyone up for round Gex?''

Scott: What if I told you I didn’t even own Gex and I wasn’t lying about Zip Lash?

Jeb: ''That’s ridiculous! We played Gex that one time.''

Scott: That was amiibo Festival.

Jeb: Well, that-

Scott: That was Ultra Smash.

Jeb: But-

Scott: That was a car wash we went through together.

Rex: Hey, I heard you didn’t own Gex.

Scott: From myself?

Rex: ''Heh. Yeah. Word gets around.''

[He hands a copy of Gex over to Scott. He takes it]

Scott: ''You keep these on you? I thought you hated Gex?''

Rex: ''Hey! I cross-reference that copy whenever I need to be reminded how much I hate Gex.''

[He looks at the copy that Scott is holding]

Rex: ''Yeah. Yeah. F*ck that lizard.''

Scott: ...Alright, let’s play Gex.

[He puts Gex in his pocket. It cuts to in front of the coffee table where a piece of paper with the word “GEX” written on it is stuck to the 3DS, covering the entire device. A copy of Zip Lash is next to it on the table. The four are shown sitting on the couch, with Scott holding the 3DS and the therapist holding a bottle]

Jeb: ''You know what I like about Gex? Consistency.''

[The therapist is now holding a can]

Scott: ''Okay, can somebody pop in the game for me? I-I can’t do it myself.''

[Rex pulls out a mallet and hits the 3DS out of Scott’s hands with the handle]

Rex: You knew that was going to end up happening anyways.

[Scott takes out another 3DS and opens it]

Scott: ...I was worried that 3DS wasn’t hammer resistant.

Rex: You’re welcome.

[Scott is now holding Zip Lash, looking intensely at it. The therapist is drinking a Capri-Sun]

Scott: Alright…

[It shows him holding the game’s box against the floor]

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash…''

[He turns the game box around to read the back]

Scott: “Swing into action with your Chibi-Plug and help Chibi-Robo save the world!”

[It returns to the couch]

Scott: ...I think I’m gonna be sick.

[He opens the case. They all yell and jump back, except for Jeb who grins and points at it. The therapist is holding a can again]

Therapist: It’s a f*cking Cheez-It!

[Hands wearing gloves are shown carefully removing the game card from the case and inserting it in the 3DS. The game in the 3DS home menu is shown. Scott looks forlornly at the 3DS]

Scott: Let’s get this over with.

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash opens up on a 40 second long CGI cutscene where Chibi-Robo swings his plug… and that’s it. Here’s the title screen. This looks disgusting. First off, oh great- a farm! That’s the first and only thing I think of when the act of Chibi-Robo comes up! Everything is really blocky and unappealing. To me, this feels like they were cutting corners and made really low-polygon models and tried to act like “Oh, that’s just the game’s artstyle.” Like, really? Is this REALLY an artistic decision?''

''So the story starts. Chibi-Robo’s cleaning a space shuttle.''

[It cuts to the couch. The therapist is weighing between a can and a Capri-Sun. Scott is looking at the camera]

Scott: I don’t give a sh*t!

Scott: ''Our assistant Telly appears asking if we want to kick it and watch some TV- the news comes on and it’s apparent that aliens have stolen natural resources from Earth. ...We gotta stop them! So here we go. We control Chibi-Robo, who woulda guessed? Jump with A and swing your plug with X, which is called a Whip Lash- this game is one big “F*ck you.” to WebMD.''

[The WebMD page for Whiplash is shown]

Scott: ''We can angle it in the air- that’s all we can do. Swing to the side, swing at one angle in the air, nothing else is possible, stop dreaming. That is, unless, we hold the Y button! That’s when the Zip Lash comes into play! Oh, oh, thank God, yes- finally- a good f*cking use for this button. The Zip Lash is a more powerful Whip Lash you have to charge up and then you can angle anywhere! You collect orbs throughout the level to increase the length of your Zip Lash and then you can get it going farther places but the length resets after every level so it might be a good idea to just give up!''

''So, yeah. The Zip Lash can go pretty far, look at that- somebody should name a game after it.''

