Episode 195: You're Not an RPG Guy: A Scott The Woz Christmas

You're Not an RPG Guy: A Scott The Woz Christmas (titled Oh Thank GOD I'm Done during uploading) is the 45th episode of Scott The Woz Season 4 (also the season finale) and overall the 195th episode. The video was uploaded on December 24, 2020, by Scott Wozniak on Scott The Woz.

Description
Scott's wrong. Happy Holidays!

Characters

 * Scott Wozniak
 * Terry Lesler
 * Jerry Attricks
 * Rex Mohs
 * Target Employee
 * Jeb Jab
 * Kay Swiss
 * Grandia II
 * God

Credits

 * Directed by Scott Wozniak
 * Produced by Scott Wozniak
 * Written by Scott Wozniak
 * Edited by Scott Wozniak
 * Scott Wozniak as Scott Wozniak
 * Joe Robertson as Terry Lesler
 * Justin Womble as Jerry Attricks
 * Eric Turney as Rex Mohs
 * Dominic Mattero as Target Employee
 * Sam Essig as Jeb Jab
 * Jeffrey Pohlman-Beshuk as Kay Swiss
 * Jason Gastrow as God
 * Branding by Nico Vliek
 * Logo by Nico Vliek
 * Original music by Nicholas Karr, Oliver Glynn, Nicolas Pressley, Tyler Pfedderer, Quincy Chapman, Garrett Williamson, Scott Wozniak, Chase Akers, Scott Williamson, Mark Douthit, Emma Rose Williamson, Zach Frazier, Tracie Williamson
 * Animation by Emily Wolver, Adie Valavanis, Gus J. Agosto, Salvador Sánchez Del Real, Amie Sanchez, HorrorFreak, Mady Periut, Marie Lum, Emily Martinez, Leah Dejohn, MsCapzy, Jan Kucharzewski, Dalton Brown, Juliana Nascimento, SirLenward, Jack Muino, Deon Parson, Annelise Steffensen, Julia Quandt, Armand Gidnap, GeorgeGW, Michafrar, BlueBandanaJake, Parker O'Donnell, SpiderKnife

Special Thanks

 * ConnorEatsPants
 * Spawn Wave
 * Richard Masucci
 * Jon Cartwright
 * Nintendo Life
 * Nitro Rad
 * Quinton Reviews
 * Craig Skitz
 * Good Vibes Gaming
 * Matt McMuscles
 * Nathaniel Bandy
 * Akfamilyhome
 * Pixel Empire
 * Josh Ketchen
 * Marta Gagean
 * Yogcavey
 * John Allison
 * Barrett Biggers

Plot
During the Christmas holidays, Terry Lesler, Rex Mohs, Target Employee and Jerry Attricks tie up and hold Scott Wozniak captive due to his dislike of RPGs, each giving speeches to convince him to become an RPG guy, even though none of them know what RPGs are. In the voice-over portion of the video, Scott talks about his history with video games and eventually begins to discuss the nature of RPGs, categorizing them into eight different categories:

1) Elf Sh*t (Fantasy RPGs)

2) Wait Your Turn F*cker (Turn-based RPGs)

3) Oops (RPGs with random encounters)

4) Feeling Like You Did Something Today (RPGs with progression)

5) Incredible, Engaging, Long-Winded, Weird As Hell Stories/Plots (Story-based RPGs with strange plots)

6) These Games Never F*cking End (Long RPGs)

7) Sensory Overload (Over-complicated RPGs)

8) Ass-Long Titles (RPGs with incredibly long names)

Rex Mohs ends up bringing in Kay Swiss of Bankruptcy Patrol, who tells Scott and the others that Scott's lifestyle of purchasing but not playing RPGs is heavily damaging the economy. Afterwards, Jeb Jab (Working as a mailman) arrives to bring Scott Madden 08, which Scott learns, to his dismay, is actually an RPG. This leads to him running to his room to actually try and become an RPG guy and try out games like Dragon Quest and Final Fantasy. After having a minor crisis over RPGs, Scott ends up in a void and talks to God, who tells Scott that he crafted humanity with the distinct trait to not like RPGs and that it's okay to not be an RPG guy, but tells him that playing new games can open his eyes to new experiences he would have never had otherwise. Meanwhile, the others place a Fling Smash order to give to Scott, but he's too busy cursing at RPGs to accept it.

Music
WIP

End Cards

 * Speed Dating
 * A Very Madden 08 Christmas
 * It's a Bargain Bin Christmas

Gallery
WIP

Transcript
[The video opens with Scott Wozniak and Terry Lesler in a car together. Terry is driving and sharply turns the wheel to the right and the car is shown turning around with skidding wheels]

Scott: ''What are you doing? The funeral home's that way!''

Terry: ''We're not going to a funeral. I knew that was the only way to get you in the car.''

Scott: ''What the hell?! I bought new shorts for that!''

[He holds up a pair of shorts]

Terry: You've been going down a bad path lately.

Scott: How lately?

Terry: About the past 23 years, give or take.

Scott: I can't help what I did as a fetus- I'm sorry.

[It cuts to the two exiting the car]

Scott: You took me from my apartment just to drive me back to my apartment?

Terry: Breaking and entering isn't as fun if you know what's happening.

[It cuts to Scott opening the door of his apartment. He and Terry enter. Jerry Attricks, Rex Mohs and Target Employee are sitting in the armchair and on the couch. Scott looks at them and rolls his eyes as he addresses Terry]

Scott: [exasperated] I'm not an alcoholic.

[Jerry holds up a piece of paper that says “SCOTT WOZNIAK”, “RACE: ALCOHOLIC”]

Jerry: Your file says otherwise.

Terry: Listen- you're an alright guy- damn near human.

Target Employee: We just wanna to FIX you.

Scott: ''I would have to be mentally broken or not already castrated for you to do that. I'm good.''

Terry: [knowingly] ''Oh… Alright. How 'bout you just open your Christmas present from this year.''

[He hands Scott a small, rectangular wrapped gift]

Scott: ''Oh, boy! I hope it's a snake!''

[He enthusiastically tears off the paper, revealing that the gift is a copy of Xenoblade Chronicles: Definitive Edition for Nintendo Switch. He looks over the game with disgust, struggling for words]

Scott: WHAT THE FU-

[He is tackled to the ground by Rex, who begins tying him up with some rope as he struggles]

Terry: Somebody shut him up with some duct tape!

Rex: On it.

[He holds up a roll of duct tape and tries to shove the whole roll into Scott's mouth, causing him to let out a muffled scream. It cuts to black before showing Scott, looking disheveled, sitting tied-up with the tape roll in his mouth. He spits it out]

Scott: ''What the hell?! What could possibly be wrong with me?''

[The others are shown sitting down]

GUYS: [In unison] You're not an RPG guy!

[Scott stares at them]

Scott: ...I thought that was my race.

Jerry: ''Nope! My bad! Got 'em mixed up.''

[He holds up a piece of paper that says “SCOTT WOZNIAK”, “RACE: NOT AN RPG GUY”, “SEX: NO”, “ZODIAC: ALCOHOLIC”. The opening credits music starts up as a blue checkered screen slides down to fill the screen. Two Scott The Woz symbols fall too before the text “SCOTT WOZNIAK PRESENTS” appears in the form of unfolding paper. Everything slides down to show a black screen covered in golden stars. “YOU'RE NOT AN RPG GUY”, “A SCOTT THE WOZ CHRISTMAS” appears]

[It cuts to black before a miniature recreation of Scott's desk falls into place. A paper cut-out version of Scott falls and stands up in front of it. It then cuts to another cut-out of Scott standing in front of a Bluth 2017 calendar. He thinks for a moment before donning a hat for “Why is Scott Wearing That Hat? Day”. The text “STARRING SCOTT WOZNIAK” appears. It then cuts to a scene of cut-outs of Terry, Jeb Jab and Scott standing in a garage. The text “JOE ROBERTSON” and “SAM ESSIG” appear on screen as the cut-out of Jeb opens Scott's coat to reveal a concealed jug of milk. Terry and Jeb start moving angrily]

[It then changes to a scene of a cut-out Rex sitting in a chair with Wendy's Employee standing beside him and watching with concern. The text “ERIC TURNEY” and “DOMINIC MATTERO” appear on screen as Rex begins to rapidly drink and cut-outs of water bottles appear on the table beside him. Wendy's Employee looks at the game case in his hand with confusion. It then cuts to a split scene of cut-outs of Jerry and Kay Swiss with the text “JEFFREY POHLMAN-BESHUK” and “JUSTIN WOMBLE”. On the left, Jerry is sitting in an armchair with one leg crossed over the other in his therapist's office with a clipboard and pen. He repeatedly twirls the pen and kicks one foot. On the right, Kay Swiss sits sternly at his desk with a stack of wet games next to him. He touches the games and reels back in disgust when his hand becomes wet]

[It then cuts to a cut-out of Scott in a Santa Claus outfit running in a snowy landscape. He trips over a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and falls. The camera pans up to show three Xbox One copies of Madden 18 falling from above. The Scott cut-out jumps up in surprise and runs away. Text saying “ANIMATION BY ADIE VALAVANIS” and “EMILY WOLVER” appears as the game boxes continue to dangle. It then cuts to a scene of another cut-out Scott in a Santa hat holding a canteen. He tosses the canteen onto a pile of other canteens as the text “BRANDING BY NICO VLIEK” appears]

[It then cuts to another cut-out of Scott with the text “MUSIC BY NICHOLAS KARR”. A PS4 game box, Xbox One game box and PS5 game box all fall from above into the cut-out's hands. Scott looks at the boxes with a smile and happily holds them up to his cheek. Finally, it cuts back to the miniature recreation of Scott's desk with the text “DIRECTED, WRITTEN AND EDITED BY SCOTT WOZNIAK” as multiple cut-out versions of Scott rotate into existence and imitate a “Hey all”. The music comes to a close as the desk backdrop fades to black, leaving just the text on screen]

[The scene cuts to Jerry in the armchair, holding his phone]

Jerry: ''Hey- good news; we're not getting charged with kidnapping. I just got off the phone with the government and we're on good terms.''

[Target Employee is shown sitting next to Rex on the couch]

Target Employee: Oh, tell them I said hi!

[Terry is shown sitting on his own on the couch]

Terry: ''You know what, Rex? How 'bout you go?''

Rex: As Scott's roommate of nine months, I think that makes sense.

[Scott is shown still tied up, but now sitting on the couch]

Scott: You're not my roommate.

Rex: [offended] ...I thought you knew.

[He stands up, holding a sheet of paper, and starts sniffling]

Rex: [upset] ''Alright- I don't know what RPGs are... but I think you're being a little bitch about 'em.''

Target Employee: Yeah, what ARE RPGs again?

Terry: I dunno- a gun?

Scott: Do I at least have a chance to explain myself?!

Jerry: This is America - so, NO!

Scott: This isn't America- THIS IS OHIO!

Scott: It all started 23 years ago… the doctors said:

[Clubhouse Games 51 Worldwide Classics is shown being held up]

Scott: ''”It's not an RPG fan!”. Contrary to popular belief, I didn't always play video games, which is why there are no records of me prior to '03.''

[The text “2003” appears on screen]

Scott: ''This was the year I truly started playing video games.. so, pretty much the year I was truly born. Which- you know what that means-''

[The text “2003-2020” is shown]

Scott: ''I'm a minor! I remember my first experiences with the medium being in the arcade… you know, you go to the laundromat as a kid and you're a big fan of the dryer but then as soon as you lay eyes on the Galaga in the corner, well, the laundry fandom lost a member. The classics; Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, Galaga- these are my favorites so you know I'm fun at parties. My first video game experiences and to this day, they're some of my most beloved titles. Sorta lame to say. Saying you love arcade games and your favorite is Pac-Man is like saying “Squares are my favorite boxes!”. Like- yeah, it's true, but who cares? It's such a basic answer. Anybody who hears you like arcade games wants to hear something more elaborate or obscure.. but I'm not gonna say I give a sh*t about Klax for respect.''

''I LOVE those old Namco classics; they were and still are some of my favorite experiences. They're so simple and are pretty much the same song and dance every time you play them.. but their gameplay never gets old. Around this time was when I discovered the Nintendo Entertainment System.. it was hooked up at my grandma's house in the den area. I remember distinctly a Goldfish cracker was lodged in the cartridge slot.''

[Goldfish crackers are shown raining down into the NES cartridge slot]

Scott: ''Yeah, try it. It works. This was my cousin's old system and he left it there alongside a shoebox full of games… these are human teeth.''

[Scott frantically pushes aside the shoebox]

Scott: ''Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt- I easily played this one the most - keep in mind, I really f*cking hated ducks. Using the zapper gun was so cool and swapping over to Super Mario Brothers let me live out my fantasy of looking at Sewage-Colored Man. Super Mario Brothers 3 was there too- gah- what a game - every time I play it, I discovered something new.''

[He is shown playing it on Nintendo Switch. He presses the jump button on his Joycon and Mario jumps]

Scott: Holy sh*t.

Scott: ''Excitebike, Ninja Turtles 1 and 3 and Kung Fu Heroes and The Adventures of Bayou Billy because there always has to be a seventh. But I didn't want to be a mooch, I wanted to be this.''

[Present-day Scott, tied up and sitting on the floor is shown]

Scott: ''So, I eventually received my other cousin's hand-me-down SEGA Genesis model 2 - it came with a cartridge of Sonic The Hedgehog and I officially gave up on life. This opened a world of possibilities and closed another! I'm a video game owner now, MOM! Sonic the Hedgehog was the first standalone video game I ever owned. I played it so much- I couldn't get past the second zone. Me, personally, I blame the controller.''