[Him holding Ultra Smash and Zip Lash is shown]

Scott: ''Man, can you imagine a game with an Ultra Smash AND a Zip Lash? The Zip Lash needs to be charged, though, and it’s painstakingly long… it takes a couple of seconds and then you can aim and if I aim incorrectly, I have to charge it up again. Aiming the thing is way too finicky with the circle pad - you can move it more precisely with the D-Pad but now aiming is… ridiculously SLOW. So that means, well, just use the Whip Lash- but it’s so damn limiting - you can’t increase it’s length like the Zip Lash and you can only aim it in, like, two directions!''

''So, your options are either annoyingly limited or annoyingly slow. This isn’t fun. It feels like they were making the game and Chibi-Robo’s moveset was actually pretty interesting and well-developed and… you know… fun. And they said “You know what? This is too fun! Let’s split Chibi-Robo’s plug attack across two moves and give them annoying elements that forces the player to use both.” It’s not fun! I don’t jump at the chance to use a Whip Lash, I don’t jump at the chance to use a Zip Lash. I begrudgingly use them to progress. I mean, alright, the Whip Lash is good for up-close combat and the Zip Lash is good for far away stuff. I get they wanted to have a reason for you to use the Whip Lash AND the Zip Lash but, c’mon, out of ALL games to have coherent design decisions…''

''I’d personally design Chibi-Robo’s moveset to be a bit more FUN to use because the Whip Lash is too limited and the Zip Lash is too much of a hassle. I think charging the Zip Lash is unnecessary - charging it doesn’t make it go longer, or anything. I think just holding the button, it immediately lets you aim and then you can let ‘er rip. Maybe the downside would be the fact that once you let ‘er rip, you have to watch it do its thing afterwards. There’s still that slowness element but it would be a lot less cumbersome. And then you could have given the Whip Lash more angles to work with here while still being short in its reach. I think doing that and eliminating Zip Lash charge-up would still give you reason to use both moves. Of course, you may say “Scott! You’re not a developer, you don’t know the first thing about designing a game!” See, that’s the thing- I don’t know the first thing about game development, but that makes it even more fun to tell game developers what I would do differently!''

[It returns to the couch. The therapist is holding a Capri-Sun]

Therapist: ''You know this game doesn’t seem too bad so far. It has graphics… and… it exists.''

Rex: ''Yeah, you know me. I’m a sucker for existence.''

Jeb: ''Me too! That’s why I love Gex.''

[The therapist is now holding a can in each hand, weighing between the two]

Scott: ''Guys! Like, the game works but the movement is more annoying than fun. Like, just, gliding in the air - you have to hold X while falling- like, it just… doesn’t feel good! It feels awkward! It feels like a tacked-on move more than anything! And then there’s rolling in the game - like, you have to hold R and it’s only used in, like, four levels throughout the entire thing. I-It’s worthless!''

Therapist: ''Wait. There’s a roll in the game?''

[Everyone except Scott starts whooping and cheering. Rex slaps Scott on the back and he and Jeb high-five]

Therapist: ''WOO-HOO, YEAH! ROLL, BABY!''

Jeb: That’s f*ckin’ Gex!

Scott: ''Controlling the game works but I don’t find it fun - your moveset is moreso a means to get you to the end of the game rather than something I actively wanna use because it’s enjoyable. I mean, the game itself- it’s just Chibi-Robo going from point A to point B in the level, use your plug to do all kinds of things; kill enemies, latch on to areas- I can’t believe this game didn’t do well. You have plugs throughout the levels to recharge your health which gradually decreases throughout the level since you’re just on battery power. So, you plug in here but then can attach to these ORANGE things to fly up to higher ground. ...Why are they just orange things? What ARE orange things? Why aren’t they outlets? That’s one thing I just don’t get about this game; the art design context of everything and what the Hell they were going for.''

''So Chibi-Robo’s going on a journey throughout the world… we travel to Oceania, then North Africa, then the Caribbean, Europe, North America, the South Pole - real life places. So WHY are all levels so generic?! Why are they made out of BLOCKS?! Why is everything going for a low-polygon art style?! And where exactly am I in relation to these places?! Chibi-Robo’s a tiny robot- but I never feel that perspective in these stages. Sure, there might be a big hat or something in the background but most of the time, his size never amounts to anything in here!''

''The fact I’m in Europe doesn’t matter- these are just bland-looking stages that are just made up of f*cking TILES! Like, why do these levels look like they were made in a level creator? Just everything’s made up of blocks and if that’s REALLY the art style they were going for, why wasn’t Chibi-Robo redesigned to look more blocky to go along with the rest of the style? Why can I collect real world candies in the game that are designed realistically, but then the rest of the game looks. LIKE. THIS?!''

''But then the worlds I’m travelling to are real life locations! I’m supposed to actually believe this is Europe? But then when we’re about to fight a boss, Telly says “Oh, we’re about to fight World 1’s boss!” Like- who says that outside of a video game? That just feels lazy! Why couldn’t you just say “Oh man, this guy’s looking pretty tough!” NO-! “You’re about to fight the World 3 boss fight, sir- you are in a video game made of blocks even though we also like to act like you’re in real life Europe- here’s a realistic looking bag of Funyuns.”''

[It cuts back to the couch]

Rex: I personally… ENJOY how inconsistent the art style is.

Jeb: ''Yeah. Inconsistency is a fun quirk of Gex.''

Therapist: ''I think it really keeps you on your toes. Like a mouse.''

[The three agree with each other]

Jeb: Aw, yeah.

Rex: ''Yeah, yeah. Alright, yeah. Okay, I get it.''

Jeb: ''Okay. Alright. Yeah, yeah.''

Therapist: ...Yeah- yeah.

[As Scott talks, in the background, the therapist chugs a bottle]

Scott: ''How about- I think it’s confusing. None of this represents the fact that Chibi-Robo is a tiny robot which is his entire character, the block-based level design is putrid and this game just doesn’t know what it wants to be at ALL!''

[Everyone looks at Scott. It then cuts to the therapist sitting in front of the blue background around Scott’s desk, holding a clipboard and pen]

Therapist: ''So. Tell me where it all began.''

[Rex and Jeb are shown sitting on the desk]

Jeb: Oh, don’t even get me started!

Rex: I’m gonna need a priest.

Scott: ''So, we’ve got six worlds with six levels each in them. That doesn’t seem like a lot, but when we enter these levels, they really got around the lack of content here by making the levels never f*cking end. These stages take a good ten to twenty minutes to finish and with how there’s absolutely nothing interesting going on in them and how slow Chibi-Robo is, how slow the Zip Lash is to charge up, how limited the Whip Lash is - they feel a Hell of a lot longer. They’re beyond tedious! And it doesn’t help that this game just has a TON of collectibles hidden throughout the levels. They’re pointless. You have Chibi-Tots; they’re children. Big Coins; all these do is increase your score at the end of the level and there are so many of these things per stage I almost feel inclined to collect them but then I remember - these give you nothing, stop wasting your time, your time is valuable. And then I continue to play ten hours of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash.''

''Now, you do have those collectible snacks throughout the levels, too- the really realistic-lookin’ ones. You can nab these and then if you find a talking toy and give them all the snacks they want, you’ll unlock a costume. These talking toys are some of the only former resemblance this game has to actual Chibi-Robo games. Those titles had you meet up with wacky-looking characters. Eh- the toys are sort of that, but they just look completely out of place here. Like, it made sense when you’d see these things in the original game. They’re toys, you’re in a family’s house - do the math. Here, I’m just dicking around in the Caribbean and some toy’s randomly just hanging out in a portal. There’s no context to the place they're sitting in. It’s just… a place. There’s nothing going on here. Why are you here?''

''Why theme this entire game around a trip around the world when you aren’t actually going to make the stages look like they’re a part of that world and have random toys ask for snacks in them? Why not make this a 2D platformer taking place in a house or a school or something? That woulda forced the developers to think outside the box and try to design unique platforming stages around places like a kid’s room, a bathroom, a kitchen. Instead, they decided to go for a worldwide trip theme so they could just lazily use generic themes like grasslands, desert. They just went “Water level - we’re in the Caribbean!”''

[It returns to the couch. The therapist is drinking a Capri-Sun again. Scott is looking at the camera]

Scott: ANYWAYS.

Scott: ''The snacks you give to these toys are real world snacks and you get a giant advertisement told to you when you give them the food. Yes, this is blatant product placement and it’s even weirder based on how the rest of the game looks like this:''

[Gameplay of Chibi-Robo skateboarding is shown]

Scott: And then you find utz Cheese Curls and they look like that.