[He is shown holding the controller with two sticks of butter in his hands]

Scott: ''I always play with butter in my hands. Eventually, for my birthday, I received a purple GameBoy Advance- my first brand-new game system. The game I got with it-''

[SpongeBob SquarePants Legend of the Lost Spatula for GameBoy Color is shown]

Scott: ''...Sadly, this was after my butter phase. Licensed kid's games were abundant and I played them for all they were worth. However, I also had Mario Kart Super Circuit, Yoshi's Island, Super Mario Advance 3 and Super Mario Advance 2 Super Mario World. THIS was my game- I played this to DEATH. ...Until I got stuck at this one part where you finish a level and then the world map tells you to go f*ck yourself. I loved the world, the powerups, that sense of discovery- this… was my first true video game love.''

Scott: ''Throughout that year I got really into shapes, so for my next birthday I got a GameCube alongside the GameBoy Player attachment; allowing me to play all my GameBoy games on the TV. I mainly owned just licensed games for the console but still adored it nonetheless. I had to go to my friends' house to play actual video games like Pac-Man Fever.''

[He opens up a red GameBoy Advance SP]

Scott: ''That Christmas I received a blue GameBoy Advance SP and a colorblind diagnosis. A few years later, I snagged my cousin's Playstation, alongside a disc-only copy of Gran Turismo and the demo for Rascal. ...I didn't play this much.''

''2007- I got a Nintendo DS Lite and by 2008 I got my Wii and I played so much Wii Sports and Wii Play, Mario Galaxy, Smash Brothers Brawl, Goldeneye 007, Mario Kart Wii, Warioware Smooth Moves…! Alongside discovering my love for the history of gaming. I could download classic titles with this system- even the ones I played at my grandma's house - there was no need for her anymore!''

''That was roughly my childhood gaming experience… after this, while I still received some game systems as gifts, I was a lot more conscious of the stuff I wanted; I wasn't as dependent on whatever my parents THOUGHT I might like. I KNEW I wanted a WiiU because it was better than wanting meth. But I didn't even scratch the surface of all the Nintendo 64 I played at others' houses, each and every game I owned and what they meant to me, how I played and couldn't get past the first level for dozens of hours of Frogger's Adventures on GameBoy Advance- a 40 minute long game.''

''But hopefully, this gave you a good idea as to what I was raised on; what games and consoles made me who I am today. ...Notice how Lufia 2 wasn't mentioned?''

[The scene cuts back to Scott's apartment]

Jerry: ''As your therapist, I think you should be open to more things, like RPGs.. and murder!''

Scott: But I've TRIED RPGs!

Jerry: And I've tried murder- it doesn't count 'till ya like it!

Target Employee: So what are RPGs again?

Jerry: Isn't it a political party in Guinea?

Scott: ''Why are you so hellbent on me being an RPG guy?! You don't even know what RPGs are!''

Jerry: Yeah I do.

Target Employee: Political party in Guinea.

Terry: We've been over this.

Rex: I always thought it was like a BLT but for Ranch, Peas and Grapes.

Scott: Why did you all give me Xenoblade?

Target Employee: ''Oh, that's an RPG? I didn't even know Xenoblade was pronounced like that. I thought we got you an enema.''

Rex: Yeah, I was wondering why you didn't shove this up your ass.

[He holds up Xenoblade. It cuts to show Persona 5 on PS4]

Scott: NO.

Scott: ''Based on my childhood gaming experiences, it should be fairly obvious I enjoy more 'arcade-y' games- now, what does that mean? Outside of me being wrong, well it doesn't mean it HAS to be from the arcade, moreso it retains elements of arcade gameplay. Look at Pac-Man, for example. I can all day. Quick reflexes, simple controls, easy to grasp concept, anybody can pick it up and play but very few can master it. Have you SEEN professional Pac-Man players? No- they live in the Vatican.''

''The concepts at play here really matter to me. If a game is like this at all, I'm gonna sleep well that night. This is probably why platforming is my favorite genre of gaming. You run and jump- it can't get much simpler than that. To anybody who has an argument against that, my mom never GOT Tetris. Pong? My grandma said “What the f*ck is that?”''

''But with platformers, I mean, they would one hundred percent be not able to play them well.. but they at least understand what you're supposed to do and the objective. It's just like life: Get to the end.''

''Running and jumping; there are an endless amount of things you can do with that. You can be a plumber, an evil plumber, a plumber's girlfriend. I value simplicity at face value, where, like, this is super easy to get but when you dig deeper you find all these elements that add up to the game being as good as it is. So just because my favorite genre is platformers, doesn't mean I'll get sweaty for Lep's World 2.''

''No- You take games like Super Mario Galaxy, Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze, Sonic Mania, Megaman X, Celeste- you start playing them, and immediately you're like “I get it- I understand how to play, what to do and why people give a sh*t.” But then you start to notice amazing design details that when it's all aspects of the gameplay, realizing - Wow, this game is a masterclass of design. This affects that and this can't be there without this! That's what turns an already great game.. into a masterpiece. I love the pick up and play nature of platformers; how you get instant gratification when you jump- you're like “Wow! I did that!”''

''When you defeat an enemy, when you just barely cross a gap - there's a rhythm to it all. It may be one of the most generic video game genres, like, it's what I immediately think of when 'video game' gets brought up.. but I think it's for good reason. That doesn't mean I'm opposed to other genres- I love puzzle games for a lot of the same reasons. Rhythm games can be incredibly satisfying and addictive, adventure games are a dream to get completely submerged in, shooters I'm awful at but they can be a blast.''

[It cuts to show Rex on the couch, still holding Xenoblade]

Rex: GET TO THE F*CKING XENO-SH*T!

Scott: ''I don't like RPGs. Now, what IS an RPG? Why would you ask me?''

[The Wikipedia definition of an RPG is shown]

Scott: Role-playing games are games where the player controls the actions of a character and slash or several party members immersed in some well-defined world.

[Jerry, Rex and Target Employee all hum in understanding]

Jerry: Sooo what does that make me?

Scott: An abuser.

Scott: ''Technically speaking, this genre definition can be linked to pretty much most games regardless of genre. Take any game. You ARE controlling the actions of a character and are immersed in a well-defined world. The definition of an RPG can be a bit hazy- I've seen people call the f*ckin' economy an RPG. But you can't fool me; RPGs, just like a cloud.. I know one when I see it.''

[Clouds are shown]

Scott: ''Oh- there's no debate. Let us go into some o' the characteristics of traditional RPGs. Number one: Elf sh*t.''

[A piece of torn paper appears and unfurls on screen to show that it reads “ELF SH*T”]

Scott: ''Fantasy is generally the go-to genre of the genre. It kinda stems from the origins of video game RPGs, which were tabletop RPGs like Dungeons & Dragons.''