[Gameplay showing Chibi-Robo finding a very realistic-looking bag of utz Cheese Curls is shown]

Scott: ''To be fair, the snacks ARE from around the world and it doesn’t feel like advertising when it’s a foreign food. It’s moreso kinda just a ‘fun fact’ thing. But no matter what, this is obviously product placement at its worst- there’s no reason for this to be here! It doesn’t fit!''

''At least in a game like Pikmin 2, where there ARE real world objects in the game, 1- it fits more because Pikmin 2’s environments are supposed to look like the real world, it’s more realistic, and 2- they don’t openly advertise the products to you; they go “Oh! What’s this thing?” and they try to make sense of it themselves. It doesn’t feel like product placement in Pikmin 2 because the product placement ADDS to the experience. It makes it more realistic. Zip Lash pissed me off and makes me want Dots.''

[It cuts back to the couch. The therapist is inspecting a bottle]

Scott: ''SO! I hate how the game looks, the levels are incredibly boring and they go on forever, the product placement is completely out of place, the moveset is more cumbersome than fun - I don’t like it.''

Therapist: ''Well that sounds like somebody who hasn’t played enough of this game. Why don’t you play another five hours and come back to us?''

Rex: ''Yeah it’s a fine game. It’s not like the level progression’s locked behind one of the stupidest f*cking game mechanics you’ve EVER seen.''

[The therapist is drinking a Capri-Sun. Scott stares at Rex]

Scott: ...OH!

Scott: ''After you beat a stage, you have to spin the Destination Wheel. That sounds like fun! What does it do? Well it decides what stage you’re doin’ next! If you land on 1, you go to the next stage. If you land on 2, you go to the stage after the next. Now, you’ll still have to beat the stage you skipped over to progress. ...So what the f*ck is the point of jumPING ALL AROUND LIKE THIS?!''

''The six stages per world are set up like most 2D platformers - they gradually get harder the farther you go, so why make players play them out of order if that’s the case? And also all the stages are deliberately called “World 1-1”, “World 1-2”, “1-3”- there’s an OBVIOUS order to follow, here! WHY. Do I have. To spin. This wheel? The wheel isn’t meant to be fun. It’s meant to be a roadblock. Much like how the Whip Lash is limited and the Zip Lash is slow. Why wouldn’t I wanna go one stage at a time? I can’t see what any future stages are gonna contain. There’s no reason why I’d wanna play level 5 before level 3 so - why would I wanna skip around like this?!''

''Obviously, the game wants you to progress normally; The end of a level is symbolized by three UFOs- hitting the gold one gives you three Destination Wheel spins, silver gives you two, bronze gives you one. Obviously, you want the gold so you can guarantee you can keep spinnin’ the wheel to get the stage you want, as in… the next one in line. Because if you spin the wheel and it lands on a three, and, uh oh- you land on a stage you’ve already cleared… YOU HAVE TO PLAY. THROUGH IT. AGAIN!''

''The game knows this isn’t fun. Why else would they reward you with extra chances to spin by hitting the gold UFO? Why else would you be able to purchase wheel slots so you can get the exact number you want? ...Wait- WHAT THE F*CK IS THE POINT OF THIS THEN?! If I can just buy slots with the exact numbers I want with the coins I collect- that just defeats any and all purpose of the wheel! It’s just an annoying thing they added for the sake of being annoying! It doesn’t even make sense in the context of the GAME! At least things like the news broadcast you’re forced to watch in Splatoon… that may be annoying, but makes sense in the context of the game’s WORLD. A f*cking wheel DOESN’T. It’s even stupider that once you clear all the levels in the world and the boss appears… you still have to spin the wheel even when all the slots take you to the boss- what… is… WRONG with this game?!''

[It briefly cuts to the couch]

Rex: Not much.

Scott: ''Well I might as well go through all the worlds, I mean, what else is there to talk about? World 1 is Oceania and we got boring grassland stages, a stage where we’re on balloons and swinging back and forth brings it down, staying still brings it up.''

[It briefly cuts to the couch again]

Therapist: That saves the game right there.