[Yahtzee is shown on the floor]

Scott: ''I'll stick to Yahtzee. Of course, an RPG can be set in any kind of world, but just like how puzzle games love the colored shape trope, fantasy is the go-to here. And there's nothing wrong with that, some of my best friends are a fantasy.''

Target Employee: ''So what's the big deal? I love fantasy, put out three letters, I'm sold.''

Terry: Yeah, seems to me you don't have much of an argument here.

Jerry: Like Stalin.

Rex: Stalin f*ckin' HATED RPGs, but loved Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze.

[Jerry, Rex and Target Employee all vocally agree with each other]

Rex: ''Yes. Absolutely. Uh huh.''

Target Employee: Yeah, yeah.

Jerry: ''Yeah. I'm into it!''

Rex: ''We're on the same level? It makes sense. It just makes sense. I get it now. Good point- better point.''

Jerry: ''Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!''

[They continue to talk over each other and agree. The camera cuts and zooms in slowly to show Scott, who rapidly shakes his head. A ringing starts as the camera rapidly zooms in in time to the music starting]

Scott: ♫It's not FlingSmash, Geist or Burnout Crash, Not Mario Party 6 or Ultra Smash, Neither Clubhouse Games or Wii Fit Plus, Nor Family Feud on SNE-us.

All the games I've played, Whether good or bad, Have tropes in common, My favorite doo-dads!

They may be rushed or plain or flawed, But they aint RPGs, Oh, thank God.

Are my tastes just bad? Am I the one to blame? Or is it RPGs that are DUMB and LAME?♫

[Jerry, Rex and Target Employee are shown on the couch]

Rex: [indignantly] No!

Chorus: ♫Why don't you play them?♫

Scott: ♫They just take so damn long to complete!♫

Chorus: ♫Why don't you play them?♫

Scott: ♫Sixty hours just to rinse and repeat!♫

Female voice: ♫But you could grind for years just to beat that boss, Oh-oh…♫

Scott: ''♫Why waste all this time on just. One. Game?♫''

Chorus: ♫Why don't you play them?♫

Scott: ''I just don't like them! I just wanna play stupid Nintendo games! ...That aren't this stupid!''

Scott: ''But why don't I like them? Okay-''

Scott: ♫Turn-based battles and too much text, I'd rather be out not having sex, Menu clutter and useless stats, And random encounters can kiss my ass!

No gameplay 'till hours in, Combat-ready! How did I win?

The same thing happens over again, And that-there fun part comes up - when?

I missed one thing, And now I'm lost, That one inch of text really meant a lot?!

There's some shop with items, I can't afford, So grind for money! You won't be bored!

I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm not having fun, There's no other way this can be spun!

What do I do? What do I check? It's an RPG- What did I expect?♫

[Instrumental]

Chorus: ♫Why don't you play them?♫

Male voice: ♫They're so good, oh♫

Scott: Listen, guys-

Male voice: ♫You can't have opinions!♫

Chorus: ♫Why don't you play them?♫

Scott: They're not my style!

Male voice: ♫Start a new file!♫

Chorus: ♫Why don't you? Why-Why don't you-?♫

[The music stops abruptly as a piece of torn paper appears and unfurls on screen to show that it reads “WAIT YOUR TURN F*CKER”]

Scott: NUMBER TWO: WAIT YOUR TURN, F*CKER!

Scott: ''The de-facto setup for RPGs most think of is the turn-based RPG. I don't wanna wait to be disappointed- this isn't a pregnancy! So let's look at how a turn-based RPG works. You're exploring this vast world and experiencing a story as it unfolds. That's the point of most RPGs- to create a universe that you want to get lost in, tell a story unlike any other with some o' the most memorable characters out there. This is why video games are such a popular medium to tell stories through - you ARE a character; this story is happening to YOU. Your friends in the game start to feel real if it's done right.''

''Most role-playing games heavily depend on an engaging story and of course, stories need conflict so what happens when danger strikes? Well, I'm walkin' around, enjoying myself, thinkin': "What's next?"''

[The gameplay shows a battle starting]

Scott: ''Homicide. Here's a list of things I can do.. I can.. attack. I usually perform some special ability like 'existence'. …Well that didn't do a damn thing. Or.. just give up. Run. Bitch out. They don't care. So, I select what I wanna do, I watch the character do what I told 'em to do. Uh- then it's the enemy's turn - because it's only fair. They attack.. Thanks. And now we're back to me. Uh, I'll probably attack again.. actually - might be a good time to heal myself with some medicine- uh, good, I brought Dayquil. Uh- alright- aaaand it's their turn again. They attack. ..And now we're back to me again, alright.''

''Obviously, there's nothing inherently wrong with turn-based battles; it's a time-tested gameplay style. If it was completely outdated and uninteresting, it woulda been ripped outta games eons ago. There's a reason text-based adventure games died out and their technology is being reused on Tinder.''

[A Tinder message is briefly shown]

Scott: ''We still get turn-based battles in games CONSTANTLY. They obviously work- there is depth here and most video game players like them. The biggest media franchise on the planet is Pokémon and it's a turn-based RPG. It works. But wanna see why Scott's a fuckin' idiot?''

[It cuts to show Scott sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead as Target Employee leans in to look at his face]

Target Employee: I can see it!

Scott: ''So the point of a role-playing game is to make me feel as if I'm playing a role- if I'm supposed to be immersed as this character, why are battles set up like this? This is potentially the worst way to immerse me in an experience- when would my mortal enemy, Bat Number 4, wait for me to pick an attack and then let 'er rip?''

''Why would I give THEM a chance to hurt me? That's just counter-productive! Then going through my list of attacks I can perform… it doesn't make me feel like I'M the one performing them; it feels like I'm commanding that character to do it. Turn-based combat almost feels at odds with the rest of what these games are trying to do. If it's trying to make me feel as if I AM the character, going to the extent of having me name them myself.. why are the battles like puppet shows?''

''Well, I guess you could view RPGs as a 'performance'- the origins of tabletop RPGs - you announce everything you're doing as if it's a book being written right there on the spot. So there's some showmanship to it all; it's a ROLE-playing game, so it's like these are actors taking on the ROLES of these characters. ...So again - why can I name this guy myself if I'm playing the role of him?''

''Most of the time, the actor doesn't pick the character's name. I just don't feel like I'm DOING anything in these battles. Clicking through a menu doesn't feel like I'm accomplishing anything and landing a great attack… I just don't feel incredibly accomplished- I selected a menu option! I'll play Pac-Land for that, thank you!''

[The title screen of Pac-Land is shown. It says “PUSH START BUTTON”]

Scott: ''Taking turns just slowed things down so much- like, what is he waiting for? Just SHOOT ME! To be fair, I mean, it does offer strategy; you have to sit and think sometimes like - “Hm. How DO I want this man to gut me?”''

''Not every game should have action-packed combat; it's good to have options. I just f*cking hate this one. Out of all the games to have a TON of enemy encounters, why do RPGs have them the most? They go on forever and there's a MILLION of 'em you have to go through all against the same enemies over and over again- think of everything you could DO with all that time!''