Scott: ''World 1’s boss is a robot kangaroo thing. Fun. World 2 is North Africa. Basically the desert world of this game. We have a skateboard stage in here- I died twice and gave up. When you die twice or more, you can just clear stages with coins- I have no shame. This game is far from difficult - it’s incredibly easy - but if you happen to fall down a pit or something, starting back at the last checkpoint is grueling due to how slow everything is. I hate the idea of having to do everything in this game all over again. And if you lose all your energy, you have to restart the level. And for these vehicle gimmick stages, it’s really easy to get a game over because either your robot energy is being used by the vehicles, or just one screw-up is an immediate failure and you have to start the whole level over again- f*ck thumbs and anything that’s played this game.''

''The boss of this world is a snake-pharaoh thing - grab bombs and throw it in its mouth. Just getting the bombs over here takes a while and waiting for the snake to open up its mouth takes a while- this boss took 15 minutes to complete and I didn’t die at all, it just took a long time- I was considering giving up here. I considered giving up as soon as I left the womb but alas, here I am- World 3; the Caribbean. The ocean stage. Where Chibi-Robo pulls a Moses and parts the Red Sea.''

''There’s an ice Chibi-Robo power-up where we get to turn water into ice for a second. There’s also a fire Chibi-Robo power-up where we get to turn things on fire. But both of these pretty much equate to ‘hold right, you’ll demolish anything in your path.’ There’s a jet-ski thing and then this submarine… is one of the worst controlling things humanity has ever created. It is so slow… and delayed. It is a submarine. It should feel slightly slow and delayed. ...But this is SO SLOW and delayed. I-It’s just not fun. Like 90 percent of what this game does, they force these little irritations in there. They could’ve made this game, at the very least, fun to control- but for SOME REASON they think adding an annoying thing to every controllable aspect of this game is good game design. And then the boss of this world- you use the damn SUBMARINE AGAIN!''

''World 4 is… Europe or- the forest, where it’s just the same 2D platforming again, the return of the stupid balloon thing- I skipped this one- the boss is bats. World 5 is North America- alright, homefield advantage. This is an industrial world- lot of factories. Another skateboard level. I skipped this one. The boss is… this. And World 6 is the South Pole. ...The South. Pole. It’s really weird the final levels are snow-themed. ...It’s even weirder half of them are lava-themed. So I guess the idea is that the aliens have done so much damage to the world that the South Pole is on fire, maybe- or MAYBE they just decided to slap real-world places on the names of these worlds at the last-minute. The controls… in this world… oh… Christ God.''

''I actually usually like ice worlds in games… the physics are generally tolerable to me and I enjoy the winter aesthetic but HERE - the controls are terrible. It’s not only slippery, but everything is so delayed and slower than ever before- this is unbearable! There’s another jet-ski stage- skipped it- I kept running out of battery power and got two game overs and didn’t have the energy myself to figure out what I was doing wrong. World randomly throws you a lava stage halfway through. ...Goes back to an ice theme and then another lava theme.''

''The… final boss. Oh my Go- I don’t know if I’m happy I finally finished this game and can actively call it a piece of sh*t or if I’m sad I stooped to the level of beating Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash. The boss is a giant alien ship- we grab the tiny alien UFOs, they become laser guns and we have to shoot all the bright spots on the ship in the background. ...Honestly the best fight in the game. It’s a decent fight, not hard at all, but I think it was a neat little change of pace. But of course… this wasn’t the final boss… there’s a FINAL final boss! We have to build a giant Chibi-Robo robot to fight it… and now…''

''...We have to buy the pieces to make the robot. ...This money I’ve collected… has had no use… outside of skipping levels… buying number panels… and buying items throughout the stage if you needed them… I did not. But right before… the final boss… you’re telling me… I had to be grinding for coins… this ENTIRE. TIME. Why not make it so that every boss fight, you have to purchase things so it gets in my Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash-beating head that I might need to save up coins for the FINAL BOSS?! I only had enough coins for the head. Now I have to go back through the game… and grind for 20,000 coins to buy body parts… to beat the final boss… I. Am f*cking. Fun.''

[It briefly returns to the couch. The therapist holds a can in on hand and points at Scott with the other]

Therapist: ''YOU... should probably get on that.''