[It cuts to Jerry]

Jerry: ''Nope. I got nothin'.''

Scott: ''And then there's the fact that many of these games have.. RANDOM encounters! Alright, here we are; Number three: ...OOPS!''

[A piece of torn paper appears and unfurls on screen to show that it reads “OOPS”]

Scott: ''Oh, good- I try to make my way from point A to point B but I'll randomly be forced to partake in a battle. I don't even see the enemies when I run into 'em - like, what's the context of this happening?''

[Scott and Terry are shown sitting beside each other on the couch. Scott is looking around wildly]

Scott: Oh, wow, here I am.

Terry: Hey.

[Scott notices Terry and reels back in surprise]

Scott: F*CK!

Scott: ''Sure, it keeps you on your toes but it's like- how often do I have to be on my toes man- this is PAINFUL. It's like, yeah, it's a surprise - you always have to be ready for a battle - but on your way to a location you can expect at least two or three random battles thrown in there. So at that point, it's not a surprise! I'm expecting it! Did these need to happen? Do they make the game BETTER? NO!''

''But to be fair, lots of non-RPGs have random enemy placements that don't need to be there. Like I could give a sh*t about your Goomba placement. But these random encounters happen out of nowhere- you don't even see where the enemies are- you just randomly get thrown into a battle - you can't easily avoid this and when you're in the battle itself, it takes just as long as any standard battle in the game - battles that are required for progression!''

[It cuts to Rex]

Rex: Well, it's more fun to get shot by surprise than to know ahead of time.

Scott: ''Well I guess random encounters are here because another big element of RPGs are experience points; levelling your character up from string-cheese-weak to being stronger than any being. I can do anything now! I can.. stomach playing Final Fantasy! Number four: Feeling like you did something today.''

[A piece of torn paper appears and unfurls on screen to show that it reads “FEELING LIKE YOU DID SOMETHING TODAY”]

Scott: ''Having a visual indication of just how much stronger you get after each and every battle is unbelievably satisfying. I think experience points- or, EXP- MAKE RPGs for people; you know just how long it takes to go through a whole battle with an ant. And that ant can kick your ass- like, it puts up a fight. But then a few hours in, you level up and you're more powerful- you can one-shot kill those ants! Character development! I'm now better than ants!''

''But you know what you have to do in so many of these games? You have to grind for your experience points; you have to wander around, get into random encounters and just win a bunch of battles to level up before you progress. Of course, most of the time, you don't HAVE to- but it's kinda necessary if you don't wanna stain the carpet with your decapitated head.''

''Grinding almost feels like I'm exploiting the game sometimes. Like, is this really how the game was designed? For me to walk around in circles for two hours doing nothing but getting into random battles fighting weak enemies to gain extra experience? I just killed snails for twenty minutes - I'm ready to take on Satan.''

Terry: ''Think we have some more to say. ..Target Employee?''

[Target Employee stands up, holding a sheet of paper and clearing his throat. The camera moves back to show Rex and Jerry having a conversation]

Jerry: He works at Target?

Rex: ''Oh yeah. Big time.''

Jerry: ''I love his work. I mean- didya see how stocked the shelves were today?''

Rex: ''Oh-hoh, yeah! I saw how stocked the shelves were today.''

[Jerry is shown playing with a lighter in the background as Target Employee makes his speech]

Target Employee: ''Oh, yeah, Scott- you mostly knew my brother. He worked at Wendy's - He was a really good guy. Mostly dead nowadays.''

Rex: Didn't he work at Wendy's?

Jerry: ''Shh! He's talking!''

Target Employee: His dying wish was to see you play…

[He inspects the piece of paper]

Target Employee: Near Replicant version one point two two four seven four fou- I think he was having a seizure.

Terry: ''See! We-we care about you, man!''

[Scott is shown holding his foot up, which is covered in blue]

Scott: My foot's turning purple.

Terry: ''See, ya lock yourself outta so many experiences saying you're.. not an RPG guy. That's the oldest excuse in the book.''

Rex: Gets me outta jury duty.

Scott: What else am I supposed to say?!

Jerry: ”Why, yes please- I'll take one Suikoden 4.”

Rex: My parents met over that one.

Scott: ''What about the stories of these games? That's why you play them! So here we have number five: Incredible, engaging, long-winded, weird-as-hell plots.''

[A piece of torn paper appears and unfurls on screen to show that it reads “INCREDIBLE ENGAGING LONG WINDED WEIRD AS HElL STORIES”]

Scott: ''Video games can have some of the greatest tales ever told, and it seemed like RPGs were the only way to tell those kinda stories years ago. And I think there's a clear reason to make a story into a video game compared to just a movie or a book - it's the experience. There are tons of video game stories that are great. ...They would blow as a film.''

''The stories of many iconic RPGs play out almost like they're a four thousand page novel with stupid haircuts. Oh, and you have to do the same thing four hundred times. A lot of these stories are great with huge moments of emotion- character deaths mean more because when you're doing turn-based battles you often have multiple party members. If one of them died, it stings that much more-! It can be so much more effective than other mediums to tell the story.''

''But then you have the other side of RPGs where.. I can't take this seriously. I'm a prince talking to a mechanic. ….Okay.''

[Rex is shown holding a piece of paper and a Sharpie]

Rex: Alright- thought I'd, uh… adjust my speech here… Scott - the lack of RPGs you play is HORRIFYING- and I've seen bees.

Jerry: Oh, he means it.

Rex: To show how much we care, I have a surprise witness.

Scott: ...At an intervention?

[Rex gets up and walks over to the door]

Rex: I present to you,

[He opens the door, revealing Kay Swiss standing behind it. He steps forward but Rex slams the door closed in his face]

Rex: ''Kay Swiss.. of Bankruptcy Patrol.''

Scott: Oh my Go- you got a white guy?!

[The scene changes to show the room is darkened and a projector is showing a graph on the wall. The graph is titled “Not an RPG Guy Who Buys RPGs” and has '0' to '-3000' on the Y-axis and 'Jan' to 'Dec' on the x-axis. The graph's line goes down from 0 to around -2250 over the months]

Kay: ''This is Scott's bank account without RPGs. Sure, he's buyin' 'em, but he's spending all his time playin' and buyin' other games.''

[The projector changes to show a new graph titled “An RPG Guy's Bank Account”. The Y-axis is labelled 0 to 1600 and the line goes up]

Kay: If he sat down and played an RPG, he wouldn't have time to waste money on other games.

Scott: Well at least I'm stimulating the economy.

[The projector now shows a graph titled “The Economy with Scott” with the same data as the “Not an RPG Guy Who Buys RPGs” graph]

Kay: ''If anything, you're doing immense damage to the economy. You're buying plenty of RPGs, but you have no actual interest in them. Companies think you want RPGs, so they make more- but when more RPGs are announced, you get annoyed and tell people not to play them! Without this issue, people who actually want to play RPGs buy them, thus supply and demand return to a renaissance if you will. We call this issue the 'Scottless Economy'.''

[The camera zooms in on the projected graph, which had changed to be titled “The Economy With Scott Playing RPGs, with the same data as the “An RPG Guy's Bank Account” graph. Kay points at the graph line]

Kay: With you actually playing RPGs, we call it an economy.

[The camera cuts to show Rex standing up from the couch]

Rex: YOU SON OF A BITCH!

[He grabs Scott by the neck and shakes him]

Rex: I LOVE THE ECONOMY!

Scott: Now we have one of the big ones- number six: These games never f*cking end.

[A piece of torn paper appears and unfurls on screen to show that it reads “THESE GAMES NEVER F*CKING END”]

Scott: ''My God- why do these take SO LONG?! Role-playing games are generally on the longer side o' things- at the least, they can usually run you twenty hours from start to finish. As somebody who really just wants to experience as many video games as possible, why would I wanna play one fifty-hour game when I can play five ten-hour ones?''

''I know many want games to be as long as possible; I saw people complain how Final Fantasy 7 Remake was “only thirty hours.” My weekend's forty-eight hours- what am I gonna do with that extra eighteen?! I dunno- I personally get a little turned off when I hear how long a game is; I've never been a big “I better be able to squeeze THIS many hours out of a game” kinda guy.''

''But I totally understand how people are like that, it's just.. I don't care if a game's ten hours- that sounds like a pretty sweet length to me. But RPGs are so long because they have so many battles and so many of those battles are the same things over and over again- it's just the amount of time I spend in these games - I don't feel is justified.''

And then we have number seven: Sensory overload.

[A piece of torn paper appears and unfurls on screen to show that it reads “SENSORY OVERLOAD”]

Scott: ''What the f*ck am I lookin' at? Is this really the least complicated they coulda made this menu look? I wanna get the Black Desert menu on my back. These games have such thick-ass menu systems with sub-menus and sub-menus and tutorials on how to use the menus and, honestly, fairly unnecessary user interfaces that overcomplicate what could be a simple and intuitive experience.''

Terry: I think I have something to say, here.

Jerry: ''Yeah, I do too. ...That's it.''

Terry: ''I feel like you're really blocking yourself from experiences that will truly better your life and outlook on art as a whole. ...I wrote this when I thought we were still talkin' about guns.''

Scott: ''Okay. What do you think about role-playing games?''

Terry: ''Oh, just.. don't be a bitch.''

[The doorbell rings. Scott and Terry both look over to the door. Terry looks at Scott]

Terry: ...It is your place.

[Scott, still tied up, is shown opening the door. Jeb Jab, wearing a Postal Carrier uniform, is standing in the doorway]

Jeb: Yeah, I got a RPG delivery.

Terry: ''Jeb! Why didn't you come earlier?''

Jeb: ''I work today. I love the economy.''

[Jerry, Kay and Rex all begin cheering and whooping. Rex high-fives Jerry and Kay]

Jeb: ''Oh, I deliver RPGs to [Unintelligible]-RPG guys. Here.''

[He hands Scott a copy of Madden 08 for Xbox 360. Scott takes it and stares at it in horror]

Scott: This… this is Madden...!

Jeb: Yeah..?

[Scott continues staring at the game and shakes his head]

Scott: ''No… no…! NOOOOOO...!''

[He screams and runs out of the room. Jerry, Target Employee and Rex all stand around for a moment]

Rex: ...Anybody wanna rent the second room here?

[It cuts to Scott entering his office, throwing the ropes off him. He slams the door and angrily shouts at his copies of Pac-Pix and Donkey Kong Barrel Blast and his framed image of the box art for WarioWorld]

Scott: What- ARE YOU ALL RPGS TOO?!

Scott: RPGs can be f*cking anything-

[A silhouette of a person is shown]

Scott: I was talking to someone and they..

[The cover of Grandia II appears on the silhouette]

Scott: ''F*cking catfished me. I've been only talking about turn-based RPGs, but what about action RPGs? Strategy RPGs? MMO RPGs? JRPGs- which is just if a role-playing game is made in Japan. ...That's it.''

''Action RPGs are like.. take out the turns and just make them just normal fights. Oh- hit this button to attack. Oh.. oh, thank God. I gotta say, though, a lot of action RPGs just feel like hack-n'-slashes or shooters.. with numbers. MMO RPGs - take this and pair it up with Omegle. Look at these players online, these are my type of people- we all know how to use menus. Strategy RPGs? ...I got nothin'.''

These are all such different types o' games and so many games outside of RPGs have RPG elements- you can make an argument that any one-

[Animal Crossing New Horizons, Breath of the Wild, God of War and Madden 08 are all shown]

Scott: ''-o' these games are RPGs. Madden- look at all these stats- how is this not an RPG?! People constantly make the argument Zelda's an RPG… sure, keep telling yourself that. It has RPG elements; pretty much any of the sins I mentioned and then some. ...I give up. I lost.''

[Scott is shown crouching beside one of his game shelves]

Scott: ''I guess.. I have to become an RPG guy because if I don't… I can't enjoy anything.''

[The scene changes to show Jerry and Rex, sitting in silence]

Jerry: ..Leap year, this year.

Rex: It's December.

[Target Employee checks his phone]

Target Employee: ''Oh! Food's here.''

[It cuts to Target Employee slamming two large slabs of meat onto the coffee table]

Terry: What is this?!

Target Employee: They're ribs!

Rex: I thought we were getting a corn dog.

Target Employee: These are nature's corn dogs.

Terry: ''I can't eat ribs! I'm not hungry! ..And vegan!''

Target Employee: ''Uh- c'mon, somebody has to! I ordered the economy size!''

[Kay, Jerry and Rex all start cheering and whooping]

Scott: ''Let's start with a few that.. started it all; Dragon Quest.. and Final Fantasy. Dragon Quest, or, Dragon Warrior originally over here in America. Playing this now? It is so simple and basic but.. there's a charm to it and many of the systems we see in RPGs today.. they're here in full force. It's weird to say a game like this has aged well.. because it hasn't. But when you put it side by side to modern RPGs, you start to notice more similarities than differences.''

''Dragon Quest has always been an RPG staple, primarily in Japan- over here it's not as celebrated. C'mon- this is America- I like Mickey Mouse and f*ckin' my wife. But Dragon Quest has always been there.. I'm surprised how many people I run into who immediately recognizes the slime enemy from the series. The spin-offs are all over the place, like Dragon Quest Swords on Wii which is pretty much a Dragon Quest game played in first-person with a ton of automated movement and motion-controlled combat. You just swipe away at the enemies and overall it feels like a Dragon Quest game for a f*ckin' idiot. ...I love it.''

''But of course, we have Dragon Quest 11 S Echoes of an Elusive Age Definitive Edition. ...Number eight: Ass-long titles.''