Scott: I-I can use the amiibo…

[He flips over a Chibi-Robo amiibo to read the copyright information on the figure’s base]

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo’s still partially owned by Bandai- I’m still not happy. We can get World 7- Asia- with it by scanning it in, it’s a bonus world and… oh my Go- why didn’t the rest of the game look like this? I mean, there are still blocks but this looks so much more appealing than the rest of the game. You can level up our Chibi-Robo amiibo and become SUPER Chibi-Robo, which is just a slightly powered-up Chibi-Robo… I- I-I-I- don’t know what else to say, man. I don’t wanna play through hours more of this game just to get coins for a final boss I’m not gonna like. ...So-''

[The scene changes to show Scott in front of his computer. Rex is sitting behind Scott with Jeb and the therapist stood behind him. They all watch the computer. It shows they are watching a YouTube video of gameplay of the final boss and ending of Zip Lash]

Scott: I can see where the budget went.

Therapist: You know, it all comes together in the end.

Rex: I mean, I like the game, but now I really like it.

Jeb: Gex.

Scott: ''Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash is not a good game. It’s a painfully generic 2D platformer and spits in the face of what the original Chibi-Robo represented and showcases my problems with some modern Nintendo games. It felt like it was talking down to the consumers - “Oh, people don’t like this- but they’ll like this- a boring, annoying 2D platformer with terrible art design and no idea what it wants to be.” The levels are designed alright, the game functions, but is that really enough to call a game okay? No - there’s no reason to play this game and it annoys me that they held the series hostage over this thing’s success. I don’t think Skip developed much of this game- the developer Vanpool is in the credits and looking at their history with games-''

[The Wikipedia page for Vanpool and their games is shown]

Scott: -like Wii Play Motion and the minigames in Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga… I feel like they primarily developed this game and Skip kinda just oversaw it.

[He is shown holding the boxes for Animal Crossing: amiibo Festival, Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash and Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash in one hand against the floor]

Scott: ''Comparing these three games is tough but I easily dislike Zip Lash the-the most. They’re all terrible, but amiibo Festival has some dumb sarcastic fun to be had in it and Ultra Smash, at its core, has a fine base for a Mario Tennis game. Zip Lash… every element of it… I have problems with. And as I progress through the game… it just irritated me more and more. It was painful to play through, this game slogs on and on. It’s not fun. Every aspect of the gameplay, they added an annoying element for seemingly no reason other than to just… be… annoying! I have no idea why they did any of this considering they wanted Chibi-Robo to be a success- throw in a Destination Wheel! Chibi-Robo’s future is on the line! It’s been five years since I bought this… and even though I’m 97% finished… I’m done. ...And I think I’ve played enough to consider this… my least favorite game… of all time. It. Blows.''

[It returns to the group in front of the computer. Scott is holding the 3DS]

Therapist: Seems a little harsh- acting like you hate the game or something.

Scott: I do!

Rex: But you said the level design’s alright- you must love the game, then.

[Scott gets up from his chair. He stands in front of his closet to talk to them all]

Scott: ''Just because a game doesn’t inherently have terrible level design, or… any major bugs or glitches… that doesn’t mean it’s fine- it just means it works. Just because a game works, doesn't mean it’s good. I… don’t like playing this game! I hate what it stands for! I don’t like that they made fans of Chibi-Robo buy this with the hope of Chibi-Robo having a future. I don’t like that they thought so low of people and consumers, thinking that they’ll love this generic, terrible, 2D platformer. I. Don’t. LIKE this game!''

Rex: You know, when you put it that way - I kinda like the idea of this game being terrible.

[The therapist is taking the cap off a bottle]

Therapist: ''Yeah. And as a therapist, therapy generally moves the quickest when I agree with everything the patient has to say.''

[He is shown opening another bottle and drinking it]

Jeb: Gex will be Gex!

Scott: You know… I’ve had a ritual for the past three years or so.

[He has a flashback. Scott is shown throwing Zip Lash into a toilet, originally from A Look Back at the Nintendo 3DS. However, the other occasions shown are new and not from previous episodes]

Scott: This game blows!

[Another clip shows Scott, wearing a blue-gray hoodie, throwing Zip Lash into the toilet]

Scott: This game blows!

[Another clip shows Scott, wearing a gray sweater with dark red sleeves, throwing Zip Lash into the toilet]

Scott: This game blows!

[The final clip shows Scott, wearing a red hoodie, throwing Zip Lash into the toilet]

Scott: This game blows!