[A piece of torn paper appears and unfurls on screen to show that it reads “ASS LONG TITLES”]

Scott: ''Oh my God. This game is so lovely. Like it's just so… happy. Even when dark moments happen this is just such a jolly world- these characters' designs are so fun. I'm not a fan of more typical anime-esque designs but with Dragon Quest… I like this style- it just.. feels so nice. The characters, the monsters, even the gameplay.. Sure, the battles are more tedious than if it.. wasn't a traditional RPG, but.. it's not that annoying. I.. like this game. ...I just don't wanna spend a hundred hours liking it.''

''But then we have Final Fantasy, easily the most iconic RPG series. While Dragon Quest was far more traditional in terms of 'fantasy world with dragons- beat the evil', Final Fantasy continues to go all over the place- again, this is a prince.''

''Each Final Fantasy is pretty much completely separate from the last which is how we get such game titles as Final Fantasy 13-2. The Final Fantasy game I've played the most is Final Fantasy 7 Remake. I like it but man- like I said, action RPGs just don't feel like RPGs to me. They feel like hack-and-slash games with stats.''

''The series hasn't always been turn-based, and that's not even counting junk like spin-offs. Final Fantasy 11 and 14 are MMO RPGs. ...Am I the only one to find that bizarre that mainline number titles in the Final Fantasy series are MMOs? Like why not make 'em their own designated spin-off series like 'Final Fantasy Online', but.. alright.''

''15 and 7 Remake are action RPGs- no turns here. This was done to get Final Fantasy more 'broad' appeal; make it so a FIFA fan can play it. So I gotta be honest, I have a lot more fun with this gameplay style. ...But I almost feel patronized playing it - like I'm too dumb to enjoy the older games so - here's some flashier bullsh*t.''

[It cuts to Terry talking on his phone]

Terry: ''Yeah- is this, uh.. Stale Pretzels? ...I'd like to place an order. ...Yeah, the.. stale pretzels.''

Target Employee: ''Oh-oh! Get some ribs!''

Terry: ''No, it's Stale Pretzels. All they have are…''

[He briefly looks over a paper menu]

Terry: ...Stale Pretzels.

Target Employee: Noo- if you ask, they'll make it for ya.

Terry: ''Yeah, I'll do a.. side of pretzels.''

Target Employee: Kind of a weird way to say 'ribs'.

Terry: My God- is this how we sounded to him?

Jerry: Depends on how he pronounces 'ribs'.

Scott: ''Of course, if you're more of a classic RPG guy, there are still tons o' games releasing that are supposed to be direct callbacks to those older games. Bravely Default and Octopath Traveller. If you're not a fan of modern Final Fantasy, these games bring us back to a simpler, far slower time. Yeah, I'm not as into this - when you program a fast-forward button into the base game, I feel like you coulda just designed the gameplay to be more efficient. But God- Octopath- there isn't any other game that looks quite like this and the MUSIC!''

''Kingdom Hearts answers the age-old question of what would happen when you put Final Fantasy and Disney together. ...Actually, I don't know if it does or not. And all these games come courtesy of Square Enix; your one-stop shop for RPGs. They've also released other iconic titles like Chrono Trigger and the Mana series, which is interesting considering it was one of the few classic RPGs that went for an action approach comparative to turn-based.''

''While I highly disagree on the Legend of Zelda being an RPG, at least one entry in the series is definitely one. Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link. You kill enemies to level yourself up in various departments. I… like it..? Zelda 2 gets a lot of flag but it's honestly pretty enjoyable. And Nintendo's RPG series- I mean, we have the Mother series- or, Earthbound - which has definitely helped many get into RPGs, most games of this nature were fantasy, which has it's fans.. but Earthbound - you were playing as a kid in a town. It made it stand out and I think it helped many find more of an attachment with the genre.''

''Now Pokémon on the other hand can f*ck right off. I've tried so many times but I just can't get into Pokémon- I feel like I've one-hundred percent missed the boat on playing the franchise. If I played it as a kid, I feel like I'd find it easier to enjoy now. If I start the game, I just feel like it's a slog- I don't feel a sense of wonder, I just feel like I'm walking from point A to point B mashing the A button to get through text boxes, fighting other Pokémon by- again- mashing the A button.''

''At least turn-based works really well here in terms of immersion; you're not the Pokémon, you're commanding them what to do which I think works much better contextually than most other RPGs. I wanna like these games, though- I just.. can't get into them. Same with the Xenoblade series - I'm so happy that this franchise went from 'not coming outside of Japan' to 'here's a Smash Brothers character, multiple remasters and remakes, a sequel, another sequel, an expansion TO the sequel.' It's really cool to see that and I think the original Xenoblade is unbelievably impressive - like, this world is in a Wii game! It's just not personally really my thing.''

''But then you have Golden Sun- definitely gives me Dragon Quest feelings of happiness- I do like a lot about this.. but then you have the beginner RPGs from Nintendo, based on the Mario franchise. Super Mario RPG, Mario and Luigi, Paper Mario.. many of these games actually make turn-based combat.. fun. They have action commands which means.. hey, pick an attack, then time your action just right by hitting a button at this exact moment. It's almost like a rhythm game; it keeps me involved and entertained.''

''Sure, some o' the games are… dogsh*t- but I think these games help tremendously in conveying the appeal of RPGs to those who don't play a ton of 'em. No matter how much you enjoy playing role-playing games, you have to admit - they aren't the easiest to jump into most of the time. You gotta wean yourself on a Mario RPG before you jump into Persona 5.''

''...HOLY F*CK-! This game is so stylish and cool-! Listen to the music! The setting is so neat-!''

[Scott is shown standing next to a shelf]

Scott: I think I've become an RPG guy…!

[He starts slowly shaking his head]

Scott: ...And I f*cking hate myself!

[He holds up a copy of Persona 5]

Scott: [frantically] ''What am I?! What have I become?! How do I even use one of these?!''

[He hits himself on the head with the box and yells. As he falls, the scene changes to a completely black, cube-like space. Scott sits up and watches an orb of light squirm and vibrate until it pops into a blurry light]

Orb: '' Hello. Mah name is ''Gaaahd.

Scott: [excitedly] ''Oh my God-! I meet Jesus and a Target employee in the same week?!''

[The scene cuts back to the guys on the couch]

Terry: You know, we should- we should do somethin' nice for 'im.

[He puts his phone to his ear]

Terry: ''..'d like to place a FlingSmash order. ...What do I what?''

[Target Employee is shown to have his mouth taped over with duct tape]

Target Employee: [muffled] ''RIIIBS! RIIIIBBSS!''

Terry: Yeah, I'll go with FlingSmash this time.

Target Employee: [more muffled] RRRIIIIBBBSS!

[It cuts to the door being opened. Jeb is on the other side, still in a Postal Carrier uniform. He sighs]

Jeb: Christ, it's been a busy day for us - TWO deliveries?!

Kay: This economy's 'bout to be the f*ckin' best.

Terry: So I thought you just delivered RPGs?

Jeb: ''Well RPGs come in a lot of different things. For example, like when you're really playing Gex.''

[He pats his satchel bag]

Jeb: ...Ay, Kay- d'y'wanna Gex?

Kay: Nonono- I HAVE to pay for it.

Rex: GOD I wanna f*ck the economy.

[It cuts back to Scott speaking to God]

God: ''I just wanted to give you a formal warning on your recent performance as a human. You're really f*ckin' it.''

Scott: ''I don't wanna f*ck anything! What did I do wrong?!''

God: ''First off- dat time you drank dat water? And made a face? F*ck you - I make water. Second off, you're trying to be an 'RPG guy'.''

Scott: I thought that's what everybody wanted!

God: See, I crafted humanity to have the instinctive trait to NOT like RPGs.

Scott: So that's why cavemen never played them…

God: Then all of a sudden, evolution was like “F*ck you- here's Ogre Battle 64: Person Of Lordly Caliber; the famous game that everybody loves and ever since we've had a bunch of mutants walking around playing RPGs.

Scott: So it's normal to not like RPGs?

God: It's normal to not like all kinds of things- whether it's RPGs or murder.

Scott: Never would have known..

God: ''Scatt. Bubby. Ya know who ya are and what ya like and don't like. There's nothing wrong with that. You're not an RPG guy - you know this deep down - but that doesn't mean you should immediately denounce every RPG that you come across. Even though RPGs were never meant to be enjoyed, people like them for some reason. You should respect and understand that as much as they should respect and understand you. But even if you genuinely don't like something, giving it a try from time to time can open yer eyes to great experiences you would have never had otherwise.''

Scott: ...Can I add you on LinkedIn?

[It cuts to black. With a pop, the scene changes back to reality as Scott stands up. He looks around]

Scott: ''I think I get it! ..I'm not an RPG guy! ...And sharks are just sexy fish at the end of the day.''

''RPGs aren't my go-to genre - and that's OKAY- just like how everybody doesn't like platformers or sports games or first-person shooters or party games! My criticisms on RPGs were just OPINIONS - they're the same reasons why people LOVE RPGs and that's OKAY! But that doesn't mean I can never like RPGs… I really like Dragon Quest.. some Final Fantasy games I like and I'm just really happy that Xenoblade's doing well an'... Persona 5 is really goo- No. I'm going too far.''

[It cuts to Scott laying on the floor, kicking his feet in the air. He has a stack of games in front of him. As he takes each game off the top of the pile, he says “F*ck this.” before tossing it aside]

Scott: ''F*ck this. F*ck this. F*ck this. F*ck this. F*ck this-''

[Scott continues as Terry, smiling and holding a copy of FlingSmash, Target Employee, Rex, Jerry, Jeb and Kay are shown standing in the doorway]

Scott: ''F*ck this. F*ck this. F*ck this. F*ck this-''

[Kay walks away]

Scott: ''-F*ck this. F*ck this-''

[Jerry walks away]

Scott: ''-F*ck this. F*ck this. F*ck this-''

[Rex walks away]

Scott: ''-F*ck this. F*ck this-''

[Jeb and Target Employee both walk away]

Scott: ''-F*ck this. F*ck this-''

[Terry nods approvingly and also walks away]

Scott: ''-F*ck this. F*ck this-''

[It cuts to Scott sitting down in front of his desk, grinning]

Scott: ''Hey all, Scott here! I'M NOT AN RPG GUY and I'm proud of who I am!''

[The credits music begins to play]

Scott: -No RPG is ever gonna make me anything otherwise!

[He is shown playing Dragon Quest on his Switch. He grins before suddenly looking shocked]

Scott: DAMMIT!

[Wipes to blue. The 'You're Not an RPG Guy' logo appears. It transitions to the text “DIRECTED, WRITTEN AND EDITED BY SCOTT WOZNIAK”. The text spins to become “STARRING SCOTT WOZNIAK”. It cuts to the text “JOE ROBERTSON”, then “SAM ESSIG”, “DOMINIC MATTERO”, “ERIC TURNEY”, “JUSTIN WOMBLE”, “JEFFREY POHLMAN-BESHUK”, and finally “AND VIDEOGAMEDUNKEY”]

[The credits begin to roll. After, the Scott The Woz logo appears with the text “SEASON FOUR” underneath. The text “PRODUCED BY AND STARRING SCOTT WOZNIAK” is shown over an illustrated depiction of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash | The Darkest Age of Nintendo. After, it changes to the text “ALSO STARRING”, “KRISTI ROTHROCK”, “SAM ESSIG”, “ERIC TURNEY”, “JUSTIN WOMBLE”, “CONNOREATSPANTS”, “JEFFREY POHLMAN-BESHUK” over an illustrated depiction of Anime Games. It then changes to the text “ALSO STARRING”, “JOE ROBERTSON”, “DOMINIC MATTERO”, “JARRED WISE”, “MEGAN MOCKENSTURM”, “JACOB RAHE”, “GIRLFRIEND REVIEWS”, “MALAK BAZZI” over an illustrated depiction of The Trial. An illustrated depiction of Game Show Games(?) is then shown with the text “ANIMATION BY”, “CHANNY AND KIMBERLY AND ANONYMOUS”, “MUSIC BY”, “NICHOLAS KARR”, “GARRET WILLIAMSON”, “BRANDING/LOGOS BY”, “NICO VLEIK”. It then changes to the text “HELP BY”, “SAM ESSIG”, “ERIC TURNEY”, “JUSTIN WOMBLE”, “JEFFREY POHLMAN-BESHUK”, “JOE ROBERTSON”, “DOMINIC MATTERO”, “JARRED WISE”, “ZACH SISLER” alongside an illustrated depiction of Console Gaming on the Go ]

[Finally, it changes to the text “SPECIAL THANKS”, “CONNOREATSPANTS”, “SPAWN WAVE”, “REVIEWTECHUSA”, “JON CARTWRIGHT”, “NINTENDO LIFE”, “NITRO RAD”, “QUINTON REVIEWS”, “CRAIG SKITZ”, “GOOD VIBES GAMING”, “MATT MCMUSCLES”, “NATHANIEL BANDY”, “AKFAMILYHOME”, “PIXEL EMPIRE”, “JOSH KETCHEN”, “MARTA GAGEAN”, “YOGCAVEY”, “JOHN ALLISON”, “BARRET BIGGERS”. The Scott The Woz logo appears again. The text “SEASON FOUR” appears under it in time to the music. The music ends as it cuts to black]

[End.]

Trivia

 * The opening credits reference A Very Madden 08 Christmas, It's a Bargain Bin Christmas, The Dark Age of Nintendo and Collector's Editions.
 * The ending credits feature illustrations by Scott of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash | The Darkest Age of Nintendo, Anime Games, The Trial, Game Show Games(?) and Console Gaming on the Go.
 * This is the first episode to have "Hey all, Scott here" saved until the end.