[The flashback ends]

Scott: ''As much as I like that, I think I want to end this - now. How can we take each and every one of the Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash games in existence and eliminate each and every one of them?''

[The camera cuts to show a copy of Zip Lash floating in the toilet. The scene then changes to outside. Scott is standing next to a manhole cover. He points at it]

Scott: We’re swimmin’ with rats.

[Rex, Jeb and the therapist are shown standing in a row]

Rex: ''Can’t swim, love rats. I’m in.''

Jeb: More of a lizard guy.

Therapist: I’m DEATHLY afraid of circles.

Scott: ''C’mon, guys- I have thrown 95% of Zip Lash’s population down the toilet over the past three years. If we go down there right now, we can finish them off before they ever resurface.''

Therapist: I have as much confidence in this as I have facial hair.

Scott: You have facial hair.

Therapist: WHERE?!

[He covers his moustache with one hand]

Jeb: ''Well I’m in. You know what they say- W-W-G-D.''

Scott: ’What Would Gex Do’?

Jeb: The G stands for Jesus.

Scott: Alright- Rex.

[He points at him. The camera cuts and Rex is shown rapidly sprinting away from the group]

Scott: Well the revolution isn’t for everybody.

Therapist: ''Oh- I dropped something down the toilet last week. Remind me to look for it.''

[Eerie music begins to play as the camera cuts to show an eerie sewer tunnel. The color drains as a shot of Scott and Rex walking next to a concrete wall fades over it. It then cuts to the therapist also walking underneath a bridge. Footage of a cave ceiling is shown. It cuts to Scott looking around and then Jeb walking over dirt. Color returns as a scene of Scott wading through water fades in. He looks around. He is followed by Jeb and the therapist. The therapist walks up to something floating in the water]

Therapist: OH-!

[He picks it up]

Therapist: There are my jeans!

[He holds up his water-soaked jeans and grins at the other two]

Scott: Okay, so keep an eye out for these games.

Jeb: What does it look like again?

Scott: Uh… hard to describe… shapes, four sides, colors…

Therapist: ''Does it have ‘Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash’ on it?''

[Scott claps his hands together]

Scott: Yes!

[The therapist points down]

Therapist: There they are.

[Copies of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash are shown floating downstream around their legs]

Scott: I just thought that’s what water looked like now!

[He quickly ducks down and fishes a copy out of the water, looking at the back of the box. Jeb looks at the game over Scott’s shoulder]

Jeb: [frowning] Weird name for Gex.

[The camera shows the floating copies of Zip Lash start to swirl in a circle]

Jeb: Why are the copies circling around?

[The copies are shown circling again before they begin to coalesce. The therapist is shown holding his head with his hands in distress]

Therapist: I F*CKING HATE CIRCLES!

[The mass of copies is shown shifting and swirling. Suddenly, a brown, tentacle-like appendage sprouts from the water. The copies swarm over the tentacle. The therapist, Scott and Jeb watch cautiously as the appendage shifts and grows. The camera cuts to show that the copies of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash have formed a tall, brown, slightly bulbous creature that is covered in copies of the game. It’s skin writhes. It cuts to show the creature’s shadow looming over the trio]

Therapist: All the copies you’ve thrown down the toilet over the past three years have become… sentient?

Scott: That’s why my plumber f*cking hated me.

Jeb: Guys, c’mon- Gex wouldn’t do this - right Gex?

[He grins and points at the creature. Dramatic music plays and the other two watch in shock as the creature sprouts a tentacle, which reaches down and takes Jeb. The creature is shown retracting the tentacle. The therapist points at the creature]

Therapist: IT’S THE ANTI-GEX!

[Scott also points as he yells]

Scott: NO, IT’S JUST A SEWER MONSTER COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF COPIES OF ZIP LASH!

Therapist: ...I’m going with ‘The Anti-Gex’.

[It cuts to show the creature as Jeb’s echoey voice comes from it]

Jeb: Even ‘The Anti-Gex’ has the word ‘Gex’ in it.

Therapist: Now that’s what I call a good point.

[Suddenly, the dramatic music swells as another tentacle takes the therapist. Scott watches in horror. The creature is shown sprouting three tentacles from it’s sides and top which form three-fingered hands at the ends. Scott stumbles backwards and begins to run away from the monster as its shadow looms over him. The camera cuts farther away to show Scott running to the left, away from the creature which is gliding after him in the water. Scott turns around repeatedly to look at him. The camera cuts closer again as Scott turns around. The creature has stopped and a funnel-like appendage forms at its center. It spits at Scott, shooting a copy of Zip Lash at him, which he barely catches. He tosses the game back at the monster, but the copy just bounces off it. Scott starts running left again. It cuts to Scott running towards the camera and then him coming to a stop. The creature looms again. Scott points at it. Behind Scott, Rex is seen jogging in the water to him]

Scott: ''I’m tired of this! You’re a terrible game! But that doesn’t mean I wont overcome you - I’m better than that!''

[Rex stops running and doubles over, winded, just behind Scott, who notices and turns around]

Scott: You’re back…?

Rex: I needed energy…

[He pulls a corndog out of the wrapper he is holding]

Rex: And ammo.

[He takes a bite from the corndog before throwing it at the monster. The music stops and the corndog bounces off the creature anticlimactically. Rex and Scott stare at it. Rex claps his hands together]

Rex: ...So what’s the game plan here?

[The music starts again as yet another tentacle reaches out and takes Rex. Scott watches in disbelief again. The monster sprouts an arm again and flexes its fingers. It sprouts another arm as it dives towards Scott, grabbing his arms]

Scott: What the Hell IS the game plan here?!

[It cuts to show the creature again as Rex’s echoey voice comes from it]

Rex: What’s the exact opposite of this thing?

Jeb: Not Gex, that’s for sure.

[Scott thinks for a moment]

Scott: No… no, I think it’s Gex.

[He pulls one arm away from the monster and takes the copy of Gex from his pocket that he put there earlier. He slaps it against the creature. Dramatically, the creature is shown expanding before the music stops and it pops with a squelch. The scene cuts back to the couch, where the group of four are all sitting, covered in blood and staring into the distance]

Rex: ...Heh- you know, I’ve always wondered what trauma felt like.

[He turns to show the right side of his face is drenched in blood. It cuts to Scott, who gently shakes his head before he addresses the group]

Scott: ''...Thanks. Thanks for sticking it out with me. I- I-I got it all outta my system. Nintendo had a BAD 2015 but that doesn’t mean I should let it affect my mental health. And… so what if somebody likes a game I dislike? It doesn’t matter - they’re wrong anyways!''

Therapist: ''It’s been an honor serving you. I can finally tell you why you’re so messed up in the head. After playing a game as good as Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash, it’ll definitely make you feel inadequate.''

[Scott stares at him. He sniffs]

Scott: Sure.

Therapist: ''You can rip up that raincheck for therapy I had with you. I’m good on my own now. I think I’m gonna start my own therapy business… call it the ‘Think Barrel’.''

Rex: Ah, good on you.

[He turns to face the camera]

Rex: I love seeing therapists start their own business.

Scott: ''Yeah! Uh… what was your name?''

Therapist: Dr. Attricks, but you can call me Jerry.

Scott: Thank you Dr. Jerry Attricks… you know, I still have this on me.

[He pulls out the copy of Gex]

Jeb: ''Oh my God- for real?! Oh yes! We’re turning this Gex night into a Gex year!''

[ [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_NI0R8LYWE Scott The Woz Ending Theme - Chibi Robo! Zip Lash Rearrangement] begins to play as the Gex opening cutscene is shown on the TV screen. It cuts to show the couch, with Scott holding a controller. Jeb looks at him]

Jeb: What the f*ck is this?!

[Wipes to blue. The “The Dark Age of Nintendo” title appears. “DIRECTED, WRITTEN AND EDITED BY SCOTT WOZNIAK” appears bit-by-bit in time with the music. The credits roll. It wipes to black as the credits music ends]

[End.]

Trivia

 * The video is the second longest video uploaded to the Scott The Woz YouTube channel, having a runtime of 1 hour, 45 minutes, and 47 seconds.
 * Despite not being a unique episode, the video was originally in the Scott The Woz (All Episodes) playlist.
 * The video is the second most viewed video on the Scott The Woz YouTube channel, being about two million away from the most-viewed video, this being Game Controllers.